The apparition of a half-baked truth appeared in Lou’s shocked yet somber eyes. What was once the deepest shade of blue became a bit lighter, like a white-washed paint. On the blonde’s face was a silent retreat. With no words coming out of her, she stood there, just looking at the naked brunette across her.
“What?” Sandra questioned nonchalantly, as if she did not have any idea that her request would break Lou’s world.
“I want it this way.” The blonde tried to give off a smile, along with the shaking of her head as if she just pulled herself away from a deep reverie, “This is sexier.”
Sandra reached out to Lou in her knees before she circled her arms around the blonde’s neck, in an attempt to look her in the eyes, “But I want to worship all of you.” A finger slowly reached the blonde’s clothed breast, “Strip…and let me worship all of you.”
“Sandy…” Lou groaned as she tried to kiss her, but Sandra was too quick to move away.
“It’s baby.” The brunette replied, smiling endearingly at the blonde before she caressed the blonde’s lips, “It’s baby for now.”
“Baby,..” Lou loosened the tie on her neck, while her other hand came to stroke the protruding strap on her legs, “…let me worship you instead.”
If it wasn’t for Sandra’s plan, Sandra would have already lay there again, ready to welcome Lou’s strap because honestly? Aside from wanting to strip Lou off of her pretense, the only thing that was swirling in Sandra’s mind at the moment was to be fucked roughly by the woman in front. But that moment wasn’t for her fleshes’ desires, it was to put an end to the biggest question she had in mind.
“No, strip. I want to see all of you.” The brunette murmured, with a little more conviction this time, “I want to worship you.”
This made Lou gulp, and this did not go unnoticed by Sandra. In Lou’s eyes, there was a brewing hesitation and it was apparent that if she could just disappear from there, she would. The blonde just stood there, as if her hands froze.
“Would you give me the honor to strip you off?” Sandra tried to bring back the sultry momentum as she tried to reach for Lou’s loose tie, but the blonde was so quick to back away, as if the brunette was fire and she was a thin sheet of ruined paper.
“No.” Lou shook her head.
“Why?” Because you’re afraid that I would see my name tattooed on you?
“I’m not…comfortable. I don’t…” The blonde shook her head once more, “I don’t take off my clothes when I do –”
Sandra cut her off, “Not comfortable? Are you hiding something?”
“Hiding what?”
What was once a dawn of pure sex slowly turned into a dawn full of embers of a fight. Sandra got off the tiny bed and stood on the floor, facing Lou who just sat on the foot of the bed with her head bent down.
“I’m not hiding anything, okay?”
“Then what?” The brunette retorted, her voice rose than anticipated, the annoyance was flowing right out of her like a leaked blood, “Why can’t you just take your goddamn clothes off? Are you fucking afraid?”
“Why would I be afraid?” Lou stood up, mirroring the brunette’s stance, “Afraid of you?”
It was not the witching hour yet, but as soon as Lou stood up, as soon as those deep ocean eyes reflected back to the mahogany ones that Sandra owned, the brunette was then transported to all the memories she and Cate shared. Standing there naked, with her heart beating so fast, Sandra wondered – could Lou tell the love she still has for Cate?
In Lou’s eyes, Sandra could see all the memories woven between them. All the nights of kisses and timid declarations were as clear as sunlight, as if she was watching a film on a big screen. The memory lane took her back to all their misgivings and shortcomings, the love despite differences. All the seconds shared came back to her and she knew there was no point hiding her motive anymore because as she looked at Lou, she was nothing more than a pitiful kid.
Naked and with so much tears dwelling in her eyes, Sandra bit her lip to try to stop herself from sobbing, “Lou, you can kill your identity before. Hell yeah, you can even kill who you were christened as. You can delete your whole individuality from the fucking face of the earth. But you could never…” She wiped the tears streaming down her face like a little kid, “…but you could never, ever kill the woman I loved…”Sandra bent her head down; she wasn’t ashamed saying that, but the intensity of Lou’s eyes was too cold to bear, but with all the courage she had gathered, the brunette wiped her tears once more before she looked at Lou, straightly once more, “…and still love in you, Cate.”
There was a burst of emotions in Lou’s eyes, few of which Sandra couldn’t fathom. The brunette felt like she was looking at a stranger who had a skin that felt so familiar to her. In Sandra’s grave, there she would take her instinct that the woman in front was really Cate.
“I’m telling you, you can run away from the whole world, but you could never, ever run away from someone you had history with.” Sandra continued, taking a step before she tried to reach out to Lou, “You could never run from —”
“Bullshit!” The world seemed to have stopped when Lou angrily spit that out, “How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not her? How many times do I fucking have to say it in your face that I’m not the woman you loved!” She exclaimed, taking a step back whilst running her fingers through her hair in pure frustration.
“And still love!”
“Bullshit! I’m not the woman you love, okay?”
Sandra didn’t reply. Instead, she slowly sat back on the bed and started sobbing silently. It felt like all the shrines that she had built for so long fell apart with that “bullshit” coming from Lou. The sobbing of the brunette as she took a retreat on the bed did not go unnoticed by the blonde – how could a word cut nastier than a papercut?
“I’m sorry.”
Sandra gradually lifted her head to look at the blonde; melancholy was obviously plastered on her face and her mahogany eyes grew even glommier than it were, “For what? You’re not her, right?” The brunette started to sob back like a little kid, hence she threw her face on her palms, “I just want to know, Lou because I’m tired. I’m so tired of looking for her. I’m so tired of spending days and nights not knowing where she is. I’m tired of living not telling her that I love her still. So please…”
Lou stood frozen on her spot. There were a thousand words left hanging like a garden of Babylon on her tongue, yet her lips didn’t move. She looked like a hollow statue, frozen yet fragile. The tensions were so evident with how her clavicles deepened, as if she was threatened by a gun.
“Please…” Sandra looked at her again, her face covered with tears and she looked so much like a defeated soldier returning from a war, “…she has me tattooed on her body, so please…”
“I’m sorry.” That was the only thing that came out of Lou, before she fixed herself real quick and in a matter of seconds, left the room, leaving the brunette on the bed, sobbing.
***
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