   The snowstorms stopped, and the sun came out, letting the ice melt until the ground was visible again. It was then the Lord decided that he would make his promise of teaching me how to mount a horse a reality. Since I had been avoiding him back after he’d made the promise, he couldn’t teach me, and when I had learned the truth and stopped avoiding him, the snow had already colonized the grounds.
   “Hey, put your leg here, don’t be scared.” I shut my eyes, listening to the Lord’s voice as he made to adjust my sitting position. The fact that he kept adjusting me by the legs and hands made my head buzz, as well as made my face go warm. At least I could blame the redness on the biting cold. The snow was gone, but the dry chill remained.
   “You don’t look well. Is the coat warm enough?” The Lord asked, and I nodded, touching the buttons of the coat he had lent to me. It was made of goat cashmere—wool spun from goat hair. It was light, but it was also warmer than sheep’s wool. The ends were also laced with mink fur.
   It was expensive.
   But that wasn’t the greatest thing about it. The best thing about the coat was that it smelled like the Lord—gun powder, berry fruits, and bay rum.
   “Hold the reins properly. The horse won’t hurt you,” the Lord said, and I nodded, trolling the reins into my fist. I was on Bessa—an old horse the horse keeper had recommended I use when the Lord had pulled me by the hand and marched with me to the stables.
   “She wouldn’t hurt a fly,” the horse keeper had promised, picking his teeth with the end of a broomstick as the Lord queried him about my safety.
   That’s how we got here—me on a horse refusing to open my eyes, and the Lord leading Bessa around via a lease.
   “Take a deep breath, Manfred.” The sound of Lord Evenus saying my name made my eyes peel open. I instantly felt seek and had an urge to climb down, but the horse was moving, so I just clenched on to the reins, hoping I didn’t fall.
   “You’re finally looking,” the Lord said. Making me look up ahead again. He had turned to grin at me, even giving me a small wave with his free hand. I spotted Troy’s brown fur in the mix of things. The dog was doing circles around the old horse. He was in the mood to play, but no one was paying too much attention to him.
   “Should I come to join you up there?” Lord Evenus asked, making me blink. My face grew even warmer at the thought of that. It was nice enough that he was walking me around with the horse and had given me one of his best coats. If he came up and shared the horse’s saddle with my I might burst from joy.
   “Is the silence a no? I’m confused.” The Lord’s laughter rang through the air. He had led the horse a little distance away from the castle. We were in a trail void of buildings for miles to come, and the trees were closing in the further we ventured. I guessed this was the trail Lord Evenus took when he went hunting or for an evening ride.
   “Oh no, I mean yes,” I stuttered, as Lord Evenus stopped tugging at the lease. Bessa stopped. “I mean it would be helpful if you came and joined me,” I muttered, tightening my grip on the reins as I watched the Lord smile at me. He pulled over his hood, covering his face like I was used to before I met him properly. He walked over to me, making to climb up the saddle. Bessa bucked a bit, but it seemed she was able to take the weight of the two of us.
   “Could you scoot forward a bit?” he asked, fanning his neck with his breath. I nodded, doing as I was told, thinking that it was to create some distance between us, but he moved forward, slipping easily into the saddle before pulling me back smack against him. I felt the air leave my lungs, but I wasn’t given too much time to think about it because he bucked his legs against the horse’s side, and it started moving.
   Troy barked, following the horse when Lord Evenus took the reins from me. I didn’t know what to stare at, so I looked down at my hands, hoping my heart wouldn’t jump out from the force it was using to beat against my ribcage. I was glad to have the Lord’s winter coat, but now he was also looming behind me with his warmth, and his hands that were stretched forward to hold on to the reins felt like they were wrapped around me in a shielding manner.
   My eyes shut close when the horse started moving even faster when the Lord used the reins in a whipping manner. He bucked his legs against the horse’s side again, and the yellow beast ran faster. The sound of its trotting feet and Tory’s barks feeling the dry cold air that felt like little splinters against my skin as we zoomed past.
   “You should open your eyes. You’ll never learn that way.” The warmth of his breath classed with the coolness of my ear. I gasped as my eyes peeled up to look at the forest moving past me in speed. The greens of the trees had merged into a flash of color, and the sight of Tory in front of us was nothing more than a tiny brown dot in the distance.
   After a while, the horse slowed down, galloping until it reached the small stream in the distance. When it finally stopped, I was breathing through my mouth, and my eyes were wide as I looked around the space. Troy was at the stream bed, lapping water.
   I turned when I felt the Lord slip off the horse. He looked up at me with a smile after dusting his coat. He had taken down his hood. “Come down, or have you been scared to your wits that you can’t move?” his laughter rang through in the space. After a while of staring at him in bewilderment, I started laughing. The Lord seemed shocked, but a smile crawled up his lips before he took a step forward and reached his hand out to me. I took it, climbing down the horse before watching the Lord walk the horse to a tree. He tied the lease to a branch, before joining me and Tory at the riverbed.
   “I’m not sure I learned anything today, sir,” I laughed, thinking about how I had my eyes closed for most of the journey.
   “It’s okay, we’re trying to get you comfortable on the horse first. Mouthing, check,” he said, pulling a water bottle from the small bag he had strapped to the horse. He drank from it before stretching it out to me, but I raised a hand, waving his offer off.
   “I can drink at the stream,” I insisted. He rose a brow at me, shrugging his shoulders before putting his bottle away.
   That was one thing about the Lord that still threw me off the loop. Even when I worked with my mother at petty bourgeoisie households, they wouldn’t let servants use their utensils or even exist in the same rooms as them. The fact Lord Evenus kept insisting I used things that belonged to him confused me.
   I drank from the stream and gave Troy the pats he demanded.
   The Lord came up to me, making Troy head over to him. “So, what do you think so far?”
   “About the riding,” he clarified.
   “I don’t think I’ll learn fast enough,” I admitted, and he laughed. He seemed to think about it for a while before reaching out to touch my face with his hand. I froze, hugging myself as my lips parted.
   “You were acting like a woman up there. Do you know that?” Evenus asked, chuckling. I didn’t say anything in response. My throat was clogged. Sure, that was a jab you gave to men from time to time—to say that they were a woman, but I would give anything to be a woman now. I would give anything not to feel dirty and sinful when my mind thought about men beyond the boundaries that I set for myself.
   “Manfred?”
   “Yes, my Lord.” My words came out in a croak, and I could barely breathe.
   “Do you know that there are men that love men like men are supposed to love women?” I stayed quiet. “Men, that want to embrace and care for other men?”
   The sound of my heart beating was starting to ring in my ears. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted the lord to take his hand from my face, but I also wanted him to embrace me—love me like he should love a woman.
   This is not normal. I told myself, casting my gaze to the ground as the Lord took his hand away from my cheek to push back my hair. Disgust at myself started to overwhelm me. I wanted to reap the coat I had on from me. His looming smell and deep-set eyes were overwhelming, and they clawed for memories I’d subsided for years. Thoughts of my childhood friend, Alister, lingered in my mind. The memory of what happened to him made my mind grow faint and my feet feel weak. I remembered him telling me these exact words. I remembered him trying to justify our sin. Love wasn’t sinful, no. You fall in love with people’s souls, and I just happen to fall in love with the souls of men. Indulgence in the flesh was the problem, and I was happy to love men from afar—
   “We should be going, it’s dark,” the Lord muttered, letting go of me before stepping away. “I shouldn’t tease you,” He said making his way to the horse. Troy followed him, wagging his tail. I heaved, feeling my lungs fill up with air. I had been holding my breath without thinking, and now my heart was running, and my hands were sweating despite the cold. I walked to the horse and got on it with the Lord. The ride home was quiet and slow. I tried to drown the memories in my head by shutting my eyes tight, but the memory of Alister lingered. Pricking my conscience all through the ride home.
   Partaking in the flesh was a sin, and he had paid for his wrongs and mine.Â
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