Asher’s POV
Biology was an absolute pain to go through. First the hottest, son of a Greek fudging god walks into class. Then to make it worse he was staring at at the entire class!! Every time I looked through my hood I would catch him ogling me down like I was some fresh meat! Oh god I really hope he’s not going to be an addition to the Justins league of butttholes. Even through my skyrocketing anxiety about yet another potential threat to my already miserable excuse of life, I couldn’t help but notice his Piercing emerald green eyes. They remind me of the forest, so full of life, so wild and free, so beautiful. WHAT! No he’s not gorgeous or handsome or incredibly toned, and those muscles, HOLY MOTHER OF MILKY WAY, SNAP OUT OF IT!! I seriously cant have a crush on some hot player right now. Also I’m absolutely sure he’s not going to be gay, like look at him he probably has some cute girlfriend right now.
Your just going to get yourself hurt Asher, it’s not worth it. Remember what happened with Justin, do you really what to go through that again?
Yeah I would rather not, your right weird inner voice, as usual. It’s not worth the gamble. With that thought I get up and race out the door at the end of class, once again using my hight to my favour and skilfully weave through all the bodies till I get out the door.
The rest of my classes go by as usual, with the occasional pushing and shoving or tripping me up. Let’s not forget the cruel words scribbled on paper or plastered all over my locker, ‘faggot’ ‘mute freak’ ‘dirty whore’ and so on. To be honest they have almost no effect on me any more, there just routine. Like these people must really have boring, sad, empty lives if there going to spend there time to graffiti on my locker or draw rather graphic pictures of the male private part.
Lunch eventually rolls around the corner, there’s a bitter sweet feeling that comes with that bell. I either get the living day light beat out of me and shoved in a closet somewhere, or I get and hour and 15 minutes or absolute peace (something that is not easily achieved in my life). I head straight for the stairs to the roof of the school, my hiding place. Opening the metal doors I’m hit with the cold instantly, but I don’t mind it too much.
The roof is the only place on this earth I feel somewhat safe for once. Its not much, just a large area of rocky floor and a small wall to stop someone from falling right off. I just find my spot and sit on the wall and just stare at the view. It’s not much, just a bunch of houses and buildings, cars and people all hurrying to get to there destination, not a Single on of them really paying attention to the others. Non of them are aware of all the reasons that boy ran across the road, or the driver sped through the traffic, too consumed with there own lives to even wonder what everyone else’s is like.
I am aware that my thought’s may be slightly dark or insensitive, true they are all humans, but would it really be that hard to simply accept the fact the people have lives, they have reasons to live, reasons for the stupid mistakes and decisions. I wish everyone would just stop and consider it for a split second, then maybe we’ll be one step closer to a better world. However with people like my father on the planet I’m not sure that will ever become a reality. With all the hurt my father has caused, all the pain so may people have suffered in the past three years. I can’t help but feel like I have a duty to make it right, to at least try and replace all his pain with a little bit of kindness. Maybe it’s because he’s my father I feel some what responsible, or the fact that its my fault he’s like this.
The bell rang ripping me from the peace and back to reality. I got up and wipe the tears off my face I really didn’t even notice had fallen. If your wondering when I ate lunch, I don’t. firstly I don’t have the money for it, and secondly being in the Same room as a single one of those butt heads scares me enough forget about the whole lot.
I make my way down the flights of stairs, stopping a few times so I don’t pass out from dizziness or loss of breath. Eventually I make it to my English lit class on time. As soon as I enter most of the other students are already here, including the one person I really didn’t want to see. Those emerald eyes land on me as soon as I pass his desk. Ignoring his ever increasing stare I take my seat at the farthest seat form the front, from him.
The teacher enters shortly after and begins the class. Mrs Ricardo Is by far my worst teacher ever. She resents me with her whole being I’m sure of it. I don’t know if it’s because I’m gay or because I’m failing her class and she cant say anything about given my ‘condition’. It takes me twice as long to write an essay and I never answer any of her questions because talking is just embarrassing. She starts off the class by going over the chapters of To Kill A Mocking Bird, the book were studying at the moment.
“Okay, who would like to read the next part?”she asked as heads flew into the air all over the room. I watch her eyes scan the room, darting from one person to another. Until they land on me.
“Greyson! Why don’t you start us off for the day?”she announced with that wicked, cruel smirk upon her lips. I vigorously shake my head In rebellion to the stupid idea. What the hell is she playing at? She knows I can’t read out loud, she can’t do this!
“Oh come on child. Stand up and read.” By know every set of eyes were on me, and me only. My heart went from 0 to 1000 in seconds and I can feel my self start to shake. All I can do is repeatedly shake my head to the point I feel myself get slightly dizzy.
“Your wasting class time! Stand up and read before I give you a detention for a week!”she threatens. I can’t have detention, dad will actually kill me and I don’t want to feel that pain my more than I have to.
“Miss what are you doing? You know he doesn’t talk you can’t give him detention for that.”I heard one on the girls concerned voice speak up for me. However her attempt was futile.
“Shut up Amy, the boy will read. UP! I want a nice clear voice.”It’s either I get humiliated and use my voice or I get beat more than normal. As bad as it sounds I prefer the first option.
With my legs trembling I slowly get up from my seat with the book in hand. This is going to be terrible, everyone’s going to know how incompetent I really am that I cant even read. My head starts to feel light as I feel myself sweating like crazy. Looking around the room I see all the awaiting faces , waiting to judge. One face stands out front the rest as I see pure sadness in his eyes. Oh great even the new jock feels sorry for me.
I take a deep breath and look down at the devilish words of Torture. My clammy hands are shaking like crazy, making it even harder to read then normal.
The first time I open my mouth nothing come’s out but air. So I have to swallow the lump in my throat and start again.
“W-won….wond-der…….w-h…why…..h-he…ummm….”I sound like a three year old right now. I feel so useless I just want to scream and rip my hair and throw something, but I don’t. Instead I continue to squint at the stupid words and beg my brain to remember what sound each letter makes.
“Nev-nev…er? G-go-goes….h-hu-hunt…hunt-ing n-no…..now”
look at you, pathetic. You haven’t even read a single line yet! What is wrong with you? The voice in my head echoes around my thoughts.
There all looking at you. They all think your some stupid and useless, because you are. READ THE DAM WORDS!!! It’s not hard! It shouts in my head over and over again. It’s right, it’s always right.
They going to tell your dad about how pathetic you are! He’s going to find out and he’s going to get you. He always gets you you know.
Please be quite ok! I get it just be quite. But it doesn’t.
Incompetent
No please!!
This is your fault
Just stop
You asked for this! You deserve this.
I don’t realise I stopped reading and now I’m just standing there, staring into space as my chest rapidly rises and falls with each passing second. The room begins to spin as I try to make sense of my racing mind. I can barely stand on my two feet as I feel my self starting to hyperventilate. A panic attack? Now? Seriously!!
As fast as I can I leave my book and make a break for the door in a somewhat straight line, stumbling a few times.
The empty halls are spinning around as I feel It closing on me, suffocating me till I can’t breathe. I just about make it to the bathrooms and burst open one of the stall doors. Sliding down the wall to the floor I tuck me knees in as far as they go and hug them with all the strength I have left in me.
My head still spinning as I try to focus on a single spot but it’s useless. My breath starts to shorten and my lungs burn. Tears have long since made there way endlessly down my face. I feel like I’m going to die, like this pain is never going to end I’m never going to be free. And I’m terrified. I want it to stop, I want it to just stop. The spinning, the pain, the void in my chest. I don’t want to feel this weak and broken.
It takes 30 minutes for its to finally subside, and another hour of me just sitting on that floor and crying until I finally have my self calmed down enough to stand up. My breath is still hitched but the school bell is going to run any minute, I have to be home on time.
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