december, age eighteen
Not many places were open on New Year’s Eve but Coofee was one of the exceptions, its doors open every day except Christmas, and Lucas shook the rain off his coat as he walked through the doors. The buses weren’t running and although sixteen months had passed since his seventeenth birthday, he had yet to learn to drive when the idea terrified him. Instead, his father had driven him into town, his own list of things he needed to do before the new year, to give Lucas time to see his friend.
He was there first. He ordered a hot chocolate from Gaia, who chatted with him as she made the drink. She had always been interested in him, a genuine interest rather than just making conversation: she really cared about him and his family, asking him how university was going as she frothed up the milky chocolate powder and checked that she had cream. There was an art to the way she poured it into the glass and added a layer of mini marshmallows beneath the cream: it always seemed to taste better.
He took a seat in his mother’s favourite section of the cafe which had become his favourite by proxy. A pair of the huge, deep armchairs were available and he tucked up in one, hanging his coat off a stand behind him. The cafe was wonderfully quirky with its mismatched tables and chairs, random art all over the walls: it was entirely decorated by Gaia, who picked up most of the furniture from charity shops. The books that lined the walls were all second-hand too, free to a good home.
For five minutes, he waited for his drink to cool down. For two minutes, he slowly sipped it without spilling a single drop down the side. As the eighth minute began, the door flew open – aided by the gale roaring outside – and he looked up with a smile when he caught sight of Mawar’s wildly blowing hair and her pink cheeks.
“Hey,” he said. He stood when she came over. “What d’you want?”
“Oh, nothing just yet,” she said. “I’ll get a drink in a second.” She dropped down next to him, sitting on the edge of her seat to peel off her coat. “How’re you? I can’t believe I haven’t seen you for, like, six weeks! More, even. Whenever your reading week was.”
“It’s weird,” Lucas said, nodding. After a crazy first half of his first semester at university, drowning in readings that he was happy to plough his way through, he had spent a whirlwind week at home. The time had whizzed by, partially because he had split it between his parents’ homes while actually spending most of his time with Asher. “How’ve you been?”
Mawar let her coat dropped to the floor between her chair and the window. “I’m ok,” she said, her lips pressed together as she nodded. “I mean, I’ve definitely been better but I’ve been a hell of a lot worse. At least it wasn’t messy.”
Lucas nodded. “Yeah, I’m glad. And I’m sorry, Mar. I really am.”
She laughed. “It’s not your fault,” she said, pushing her hair off her face. “Anyway, I’ll be fine. My mum had some half decent advice – apparently it takes half as long as the relationship to get over it when it ends. We were together for pretty much exactly a year and we broke up almost three months ago, so only another three months before I’m totally fine with it. But I mean it – I am fine. Ash and I are totally cool. Very amicable.”
“Very mathematical. I like that,” Lucas said. He had hardly believed his ears when Asher had told him that he had broken up with Mawar. He had been even more surprised when Mawar had texted him later that day. She had seemed remarkably ok with it all, as though she had seen the break-up coming from a mile off. They had always seemed perfectly happy together, or so Lucas thought. It was the distance, he assumed. With Asher still at home in Farnleigh while Mawar had moved on to university in Manchester, there had been a new strain on their relationship.
“Exactly. I like maths. It makes a lot of sense. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been any good at it at A-level, though it looked like a bloody nightmare when you did it.” She laughed and pushed her hair off her face. “God, I’ve missed you, Lucas. I love uni so much, but I do miss the old gang.”
“Me too,” Lucas said, though he wasn’t quite as removed as Mawar. Although he was the furthest geographically, he had strong ties to his friends. He and Asher were in constant contact on their phones while Tom was family, and Mika was by extension. The two were hardly ever apart as though some kind of chemical reaction had fused their lives into one. Although Lucas had thought that Asher and Mawar made a good couple, he had been able to envisage them apart.
Tom and Mika, not so much. He could no longer see one without the other, even with Mika at university. She hadn’t gone far when she had fled the nest, commuting from home four days a week. They were together every single weekend, hanging out at each other’s houses or in town so much that Maddie had taken Mika in as an honorary extra daughter, always counting her when she measured out how much to cook. Even Mika’s timid mother treated Tom like the son she’d never had.
“So, how’s uni? How’s your flat?” Mawar asked, pulling her legs up under herself once she had slipped out of her shoes.
“It’s really good,” Lucas said, nodding to himself. “I love my course and I get good marks, so all’s pretty good. I like my flatmates, too. And we just sorted our house for next year.”
“Are you all going together?”
He shook his head. “Nah. Mira, Hermione and I got a place. The guys are finding somewhere with some other friends.”
Mawar raised her eyebrows. “What happened with that insanely hot guy? Carey, was it?”
“Mmhmm.” Lucas blushed. It hadn’t taken long for the story of his drunken kiss with Carey to get out and about, stretching to all corners of his friendship group until somehow Audrie had found out without him telling her. He had never insinuated that it was a secret but he hadn’t realised how fast word could get out. “It … well, it got kind of awkward.”
She grimaced. “Shit. How so?”
He shrugged. “Because we kissed and then didn’t actually talk about it for about a week,” he said, wincing at the recollection of an incredibly awkward conversation when Carey had caught him alone and asked him what they were. Lucas’s literalism had told him they were flatmates. He hadn’t realised that Carey had been hoping for some sort of follow-up to the drunken encounter.
“So you two … you’re not, like, an item?”
“No. No, we’re not,” Lucas said, making an effort not to pull a face. Carey was certainly easy on the eye but after living with him for three months, Lucas had come to realise that he was a little too intense. With five months left of living together, he hoped it wouldn’t become too much of an issue. So far, most of his remedy had been to spend as little time alone with him as possible. That wasn’t too hard with Mira always at his side. She had latched onto him and he didn’t mind at all. She had made her way into his elusive group of people he called friend, someone he wanted his other friends to like too.
“Shame. He’s one hot piece of ass,” she said with a chuckle.
“I’d say you’re welcome, but he’s gay. You may be multi-talented, but I don’t think you can ever be man enough,” he said. Mawar grinned, relaxing in her seat.
“It’s all good, I’m taking a break from guys anyway,” she said. “Maybe next year will be the year of me.” She spread out her arms, deep dimples in her cheeks when she smiled. “I think I owe it to myself to finish first year better than it started.”
“Sorry,” Lucas said again. As much as Mawar insisted that it wasn’t his fault, he felt as though it was. He couldn’t remember everything from the weekend that Asher had stayed over after his first week, but he knew they had talked a lot and drunk even more. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had said something he shouldn’t have: before that weekend, she and Asher had been as close as ever. A few days later, he had broken up with her.
“You need to stop apologising,” Mawar said. “Trust me – I’m fine. We ended on good terms, and it’s been nearly three months. I swear, I’m ok.”
“Are you coming tonight?” he asked. He didn’t expect her to say yes. Tonight, like every New Year’s Eve, there was a party at Asher’s house. Although his parents threw the party, their children always invited their own friends along. Tom and Mika were definitely going and Lucas was a dead cert: even Mira was going along. After her flight back to Michigan had been cancelled, she had made a last minute decision to spend Christmas with the Farnleigh faction of her family, which had meant spending a lot of time with Lucas when a couple of days with Adler had rendered her homicidal.
“I am, yeah,” Mawar said. “Ash asked if I wanted to come and I’d love to hang out with all you guys. And like I keep telling you all, we’re fine. I’m not bitter – these things come to an end. It’s not like I thought we were going to get married, and we had a really good talk. I kind of saw it coming anyway.”
“Really?”
She nodded, smiling. “Anyway, this is about us. You and me,” she said.
“It is.” He sipped is drink and licked his lips. “How’re you? How’s Manchester going?”
“Really well,” she said, sitting on her hands as she nodded. “I love my course – turns out it’s the same one Asher’s mum did, actually, same uni and everything – and I’ve got the best flatmates. We’ve got our house sorted for next year…” She trailed off, a smile on her lips. “It’s going really well.”
“I’m glad,” Lucas said. “I’m really glad. And I’m really glad you’re coming tonight.”
“Me too.”
“You’ll get to meet Mira – I think you’ll like her. I think you two will get on.”
Mawar squinted, trying to remember everything he had told her about before. “She’s Adler’s cousin, isn’t she?”
“Yes, but she’s the anti-Adler. Opposite in every way, and she hates her too.”
“Oh, I’m sold.” A laugh burst out of Mawar. “Any enemy of my enemy is a friend of mine.”
“She’s very outgoing,” he said. “Very confident. No filter at all. She told me about having a threesome the very first night we met.”
Mawar laughed harder. “She sounds amazing. I love that. Alright, I’m more excited for tonight now. Thanks, Lucas.”
“What for?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Just … being my friend, I guess. I was kind of nervous when Ash broke up with me that maybe I wouldn’t get to see you anymore. I didn’t want it to be hella awkward and it hasn’t been at all. So, thank you.”
Lucas smiled. He finished off his hot chocolate, warming him from the inside out. “You were my friend before you two got together,” he said. “I’m not going to unfriend you. Unless you do something horrible.”
“I’ll try not to.” She held up her hands to swear her truth. “You know what, I think I’m gonna get that drink now.”
*
After a couple of hours with Mawar, the two of them chatting even more easily now after university had been Lucas’s crash course in being around people he wasn’t related to, his father picked him up and the two headed home together in the storm.
Lucas didn’t mind storms. His mother freaked out at the first crack of lightning, the first rumble of thunder, and Audrie absolutely hated them, but he had never been to fazed. The weather phenomenon fascinated him, how the dark sky could give way to such a bright crack of light, how that light had the power to kill a person and strike down a tree. It was a dark kind of wonder, a macabre allure to the strength of the virtual unknown.
He felt safe inside the car and the house. For the dash across the road from the car park to the front door, there was a moment of fear when the thunder rolled as loud as he had ever heard it and he ran after his father. Floyd laughed once they reached the lobby.
“Well, someone’s angry,” he said, looking up. “Sure you want to go out again tonight? You don’t just want to tuck up with us and watch the show without having to leave the house again?”
Lucas shook his head. “I love you guys but everyone’s going to the party,” he said. “Mira’s going to be there and I can’t exactly abandon my flatmate when I’m the only person she knows.”
“I’m kidding, don’t worry. I’ll take you.” He took out his key, letting them into the flat with a shudder as the thunder cracked again. Although it was only five o’clock, it was as dark as if it was night time and it felt like it inside: Isabella and Matilda were curled up with their mother on the sofa, the three of them watching a film together. Although Christmas had been and gone six days ago, they were indulging in a festive movie.
“Hey, babe,” Cora said when she heard her husband return. After two children and several years of engagement, the two had wed in a quiet, family-only ceremony and in a few months, they would celebrate their fifth anniversary. They had actually been together for almost fourteen years: Lucas could barely remember his life without Cora when he had only been four years old when she and his father had started dating.
“Hey.” Floyd bent over the sofa to kiss her. When she went to stand, both of her daughters cried out in protest.
“Don’t move!” Matilda said. “You’re comfy, Mum. You can’t move.”
Cora laughed. “Ok, looks like I’m not going anywhere. Any chance you could do me a tea, babes?”
“Of course. Chai?”
“Please. Thanks!” She looked over her shoulder, awkwardly reaching behind herself to pat Lucas’s elbow. “Hey, hun. How’s Mar? Did you guys have a good time?”
“Mmm, she’s well,” he said. “She’s coming to the party tonight. Oh, Dad?”
“Yeah?” he called from the kitchen.
“I forgot, Mar said she’ll pick me up on the way to Asher’s – you don’t need to take me.”
“Sure?” He poked his head round the door and Lucas nodded. He dropped down on the sofa next to Isabella. She pulled him into the huddle, still a total softie even after more than a year of high school. It hadn’t corrupted her yet, and Matilda was still just as innocent four months in. Lucas hoped they would stay that way: he wasn’t ready for his little sisters to get so big. Even Charlotte was just a few days away from her sixth birthday, growing up too fast right before his eyes.
“We’re watching Elf,” Isabella said. “It’s really old but I know you like this one so don’t try to wriggle away.”
“But I’ve missed the first twenty-three minutes.”
She gasped and paused it, looking up at him when she saw that she was twenty-two minutes and forty-four seconds into the film. The screen froze as Buddy got out of the lift, the buttons lit up like a Christmas tree. “How did you know that?”
Lucas shrugged. “I’ve just got magic powers,” he said. He didn’t tell her that twenty-three minutes ago, Cora had texted him to let him know that she and the girls were sitting down to put a film on.
“That’s mental,” Matilda said. She lay with her head on her mother’s stomach, her legs at a crooked ankle over the arm of the sofa. “Unpause it, Issy.”
The screen came to life again. Cora had one arm around Isabella, her oldest daughter nestled under her elbow, and her other hand idly played with Matilda’s long, thick hair. Life in the Flores household was peaceful, an absolute dream in comparison to the chaos that was Song life. Sometimes Lucas liked to take five with his father, a little peace and quiet in the flat that had plenty of space for the people inside.
Floyd came in with two mugs of tea and a packet of biscuits that he had emptied onto a plate so the rustling of the wrapper wouldn’t earn him a glower from his daughters, who liked utter silence when they were watching television.
At some point around the middle of the film, Lucas drifted off. The combination of the comfort of the sofa and the quietness of his family plus the warmth from the central heating had his eyelids drooping. His head lolled against Isabella’s, his limbs growing heavy, and he didn’t stop himself as sleep rolled over him like a welcome wave.
*
When he woke up, Elf was no longer playing. He didn’t recognise the film on the screen, nor did he remember seeing the first film come to an end. When he opened his eyes, he saw that he wasn’t the only one to have fallen victim to the lure of sleep on a winter’s afternoon. Cora’s arms had gone limp around her daughters, the three of them sleeping. Across the room, Floyd was reading a book with a cup of tea in his hand.
Lucas stretched and yawned. “What time is it?” he asked, his words hoarse. He careful moved away from Isabella, trying to stand without waking his baby sister. She snuffled in her sleep, burrowing against her mother, but she didn’t wake.
“Hey there, dozey,” Floyd said with a laugh. He took off his reading glasses and put his book down. “I thought maybe you were all out for the count – I got a couple of good pictures and I think one of your friends commented.”
“You put a picture of us sleeping on Facebook?” Lucas raised his eyebrows. His dad chuckled.
“It was funny,” he said. “Six o’clock on New Year’s Eve and my whole family’s out cold.” He loaded up his app, showing Lucas. Beneath the picture, Mira had left a comment:
**lol no wonder lucas isn’t answering his phone!! please tell him i’ll be over at seven thirty!
Lucas checked the time on his father’s phone. “Oh, crap. It’s seven twenty-eight already. Dad! You should’ve woken me up!”
“Sorry! I was reading – all of you sleep so quietly, I didn’t even notice you after a while. Mira … that’s the American, right?”
He nodded. “I’m giving her a lift,” he said. “Well, you were going to be but now Mar is. I haven’t packed.”
“For a night at Asher’s? Isn’t that just, like, yourself?”
“And my pyjamas,” Lucas said, “and my toothbrush and toothpaste, and my slippers.”
Floyd laughed at how specific his son was. “I don’t know why you don’t have a set of everything over there – you spend half your life there already!”
“True. But I don’t, so I need to pack,” he said. “If there’s a knock, can you let Mira in?”
“Sure.”
Lucas ducked into his room, taking out the same rucksack he always used for sleepovers. His slippers went at the bottom, soles down. They never left the house but he didn’t want them to dirty anything else in his bag. Next went a pair of jeans for the next day along with a spare t-shirt and a jumper, and extra underwear. On top, he added a pair of neatly folded bottoms onto which he placed a top, followed by the spare toothbrush and toothpaste he kept in his room specifically for nights away. He wrapped his spare phone charger into a neat circle and tucked it into the backpack along with two spare pairs of socks and an extra pair of boxers, just in case.
Everything he owned had a place; everything he did had a reason.
As soon as he headed into the sitting room once he had finished packing, a very precise affair, there was a knock on the door and he heard voices on the other side. Mira wasn’t alone. He picked out Mawar’s soft tone against his flatmate’s distinct accent, their voices chalk and cheese, and he opened the door to his two friends.
“Hey, guys,” he said. “You found each other, huh?”
“I literally just got here and I saw Mawar up ahead,” Mira said. Lucas liked her nasal As, the way she pronounced Mawar’s name with a slight twinge on the second syllable. “I recognised her from the picture on your wall.”
Mawar raised her eyebrows at Lucas. “You have pictures of me on your wall?”
“Just group ones,” he said, stumbling as though he was guilty of something more perverted. Mawar laughed.
“I’m just joshing with you. Well, come on, let’s go. You ready?”
He nodded, hooking his bag over his shoulder. Cora and the girls were still sleeping, his father the only one he could say goodbye to. “See you tomorrow, Dad,” he said. “Happy New Year!”
“Have a fantastic time,” Floyd said, clapping his son on the back rather than embarrassing him in front of his friends with a hug. “Just keep me in the loop tomorrow; Cora and I will be around all day so drop me a line if you need picking up.”
“Thanks. Have a good evening,” Lucas said as he left, flanked by Mira and Mawar either side.
“Wow,” Mira said once they were halfway down the stairs.
“What?”
“Your dad is seriously hot,” she said. Lucas snorted, an involuntary mix of surprise and discomfort.
“My dad is a married father,” he said. Mira laughed.
“Doesn’t make him any less hot. No wonder you’re so damn adorable when your dad is totally smoking and your mom is, like, the absolute cutest. I think I’m in love with your family,” she said with a dreamy sigh, her hand over her heart.
“Someone’s feeling festive,” Mawar said with a chuckle. “I like you, Mira.”
Mira beamed. “Thanks. You’re pretty fucking cute yourself.”
Mawar blushed so hard her cheeks matched her red scarf, her dark eyes wide, and she laughed. “I like you even more now.”
*
They had to drive slowly in the pouring rain. The thunder had passed on but the downpour remained, rain lashing the pavement and bouncing up off its own puddles. Mawar had the wipers going full speed but it wasn’t quite enough to clear the windscreen. She drove carefully, taking twice as long to reach Asher’s house in one piece rather than rush and spin off the road. As far as New Year’s Eve went, it was still early when they arrived at eight o’clock, though the party was in full swing.
Tom and Mika were there, sipping ciders with Asher as the three of them played with Sadie. At four, she was the youngest there by a long way but she got a kick out of hanging out with her big brother and her friends as though she was a grown up. She drank fruit juice out of a sippy cup, pretending it was the same as what Asher was drinking, and she had dressed up for the party to match her mother. Both wore stunning red dresses, their hair done to match.
“Hey!” Asher called out when he spotted the three of them. “Three at once, jackpot!” He laughed, hugging Lucas first for a long few seconds before he gave Mawar a soft smile and hugged her too. Mira launched herself at him before he could question whether or not it was appropriate to hug her.
“Hey, stranger!” she said, ruffling his hair. “Your house is the fucking bomb. God, I wanna live here.”
“You live on the beach,” Asher said. “What can beat the beach?”
Mira pulled a face. “I live on the shore of Lake Michigan – it’s a bit different. But you have a good point. I wouldn’t move away from the water.” She gazed around the impressive house, decked out in the most festive Christmas decorations. An enormous tree dominated the hallway, more of a grand entrance, and fairy lights dripped from every mantelpiece and hung over every door.
They all followed Asher to the kitchen where he took a few ciders out of the fridge and a beer for Mawar, opening it for her before he passed it over. There was no friction between them and Lucas couldn’t help but wonder what exactly had gone wrong. They had both been vague when they had talked about the end of their relationship, which he had attributed to them not wanting to talk about it in too much detail, and he wished he knew what had been the catalyst for a sweet relationship to end.
“Cheers,” Mira said, holding up her can, the six of them clinking their drinks together. Sadie lifted her cup as high as she could, not quite tall enough to join the toast until Asher lifted her up with a chuckle, kissing his little sister’s cheek.
“Here’s to a crazy year,” Lucas said. He couldn’t get his head around everything that had happened in the past twelve months, from getting three new siblings – three brothers at that – and getting into Cambridge; from having his first kiss and getting properly drunk for the first time to ending up in a house with his best friend’s ex-girlfriend’s American cousin.
“I may be totally new to this group,” Mira said, “and I know it’s not Thanksgiving – and that you guys don’t even do Thanksgiving – but I just wanna say I’m really thankful for having somehow ended up in an apartment with Lucas. You guys seem pretty cool from what he tells me and I guess it’s just awesome that my first semester in England has been so great.” She raised her cider again before she swallowed a third of it with a grin.
“I can get on board with that,” Mawar said, bumping shoulders with Mira. “I’m so thankful for all you guys. You let me break into your friendship group a couple of years ago and I can’t imagine my life without you.”
“Here’s to friends,” Lucas said, setting off a chain reaction of thank yous and cheers as they drank to the toast. It had been a good year, he thought. An awful lot better than he had feared and expected. Perhaps the next would be even better.
Asher met Lucas’s eye. “Here’s to us,” he said, holding his gaze. Lucas’s stomach flipped, a wobbly smile jumping to his lips. Asher smiled right back.
*
As the minutes passed, the drinks flowed. As the clock closed in on midnight, Lucas had lost count of how many ciders he’d drunk after the third, his stomach fizzing with the mixed bubbles of carbonated fruit and a couple of glasses of prosecco. His tolerance was building up but the mix of the two was enough to make his head spin a little, his grin a little loopier than usual.
The party food helped, going some way to soak up the alcohol as he lined his stomach with the sausage rolls and mini quiches. Ishaana always went all out for a party, buying more than necessary to ensure there was enough food and drink for her guests: the family usually spend the next couple of days living off finger food.
Lucas dropped down next to Tom on the playroom sofa, where the six of them found themselves spending most of their time as though they were still children. He let out a long sigh and beamed at his uncle and Mika, who he jokingly called his aunt sometimes.
“How’s it going?” he asked, resting his arm along the back of the sofa, a glass in his hand. When he took a sip, he almost missed his mouth. “You guys ok?”
“We’re great,” Mika said with a soft smile. Tom’s arm was tucked around her shoulders, holding her close, and she rested her hand on his knee. “How’re you? How’re things out there?”
“Things are good,” Lucas said, polishing off his glass. It was going to his head, a mixture of tired and happy and peaceful: it was a good way to kick off the new year. “Mawar and Mira are getting along very well.”
Tom raised his eyebrows. “Very well?”
“Mira likes everyone,” Lucas said, his tipsy explanation of his friend’s pansexuality, “and Mawar seems to like Mira.” He put his hands together. If there had been anything left in his glass, it would have gone all over Tom. “It’s cute. I like Mar. I like Mira. I like when my friends like each other. Like you two!” He gave Mika and Tom a soppy smile.
“Thanks,” Tom said with a laugh, sipping his own cider. “We like you too.”
“I think you should get married,” Lucas said. “You can be my aunt, Mika. Auntie Mika. Is that weird?”
“It’s only weird if you actually call me Auntie Mika,” she said with a grin. “Even if I ever am your aunt, I forbid you from calling me that.”
“I can’t call you auntie,” Lucas said with a sigh. “It’s weird. It’s not right. You’re my friends. You’re both my friends.”
Mika chuckled. “You’re cute, Lucas,” she said. “What’ve you done with Asher? You guys have been together all night, where’s he gone?”
Lucas pointed at the ceiling. “He’s putting Sadie to bed,” he said. He had stayed for the first story that they had read to the little girl before Mira and Mawar had found him and pulled him downstairs again.
His drink was empty. It was almost midnight, just a couple of minutes away. Lucas pushed himself off the sofa and took his glass through to the kitchen at the other end of the house, leaving it by the sink before he opened the fridge and looked for another can of cider. There were a couple left, one apple and one mixed fruit. He took the second, his favourite, and he jumped when he closed the door and saw Asher standing on the other side.
They had spent most of the evening together, chatting about everything and nothing all at once until he’d had to put Sadie down. Now he was back, a reassuring smile on his lips. Lucas hadn’t felt like he needed reassuring until he saw that smile and he felt even more at peace.
“Hey,” he said. “Cider?”
“I’m alright, thanks,” Asher said. He checked his watch. A few seconds until midnight. He stepped forwards, placing his hand on Lucas’s shoulder. “It’s nearly the new year.”
Asher’s hand moved to his cheek, the world slowing into slow motion as he leant closer and closed his eyes. The moment his lips met Lucas’s, his palm warm against his jaw, fireworks went off outside. Lucas felt them go off in his stomach too, every organ on fire as Asher’s lips fizzed against his. He had dreamt about the moment for years and as it happened, he melted.
Asher pulled away, painfully slowly. Lucas stood with his mouth open, his breaths hot and heavy. They held each other’s eye contact for a couple of seconds, the moment intensifying before Lucas cupped Asher’s face in both hands and kissed him again. Their bodies pressed together against the fridge, bathed in the darkness of the kitchen. Desperate fuelled him, fourteen years of aching love letting itself out in the way he kissed Asher. He dropped the cider. It rolled away. His fists bunched in Asher’s hair to hold him closer, one hand moving down to the small of his back to clutch at his shirt as the tender New Year’s kiss grew more passionate. Asher knocked Lucas’s glasses askew as he ran his hands through his hair, pressing him against the counter as he devoured him.
Lucas forgot how to breath. Gasping for air, he pulled away and stared up at Asher, his chest heaving. Asher’s eyes were glistening, his hand still on Lucas’s cheek.
“I love you,” he said, a quiver in his voice.
“You don’t mean that,” Lucas said. Asher shook his head, kissing Lucas again.
“I do. I mean it. I love you, Lucas. I love you.” He kissed him deeper, sinking against him. Lucas could hardly hear him over the thud in his ears, his heart beating like a drum, and he felt that familiar squirm as he began to stiffen.
“I love you too,” he said. “I’ve loved you for fourteen years.”
“I’m so sorry,” Asher said. “I love you. I want you. You’re my best friend; you’re my everything. Fuck, I’m sorry. I fucking love you, ok? I love you so much it hurts. Fuck, it hurts.” He laced his fingers with Lucas’s, resting his forehead against his. His chest heaved. Lucas put his hand over Asher’s heart, feeling the adrenaline-filled pulse that beat hard behind his ribs. He knew that heartache, the pain of love.
But suddenly, it didn’t hurt anymore.
Asher pulled him away from the fridge. Their palms were hot against each other, their bodies alive. Lucas couldn’t catch his breath.
“Where’re we going?”
“My room,” Asher said. “I want to kiss you. I don’t want anyone to ruin it.” He pulled Lucas into his room and pushed the door shut, leading him over to the bed. Lucas dropped onto the soft mattress and pulled Asher down next to him, pulling him close to kiss him again. He wanted to taste his tongue, the sweet tang of cider, and feel his body. He ran his hands over his shirt, feeling the ripples of his muscles beneath the thin material.
Asher lay down on his side. Lucas copied him so they lay facing each other, mere inches between their bodies. They could feel the heat radiating off each other, years of tension building up until it had to explode somehow.
“It’s always been you,” Asher whispered, staring deep into Lucas’s eyes. “I just didn’t see it. God, I wish I had.” His hand found Lucas’s waist, shifting a little closer so he pressed his thigh against Lucas’s aching crotch. Lucas let out an involuntary groan at the contact.
“I wish you had too,” he said, his hand on Asher’s shoulder as he kissed him again.
The alcohol helped the moment, freeing their thoughts and their actions from the cages they had been locked away in for so long. Lucas felt no restraint as he kissed his best friend, the one who had always been more than his best friend. The one he had always wished would feel the same. The one.
Asher grazed his hand over Lucas’s groin. He met his eye, holding his gaze for a moment before he asked, “Can I?”
Lucas held onto his heart to stop it from jumping out of his throat. He nodded, his head swimming as Asher fumbled with his belt and his fly, kissing him as his clumsy hands tripped over buttons and zips. He rolled Lucas onto his back leaning over him to kiss him, one hand holding himself up and the other hand between them.
“Fuck,” Asher muttered against Lucas’s mouth as he touched him, pulling his lips between his teeth. Lucas could hardly breathe, the fireworks outside joined by the ones in his head, and the ones Asher was pushing him towards with an expert hand. He threw his head back, his body overwhelmed by the thrill of someone else’s touch: Asher’s touch. The only one he had ever craved.
Neither heard the knock on the door over the sounds of their own breaths, muffled as they kissed with increasing hunger. Neither saw the door open until it was too late to salvage the moment. Asher continued, clueless that his speechless father was behind him. Lucas let out a strangled cry when he saw Bishop, his words failing him as Asher swallowed his breath with a kiss. Rooted to the spot for a full two seconds, Bishop disappeared as quickly as he had shown up – and a little paler.
Lucas held his breath, groaning into Asher’s kiss as he bit his lip, pushed past the point of no return. His body spasmed, his eyes squeezing tight shut as he dug his nails into Asher’s back to hold him closer as he tried to catch his breath.
“Fuck,” Asher said. Lucas covered his face with one hand, mortification kicking in as he came down from the high. Asher dropped onto his side. “Are you ok?”
“Your dad…” Lucas cringed so hard it hurt to say the words. “Your dad walked in.”
Asher’s eyes popped out of his head, the entire whites of his eyes visible around his irises. “Oh, shit,” he said. Then he laughed. “Breakfast might be awkward.”
Lucas let himself laugh too, soothed by Asher’s reaction. “Just a bit.” He closed his eyes and let his head loll back, a dreamy smile on his lips. “I love you.”
Asher kissed his shoulder. “I love you too.”
They had missed the fireworks show, their absence hardly noticed by the tipsy crowds downstairs, but they didn’t care. While everyone else was crowded round the television to watch the sparks fly, they had caught their own private show.
Lucas rested his ear against his arm, lying on his side opposite Asher who wore an easy smile on his lips as though nothing had changed, as though the night had always been an inevitable stop on the journey of their friendship.
“Hey,” Lucas said.
“Hey.” His smile grew into a grin that bubbled into a laugh, his hand tucked under his temple. He gazed at Lucas, losing himself in his eyes, and traced his hand down his arm, linking their fingers in the inches between them. “Happy New Year.”
+ – + – +
so this was one of those chapters that i have been fantasising about – literally daydreaming about it – ever since i started writing this book. one of very few that was in the very first original plan! i hope you liked this. i wasn’t planning to double update and i didn’t even start this chapter until after 10pm, after writing a 7,000 word chapter this morning but . . . it’s lusher. i couldn’t resist.
enjoy!
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