Jayson Francisco Walker’s POV:
Hey, my name is Jayson but no one ever calls me that so its just Jay. I’m 17, I have brown curly hair, emerald green eyes and tanned skin. I’m 6’4 and I’m pretty fit, even if I do say so myself its like the only reason I’m on the football team.
My life is actually pretty great at the moment. I’m the king of the school, I have decent grades and I have great friends and I have money in the family. If your wondering if I have a girlfriend the answers no, although I could have any girl I pick because they literally throw themselves on me, I’m gay.
That’s probably the only thing thats an actual issue in my life. No one knows except for my little sister Lily because I know that if I ever came out everything I value in my life, every good thing thats happening to me would just be dumped down the drain. For that reason my sister thinks I’m a cowered but I honestly couldn’t care less at this point. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister to the end of the world and back, she beautiful, kind, accepting and unbelievably cute in my eyes, she’s basically just my baby even though she’s 15. Thats the only reason I told her in the first place. But she can be a pain in the ass sometimes.
“Hey you comin’ to Venessa’s party tonight? I’m looking to get real wasted”Derek asked while he waited for me to change. We just got off from practice, we have a game in a week so its been intense. Derek is one of my best friends since freshmen year and since then we have conquered this school together.
“Na man, Mum want’s me home tonight says she got somthin’ she wanna talk about with everyone.”
“seriously dude? What about me you can’t just ditch, I really wanted to get wasted you can’t leave me with Chloe.”he whined as we stared to head out to the parking lot.
“she’s literally you’r girlfriend, I’m sure you’ll live”
“yeah but we ain’t exactly on good terms right now, you know that. Come on please, can’t you just sneak out or some shit?” We were approaching our car and Lily was waiting outside it, leaning on the hood of my Audi R8 on her phone.
“No, I can’t. Think of it this way, this is a chance to sort all your shit out between her and just hook up.”
“Uugg I fucking hate you”
“No you don’t. I’ll see you on Monday dickwad”
“yeah whatever, see you.”he slumped before turning to head to his car. Lily hasn’t noticed me yet, too glued to her phone.
“Hey you ready to go?”I simply asked and she jumped three feet in the air with a small scream.
“Jeez what is wrong with you? Dick.”she exclaimed with her hand on the rapidly beating heart. I just ignored her and hopped in the car, she when around and got in to.
“So, do you know what Mum was wants to talk about so urgently?”I asked her breaking the silence as I drove.
“Beats me. Oooh do you think they know your gay?”
“What!? No there’s no way. Shut up.”even though I really do belong there is no way they could find out. What if they really do know? What if they hate me and are going to Knick me out? Shit, shit, shit,shit. And just like that my anxiety was through the roof.
Pulling up to our drive I notice Aunty Lorie’s car parked beside Mums.
“what’s Aunt Lorie doing here?”Lily voiced the question that was running though my mind as well.
“I have no idea. This must be some serious shit.”we got out the car and walked up to that front door and I got out my keys out my Pocket. I hadn’t noticed my hands shaking to the point i couldn’t get the fucking keys in the hole. Lily placed her hand on top of mine and took the keys from my. As soon as I felt her soft skin on mine i somewhat calmed down.
“hey, don’t worry okay. Like you said, there is no way they could know so you have nothing to worry about.”
“yeah, ok.”I breathed out as I slowly calmed my racing heart. She’d right mum’s probably just going to say dad is coming home early or something. And with that Lily opened the door and we entered.
“Hello!?, Mum we’er home”I announced
“Oh umm, In the kitchen honey.”she replied with a slight waver in her voice. What’s going on?
We head over to the kitchen to see Mum leaning over the Marble counter clutching a phone in her hand. Her eye’s were blood shot red and swollen with tears stains covering her blush cheeks. Aunt Lorie was standing over her with an arm draped over her shoulders and hugging her from the side.
“Mum? Have you been crying?”I asked in worry and dash over to her side, Lily followed suit. She didn’t reply at first, just stared off at a spot on the counter.
“MUM!”Lily snapped her out of her trance. This is seriously messed up, i cant feel the anticipation build as well as worry and a small bit of fear.
“what the hell is going on?”
“it’s your father……he was shot in London.”she rasped out before bursting into more tears and sobs while turning to bury her head into Aunty Lorie as she embraced her. I however have not even started to comprehend what she just said and Lily just stood there with a blank empty expression.
“Wait what do you mean he was shot? I mean come on thats crazy right? This is just some joke right?”I tried to reason as my mind was spinning at 100 miles an hour. I still have no clue whats going on, my mind just refuses to understand.
“I’m really sorry Jay. You’r father’s dead.”Aunty Lorie bluntly stated. And time just stopped. I felt like i hade just fell off a cliff, i feel like life just paused. I faintly hear Lily let out an ear shattering scream as she collapsed on the floor. The room began to spin as my heart picks up the pace.
“No no no no no. Your lying. YOUR LYING!!!”I shout as I try to regain my balance. There nothing inside me, its just a void. Dad can’t be gone! Dad cant be dead he’s dad!! I desperately try to convince myself of a lie, but it;s no use.
“FUUUCK!!!….FUUUCK…..NOOOOOO”my hands find there way to my hair and start ripping and pulling at it, but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel anything. Before anyone can say anything I sprint out the room and up to my room and also the door closed before pressing my back against he door and slid down till I’m on the floor, knees pulled into my chest and I just sat the and cried. I cried and screamed and punched things and threw things, I have no idea what was happening at one point.
After I feel like my entire body can’t take anymore. I’m exhausted and my body feels weak to the bone, my fists ache from the forming bruised and i hade officially cried out all my tears. Only then do I fall onto my bed and allow the darkness to consume me and pull me from this nightmare of a reality.
The funny thing is, I hated the bastard. At least I thought I did. He was never there in my life, he never came to a single game or my middle school graduation. He baled on us every time we asked for a family day because he was either in New York or Dubai or some other place, heck I beardy got to speak to him at all, if he was home for a week or two he was locked in his cursed office. Sometime I wanted to break that stupid door down and drag him to one, just one Family night, or even just a conversation at all. I just wanted him there, I wanted a Dad but he refused to do that one simple task of just being there or talking or asking how my day was.
So why am I so upset? Why do I care so much? Why do I even give a shit about the fact he is gone if he was never there in the fist place?.
*I advise you listen to the song for the next part but it totally up to you*
*time skip a few days*
I just sat there as the pope recited his speeches or whatever, i really couldn’t give a shit about the lies that man was spewing.
“And now we say good bye to Alan Walker. A former marine soldier, A Husband, A friend and A father. We will miss him gravely, his passing will not be easily forgotten but cherished…..”the old dude rambled on and on. Soon my mother got up to say a few words, then my sister. My turn was coming up as I fiddled with the slip of paper in my hand, my knee is bouncing relentlessly as the time passes.
“And finally, a few words from his oldest child and only son.”he announced. I slowly got up from my seat, timidly walking over to the podium.
I stood there for a good minute or so with out even saying a word. My clammy hands are shaking to much to read what on the paper as I look out to all the pearling eyes set on me. I take a deep breath and steady my racing heart, feeling the light breeze of the early Winter air.
“My Father….”I attempted to begging but my threat instantly closed up, making it almost impossible. Never the less I cleared my throat and carried on.
“My Father wasn’t really my dad. He was a real bitch. He was never there for me or for Lily or for Mum, he was never home or had the time to sit for dinner, he never asked how my day went or came to my matches, he never even came to a single one of my birthdays, ha imagine that he just gave me a bunch of money and sent me on my way.”I rambled out, letting my true feelings of this man out, not some made up shit to make him seem like someone he wasn’t. Looking up from the spot on the podium I saw confusion and regret evident in everyone eyes, coated with a layer of pain.
“but despite all that, I still miss him, it still pains me knowing that I will never be able to have a long heart to heart conversation or have him give me dating advice and shit like that. And over the last few days since he passed, I’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking. I came to the conclusion that maybe he did love us, maybe he worked his ass off not to ignore us and pretend he didn’t have a family, but so we could have the lives we wanted, so that I could have the car of my dreams and get into collage and get the job I desire. So Maybe you weren’t so bad after all Dad, I just wish you would have show it more, I wish you would have realised that what we needed….what I needed, wasn’t a PS4 and an Audi R8, I needed you.”I didn’t expect to say that, but it was the truth. Saying that out loud made me feel the pain I have tried so long to resent, but this time I embraced it and I let the tears finally flow over the edge and down my cheeks.
I can feel my heart yearning for the first time, i can feel it aching for the loss of my Dad. I step down from the podium and walk/run to my mother how had her hand covering her mouth as tear endlessly flowed down her face as she trembled through her sobs. I instantly wrapped my arms around her slender frame and buried my face in the crock of her neck and let my self go. I let my self cry as she wraps her thin arms around me.
I watch as they lowered the slick black coffin with the bouquet of white and light pink flowers that lay delicately on top. Lily is under my right arm as I hold her trembling shoulders and my mother is on the other side with my arm around her waist as I try my best to offer as much comfort as I can.
Most people had already left, it’s just us left waiting for mum. Me and Lily left he alone for a bit to give her some privacy, but the truck just called telling me they were ready to leave, so I slowly make my way over to her.
“mum, we have to go now, the trucks are ready.”I say in a calm sympathetic tone. She sniffled a few times and wiped her face with her sleeve before barely whispering
“okay, okay.”and with that I slowly lead her through the neatly cut grass an out of the cemetery.
Mum decided to move to one of dads old house’s in some town Hillwood Grove. She said it was only temporary because there still a threat of whoever Shot dad in the first place. But I know the real reason, I know she needs this, the break from it all and a chance to breath. I’m aware I have to leave everything behind me. All my friends and my reputation and football, everything. But honestly as painful as it may be I’m doing this for mum, she and Lily are all I’ve got left from now on.
Comment