The frantic rhythm of her heart seemed to echo through her entire body, threatening to shatter her ribcage with each erratic beat. The news of Lou’s motorcycle accident had leeched the color from her face, leaving her feeling hollowed out and numb. Fear, cold and sharp, clawed at her throat, making it difficult to breathe. As she sprinted towards Lou’s room, a wave of nausea washed over her, and tears dwelled up in her eyes, blurring her vision. Every frantic step felt heavier than the last, the weight of her worry a suffocating presence that threatened to consume her entirely.
Lou, the woman who claimed to be a stranger – who was a stranger, yet, Sandra felt as though, she knew the histories of the lines that had been patched into every space of Lou’s individuality. She felt as though she had been with her for a long time. In Sandra’s heart, an echo whispered: Lou was, in some way, Cate.
Without a knock, the brunette swung the door open. And when she did, her heart dropped. She felt like her heart was gradually being cut with a dull scalpel and every slice was sewing a rough edge. Sandra wanted to shout and scream, not because Lou was in a perishing condition, but because of how she found Lou as soon as she stepped into her room.
“What the fuck?”
To say that Lou was taken aback would be an understatement. Her eyes widened in shock and her lips hung open as the brunette barged in. With her left arm bandaged, her forehead bandaged too covering up a minor abrasion, Sandra found Lou doing pull-ups on the hospital bed.
“What the hell are you doing?” The brunette asked as she stepped into the room, “Are you out of your mind?”
“Uh…” Lou was lying on the bed horizontally, “Pull ups?”
“Jesus Christ.” Sandra muttered, she then went towards the blonde and helped her settle back on the bed, “You’re really out of your mind.”
“Excuse me? And what are you even doing here?”
“Apparently, I’m the medical doctor of this hospital.” Sandra blurted before she pulled a seat across Lou’s bed, “What happened? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Just minor abrasions here. Nothing drastic.”
“Are you really okay? Is there a part that’s aching? Are you comfortable? Who is your assigned nurse?” The line of questions that came out of Sandra’s lips gave away the fact that she was deeply worried and Lou saw it; beneath those mahogany eyes, the blonde clearly saw the worry hiding inside.
“I told you,..” Lou smiled at her, “…I’m fine. And you don’t have to guard me here because I’m utterly fine and besides, just a reminder, you might be worried because you’re thinking I’m…” Lou sheepishly grinned at the brunette, “…who was it again?”
“Cate.” Sandra rolled her eyes at her, “Gosh, you don’t have to remind me. I get it. You’re Lou. Louise Miller.” She blurted but underneath the words slipping out of her, Sandra knew it was a lie.
“Yeah, Cate. Speaking of Cate, I’m curious. Do you have a photo of her?”
“You’re telling me you don’t know Cate Blanchett?”
As if on cue, Lou’s eyes widened in shock, “Cate? As in Cate Blanchett? That Australian actress? Holy shit, bro you’re high as fuck.”
“What?”
Lou’s hand met her forehead as she started to laugh, “I look nothing like her!”
“Yes, you do!”
“No, I do not.” Lou shook her head as she looked at Sandra, “But thank you for thinking that. Cate’s pretty.”
The brunette gave her a nod, “Very pretty.”
“You’re friends with her?”
Sandra pondered at the question. Her quiet breath has taken its fall as she bent her head, trying to fish out an appropriate answer to it. Friends? They weren’t friends the night Cate disappeared. Lovers? Ex? What should she name the woman she would always find herself under her damn feet? Sandra would always find herself sniffing crumbs left of Cate in her, what would she call her? Addiction?
“She was…” The brunette bit her lower lip solemnly before she gave Lou a glance, “…she was mine once.” She added, the words came out almost like a dead whisper.
“Oh.”
“It was a long time ago.”
Lou’s demeanor shifted into pity, “I’m sorry.”
This time it was Sandra’s turn to laugh, yet the sound that came out landed on Lou pretensiously. The blonde knew it was not a laugh, rather it was a cover.
“Don’t be.” Sandra muttered as she smiled at the blonde on the bed, “I’m fine.”
Lou didn’t speak, yet her silence became too loud for Sandra.
—–
As the brunette arrived back at her office, she immediately ran towards the comfort room. Her heart was becoming too frantic. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, as if her lungs were expanding and her ribcage could explode already. She had been imprisoning the tears that had been wanting to kiss its release, and as Sandra found herself inside, with her own self looking at her own reflection on the mirror, there she cried.
How could Lou talk of Cate without a single stutter on her tongue? Sandra anticipated that moment – when she and Lou would talk and she would see the tremors on Lou’s hands, the tears in her eyes, yet she saw nothing. What she saw was a mere stranger talking about a mere stranger and she loathed it.
Lou really looked like her, felt like her, but as Sandra stood in the mirror, she was afraid that Lou wouldn’t even want to burn her skin a little for her, afraid that she would not even risk herself for her, because Cate did and will always do; Cate and Sandra may have ended, but Sandra knew Cate will die for her if needed be, and she was afraid Lou wouldn’t, afraid that Jennifer might be right – Lou wasn’t Cate.
“This can’t be.” Sandra mumbled as she leaned on the lavatory, her head hung low as she heaved sigh after sigh, “This can’t be. This can’t be.”
Her frustration built up so fast along with the falling of her tears. At that very moment, she didn’t know anymore. Her mind was telling her she was wrong for even thinking Cate was Lou, but how could she void that thought when her heart gets too frantic under Lou’s presence?
***
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