Reject (Mxm) Chapter Forty-Two: Ciaran

I jolted up from the bed soaked in cold sweat, my breath coming in short painful gasps. My head’s pounding and my heart rate won’t slow down. I fisted a hand in my hair and rubbed the other across my chest.

I have to go somewhere. Where? I don’t know. But I have to go. Now!

I threw the tangled sheets away from my soaked body and stood up. I’m not back to my full strength but I can manage if I pace myself.

I walked out of the hospital thankful that I met no one in my way. It’d be embarrassing to explain this uncanny urge to go to a place I don’t even know where.

After the incident earlier I demanded to know what happened and what caused me to be admitted at the hospital. Lorcan was the one who filled me in. First asking me what I could remember before proceeding to tell me what I seemed to have missed.

The pack doctor ran a lot of tests and honestly told me I had blanks spaces in my memory. It could have been caused by my injuries or by the extreme amount of poison in my system. It sounded odd to me but I do have that nagging feeling in my gut that I seem to be forgetting something, something very important.

He asked me if I’ve reconnected with my wolf, that perhaps he could help me remember everything. But after I shut him off earlier he haven’t stirred since. He told me if my wolf had disconnected himself from me there’s a high possibility that it might take some time to heal and recover the pieces of my forgotten memories. So basically, I’m temporarily screwed.

I walked towards the forest, allowing my base instincts to guide me. It felt weird because what I’m doing right now is just a shy away from being insane. But what do I have to loose? I feel like I’d go mad if I stay on that hospital bed.

My heart is still pounding a tattoo in my chest but now that I’m moving, perhaps walking towards where I want or need to be, it’s not paining me as much as it did just moments ago.

I stopped by a clearing not far from the training grounds. Why do I have the feeling that I stood on this spot before? It’s not unusual since this is my territory but there’s a painful tug in my chest like I stood here watching something surreal, mesmerizing.

Pain pierced my skull and I groped blindly towards a tree, slumping on it to keep myself upright.

I remember watching a man here. He was wielding a weapon with such precision it appeared like it was part of his own body. The look of concentration on his face was beautiful, his movements were fluid and I’ve never seen a more awe-inspiring scene in my life.

Who is he?

I stumbled forward and continued on my way.

This is not it, the place where I need to go.

I have a feeling I’d have to experience more of this moments before I fully understand what this is all about.

I half walk, half run towards the border. And once I skidded to halt on the clearing a shiver snaked up my spine.

A battle was waged here. I could almost hear the battle cries, the howls and growls of the warriors that fought and died on this spot.

I could hear a voice calling out my name. An echo of someone I know but can’t seem to remember. I  turned around frantically searching for the origin of the sound. But what greeted me was the memory of a beautiful tri-colored wolf lunging himself in the air and dropping in the ground to stand before me.

He stood proud, protective. Growling menacingly to those who wanted to hurt me. He commanded such authority it caused pride to swell in my chest.

It’s him. It’s the same man.

Who is he?

I started forward trying to calm my labored breathing.

I’m close, I could feel it!  

I ran blindly for another hour dodging trees and bushes. I could shift and it would double my speed, help me get there sooner but I have a feeling I have to do this on my own. My wolf has been quiet but I could sense him stirring with every memory that unfolds in my muddled brain.

Why did I forget?

The pack doctor informed me I’ve been in a comatose state for a week. I was severely injured and was fed with a potion laced with silver. They also found traces of monkshood in my system. He said I’m very lucky to still be alive after all that.

I remember the raids. The last one reached the compound. We were severely outnumbered and it was only a matter of time before they crush us.

I fought hard, making certain my pack could flee to safety. I left Lorcan and Bran in charge of the survivors knowing full well that was the day I’d die. But Lorcan stayed behind with me to fight. It was his duty as my beta but I kept pushing him to go. Why?

His mate! I remember he just found his mate. He was there and he needed to protect him. I wanted Lorcan to go and flee to safety with his mate but he still chose to stand beside me and I watched in agony as the others…

I cried out as another shot of pain shot through my skull.

I fell rolling in the ground. I got on my hands and knees, trying to catch my breath.

I remember.

I sent him away.

I was so afraid he’d die, that they’d capture and torture him.

I wanted him to live, to survive.

I pushed myself up and ran. I stumbled and fell a couple of times but I kept on. Finally arriving at the familiar clearing with the cabin that I spent every full moon in for the past five years.

I couldn’t take the separation from him and I couldn’t bring myself to touch another and for them to touch me. I isolated myself here, away from people and away from my pack. When the longing and want becomes too unbearable, I come here and dream of him.

I slowly entered the cabin and pushed open the door of the only bedroom. I closed my eyes as I entered, another set of memory finally coming back to me.

There it was again, the glorious scent.

His scent…

I opened my eyes and looked around. I frowned when I sensed other scents in the air, they were faint but still there. I growled angrily because others have been here. The pack knows full well this spot if off limits.

I walked up to the bed and touched the tangled sheets.

We were here, he and I. Together.

I remember he followed me here after an argument. He tracked me down for hours. It was a simple misunderstanding that could have been easily solved if we just talked. But it all ended well because this is place where we marked each other.

I touched the side of my neck where his mark now burns. Sparks flew beneath my fingertips and my wolf whined in response.

The sheets were still warm to the touch. He was just here. But why would he come here when…

I fell to my knees and slumped on the floor. My body jerked and I feel like my head is splitting in two.

Remember god damn it! My wolf screamed.

Flashes of my memory streamed through my head. Everything that I forgot or chose to forget I now remember.

I clawed on the floor and crawled to go out of the room.

I’m tired but I’d be damned if I stay here acting like a useless fool.

He’s near, I could feel him. I have to get to him. Fast!

I used the doorframe to drag myself upright. I panted heavily as the last vestiges of my memory clicked into place.

How could I forget? Damn it! How could I do this him?

I stumbled out of the cabin and dragged myself through the woods.

I could feel his sorrow and I wanted to throw up knowing I caused it.

I tried to link my mind with his but he’s closed off. He couldn’t hear me but I could clearly hear his voice calling out my name.

I tried to move faster but the fatigue had finally caught up with me. The doctor warned me not to push myself too hard. There’re still traces of silver in my system and I’d be weak for a couple of weeks more before it’s fully washed out.

I soldiered on clinging onto tree trunks to keep myself upright and moving. My whole body ached but its nothing compared to the pain I’m feeling in my chest. The pain that mirrors his.

I found him in submerged in the middle of the pool. Much like the first and second time I found him here, on this special place. He was looking up the darkened sky with tears flowing freely down his cheeks.

“Ruari…” I whispered as I fell on my knees my eyes still locked on him.

He gasped when he saw me and turned at the sound of my voice. He immediately moved and was kneeling beside me in seconds.

“What have you done now?” He asked worriedly, checking the fresh wounds and scratches that marred my skin on my desperation to get here.

He felt my forehead with the back of his hand and I closed my eyes enjoying the feel of his touch on my skin.

I slowly reached out to wipe the tears that still flow freely down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered hoarsely cupping his face in between my hands, touching my forehead to his. “I’m so sorry I did that to you…”

He shook his head frantically biting his lips hard to keep himself from crying out before throwing his arms around my neck.

“I remember…” I confessed. I want him to know. I don’t want him to think, to keep believing that I deserted him. I want to stop hurting him. “I remember everything…”

Ruari cried harder and hugged me closer. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his hair.

Somehow, somewhere, I must have done something right to deserve this. To deserve him. Perhaps the spirits thought I needed Ruari to balance my damned existence. Whatever their reason is, I’m not one to question fate. I’m just happy they’ve gifted me with the privilege to be with him.

“I love you.” I said slightly pulling away to look into his mismatched eyes.

I remember standing in the middle of the yard surrounded by the raiders, fighting for my life, and all I could think about is how I never told Ruari how much I love him. I don’t think he heard me before I rendered him unconscious. I vowed that if I live through the fight, if by some miracle I manage to live and see him again, I’d waste no time telling him how I feel.

It took me while to get here. Damn my hide for hurting him again and again. And fuck me for forgetting who he is. But I’m still selfish after all. I’d rather shackle him to me and risk causing him unnecessary pain than let him go. I need him.

“I love you so much…” I leaned forward and touched his lips tentatively with mine.

We were both shaking and I was afraid he’d had enough of me. That this time I might have done too much and he’d reject me. But Ruari didn’t push me away. He held closer and molded his lips firmly on mine.

I savored the feel of him in my mouth. It seemed like forever since I last touched him, since we last kissed. He tasted like fresh water and something incredibly sweet. His whole presence was intoxicating, drugging.

I traced his lower lip with the tip of my tongue and he instantly opened his mouth. His tongue met mine, tangled and massaged each other as we explore each other’s mouths.

I scraped my teeth on his bottom lip and smiled when he moaned as I bit down on his sensitive lobe. I kissed my way down his neck and licked the part where my mark lay. He growled burying his fingers on my hair pulling my head back and smashing our lips back together.

My hands traced the side of his body and rested on his waist. I pulled and lifted him on my lap before placing my hands on his perky and rounded cheeks, squeezing gently so he’d know what I want.

“Ciaran, we can’t…” He panted as I trailed open-mouthed kisses on his shoulders and chest.

“Yes, we can…” I cooed gently tracing the line of his jaw with the tip of my tongue.

“You’re not fully healed yet…”He tried for reason but I could feel he wanted this as much as I do.

“We waited long enough for this,” I whispered by his ear. “If we wait for the mating ritual to do this I feel like I’d never get to have you. Something always seems to fuck up so let’s do this now…”

“Ciaran…”

I know he was protesting just for the sake of it. His hands were wandering all over my body as frantically as mine are on his. It was adorable really but I refuse to wait any longer than we already have.

 “Please…” I begged. “Do you really want stop?”

My eyes locked with his and before our lips met for another searing kiss I already have my answer.

“Let’s go back to the cabin…” He whispered before taking my hands and leading me back.