Falling | Mxm (Completed) Chapter 94

Edited

He couldn’t figure it out. No matter how hard he forced his brain to think of a solution, a way that could guarantee he wouldn’t go berserk again, he couldn’t find any. If he had done it once, there was always a very good chance he’d do it again.

He knew he was fucked up in the head. He knew it very well, although his own psychiatrist lover and his close friends always tried to make him believe otherwise. After all, he had done whatever there was to do. Drugs, alcohol, crime, creating this Hector guy, being a fuckboy, attempting to end himself, hurting other people’s emotions intentionally or unintentionally. But this, hurting Edwin, was the cherry on top. It was a line that should have never been crossed. And now there was nothing he could do to undo it.

It didn’t matter if Edwin had forgiven him or if he didn’t think it was his fault. Because it was. He had done it. He couldn’t remember what that maniac made him do for him to lose it like that, but it didn’t really matter. He had done something so terrible, he could never look his perfect Edwin in the eye ever again.

His heart was aching so badly and he felt dizzy. But he couldn’t stay. He couldn’t misuse the beautiful boy’s affection and love for himself. There was no way that deep down Edwin wasn’t actually hurt by the whole thing. He still remembered asking him what the small scar on his cheek was, and the younger had laughed it off nervously, saying he had hit the wall while walking sleepily. He knew he was lying, but didn’t push it. He should’ve pushed it. He should’ve made him say it out loud and yell at him for what he’d done. Edwin should’ve thrown him out of his life. Instead, he embraced him so warmly and never even mentioned it.

He felt like dying. What was life without Edwin? Nothing. Simply nothing. He wished his heart would give out and that he would just drop dead right on the spot. Death always seemed like a good end to all the suffering and the problems.

He got in a taxi as soon as he got out of the building. The driver asked him the destination, but he just told him to drive far away.

‘Are you okay, Mr. Evans? Is something the matter?’ The old driver asked, looking at him with worry through the rearview mirror.

He looked back at the man. ‘I lost everything.’

The old man did exactly as he was asked. He drove far, far away until they were by the sea, in the town he had grown up. At the place he and Edwin had confessed to each other at last.

‘My mother lives here. She cooks deliciously. Why don’t we go there so you can relax a bit and enjoy a good meal?’

He didn’t understand why this old man was so kind to him. He was as old as his grandfather when he was but a kid and was abused by their harsh words every day. He didn’t have anywhere else to go or anything to do, so he nodded, not really able to function. And that was how they ended up in a very old grandmother’s house. The lady must have been around 90-something, but she was really active and energetic for her age.

‘Oh my! You’re very handsome, my boy! Come in. Come in.’ The old lady welcomed them kindly.

He sat on the porch, looking at the dogs and hens going around as he leaned his head and body on the pillar next to him.

“Here. Drink this. It helps you calm down.” The old man said as he handed him a cup of… some kind of tea? He didn’t care. They could poison him and do whatever they wanted with him. He just didn’t care anymore. After all, there was no explanation for the kind way they were treating him. They must have wanted something in return. People always wanted something in return. Everyone except for his Edwin. He never wanted anything and just continuously gave him his all.

Biting down hard on his bottom lip, he took the cup and drank it all in one go. It was really hot, and it burned his throat, but it didn’t matter. He deserved all the pain there was in the universe for having done such a terrible thing.

His phone started vibrating again. It had just stopped for maybe 15 minutes. He couldn’t dare to pick up. He didn’t know what to say to the beautiful boy that was calling him nonstop.

Taking the device out of his pocket, he looked at the screen. ‘Bluewin’ and a picture of the ethereal boy was showing on it.

“Don’t you wanna pick it up? He must be really worried.” The man said with a gentle tone.

“I… can’t. It’s better this way.” He said quietly and put the phone on the ground next to him.

“Better for who? For you?”

He shook his head slowly. “For him.”

There was a silence surrounding them for a few minutes. Only the sound of the animals breaking it.

“I don’t know what happened. But from what I see, your phone hasn’t stopped ringing the whole time. Maybe you should let him decide what’s better for him.” The old man said while petting one of the dogs.

Aiden kept looking at him. And the area. It looked peaceful. They were in the same town but this house was so so calm, unlike the one he had grown up in just a couple of streets away.

“Help me set the table, my boy. I cooked you many delicious things.” The grandma said as he gestured for him to follow her inside the house. “Why are you sitting out there in this weather!”

Without saying a word, he set the table together with the man and sat behind the small traditional Asian table on the ground.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Start eating! You look like you could faint any second.” The lady pushed the spoon in his hand.

Aiden nodded as he picked a piece of meat, but he just couldn’t bring himself to eat. His stomach was aching like crazy and he felt like vomiting. There was no way he could down anything. He put the spoon on the table slowly.

“What? You don’t like this? You should’ve told me what you like, then I would’ve made you that.” The grandmother said.

It was getting on his nerves. The driver taking him to his mother’s house and this lady just treating him like his own out of nowhere.

“You don’t need to do this.” He said as he kept looking down at his hand on the table.

“Do what?” The lady asked.

“This. Cooking me food and being nice. Why are you even being nice to me?” He pointed at the pile of food on the table as he spoke a bit harshly, letting out all the frustration in his chest.

The grandmother and his son were both quite shocked at his outburst. The old lady smiled warmly as she put her wrinkly hand on his and squeezed it a bit.

“Being nice doesn’t need a reason. My son brought you here and I know him. He is a good person, so you should be a good person too. And you look sad. So even if you don’t have an appetite, eat. People always think better with a full stomach.” She said and put a bowl of soup in front of him. “Go on.”

Chewing on his bottom lip, he ignored his phone that was still vibrating nonstop and picked the spoon back up. But he couldn’t even manage to put it in his mouth when he suddenly broke down again, and the tears started falling once more. It was the first time he was crying in front of people he didn’t know like this.

‘Crying is for the weak. Men should never cry.’

His grandfather’s voice rang in his ear. He told him that once he started crying because he was told some cruel thing about being such a burden yet again. Back then, he wasn’t even allowed to cry as he liked.

“Oh, my poor boy. What’s wrong? Come here.” The old lady said as she slid closer, wrapped her thin arms around him tightly, and started patting his back. She guided his head to her chest and caressed his hair softly.

Aiden couldn’t help it. He was sobbing loudly like a baby. He wrapped his arms around hers as he hid his face in the fabric of her blouse.

“Cry, my boy. Let it all out.” And just like that, it was like the door that he had locked for many, many years finally opened and all the pain and the hurt was let out. He couldn’t tell for how long he kept on crying and soaking the other’s clothes in his endless tears.

“What am I supposed to do now? I left without even saying goodbye. How am I supposed to live from now on? I can’t even breathe without him.” He said between his breathless sobs and realized a second too late that he had basically told the old lady that he was in love with a man. The shock made him stop crying for a moment, ready to be pushed away.

But to his surprise, the other didn’t react in any way and only caressed him with more passion. “You love him a lot, don’t you?”

“He’s my other half. He’s my everything.” He sniffled. “I… I only felt completely alive since he came into my life. Without him, I’m as good as dead.”

“Well, he clearly loves you just as much. Just look at how he hasn’t given up on calling you. He must be worried sick.” The old woman said as she wiped his tears with the scarf around her neck.

“He does. He loves me, but I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve any of the things he does for me. And he has done a lot.” He shook his head as he leaned back, sat properly, and tried to finally get himself together. He wasn’t supposed to be this open with people he didn’t know. They could always use it against him in so many ways. But for some unknown reason, he really felt in place there.

The lady patted her leg. “Put your head here.”

Aiden’s eyes widened as he looked back and forth between her face and her hand that was on her thigh. She wanted him to lay his head on her lap? But why?!

The other must’ve read his expression as she tilted her head. “Why? You never laid on your grandmother’s lap before?”

“My family weren’t exactly the loving type.” He murmured and leaned down.

She smelled like exactly how old people smelled, but there was some warmth to it. It was strange, but as soon as the old lady’s fingers started brushing through his hair, it was like he was shot with those things they used to inject him back at the hospital, the ones that calmed him down immediately. Aiden exhaled and closed his eyes, basking in the affection the grandmother was gifting him with.

“There are times people do regretful things to their loved ones. Things they can’t forgive themselves for. But you should always consider the person you hurt in the first place as well. Wouldn’t it hurt him more if you disappeared on him like this now? If he is willing to forgive, maybe you are worthy of that second chance and the love he gives you. It’s the first time I see you and it’s true that we don’t know each other, but I’ve been around for 94 years now. I can tell what people are like with the look they have in their eyes. And you, my handsome boy, I can tell that your heart is broken. I bet you are strong. But there are days that one gets broken beyond repair. When you feel the hurt to the very core of your soul. But what matters is how you put the broken pieces back together. I don’t know what you did, but leaving like this will only break him again. He will be left thinking you didn’t love him enough to try and overcome the hardness.” She said quietly as she continued caressing his hair. “You know, my husband, I loved him more than anyone else. And he loved me too. Our love was the talk of this whole village. After we got married, when we had our third child, he lost his job. He was having a hard time. One night he got really drunk and he beat me up really bad. The next day, when I woke up, he wasn’t there anymore. He only left a letter, saying he was sorry and that he can’t look me or the kids in the eye anymore. He sent money for us until the day he died. And then, when we had to go collect his things from the house he had rented, the pictures of the whole family were everywhere. I heard from one of his friends later that he always kept talking about how he loved us and how terribly he was missing us.” She paused and squeezed Aiden’s forearm. “Go back to him. If you are sorry, go back to him and shower him with all of your love and affection until the day you die. Don’t let the both of you suffer like this. You’ll only regret it at the moment the angel is coming to take you. Don’t live a life of regrets and what-ifs.”

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They were on their way back to the city. The old man, trying to lift his mood, told him his daughter and son were both his fans and that he knew basically everything the fans knew because they were always talking about him. He even knew Edwin and told him he was lucky to have such a handsome boyfriend.

‘Here. Mom said to give you these so you can eat them together with Edwin later.’

Aiden took the many containers of food, being utterly speechless by the unconditional love.

‘Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you back to your place?’

The answer was obviously a yes. He was sure that he was still not ready to accept the risks. And that was how he ended up in front of Brad’s door at 11 pm. He was the only one who wouldn’t attack him with a million questions.

“You look like shit.” Brad said as he gave him a beer can that he took and placed on the table. It wasn’t like he was able to drink it, anyway.

The older sat down next to him and sipped on his own drink quietly.

“Have you talked to him?” He asked after a long silence.

Brad hummed and took another sip without looking at him. He was upset. It was really rare to see him upset.

“How is he?” Aiden asked, fiddling with his shirt.

“How do you expect him to be?” Brad looked at him for a few seconds with a raised eyebrow before looking away again. “What you did wasn’t cool, man. You fucked up real big this time. I hope you have plans on how to make it up to him.” He paused. “He searched the entire city, Aiden. Every corner, every station, every hospital. Ian had to literally drag him back home.” He emptied his can and threw it into the bin across the living room successfully.

“I don’t.” Aiden whispered and threw his head back, staring at the ceiling that was designed with crystals.

“Hm?” Brad looked at him, puzzled.

“I don’t have a plan on how to make it up to him. I don’t even know if I should go back or just leave. He deserves to be with someone better. Someone who never hurts him.” His stomach pulsed again, screaming at him for the nth time, but he ignored it once more. The only thing he did was to put his palm on it subconsciously.

“There is no such thing as a relationship without getting hurt. Sure, what happened was extreme, but it doesn’t mean you two are over. He is in pain, Den. If you don’t make it up to him, I don’t wanna be your friend anymore. Edwin doesn’t deserve this. Not after everything.” Brad said before leaving him all alone in his gigantic living room. He must’ve fucked up really badly this time for even Brad to say that.

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It had been around three hours now since they got the message from Brad, saying Aiden was at his place. Edwin had stared at his phone for a long time, longer than normal, and then locked it, threw it away, and lay down on the couch while wrapping the blankets tighter around himself and quite visibly trembling at how cold he was despite the temperature being okay.

But after three hours, he suddenly jumped up without a warning, startling Ian as he was half asleep by the couch.

“Where are you going?” He asked as he stood up and followed Edwin, who was going toward the entrance.

“To Brad’s.” The younger said with a flat expression.

He didn’t make it even to the hallway when the digits sounded in the apartment and the door opened. Edwin stood on his track as he stared at the figure that had just come inside.

It was Aiden. He looked like he had lost weight in those hours he had been away. Ian, knowing that things would get personal, squeezed Edwin’s shoulder and left without as much of a glance toward the singer.

Aiden didn’t dare to look into his boyfriend’s eyes. The only thing he let himself do was take his shoes off and take a few steps toward the taller.

Edwin stood there, looking at him as his chest rose and fell, breathing heavily.

After long minutes, the younger closed the distance between them and stood right in front of him.

“Look up.” He said with a demanding tone, so unlike the way he had talked to him until then.

Aiden slowly lifted his head and hesitantly looked into those big eyes. As soon as their eyes met, Edwin slapped him hard. The sound echoed through the otherwise silent apartment. Aiden didn’t let the pain show and looked back at the other again after a couple of seconds. Another slap. He had no idea Edwin was capable of such strength. The skin of his cheek was on fire. But of course, he deserved them and more.

“You can’t leave me, you hear me? You’re not allowed to leave me.” Edwin said, teary eyes jumping from his left eye to his right. “I don’t care about you and Lili’s philosophy on how no one belongs to anyone, you are mine.” His bottom lip was trembling. “And I am yours. I will fucking rip you apart if you do this ever again. Got it?” A tear rolled down on his blushed cheek due to the frustration.

Aiden was staring at him with widened eyes and parted lips. He couldn’t bear the sight. Edwin was beyond devastated. He was trembling badly, and the look on his face was just of pure helplessness. Once again, he had made his beautiful boy miserable.

“GOT IT?” The younger yelled and Aiden flinched as his eyes grew wider and he nodded rapidly.

“Good.” Edwin said firmly before he pulled him in and smashed their lips together.

Aiden’s hands circled around the younger’s waist automatically, but it took him a few seconds to register what was happening and kissing back. He could feel the heat that was coming off of Edwin’s body. He was really hot.

The kiss didn’t last more than 10 seconds as Aiden leaned back with a bit of struggle because Edwin was holding onto him very tightly. He placed his palm on the younger’s forehead and cheeks.

“Baby, you’re burning.” He said quietly and cursed himself a million times in his head for all the shit he had put his beautiful lover through that day and literally making him sick like this.

“Promise me. Promise me you won’t leave. I can’t live without you. I don’t care about what you did. It healed. I’m okay now. Promise me…” Edwin’s voice broke as the tears kept rolling down. His eyes were extremely sad.

“I won’t. I promise I’ll always be by your side. Always.” Aiden said and wiped the tears with his thumbs. “But you should promise me back. If I ever lose my mind like that again, you should stop me. Stab me or whatever, I don’t care. Never, NEVER, let me do something like that to you ever again, Edwin. Okay?” He said as he held his tears back.

The taller, who ironically looked so small at that moment, sniffled a couple of times before slowly nodding. Aiden wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly. Edwin hugged him back immediately and buried his head in Aiden’s neck as he sobbed loudly and clutched onto the older’s shirt for dear life.

“I-” He coughed between the sobs. “I was so scared. I thought- I thought you really left me, Den. I thought I lost you. I-“

“I was only away for less than a day, but that was more than a lifetime to me. I realized I can never be away from you. I wanted to kill myself the minute I walked out of here because without you by my side, everything is meaningless.” He caressed the blue hair he loved so much and inhaled his boyfriend’s scent. “You are my whole world, Edwin. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for all of this. I’m such a mess and I make your life a mess too. I’d stay away if I could, but… I can’t. I simply love you too much. I’m sorry for what I did, baby. I’m so fucking sorry.” Aiden bit hard on his lip not to break into tears again. He couldn’t. Not when Edwin was shaking in his arms like that.

“Don’t say that. You made my life beautiful.” The younger leaned back a bit and looked into his eyes. “I know we have our ups and downs, but I love every second I spend with you. I don’t regret anything. I knew what I signed up for, Aiden. Don’t think you’re a burden to me. You’re not. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He said as his delicate long fingers brushed over Aiden’s cheek that was probably red due to the two hard slaps.

Edwin leaned in and pressed a kiss on the irritated skin, keeping the contact for a few seconds.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me as well.” He whispered into his small ear.

When Edwin leaned back again, Aiden noticed beads of sweat forming on the younger’s face.

“Let’s get you to bed, baby. You’re having a fever.” He led them to the bedroom and helped Edwin change into his pajamas before tucking him under two blankets. He stood up to go get a bowl of water and towels and some medicine when Edwin’s hand stopped him as he took his wrist.

“Where are you going?” He asked with an exhausted voice. He was sweating like crazy and his eyes were half-lidded. His skin was really pale for his usual tone and he was panting.

“I’m getting towels and pills. I promised, Edwin. I’m not going anywhere.”

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The night was long. Edwin’s fever was at 38.9, and he had to force so much juice down his throat between the times he changed the towels. It was obvious that the younger was fighting with his body not to fall asleep, scared that he would disappear if he did, but his brain and the pills put him to sleep nevertheless only for Aiden to force him up again.

It was around 7 AM when his fever was finally gone, and he had stopped sweating. The older had to make him sit up as he changed Edwin’s wet clothes two times. Now that he was finally back to a normal temperature and sleeping soundly, Aiden let himself fall next to his blue-haired beauty on the bed and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close in his embrace.

He could never forget this, nor could he forgive himself. But he was going to make sure to remind his lover that he must stop him in case of that situation happening again. He was going to make sure that Edwin understood what it meant. He was serious when he said he had to be stopped, even if it meant he would be stabbed. With a last kiss on Edwin’s forehead, he closed his eyes and let the darkness take over him, wishing he’d have a peaceful sleep with no dreams.

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He didn’t know what time it was. Only that he felt something moving along his forehead and then his nose and lips. Opening his eyes, Aiden saw Edwin’s ethereal face in front of him as he was sliding his index finger on his face gently.

“Hey.” The gorgeous boy said, smiling warmly.

“You’re so beautiful.” Aiden said as he, once again, was overwhelmed by what he saw.

Edwin chuckled and rubbed his head on his chest repeatedly, making his own hair messier than it already was. It tickled, so he wrapped his arms tighter around his boyfriend and pulled him flush against his bare chest, making him stop the movement.

They fell into a comfortable silence as Edwin pressed kisses on his skin.

“I met a grandma yesterday. She was really lovely. She told me to bring you to her so that she can make us food. She actually gave me the food she made yesterday to eat together with you, but I forgot them at Brad’s place. He probably ate them all by now.” They both laughed at the mention of the oldest’s appetite.

“How did you end up at a grandma’s house?!” Edwin asked as he looked up at him, cheek pressed against his chest and his fingers drawing patterns on his forearm.

Aiden told him all about the day before. The old man and his kids, the dogs and hens, the grandma and the things she had told him; her being the main reason he decided to come back and not jump off some bridge.

“I really feel the need to meet her. I have to thank her for giving you back to me.” Edwin said after listening to it all quietly.

“We’ll go there after the tour, hm?” Aiden said as he pecked his lips.

“Let’s get ready. I think Luis will murder both of us if we don’t show up for the practice today.”

“Ughhh~ And here I was, thinking we could just stay like this for the rest of the day…” The younger sighed deeply and sat up, ruffling his hair.

Aiden sat up after him and hugged Edwin from behind. “Eddie, I wasn’t joking. You should stop me if I-” He wasn’t able to finish his sentence when the younger’s index finger landed on his lips.

“I know. I should stab you if I have to. I got it the first time you said it. But I don’t think it’s gonna happen again.” He tilted his head to the side and kissed Aiden’s cheek. “Let’s go. Not only Luis, but also Brad will murder us.”