Н‘¡Â„Žð‘’ Н‘Ð‘Žð‘Ð‘¦Ð‘ Ð‘–Н‘¡Ð‘¡Ð‘’Н‘Ÿ, Н‘Ÿð‘Žð‘Â„Žð‘’Н‘™ Н‘”Н‘Ÿð‘’Н‘’Н‘› iv. the sweet relief of death

Natalie was sat on the floor, sipping more of the cocktail Monica had made while Rachel and Monica sat on the couch and Phoebe sat on the table beside Natalie. It was now Monica’s turn to console Rachel but that didn’t seem to work out the way it did with the younger sister. 

“You should feel great about yourself,” Natalie rubs her hand up and down Rachel’s arm, “You’re doing this amazing independant thing,” Rachel paused to take in her friend’s words before she spoke again. 

“Monica, I gave up everything and for what?” Rachel looked defeated as Natalie handed her the blender back, as if that would help. “You’re just like Jack.” Phoebe started, the women looking over at her, all slightly confused. 

“Jack from downstairs?” Rachel furrowed her brows, “Or Jack from Titanic?” Natalie raised a brow and Phoebe shook her head. “No, Jack and The Beanstalk.” 

“Ah, the other Jack,” Monica’s voice was laced with sarcasm while Natalie stared up at the perky blonde with curious eyes. “Because he gave up his cow and got the beans.” Natalie had never really heard the story but she had seen the episode of Sabrina The Teenage Witch so it was close enough. 

“Exactly!” Phoebe looked down at the only person who seemed to understand her, “And then he woke up and there was this big plant outside of his window full of possibilities and stuff,” She waved her hands around, adding a magical element to her story telling which Natalie enjoyed.

“And he lived in a village and you live in the Village,” Phoebe watched as Natalie nodded. 

“Either I’m tipsy or Phoebe is a genius.” She nodded to herself, slowly getting up from the floor. “It’s all about how you look at it,” She patted Monica’s arm to tell her to get up and she scoffed a little before she did. 

Natalie sat down on the couch, putting her legs over Rachel’s lap. “But I had a plan, now things are all…” Rachel was looking for the right word when Phoebe said, “Floopy,” Which was the perfect word. 

“Listen, Rach, I’m a college student.” Natalie leaned back into her seat, now almost sitting on Rachel’s lap, “Things are always floopy and weird and so fucking hard that most mornings I wanna jump out of the window for that sweet relief of death,” Natalie shook her head, her words softer as she spoke to herself. 

Monica cleared her throat, telling the girl to get to her point, “What I’m trying to say is; life sucks and then it stops and then it sucks more so no one knows what they’re doing and that’s what makes it fun,” Natalie shrugged, she could either be really good at this advice thing or really crappy.

“But what if we don’t get magic beans? What if we just get beans?” Rachel leaned again Natalie again, like it would fix her again. 

There was a small pause and it seemed like Phoebe and Monica were struck by that thought too? What if this is the best it gets for them? The only one who wasn’t falling apart was Natalie who falls apart too much to be triggered by this. 

It wasn’t long until everyone was drinking, Phoebe laying on the floor, Rachel and Natalie on the couch and Monica eating cookie dough on another couch. “I’m sorry guys, I didn’t mean to bring you down.” Rachel sipped her drink, her head still on Natalie’s chest. 

“No, you’re right, I don’t have a plan.” Monica held her hands up in surrender. 

There’s a knock on the door and Rachel rushes to get the pizza. “Phoebe,” Monica calls as Phoebe removes her blonde hair from her face, “Do you have a plan?”

“I don’t even have a pla,”

At the door, Rachel was about to cry because they got the wrong pizza. 

“What about you, Nats?” Phoebe looked over at the younger woman who took a sip of her drink, the taste burning the back of her throat because there was almost no juice in her drink. “I’ve never had a plan, I just keep trying to make it to Friday.” The girl answered honestly. 

Monica groaned at the thought, “What hell do you live in?” 

Natalie thought about it for a second, “You can drink Friday night so just make it to Friday.” 

Phoebe cleared her throat before she spoke, “That’s the kind of talk that takes you to AA, I would know.” She takes another sip of her drink and Natalie wants to ask but she can’t even feel her brain. “You can tell me that story when I’m sober.” She promised and then she gets up.

She tried to get to the door but Monica beat her to it because the pizza they got was meant for George Stephanopolous and they had to take it. None of the others knew who that was but Natalie was too hungry too care.

Monica was looking through the window while Natalie fell back on the couch. “You don’t wanna see this guy?” Rachel asked as Natalie rested the pizza box on her chest, shaking her head. “I just want my pizza.” She shrugged, taking a bite of the pizza as Rachel sighed and took a slice for herself. 

“How are you so calm about almost everything?” Rachel sat down beside her as Natalie picks up her legs to let her sit down. Natalie shrugged, “I really don’t know, I guess once you’ve hit rock bottom, everything else feels okay,” Rachel looked down at the dark haired girl, a slight concern on her face as she tried to think about what would be so awful that nothing really made Natalie worry. 

“And I guess Phoebe was right,” Natalie stared up at the ceiling, taking a sip of her drink before she reached her right hand out to touch Rachel’s before she smiled to herself softly. “You’re my magic bean, you know that?” She didn’t meet Rachel’s gaze, she didn’t see the way her eyes softened. 

Whoever said the eyes were the window to the soul, well, they were right. Rachel’s eyes had soften like her blistered soul as she put her glass down, moving to lay beside Natalie again. Her arm was over Rachel’s shoulder as Rachel played with the rings on her fingers. 

“You make life a little easier, Nat.” Rachel whispered, closing her eyes as Natalie stared up at the ceiling, playing with a feather in her right hand as she tried to find the right words. “You making it easier to breath, that’s all I’m trying to say.” 

Natalie’s words had run dry as she rested her cheek to Rachel’s head, she hummed in agreement to her words and the two just layed their for a while. Finally it was like they both could just exist and for a second, life wasn’t trying to drown them.