The roseate splendor in the brunette’s eyes turned to gray. It must have been hours already since she sat on the couch with the television on, her eyes were boring into the television set, mindlessly watching a sitcom she didn’t even know exist. It had been three days already since Lou, who Sandra was sure, was Cate, walked out from her. In those three days, she had dedicated it into trying to forget about all that happened and her work as the medical director of the hospital helped a lot. When she was at work, her mind would automatically flip off any thought that was not about her job and she was thankful for that. But when her soiled feet would step out of the building, and when her soul would arrive at the walls of her own apartment, the pretense of being okay would slip off like a satin dress falling from a mannequin. So at 10 PM, there Sandra was, staring blankly at a sitcom on the television.
Was the heart of the woman she loved become too rough already? The brunette, ultimately, just wanted to cry, but it felt like her tears had dried up; she couldn’t tear up anymore. All she felt was that immense hollowness inside that she was sure, only Cate could fill.
“But how could she fill that up when she doesn’t want to be found?” Sandra muttered to herself, a tint of anger in her voice as she looked at the unopened bottle of vodka that she had on the table.
For days, the brunette had reflect on Cate; she was sure that Lou was Cate, however it seemed that the woman didn’t want to be found. And Sandra knew that no matter how hard she would try to find her, to make her vomit the truth out, she would never be successful because nobody would ever find someone who doesn’t want to be found.
“So be it then.” The brunette mumbled, turning off the television before she turned her attention to the unopened bottle of vodka on the table.
A lot of people didn’t know what baggage she had inside. Even her friend, Jennifer, would often say she looked okay and that despite everything, she handled the baggages in her heart so well. If only they knew that in between her car trips, her knuckles would turn white from having to hold onto the steering wheel so hard, trying to refrain herself from crying. If only they knew that in between her comfort room trips, hid a thousand wipe of her tears. In between her mirthful hellos to everyone she would talk to, deep down below were the buried sobs, the choked and labored breaths.
The nights for her weren’t for burning off throats anymore, but that night, maybe that could be an exception.
—–
A week later…
“Doctor Bullock, meeting in thirty minutes.”
Sandra almost bury her head against the table as her assistant appeared in her office’s door to remind her of a board meeting for the day. Her head had been pounding since she woke up and a great portion of her self regretted drinking last night. She had tried to turn the headache off with some medicines, but sometimes, pains just wouldn’t magically disappear.
Damn this hangover.
“Would it be possible to reschedule it?” The brunette asked, her hands holding both her temples, “I’m not feeling good today.”
“Sure, doctor. I’ll go ahead and inform everyone you are rescheduling the meeting.” Her assistant replied, standing up from the sit she had taken on the sofa just a few seconds ago, “Before I go, would you like me to get you some medicines?”
“No, no, it’s all good. I’ve taken some already. Just go ahead and inform them I’ll be rescheduling it to a later date and if you would be so kind to cancel all my schedules too for today. I’m going home.”
“Sure thing, doctor. You take care and rest.”
A timid smile was all the brunette could give to her assistant before the latter went away. As soon as the door closed, Sandra took off her white coat, folded it in half and placed it on her chair before she grabbed her handbag, ready to storm her way out of there. The day was whispering her to rest and a big part of her was questioning back as to what kind of rest – she didn’t want to rot in bed, nor she didn’t want to stay in front of a television knowing full well her damn pathetic self would just start playing Cate Blanchett’s movies. With a sigh, Sandra rushed her way out, with a plan in mind, hoping that it could somehow cleanse the heavy feelings in her rattled bones.
The way to the grocery store seemed to be just a blink. Sandra smiled, a little amused at the realization that she just got into the grocery store in no less than five minutes. The brunette, right after parking her car, went inside, casually grabbing a basket that she, herself, didn’t know what to put. The thing was, she didn’t know what to buy. All she had in mind was that a grocery trip sounded relaxing and so her feet brought her there.
Sandra scanned the place. There weren’t much people in there. It was only ten in the morning and the shoppers she’d seen could only be counted by her fingers. It wasn’t a bad thing though. In fact, she loved the little solitude the store gave. She stood around a corner, just beside a stall where all the fresh fruits were laid and for a moment, she contemplated on picking something. Picking up ready to eat or cooking something twisted her mind. Picking up something ready to eat seemed easy, but now, she could also cook.
“I want sauteed shrimp and fried wings.” Sandra mumbled to herself, “But I also want to buy Takoyaki and…” She turned to look at the different aisles, looking for something to say.
Her breakup with Cate sure did kill all the flowers she had planted in herself and to this day, it never bloomed again. In her flesh were the thousand flowers, rotten and decayed. But if there was one thing the breakup taught her, it was the fact that she learned how to cook.
“Mmm I’ll cook then I’ll go get my Takoyakis. That’s the plan.” She added before she started to trudge her way down to the area where seafood was sold.Â
As soon as she arrived, she instantly picked up the tong to pick the freshest shrimps she could ever get. She was too indulged at the task at hand, that she didn’t mind the figure who stood beside her. Have you ever felt being watched like a goddamn prey? That was how she felt, still, she continued, disregarding the preyed feeling she got. As soon as she filled half of the plastic bag, the brunette turned to her side to put it inside her cart when the woman, who had been running inside her head, stood right there.
“Cooking?”
There was something different in the way Lou mumbled the word. There was something different in her demeanor too. Amidst the badass green velvet suit she got, beneath the exterior, was the vulnerability and yearning that Sandra easily picked on. Could it be that Lou missed her?
Sandra nodded, “Yeah.”
The brunette wanted to add something, but what would she say? Instead, like two old lost ghosts meeting up in a grocery aisle, they stood there, facing each other like ex-lovers. Lou looked at Sandra, with a timid smile on her lips – a smile that had guilt and awkwardness to it.
“It’s been…” Lou started, shrugging her shoulders at the same time, “…haven’t seen you in a week or more. You don’t visi—”
“And what’s there to visit?” The brunette countered without even looking at the blonde as she placed the bag of shrimps to her cart.
Lou didn’t respond and Sandra never waited. Instead, the brunette started to walk away, leaving the blonde behind. It was obvious that Lou rushed to follow, trying to keep up with the brunette’s pace.
“It’s your day off?”
Sandra never bothered to give her a look, “I didn’t work.”
“Coffee? I know a good café right down the block outside. I know you will love everyth –”
“You know what, Louise?” Sandra turned at her, putting emphasis on the name Louise, “…I don’t wanna be hostile or what, but I prefer not to see you, okay? Now if you would be so kind to let me go on my way, I would be very happy.” She continued, her voice so calm but it sure did tear Lou apart.
***
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