Asher’s POV:
Sleep has never been easily accomplished, nor has it been an escape into a deep peaceful slumber. No, for me sleep has just been the endless torture I’m forced to experience, its claws always ready to pull me into the darkest depths of my mind and either reveal the worst pain I have ever felt over and over, or twist any dream into some twisted nightmare. Even before my mother died, before all of this happened, my sleep was still my enemy. That point is I hate it, resent it, if I could live with out it I would with out a second thought.
But for some reason this time I feel at peace. I don’t feel scared or petrified, I’m not panicking with non existent pain still coursing through me. I’m just peaceful.
Confused I force my eyes open even though they fight to stay closed, to stay at peace and bliss. And the first thing I see is the soft red material of a t-shirt, following my eyes up they come to a stop as the face of the person the t-shirt belonged to. Jay.
Anxiety and panic are quick to banish any and all bliss I felt. Screaming in fear and confusion before I have time to think, I jump back and out of his iron grip he had me, his arms were completely encasing my upper body against his and his legs tangled in mine. I don’t realise the edge of the bed is right behind me as I lunch out of his embrace, right off the bed.
But I never reach the floor.
Jays arms catch me mere inches from the ground. One arm behind my back and the other keeping both of us from going down, and his face directly above mine, so close I could feel his breath on my skin. Neither of us move, I just stare into the green orbs. This close you could see the different arrays of greens speckled in his eyes. Some green was like a forest, dark, rich and full of life. Other greens reminded me of other things, like mint ice-cream, or the Turquoise shores of the beach. His face morphes from one of fear and concern to a smile and pure love and care.
A knock on his door sent rockets of fear through me once more as I subconsciously jerk, casing him to lose his grip on the bed and sending us both the remainder of the way down.
“Hey Jay! Asher! Are you guys up? You do realise its a school day today right, are you coming or what!?”a female voice bellows from beyond the door.
“We’re going to bunk!, I don’t think its a good Idea for Asher to go to school with his ankle.”Jay replies from above me.
“But mo-……I’ll deal with mom. Anyway I left breakfast on the table for you two.”
“Thanks Lily we’ll be down in a minute.”
“ok I’ll see you after school, bye”She says before I hear her steps fade into the distance. Leaving me to realise the most awkward position we were left in.
With me laying on my back on the floor, Jay Caging me in with one arm on either side of my head keeping him from squishing me. I immediately feel the heat rise to my cheeks and the tips of my ears as I attempt to shrink into the floor.
“Why’d you shriek like you’d just seen the devil in the flesh?”he softly whispers, worry and slight pain evident in this words. As if the air had been sucked out my lungs, my mouth just opens and closes like a fish every attempt to form words, embarrassment consuming me as the events of last night come flashing through my mind, did I seriously have a nightmare in front of him? is he the reason I actually enjoyed sleep? HOLY MOTHER OF MILKY WAY WE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED!!!!
“Ok, well we should get breakfast before it gets cold.”He states when I don’t answer. He lifts himself off the ground and holds a hand out for me, and I take it with a slight hesitation he notices. Like I weighted nothing he heaves me to my one working foot in one swift movement then, with his signature smile, he sneaks a small kiss on my temple, leaving me with even more embarrassment and shock than before.
“Let’s go eat shall we.”his voice far too energetic for this time in the morning. All I can do is offer a small, weak nod, but that was enough for him as he takes my hand and wraps his arm around my waist so I won’t have to use my injured foot, taking us to the food.
The food was set out on a long dining table in the main room of this gigantic place. An array of bacon, pancakes, waffles and so much more. I haven’t had a breakfast like this since mom, I haven’t had a breakfast of any sort since mom. Jay wastes no time to fill two plates up with food and place one in front of me. To me the food looked almost intimidating, I know I can’t eat all of it, or even most of it for that matter. Jay keeps a stern gaze at my until I take the first bite of pancake and maple syrup, completely melting into the heavenly taste, then and only then dose he start eating his own food, the look of relive and content spread across his face.
I manage to eat most of a pancake, along with some fruit and half a glass of orange juice down with out throwing it all up, although I was very close to. Jays mother enters the room. Hair tied up neatly, clothes neat and ironed as her medical I.D lanyard hung loosely from around her neck and light make up. She looked almost perfectly fine, almost.
The pain was evident in her eyes,regret and guilt, in the way she cautiously takes her seat far away from Jay, in the way she refused to make any and all eye contact. The atmosphere grew thick and heavy within the second as Jay starts to quicken his pace in eating the monstrous amount of food in his plate, never even glancing in her direction, alternately looking up at me.
“You not eating any more?”he questions as he stares between me and my plate, sending anxiety throw the roof. Jay always tries to get me to eat more the I can when we’re on the school roof, problem is he really doesn’t get that I can’t physically eat that much at all, maybe he thinks I just don’t want to eat? Like I’m picky, but I’m not.
“I-I…..I, c-c-can’t”I force out as I shrink in my seat, desperately trying to escape his gaze, the fear of him being mad at me slowly surfaces.
“Ok, well could you maybe take one last bite and drink up the rest of the juice?….For me.”his expression softens as a kind smile spread across him lips. Is he giving me the puppy dog? Oh my god he’s really doing it! No, nope I cant, my stomach is going to explode! No way.
“O-ok”Seriously!!! Why does my mouth hate me so much. Although to some degree it was worth it to see his entire face light up like a lamp that had gone out as soon as his mother walked in.
“uh, Jay. C-can we talk now? “His mother asked as we were leaving the room. I could feel his body tense at his mothers words and his breathing hitch.
“You’re going to be late for work mom.”he replied in a monotone voice, still not looking at her, but I did. She looked hurt, betrayed, but just as the tears started to build in her eyes she was quick to blink them away and cover her pain.
“ok”she breaths out before turning and leaving the house. Well that was awkward. I want to ask him about it but I don’t think now would be the best time, so I keep my mouth shut.
We sit in silence back in his room, a note pad and pen in my lap. We both know about the elephant in the room, the questions he is so desperate to ask. Yet even though I know the question it still comes like a tone of bricks.
“Who hurts you?”He finally gives in and breaks to silence. Its just like Justin, that same question that turned him from my best friend to my worst enemy. That question that caused me a year and a half more pain and resentment. I don’t want that again, I don’t want to lose Jay after I just got him, I wouldn’t be able to bare him hating me as well, he’s one of the only ones who don’t hate me, don’t resent my existence because of who I am or who my father is. And now, now its all going to go down the drain with a single question, and that broke me.
“No one.“I write down, trying my best to hint that I don’t want him to know, but he just scowls like I’m the most stupid person on the planet.
“So what? You just cut your own arm? Littered yourself with bruises? Punched your own chest and grabbed your own wrist so hard its turned purple in the exact shape of a hand much larger than your own? Come on don’t give me that bullshit.”I unintentionally wince at his harsh word, a single tear slipping past my eyes. His hard gaze softens from anger to worry and slight pain.
“sorry..”he muttered kindly, wrapping my in his safe, warm arms that immediately send waves of comfort and serene through me.
“I’m sorry, but why won’t you tell me?”
“sc-scared.”I mumble pathetically under my breath.
“scared? You don’t have to be scared anymore, thats what I’m for. But I need you to tell me who it is because I can’t just keep going on doing nothing and just bumping into you in the middle of the night bleeding, that scares me. So can you please tell me.”I look down at the pad in my lap, my own tears dropping on the paper in perfect circles. With my hand shaking so much it became hard to write the words, the two simple words.
“My dad.”I did it. I told him. I don’t know why I did, maybe because he’s the first person I’ve trusted in a long time, maybe because I like him, honestly I have no idea. I watch tentatively as he reads the two words, but his eyes don’t leave the page as his face morphs into confusion.
“Your dad? Your dad did this to you? Wh- I-I don’t understand why would he do that?”he asked as his eyes finally meet mine. Fear instantly shoots through every vein in my body as I try to form words, but non come out.
“Because I’m gay, and I killed my mom.”the words on the page were messy and almost unreadable as my tears constantly blurred my vision and ran the ink, but he still understood what it said.
“that doesn’t make any sense! You told me she died sailing.”
“Sh-she did….b-but we w-were sailing b-because o-of m-me, b-because I came out a-and d-dad w-w-was angry….”I pathetically rasp out. My heart ached, my words were stutterers between sobs and my unsteady breathing, the taste of salt had reached my mouth from my tears I wasn’t bothered to wipe away. It just hurts, it hurts like the very moment I found out she was gone, like I’m going through it all over again and I cant stop it. Even though he held me as tight as he could it wasn’t enough. My hands found his shirt, clinging to chunks of it like a life line.
“….s-so sh-she t-took me away, t-told me h-he j-just needed time a-and e-every th-thing was going t-to be f-fine….sh-she said i-it w-would get b-better.”when the pain was too much I bury my head in his shirt, in hopes I could just hide away from it, to ease some of the pain but it didn’t. Nothing ever did.
“b-but shes g-gone…..a-and I k-killed h-her….a-and i-it didn’t g-get b-better.”
“No, no, no, no, no. You didn’t kill her ok? Thats not your fault…”I wanted to believe his words, I did, but I couldn’t.
I killed her. I killed my mother.
“..shhh, its ok. I’m right here and I wont leave.”He whispers comforting words into my ear. Soon enough the pain slowly fades and for once, I let myself welcome the darkness that came.
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