Carson’s POV
“Why don’t you go jump in the shower while I get everything set up?” Jay asked as we walked into our house with all of our bags from our little shopping excursion.
I agreed, setting the few bags I was carrying down before heading upstairs with my newly purchased hair products and into the master bedroom. We were still in the process of unpacking all of our things and settling in. Jay and I also bought new furniture that was going to be delivered in a few days; it was coming together, slowly but surely.
After grabbing some clothes from the half-full closet, I went into the bathroom and began stripping as the water warmed up. Looking into the mirror, I still saw all my imperfections: skinny in the wrong places and gaining weight in the places I really wished I wouldn’t, freckles that were everywhere, and just everything I hated about myself.
Two positive things for every negative you think of. Liz’s voice reminded me in the back of my head. I could do that.
Skinny and fat in the wrong places: I can run faster than Jay because my body doesn’t have as much bulk and I’m gaining weight to eventually carry our kids and have a family.
The freckles that littered my face: my grandma always said they were kisses from angles and I could live with knowing I was kissed by thousands of angles and my hair was a work in progress but getting there; I could practically see our kids running around with curly hair that was untamable but with the brightest smiles. Laughing because Jay did something silly; he was going to be an amazing dad.
So will you, you’re a natural. Issac commented, and I didn’t have it in me anymore to disagree.
Yeah, I could do this.
— — —
“It is so fucking cold holy shit,” Jay groaned as I helped him apply a facemask. I laughed lightly but continued to put it on his face. Between the dozen different masks he got, he opted for a hydrating one on his cheeks and a smoothing on along his t-zone.
I was sat on the bathroom counter with him between my legs as I put the mask on him while he applied one to my skin. It was nice, comfortable. When both of our masks were on, we headed downstairs to eat our dinner and start a movie. Before I reached the last step, Jay was covering my eyes and leading me into the living room.
“Even though we’re mates and all, we haven’t been on a proper date yet, so I thought why not create one here!” With that, he uncovered my eyes and let me take in the scene in front of me. The living room was rather dark with the only light illuminating from the TV; there was a huge air mattress on the ground covered in blankets and different pillows. There were a couple of candles lit throughout the room, but the scents mixed well with ours; it was perfect.
“You didn’t have to do this, but I appreciate it,” turning around, Jay had his eyes solely focused on me and a light blush on his cheeks.
“It’s no big deal; besides, I wanted to do something for you. You’ve been working so hard these past few weeks, and I am so fucking proud of you, dollface.” He pulled me into a light kiss, minding the masks on both of our faces, before pulling the two of us towards the bed he made and taking our food out.
The two of us ate in comfortable silence with When Harry Met Sally playing in the background. Once our timers went off, we paused the movie and took our face masks off before doing an entire routine Jay decided was necessary. There were oils, pore strips, toners, and more that we spent half an hour applying. It was fun, and I wasn’t focusing on the fact that I just ate a good amount of carbs.
When we got back downstairs, Jay pushed me face-first into the bed with a demand to take my shirt off so he could give me a massage. A bit self-consciously, I pulled my shirt off before laying back down; Jay grabbed out some oils and poured some between his hands to warm it up before beginning to massage my shoulders.
“I am really proud of you; even before we found out we were mates, you were the person closest to me, and now I get to spend the rest of my life with such a wonderful person. You’re going to make the best possible luna and dad to our kids,” Jay spoke with such a soft tone, almost like he wanted to keep it to himself. Like it was his most cherished secret was finally out.
“And I know that you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to become healthier and love yourself, but I want you to know that I will still love you through everything,” oh god, “no matter if we were or weren’t mates. It will always be you and me against the world.” I had tears in my eyes and was most definitely overly emotional. He turned me back over and pulled me into a hug while letting me cry into his neck.
“I-thank you,” I stuttered out as he rubbed his hands up and down my back in reassurance.
I never thought I would be able to have a mate because of my mother; let alone a mate who actually cared about me and accepted me, faults and all. I never thought someone would be able to see past all the self-doubt and self-hatred and actually like me. Jay held me in his arms for a few more minutes as I stopped crying.
“You good?” Jay asked when I pulled away and picked up my shirt from the bed and pulled it back on before using the bottom to wipe the tears off my face. I nodded and pulled away a bit from him before leaning into him to give a quick peck on the lips.
A true alpha through and through. Issac sighed as Jay pulled me back in for a deeper kiss. I could physically feel every muscle in my body relax into him as he pulled me closer. Everything faded away as we kissed. Tingles spread everywhere throughout my body as I lost myself in everything that was Jay. Nothing else mattered around us; just the two of us. A few moments later, Jay and I were pulling away and just enjoying each other in the afterglow.
“Can we talk about something?” I asked after we both got comfortable in the bed again with ice cream in our hands and the covers pulled up to our chins. When Harry Met Sally was started up again and Jay had me pulled into his side. Looking down at me, Jay nodded and paused the movie.
Don’t work yourself up over all the different possibilities that could come out of this, that will never work if your favor. Liz’s voice rang through my mind, reminding me that Jay would be okay with whatever I had to say because he cared about me. And in the end, he just wanted me happy and healthy.
“So, uh, you know how we never really, like,”
“Hey, calm down; it’s just me. Your heart rate is skyrocketing. Take a deep breath,” Jay paused and took one with me trying to get me to calm down some, “there you go, see? It’s all good.”
“As much as I want to mate with you and be with you, I don’t want to because I don’t want you to be disappointed and feel like you’re stuck with me now.”Jay looked shocked at the confession but I couldn’t stop what I was saying.
“I am really trying to be confident, but I’m just not, and you are and you’re like really amazing and I don’t want you to feel trapped. Because every part of my being is saying to just be with you, but I can’t help but think that I shouldn’t and that you should have a different mate. And, and it’s nothing you’ve done because you’ve made me feel so much better about myself, but I guess there’s still that part of me that doesn’t believe it; that doesn’t believe you.” I was pretty much panting by the end and refusing to look Jay in the eye because I could tell by his scent that he was hurt.
The room was silent as the two of us just sat there: me regretting what I said immediately and Jay processing my confession. It was true, however, because I didn’t want him to be disappointed and feel trapped, but at the same time, he had been nothing but supporting and encouraging.
Without saying a word, Jay stood up and walked out of the room and upstairs, leaving me alone. Without meaning to, tears came up my eyes.
I really screwed up, Issac.
No, he’s not mad. He can’t be, and if he is, kick his ass, okay? You did nothing wrong. His voice was calming as reassuring, but I still couldn’t help the crying.
A few minutes later, Jay came downstairs with a mirror and marker in his hand; without uttering a word, he leaned the mirror up against the wall and came back to the bed. Wordlessly, he pulled me up, took my shirt off, wiped my face, and helped my stand to take my sweatpants off, leaving me in nothing but my boxer-briefs.
“Jay-” he cut me off with a shake of his head as he pulled the two of us to stand in front of the mirror he brought down.
“What don’t you like about yourself? Body or personality, what is it?” His request made me stumble a bit; his voice was tense and eyes hard as he stared me down through the mirror. I forced myself to meet his heavy-gaze head-on. It was like a trance, I no longer was worried about the fact that I was nearly naked next to him and we were just staring at each other indirectly.
Jay took my chin in his hand and forced me to look at myself all the way, “Come on, gimme a list. I know you have one,” he wasn’t wrong; I did have a list of everything I didn’t like about myself.
“My shoulders are too broad,” Jay shook his head as he uncapped the marker in his hand and wrote something across the span of my shoulders. When he was done, he stayed silent while looking at me expectedly, “My collarbones are too prominent, they look sickly.” He turned me around and stayed silent as he wrote something else on me; when I was facing the mirror again, I didn’t even have it in me to read what I now could.
This back-and-forth game went on for what felt like hours; it was honestly hypnotizing. I allowed myself to get lost in the drag of the marker against my skin and the quiet words flowing out of my mouth. The world fell away as Jay stayed silent and let me degrade myself; only an occasional grunt leaving his mouth and the permanent pinch in his brows.
“I-I don’t think there’s anything else,” my voice was a whisper as Jay finished writing something on the back of my thigh. He hummed but otherwise stayed silent. After he set the marker down, he got up from where he was sitting on the floor and stood to his full height behind me.
“Your shoulders carry our entire friend group and relationship,” he started, reading each and every compliment he wrote on my body in retaliation for every degrading thing I was able to come up with.
“Your collarbones are delicate, and I can mark them up just to let everyone know you’re taken.” He growled lightly towards the end making me huff out a laugh.
“Your arms were made for giving the best hugs possible,”
“Your hands have built so many incredible relationships,”
“Your belly is strong but soft enough to stretch for our babies; it’s showing how healthy you’re becoming,”
“Your hair frames your face so well,”
“Freckles are angels kisses, and you’re perfect enough to have been kissed by hundreds of angels in your lifetime,”
“Your hips are widening to be able to carry babies, do you realize how amazing and beautiful that is,”
“You’re eyes look like the sea after a storm: calm and collected. They’re the window to the most precious soul I’ve had the chance of meeting,”
“Your strong legs make it easy for you to outrun anyone and carry this beautiful being that you are,”
This went on and on and on, seemingly never-ending. For each and every degrading thing I could say about myself, Jay rebutted what I said. I was speechless and crying as he went through everything he wrote. I could tell he meant them from the bottom of his heart.
By the end, I was crying and losing focus on what he was saying.
“And most importantly, your chest holds the most accepting and loving and caring heart possible,” and with that, Jay was turning me away from the mirror and pulling me into his arms. I was completely sobbing at this point and unable to focus on anything else.
“I want you to realize and understand what I and every other person sees when they look at you; the most incredible, beautiful, and caring person out there. I want you to understand how amazing and perfect you are in my eyes; whether you’re 150 pounds or 300 pounds, it does not matter to me, as long as you’re healthy. We could mate tomorrow, in a week, in a month, or in a year and I would never blame you for it. You need to love yourself, okay? I just want you happy, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.” Jay’s voice was wavering as he pulled me closer to him.
Even as I tried to open my mouth to say something, anything, nothing came out. Tears were still freely streaming down my face as I tried to calm down, but I just couldn’t.
“I loved you before and I love you now and I’ll love you forever, you and me; forever and always.”
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