“Continue,” says the soft, deep voice.
I’m looking down at my hands resting on my lap. I blink a couple of times, then scratch my eye and look up at the voice’s owner. She sits behind a large wooden desk. Her hair is blond, her cheeks are softly tainted with a natural shade of red. Her fingers entwined on top of the desk, her fingernails are manicured, and the skin of her hands lets me know she’s never done heavy work. She wears a white gold necklace and a wedding band.
“Riley?” she calls again. I look up into her blue eyes. Did I space out again? “Did you forget again? Do you need help to…?”
“No,” I say “I know what I was telling you.”
She breathes out and licks her lips “Okay.”
“I just… I need a moment.” I sigh and look away.
She gives me a sweet, tender smile and says “We’ve talked about this, Riley. I understand how painful it must be to relive those moments. But this is progress.” Her English accent makes her sound more professional.
“Yeah, yeah. I know.”
“Do you want us to take a break?”
“Can I get some water?” I reply. My head is starting to ache, nothing too bad, so I decide not to tell her. At this point, I’m used those headaches.
She stands up from behind her desk and takes out a bottle of water from the drawer to her right. She hands me the bottle and goes back to her sit. I take a few sips and put the lid back on. I put the bottle on the floor and look up.
“Please, continue.” She encourages me. But I don’t remember what we were talking about, which makes me deeply sad.
“What was I… were we…?” She understands what is happening, it happens quite often.
“Breathe, Riley. It’s fine. We began talking about something else, it’s completely understandable that you lost your train of thought.”
I look into her eyes, trying to figure out if she’s lying to make me feel better. She never does, but I always distrust. “Really, is it?”
“Yes, it can happen to anyone.”
“It can?”
“Of course. Now, what’s the last you remember?”
“I don’t… I…”
“It’s okay Riley, we’ve been through this. What should you do when you forget something?”
I sigh “I should close my eyes, breathe in and go to the last thing I remember no matter how far back that is… and just go from there.” I recite the steps I know by heart and do exactly as they ask me to. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and think about the last thing I remember.
I was on top of Faye, we were kissing in the shed. Her dad called for us, I helped them with dinner, then went home at seven.
Lucky for me, those memories are crystal clear.
My dad should be angry, but he isn’t, my mom explains why. I help her with… Yes! That’s it!
“I helped my mom with the hot cocoa!”
“Yes, good job,” she replies with pride in her voice. “Now, after that, you stopped. Do you know why?”
I don’t, but whatever the reason is, it gives me an asphyxiating sensation. I look up “I remember… it’s because of what’s next.”
“Yes. Can you tell me what hapened next? You graduated, and then what?” she says with that sweet smile and patient expression she always seems to have with me.
I nod. I close my eyes and go to that part of my brain. The part of my brain that is not damaged and remembers the pain. This will not be easy, will it?
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