Reject (Mxm) Chapter Thirty-Seven: Ruari

will be uploading the next chapter within the next hour so watch out for it. k”,)

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I shot up from the bed and immediately looked around me.

The place and its scent around me were familiar. I’m back in Ciaran’s cabin.

Was it a dream? A nightmare?

I quickly threw the blankets off of me and ran out the room calling Ciaran’s name.

“Ruari,” Kevan greeted me by the entrance of the cabin followed by Bran, Sorell and Harkin.

I looked at my brother and realized I wasn’t dreaming. This was reality.

No, it can’t be!

“Where’s Ciaran?” I asked.

None of them answered or met my gaze as they cautiously spread out the room to surround me.

“Answer me!” I bellowed clenching my fists. They all flinched at my tone but still, no one answered.

Kevan took a step forward and held out a hand to me.

“Brother please,” he said. “We’ll explain everything just calm down.”

I eyed him coldly and slapped his hand away.

“Tell me where my mate is or I’d kill you right now,” I snarled. But even if they don’t tell me I already know.

I could feel it. Ciaran is not here. He’s not even anywhere near here.

Images of the attack came rushing through my mind. The pack falling one after another, some fleeing to safety while the others were rounded up like chattel.

I remember Ciaran fighting to defend his people and his land. His black fur was dyed red with blood as he tore through the enemy line. They were coming at him two to three at a time, they wanted to subdue and dominate him, to defeat and capture him.

I reached blindly for the wall to support me, remembering what he did to protect me. I grabbed my head and pulled on my hair feeling the painful twist of my guts. I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood, choking down a sob that wrenched from my throat.

He didn’t give me a choice!

He just decided on his own!

Ciaran… Ciaran… Ciaran…

I chanted his name like a lunatic, over and over in my mind. Willing him to come to me, to reassure me that he’s safe and alive. I wanted him to hold me, tell me everything’s going to be alright. But no matter how much I wish for it I know it won’t come true.

They all deserted me…

Ciaran is gone and Rothe had locked himself away within the dark regions of my being. He completely sealed himself off, blocking all my attempts to connect with him.

The separation from Keiron and Ciaran must be too heavy for him to bear. He wants to spare me from the pain and misery he was feeling, to halve the agony we were experiencing.

I understand… This is probably the only way to keep us sane.

I don’t know how I managed to drag myself and stumble my way out of the cabin but once outside I collapsed on the cold, damp ground.

“Ciaran!” I screamed on the top of my lungs feeling the earth tremble beneath my fingers. “Ciaran!”

I cried for him, unhindered and unrestrained. The pain was too much I wanted it all to end. But the mark he left on my neck singed my insides reminding me that I’m still alive and there’s work to be done.

I need to find Ciaran.

I shot forward running straight towards the Moonscape pack house. I could hear Kevan and the others calling after me, begging me to come back but I didn’t care. I need to know what happened. I need to see.

It took me mere minutes to reach the clearing where the pack house proudly stood instead of a full hour. All my senses and abilities are somehow heightened despite my scission from Rothe. And even from outside I could tell the house had been ransacked. Part of it was burned and all the windows and furniture were broken.

The raiders have defiled my home.

Dead bodies littered the yard, of our fallen members and theirs. The stench of blood and death was thick in the air. I’ve never seen this much carnage in my whole life.

I approached the house slowly. Trying to track the spot where Ciaran took his last stand against our enemies. He would have made sure to save as much of the pack as he could. He wouldn’t fall unless he was certain most of them got away.

I focused on his scent, on the distinct essence and smell of his blood. I closed my eyes and centered all my being to tracking it down and stopped when I felt my pulse jump exactly on the right spot.

It was here, I’m sure of it, by the near center of the yard.

My whole body started to shake. Beneath my bare feet the ground was still soaked with blood. I don’t know how much of it was his.  I dropped to my knees and curled my fingers on the wet ground.

This too much blood for one man to shed and survive…

Ciaran would have made sure to attract their attention, made certain all their eyes were focused on him.

I turned and looked around. Dead bodies lay on piles surrounding the spot. All of them were unfamiliar. All of them were from the enemy’s ranks.

Ciaran put up one hell of a fight.

How long did he stand on this spot? How many did it take to bring him down? How much damage did he sustain? Was he captured alive? Or did they take his dead body as a prize?

Questions… All I have now are endless and mindless questions that wouldn’t have an answer until I find Ciaran.

“They took him alive alpha,” said by a familiar voice not far from where I was.

I recognize Lorcan as he emerged from the tree line. He cautiously stepped closer and kneeled in front of me. It was then that I noticed he lost his left eye. As pack beta he would have stayed behind to fight with Ciaran. He would have died beside him or for him if the situation called for it.

“Forgive me alpha.” He said, his head hanging low. “I couldn’t do anything to stop them from taking him.”

I wanted to berate him for being here, for being safe when Ciaran wasn’t. But it isn’t his fault. It was Ciaran’s choice to stay behind. It was his decision to save me and the pack other than himself. No matter how much it pains me to admit there is no one to blame for the pain I’m feeling but Ciaran. He didn’t give anyone much of a choice. He just did what he wanted because he could. He’s infuriating that way.

“What would you like to do alpha?” Bran said. He and the others have finally caught up with me. “Alpha Ciaran’s last words were to follow and protect you. Command us and we would obey you.”

More of the pack’s survivors arrived at the clearing. All of them looked battered and weary. Most were scared and uncertain. But everyone was looking to me for guidance.

Don’t they see? Haven’t they realized?  Without Ciaran, I’m as lost as they are, probably even more so.

What am I supposed to do? Ciaran entrusted me with these people. He entrusted me with his pack. But I’m not like him. I’d never be like him. I’m not selfless and I can’t think of their benefit before Ciaran’s or my own. I don’t have the strength to guide them because I can’t be strong without Ciaran. I can’t stand alone and lead these people. I could try but only if Ciaran is with me, if he’s beside me to support and teach me.

“I’m not the person most of you think I am and I’m certainly not the man Ciaran thinks. I can’t lead you. I don’t know how… I know it’s selfish and weak but I can’t do this without him. ” I declared. “I won’t ask or command any of you to follow me. You’re all free to do what you want. But I’m going to retrieve what they stole from me. I’m going to take back Ciaran.”

“I’m going with you,” Lorcan said.

“And I,” followed by Bran.

Soon the clearing is filled with shouts and cheers for the up coming confrontation with the raiders in order to save Ciaran.

I look at them and a sinister part of my mind whispers that I may be leading these people to their deaths, that I’m rallying them towards danger when Ciaran fought so hard to keep them safe.

I would probably regret this moment of weakness and impetuousness if the pack gets annihilated under my care. When Ciaran looks at me with disgust because I led his people to slaughter in order to save him.

But I don’t care.

Ciaran cut off all other routes for me the moment he decided my life was worth more than his. If he’d trusted me enough, if he hadn’t given up before we could fight then I wouldn’t be here without him and he wouldn’t be somewhere I couldn’t reach him. I’m desperate too. He should have known better than to leave me alone.

“Tell me where they’re hiding him,” I turned to my brother.

We didn’t get to finish our conversation by the lake. Just when Kevan was about to tell me everything he knows about the raiders, we were attacked and had to return to the pack house to help the others. We met Lorcan, Sorell and Harkin on our way. We had to fight our way back since the raiders seemed keen to keep me and Ciaran apart during the battle.

“What makes you think I know?” He asked.

“If you didn’t you won’t have that disgusting smug look on your face that says ‘I fucking know everything’.” I answered irritably. “Now tell me…”

In the short time that I’ve known my brother I realized he has an innate talent in pissing off people. I don’t know if its by design or not but I’m sure I’d cure him of this idiocy once we spend more time around each other. This propensity of his could get him killed if he’s not careful.

“Ruari, we could send other people to rescue Ciaran. There’s our mother’s pack and the pack where Sorell and Harkin are from. You don’t have to go yourself.” He said instead of answering my question. I guess this is his attempt to make me change my mind. “Ciaran wanted you to stay here. We can send the others and they’d make sure to…”

“Having other people do the work might be your thing Kevan but it isn’t mine.” I said cutting him off. “Stop wasting my time and just tell me what I need to know.”

But my brother is a natural born nuisance. I should have guessed he wouldn’t give up easily on persuading me not to go. I don’t know what his problem is but we don’t have much time for this!

“Are you sure this is what you really want?” Kevan asked. “To go to war and save your mate even though that isn’t what he wanted? You’d be severely outnumbered!”

“I don’t care,” I answered firmly. “This is a mission to save Ciaran from the enemy’s clutches. If the extraction creates a ripple towards war then we’d be ready to counter. But I’ll make sure I have Ciaran by my side before that happens.”

“Do you think Ciaran would thank you if you get most of his pack killed just to get him back?”

“I’d deal with him when it happens.”

“You know as well as I there’s a high probability that Ciaran’s already dead.”

I stiffened and glared at my brother, resisting the strong urge to strangle him.

I’ve only known Kevan for a few hours and already I’m starting to seriously reconsider our relationship. What is so good about having a brother anyway, especially one as troublesome as him? He seems to be unafraid to voice out the fears I’m trying hard not to even think about. It’s like being blunt to the point of near torture is his special way of supporting me and at the same time tormenting me. Both of which gives him pleasure, to be honest. I’m beginning to think he has a sadistic streak lining down his spine. But I can’t deny, in this matter, he makes a very fine point.

“He’s alive I can feel it. If by some cruel twisted luck I find he isn’t then I’m going to kill them all. Nothing would change. I’m still going to bring back him back. Ciaran is the alpha of Moonscape and he belongs with his people. Alive or dead nothing could change that.” I said. “Either you join me or get out of my way. Whatever you decide makes no difference to me.”

I turned to walk away since I know I wouldn’t be able to get anything out of him. I could still track Ciaran’s scent if I go now. Kevan is stubborn to a fault and I guess that’s another thing that rules us as brothers. But before I could go he held me back.

“You don’t understand do you? Why Ciaran chose to save you instead of himself? Why he chose to give himself up in order to protect you?” He was gripping my arm so hard it almost hurt. “Accept my proposal, send the others in your place. Honor what he wants and stay here, survive, protect these people and…”

“How could you expect me to protect a whole pack, a whole community, if I can’t even protect the one person that matters most to me?” I snapped shrugging him off. He doesn’t understand. None of them does! “It’s you and Ciaran who doesn’t understand.”

“Why can’t you just let him go?” He asked angrily. “He sacrificed a lot to save you. Why can’t you see you’re more than just his mate? You’re more than just the alpha to these people and he understood that!”

“I never asked to be anything other than to be his!” I snarled. “It is true that Ciaran traded his life for mine and for everyone else’s but self sacrifice isn’t always the way. Sometimes giving up on yourself is greatest disservice you could do to those around you.”

Kevan and I glared at each other before he broke eye contact and muttered a string of obscene profanities under his breath. He started kicking the ground and throwing punches in the air like an absolute lunatic before turning back to me.

“Alright, dammit!” He growled. He ran a hand through his hair, a nervous gesture that reminds me so much of myself. “You win you selfish bastard! I’ll tell you what I know…”