Broken Âœ“ (Boyxboy) Broken | 14

Check out the song above ^^

———

Once I was outside I ran to my car, pulling my keys out of my pocket and quickly unlocking it. I slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine, then whipped out of the parking lot and onto the open road.

I cranked my music up so loud that it hurt my ears, but it was enough to drown out my own thoughts, which is exactly what I needed in that moment.

I really didn’t wanna go home and face Aunt Tammy. If I did, I would probably just lash out on her, even though none of this was her fault.

It was my dad’s fault.

Everything that happened that night was his fault. He got so angry, I didn’t know what he was gonna do. And I don’t care how angry you are, you don’t ever place your hands on my mother. Ever.

As soon as he did that, I was so peeved that I couldn’t control my anger. Why did he hit her when I was the one that had come out as gay? It’s not like it was her fault her son was a faggot. She couldn’t control my sexuality.

I eventually stepped in and took the hits for her, unable to continue seeing my mom get hurt for something that wasn’t her fault. The beatings continued for a while after that, and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore.

My skin was so bruised that it was hard to see the places that weren’t black and blue. So one night, I gathered up a bunch of my pills, seeing that I was on antidepressants and some other stuff at the time.

I took them all at once and downed as many as I could, passing out not long after. I can’t remember who it was that found me, lying on the floor with two pill bottles laying next to me. I was rushed to the hospital immediately, not waking up until about a day later when I was stable.

That was when I heard my parents talking about sending me to live with my aunt, since they obviously couldn’t take care of me properly. I stayed in the hospital for a couple days after that, staying on the 3rd floor.

Not long after that I was sent to live with Aunt Tammy, which was my current situation. The thing I hated the most about this entire situation was the fact that Dad acted like he still cared about me.

And that was total bullshit.

I don’t think he ever cared about me in my entire 17 years of living with the bastard. I’d always been closer with my mom, but now, I wasn’t close with anyone. That was partly why I felt alone.

I mean, I had Aunt Tammy, but she was kind of a bitch, and I don’t prefer to be around her for that reason.

I had Ty, he was pretty cool, but not really someone I’d wanna share all my feelings with. He was more like a friend to hang and joke around with, not someone I’d wanna tell about my personal baggage.

There was Hadley, she seemed pretty nice. But once again, not someone I’d wanna share my feelings with. I just wasn’t close enough with her or Ty.

Then there was Grayson.

I didn’t know him well, but he still felt like the person I was closest to. I didn’t know why, either. You’d think I would be closer with my aunt, but I felt closer to Grayson than anyone. And yet, even though I felt close to him, I knew I would shut him out and not tell him anything.

That was just the way I was. I didn’t like to express my feelings with people, I was a closed off person and it was hard to get through the walls I had up, protecting the thing I was most vulnerable with; My emotions.

I hated dealing with emotions because they made me weak. So I was closed off when it came to that, I mainly just kept up a sarcastic attitude to seem like I was fine. But I always felt empty inside.

That’s when I came to the conclusion that I was simply broken beyond repair. How could you let it get that bad you might ask? Well, it happens when you get a shitty parent that wants nothing to with you, then you go from there.

My dad didn’t care for me and my mom couldn’t do anything about it. And trust me, it sucks when you dad hates you, I would know.

It seemed that my dad hated me with a passion, either because I was gay or other reasons, but it didn’t really matter why her hated me, it just mattered that he did.

That’s the worst feeling a kid can have. The feeling of knowing that you’re nothing more than a disappointment.

And that’s exactly what I was.

A mere disappointment to my parents, more importantly, my dad. From the start we were never really close, I was always close with my mom and told her about everything that went on in my life.

Sure, I was a little boyish, I knew how to play basketball, I wore boys clothes, all that. But when it came down to it, I was nowhere near the man that my dad wanted me to be.

I was fine like that, but he thought of me as a disappointment, and I knew it. He’d probably thought that I was gay from the start—but when I actually came out—that was his breaking point.

At first, I tried to act like it didn’t bother me, but deep down, I knew it did. Think about it; if you were a kid, a 17 year old kid, that was a disappointment to your father. That was the definition of my childhood.

My mom was happy with the way I turned out, she loved me as much as a mother loves her child, but I couldn’t remember the last time my dad has said those simple three words; I love you. If that wasn’t sad, I didn’t know what was.

There was nothing worse than knowing that your own father is disappointed in you. I lived with that everyday, until I was finally pushed over the edge during one of the beatings. Once the beating was over, I swallowed down some pills.

That was my third attempt at ending my life. The third. As much as I acted like my relationship with my parents didn’t bother me, it did. There’s nothing worse than knowing that your own father doesn’t love you.

And I knew that he didn’t love me, which is exactly why I’d attempted suicide for the third time. It was just that bad. I don’t care how bad of a person you are, no one deserves a childhood like that, or to be raised in a broken home.

But that’s how my childhood was, filled with disappointment and nights of crying myself to sleep to the point that my eyes were burning because there weren’t any tears left. It doesn’t get much worse than that. It doesn’t get any worse than being broken.

———————————

Kind of a depressing chapter but yeah, I’m not a very happy camper atm, so I hope you enjoyed. Make sure to vote and comment. 👍❤