Behind The Limelight 36: How To Shut Someone Up

“What?” Ashton snapped, his eyes widening at Ryker’s words.

“Yes,” was all Ryker said.

“You’re crazy…” Ashton whispered.

“Yes,” Ryker continued. “For you.”

“No. You’re just crazy. Period.” Ashton was looking at the other man as if he had suddenly grown two heads. “Are you saying you have…feelings for me? Like romantic feelings?”

“I might be crazy but you’re stupid,” Ryker muttered. “Yes, Ash, that’s what being head over heels for someone typically means.”

“Don’t be an asshole when you’re confessing your undying love for me!” Ashton exclaimed with a light huff, making Ryker grin. “How can you? I mean, how is this possible? Since when?”

“Remember that time I was at your house for the weekend—”

“That was all the time—”

“Just shut up and listen, dickhead,” Ryker cut him off. “You had to go with your parents to Italy but you faked being sick because you wanted to spend the weekend with me instead. And I had my exams soon so all I did was study and you just sat most of the time watching me or doing your own thing.”

“I remember that,” Ashton recalled.

“You didn’t go to Milan and sat at home wasting time and when I asked you why…when I asked you why you said you would rather sit and do nothing with me than be with anybody else,” Ryker said with a soft smile. “That was the moment I knew. If I had to make that choice then I would’ve done the same and that was how I knew that I fucking loved you.”

“Love?” Ashton’s voice was barely audible.

“Yes, Ash. Love,” Ryker repeated, firmly.

“But— how— I mean—” Ashton stumbled on his words, not knowing what to say to his fellow actor. “That was what? When we were fifteen? Sixteen? Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“I was confused. And scared. It was a different time and I was having trouble dealing with the fact that I liked you, a man, and on top of that a man that was my best friend,” Ryker explained. “The last thing I wanted was to confess and push you away. I would rather have you as a friend than have you hate me.”

“Ryker,” Ashton pressed his lips in a thin line as he spoke. “I never would’ve hated you for that.”

“But you ended up hating me anyway, so I guess maybe I should’ve confessed after all,” Ryker said, a painful smile on his face. Ashton couldn’t help but mirror the sadness. He couldn’t imagine having to keep your feelings hidden for so long. What a terrible burden.

“By the time I came to terms with my sexuality and my feelings for you, shit had already gone downhill. I never got the chance to be upfront with you,” Ryker paused, looking down. “When I left acting to go to Asia, I wasn’t planning on coming back.”

“Why did you?” Ashton questioned, frowning.

“I tried to forget you. I tried to forget about us but I couldn’t, no matter how many efforts I made,” Ryker sighed. “I just couldn’t get you out of my head, let alone my heart. I knew I had to make things right with you. That was why I came back. For you.”

“Is that why you took up this role? For me?” Ashton asked, making Ryker nod.

“You wouldn’t catch me dead working in a rom-com otherwise,” Ryker answered with a bitter chuckle. “I heard that you were auditioning and that it had two male leads so…I saw the opportunity and I took it.”

“Wow,” Ashton had nothing else to say. He was left speechless.

“I know I’ve hurt you a lot, it might sound stupid and I don’t want to make excuses for my actions, I take full responsibility for them but please believe me when I say that I never intended to cause you any pain,” Ryker’s voice held a certain vulnerability that Ashton couldn’t dismiss. “That’s the thing I dread the most.”

“This is all too much,” Ashton mumbled, looking away.

The very last thing that Ashton was expecting today, or any day to be fair, was to hear Ryker say the things that he did. Ashton had been fighting with his own contradictory feelings, a struggle that was making him lose his mind and now he had Ryker’s words to think about too.

It was confusing. A whirlwind of conflicting feelings that was making his mind spiral.

One part of Ashton believed Ryker. He could see the sincerity on Ryker’s face, he may be a good actor but he was not good enough to fake that. He could hear it in his voice too, the pain, the sadness, the longing, the depth of his emotions…

The other part, however, failed to accept that Ryker could love him. But that wasn’t because Ashton felt that Ryker was lying, but because Ashton couldn’t see what Ryker saw in him. He couldn’t comprehend why Ryker, or anybody for that matter, would and could love him.

Ashton was a mess. He was a goddamn train wreck. When he wasn’t impulsive or rude, he was a ball of anxiety. He could be thoughtless and brash and stubborn and brusque.

He didn’t deserve to be loved. He wasn’t good enough. He had never been good enough. So how could Ryker love him?

It was easier to accept it when Ryker betrayed him. When he went behind his back. Because Ashton felt more deserving of Ryker’s hate than his love.

Even though Ryker’s words reached his heart, a touch so soft and tender, he simply couldn’t understand why and how Ryker could love him. What could Ryker possibly see in him? Someone who was filled with insecurities and doubts about his own worth. Someone trapped in a web of self-doubt, always second guessing himself.

Ashton’s heart ached with the fear of his vulnerabilities, but at the same time it longed for the love that Ryker was offering.

Ashton would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t miss Ryker. He had convinced himself that he didn’t, but he had spent plenty sleepless nights reminiscing about the old days. Ryker was the best part of his life. His only true friend, his safe haven. When he lost Ryker, he lost a piece of himself. A huge piece. And he had never been able to fill it. He simply couldn’t.

Did he love Ryker? Romantically? Ashton didn’t know. It was too complicated and his head was starting to hurt from thinking about everything. His internal battle was raging, and Ashton wasn’t anywhere near in finding the clarity that he was desperate for.

“I know,” Ryker replied. “It’s a lot and I don’t expect you to reciprocate. I’m sorry for— for barfing my feelings on—”

“Barfing your feelings on me? Seriously? Barfing?” Ashton couldn’t help but chuckle. “You couldn’t think of another word?”

“Shut up,” Ryker muttered. “You get what I’m trying to say. I didn’t mean to…unload all of this on you. But it just came out.”

“Like a barf.”

“Exactly.”

“You’re an idiot,” Ashton commented.

“Yeah, yeah whatever,” Ryker retorted. “My point is that you don’t need to ever respond to what I said. I don’t expect you to return my feelings and it’s completely fine that you don’t.”

“Seriously?” Ashton rose a questioning brow. “You’d be okay with that?”

“I’ve already pretty much accepted it,” Ryker shrugged lightly. “That’s kinda what happens when you have unrequited feelings for years.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t mean to guilt you or anything, jesus fuck I’m bad with words,” Ryker groaned. “Look, I like you and shit, you don’t and that’s cool. Things don’t need to be awkward between us. We can just go back to how it used to be.”

“Uh huh,” Ashton nodded, turning so that he was facing the road. Ryker did the same as he put on his seatbelt.

“Yep. You can even sleep in the guest room, if you want. If you’re uncomfortable or something. I don’t mind,” Ryker spoke, starting the car.

“Nah,” Ashton replied, his voice casual. “I like the mattress in your room more.”

“But it’s the same matt—” Ryker cleared his throat, nodding firmly. “Yeah sure. You can sleep with me.”

“Cool.”

The two spent the next few minutes in silence, until Ryker turned on the Bluetooth speaker.

“Seriously? A podcast? Again?” Ashton scoffed.

“It’s on early human civilizations!”

“Fine. Play it,” Ashton grumbled, folding his arms in front of his chest, making Ryker grin.

The journey back home felt short. Too short. Between podcasts and mindless bickering, the two men reached Ryker’s house. They were busy arguing about what to eat for dinner as they entered through the door, carrying their bags up to Ryker’s bedroom.

“—I really don’t care for peanuts in savory food!”

“How can you not like Thai? What are you? An uncultured imbecile?” Ryker replied.

“I’m not! I’m just in the mood for some mediterranean food tonight,” Ashton said.

“Fine, but next time we’re getting something I want,” Ryker added.

“The next time we’re getting Indian, and after that we can get whatever the fuck you want,” Ashton argued.

“Alright,” Ryker muttered. “Only because I like Indian food.”

“Oh. If that’s the case then we’ll get Indian next time, and whatever I want after that.”

“But you—”

“Ssh.”

“That’s not—”

“Shut up, Ry,” Ashton cut him off.

“If you want me to stop talking so bad then why don’t you shut me up yourself, huh?” Ryker challenged, a sly smirk on his lips as he stared at Ashton, who was certainly caught off-guard by Ryker’s change in demeanor.

Ashton’s surprise didn’t last long as he took a step towards Ryker. Then another. And then another. Until they were only a few inches away.

“There are two ways in which I can shut you up, you know,” Ashton said softly, his eyes glancing at Ryker’s lips momentarily.

“Oh yeah?” Ryker’s voice was equally low. “What are they?”

Ashton replied by leaning forward, pressing his lips against Ryker’s ever so gently. Just a ghost of a kiss.

“You tease,” Ryker whispered. “What’s the other way?”

“Are you sure you want to know?” Ashton smirked as he grabbed hold of Ryker’s hand, placing it on top of his crotch so that Ryker could feel his hardness.

“I do,” Ryker nodded, his breath slightly heavy.

“Well,” Ashton paused. “Kneel down, then.”

***

Ashton’s parents really did a number on him, huh?

sorry for the late update! I’m currently on vacation