Jay’s POV:
He laughed!! He actually laughed! Ive never heard him laugh before but fuck me if I say it didn’t make my heart beat twice as hard and my chest to fill with delight. Fuck, I’m even in love with his laugh!
His eyes gleamed up as he gazed up at me through his hair that hung loosely and freely over his face. He only reaches just below my shoulders, but his hight fit him perfectly, just like the weak smile he offered as he slowly mended himself. I know he doesn’t believe me when I told him he’s the strongest person I know, but it’s the truth. I couldn’t help but fall into awe, he held the courage I couldn’t even fathom. He had a phobia so strong that he had a mini panic attack at just the sight of it, but he punched through it and I can’t help the pride that filled me up inside.
“I like your laugh.”I whisper gently as I stare into his mesmerising orbs. His cheeks instantly flood with that cute light blush as he tries to hide his face into my chest, an act I find infinitely cute. I chuckle at his innocent act and place a light kiss on his head.
I lead him out the bathroom back to my bedroom and let him sit on my bed as I go hunting for clothes. I really have no idea what I’m going to do about this, he’s half the size of me and I don’t have any old clothes from when I was younger, I left it all back at my previous home. Faced with this predicament I still rummage helplessly through my draws and cupboard.
I finally find a semi appropriate long leaved shirt and the smallest pair of boxers I own and some old joggers I wasn’t sure was going to fit. All the while Asher sat silently on my bed, shivering slightly from the cold, waiting but not complaining on the Ridiculous amount of time I took to get the clothes.
“This is smallest thing I could find, “I say handing the fabrics to him. He takes it with a shaky arm and offers my a pure, kind smile silently saying his thank you, still being a bit shook from what happened.
“I’m going to take a quick shower myself, your free to get some rest. You can take the bed I’m going to pull out an air bed for myself.”I offer. He still remains silent but his eyes show me his gratitude. With that I grab some clothes for myself and head for the bathroom.
The hot water hitting my skin in jets feels like heaven. Ive been in damp, cold clothes from the rain this entire time, but when I was with Asher I didn’t feel the discomfort at all, I didn’t feel the cold or the wet clothes clinging to my skin so the water on my skin feels twice as satisfactory than having a shower any other day. I quickly wash up and shampoo my hair before setting out the shower, instantly being hit with the rush of cold air against my skin sending shiver and goosebumps through me. I get changed in the bathroom into the clothes I brought with me, I don’t think Asher would be at all comfortable if I got changed in my room.
Asher’s small form lay in my bed covered in the duvet, his steady breathing telling me he was already asleep. I smile inwardly at him looking so peacefully, so free of care and worry. I don’t think I have ever seen him with out a slight sense of caution and fear, he’s always afraid, always looking over his shoulder, but now he seems so blissful that It pains me that he can only achieve that in his sleep, when he is no longer in the burdens of this reality. I want to eradicate all his fear, I want to make him feel safe again, feel free. But most of all, I wanted to find the mother fucker that did this him, caused him to be this lost, and I wanted to make them suffer, make them hurt and make sure they never touch a hair on his body ever again. I knew it was somewhat of an empty threat, that I wasn’t violent by nature like some, but this was Asher and for some reason that gave me this new wave of confidence, new wave of rage and hostility I never felt before.
I leave the room just as Lily leaves hers, catching her eye.
“How is he?”She asked timidly, her voice slightly cracked and eyes shot red. It shot a new wave of pain and guilt that I was the reason she was in this state.
“He’s doing ok, he’s sleeping right now though”I answer honestly. A vague wave of relief washes over he features, but it’s easily drowned out by concern and worry.
“Good, thats uh…..thats good……And h-how are you doing?”she finally build the courage to ask, casting her eyes down to avoid eyes contact. It pained me, that she was hurting for me, because she care.
“I-I’m, not really sure. Everything just happened so fast, mom then Asher…..I just don’t know what to even think about anymore, its just a swirl of thoughts I can’t quite grasp.” my nerves start to rise and a heavy weight suddenly tug at my heart at the truth of my position.
“I just need some time to think for a bit, but Ill be fine.”I offer her a forced smile in an attempt to make her believe my words, to make me believe my words.
“OK, Always remember that I’m hear whenever you need me or things get too much. You’ve played the role of my support and hero my whole life, especially since dad died. It’s my turn to be there for you, please promise me you’ll let me help you and tell me things so that I can protect you like you did me.”She pleads, tears rimming her eyes that she refused to let loose. Her words sent a new emotion through me, I don’t really now how I feel. I somewhat know shes right, but some part of me still held onto the fact that I have to be the one looking over my little baby sister, always see her as I did the day she was born, always keeping my promise to keep out all her problems and ensure she never feels pain like I have. Maybe thats why it feels so weird hearing her say that, because I still see her as the fragile baby she once was and not the woman she is now.
With a heavy sigh, holding back tears of my own, I pull her into a hug letting her relax slightly and let some tears finally break the barrier.
“okay, I promise to let you help. But I’m always going to be looking out for you, thats just how I am, built to be as fucking annoying as physically possible, like scaring off all the boys you talk to, or girls” I comments earning both a chuckle and a slap from my sister.
“Your an asshole.”
“for what? Wanting to protect my sister?! I don’t see that as a bad thing.”I innocently shrug my shoulders. We say our good nights and she disappeared behind her door once more, leaving me with more to ponder about.
I take my leave and head down the hall to the storage room to collect my bed and extra blankets. My minds racing with so many thoughts I don’t realise my mom had silently approached me from behind. A light tap on my shoulder breaks me free form the prison of my mind. But as soon as my eyes land on her a scowl takes place on my face, the pain she inflicted on me but physically and mentally shoots through me all over again, A fresh wound trying to repair now being ripped open and torn apart. In the dim light I fail to notice the tears the trailed down her face, or the pain and exhaustion in her eyes. I fail to catch the slight guilt that hid behind her trembling features. I fail to see any of it until I push past her out of the storage room,
“Wait Jayson!”She grabs my arm, instantly releasing me after realising what she had done. The way she used my full name just made it harder to keep it together on the inside, shes the only one who uses my full name. With my heart thumping against my rib cage, the pain in my heart burning and aching, the lump in my throat only growing and my breath shortening as panic and pure suffering swirl around my mind and feeds into my veins.
I want to be mad, I want to resent her and hate her for what she did, for turning her back on her own son in a split second like I never mattered in the first fuming place. But I don’t. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t, for once in my life I couldn’t let the rage overflow the pain….because I still love her, even if she despises me, I still care.
“please look at me,”she pleaded with a weak, trembling voice that sent more waves of pain to corse through me. She sounded different, she doesn’t have her kindness laced into it or the sternness behind it, she just sounded tired and broken. I just don’t want to be here, I just don’t want the pain, but I know it will happen eventually and I’m going to have to face her eventually. So with a shaky breath and an attempt to blink away the tears, I turn to face her.
“I-I need to talk to you, please let me explain somethings ok… please”the tears in her eyes roll down her cheeks, dragging a trail of black eyeliner with them. the lump in my throat only cases more pain in my attempt to reply, my body refusing to let out a single word. Eventually I swallow down the lump with great pain, and I can reply the question.
“I wan’t to go to bed.”the words came out a lot colder than intended, but that was the truth. I see her shatter into prices through her sky blue eyes from the rejection.
“Please! This is about Asher ok”she bargains.
“W-we can talk in the morning maybe.”I’m seconds from crumbling beneath me, seconds from letting it all go and letting the pain free to flood through me as it so desperately wanted. Seconds from finally succumbing to the truth all over again.
As a single tear finally breaks free of it’s cage despite my efforts, I can’t take it anymore, without another word I storm past her to the safe confines of my room.
As soon as the door closes behind me I feel like I can finally breath again. Resting my back against the door I slowly slide down until I’m sitting on the floor with my knees tucked into my chest. Finally looking up past my tears the first thing that catches my eye is the small twitches of the boy sleeping on the bed. I won’t break, I can’t break, I can’t just sit here and wallow about everything thats fucked up in my life. There are other people that go through so much more than me, Asher is going thoughts much worse than me. I still have no idea who is hurting him, but he still gets hurt, every time I see him he’s probably just hurting inside, he cant even talk or eat. Even now as I gaze at him I know he’s lost, distant, he thinks I don’t see the way he flinches from most touch until he realises its me or how fear is always evident in his eyes.
Asher has a demon in his life, I know that, he has a demon thats far greater than anything my pain comes in comparison to. And I’m going to have to stay strong just like he is and I’m going to destroy the demon in his life, so that I can see that beautiful smile again, so that I get to see more life in his eyes, until he’s no longer the lost boy I’ve come to know, until he’s found.
Sleep consumed me with open arms, but it didn’t last long. Asher’s weak cries wake me just a little, but as soo as his broken scream rips it’s way through my room, my eyes fly open and my heart beats ten times as fast. Disoriented in the dark room, I shoot up from my floor bed, eyes instantly catching Asher thrashing around in the bed. His eyes still closed as he continues to fight the air like it was the devil, spewing incoherent words in stutters as fear and agony pours out of him thought his wavering pleas and begs, for what I have no idea.
I rush to his side but fail to get close enough with out loosing a tooth.
“Hey, Asher! I’m gunna need you to wake up before you break my noes in your sleep…Please?”not registering the real world Asher fails to hear my words, great. Sucking a deep breath I approach him a second time. I grab his wrists gently, the dread…. the fear of hurting him nagging the back of my mind. I use my body weight to stop him from moving so much, eventually hugging him so tight, desperate to clam him down as he fights against me.
“It’s just a bad dream I swear! Just wake up, I’m right here.” I try again. His thrashing slowly calming down, but not for the reason I thought. He wasn’t waking up or calming down, he was giving up.
“P-please….n-n-no it h-hurts!! P-please s-stop.”He sobs out as he almost completely stopped moving in my arms, only left with trembling and shaking as the tears rolled down his soft cheeks. I can feel it heart against me as I hold him tighter in attempt to drive away his pain.
His heart never stopped pounding as I try to wake him up, to save him from his torture. His entire body jerks rapidly as one last scream tears out his throat and stabs my heart, his eyes flying open, diluted with fear and agony. He doesn’t register anything as his eyes dart furiously in all directions, not realising I’m holding him or that I’m even there. He looks so lost as not another tear rolls down his shell shocked face until the find mine, then, as if it all comes crashing into him in one go he lets the sobs and tear run free as he his his face in my chest,
“Shhhh, it’s ok, your ok.”I whisper as protectively wrap my arm around his head, rubbing gently circles into his hair to smooth him, letting him completely mealy into my arms.
“It’s over now, I’ve got you now and its all over.”He doesn’t respond, the only sound leaving his mouth is the soft sobs and weak breaths, his heart still hammering mercilessly against his ribs.
It takes over an hour for his heart to slowdown, his sobs to subside to small hiccups and his muscles to finally release the tension they held. He was back asleep. Signing with content and releasing some of the fear, panic and Concern of my own I slowly slip back into slumber with the warmth that the small body who fits perfectly in my arms provides.
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