In a golden gown and holding a recently polished trophy, Cate greeted herself, alone, as she entered her house. Finally, the night came to an end. She was once again alone after all the spotlights had been turned off. She was met by complete stillness as soon as she walked inside her home. At first, she believed those who had taught her that silence was a comfortable thing, but as she stood there, she realized it wasn’t. Sighing, she put her trophy on the closest table as she made her way to the kitchen. She took the most expensive bottle of wine out of her wine rack, pulled the cork, and drank it straight from the bottle.
She didn’t even bother to switch on the lights. She became immuned to brilliant lights lingering around her, so she chose to forget about shimmering lights, even if only for a moment. Even though the room was dark, she could see her shadows lingering. There was a home on every corner where their feet once landed. Cate gradually sat down on a stool, trying not to pass out and slump on the floor. Their 2 a.m. dances, her standing on the corner, them watching a movie – she could still see her. Cate, despite her best effort, couldn’t stop herself from crying as her ghost followed her around like a lost child in a pandora box. She could still hear her giggles even if there was stillness, thus her sobs were spilling out of her lips.
She perfectly knew she shouldn’t do it, yet she moved her hands to unzip her bag and get her phone even though she knew it was useless. With tears in her eyes, she dialed her number once more. She wanted to end the call, go away, and get lost, but she was unable to do so. She missed her deeply and couldn’t act as though everything was okay when it wasn’t. Please, pick it up. Take it up. She could hear her own heart whispering, but after many rings, the call was disconnected. She remained silent.
The night was long already and Cate found herself going out and opening her car. She needed to see her. She needed to speak to her, because if she couldn’t, she knew she would lose herself. With tears still streaming on her face, a bottle of wine on her hand, she slipped into her car. Her golden gown was still on her body. Her hair was still gorgeous, but she didn’t have any make-up on anymore. The glitters on her eyes and gloss on her lips had vanished. Her mascara was streaming down her cheeks, and she was distraught. Nonetheless, she was excited to see her. Cate brushed her tears away with the back of her hand before starting the car. She drove away with a glimmer of optimism in her heart.
“What if I can’t do this?”
Cate put down the script that she was reading. She flashed her a look, waiting for her to speak another word. But as she sat on the couch, watching her on the corner with all her medical books closed, Cate realized that she would not say another word anymore. The blonde watched her as she left out a sigh and she startled when she started crying. Cate jumped off the couch and ran to the study table on the corner where her girlfriend had been studying for hours now.
“What if I won’t –” Her lips trembled and Cate knelt in front of her, trying to stop her from crying, “What if I won’t become —”
“Honey…” She uttered as she touched her knees, “Of course you’ll be able to do it. You’re brilliant and I believe in you. You”ll become a doctor, I swear.” She added as she lifted her chin, “Hear me?”
She nodded, “But what if I really ca –”
Cate rushed to kiss her, “You will.”
—
They slept on the bed, naked in their full glory. The night was calm, same with how serene their hearts were. The moon outside their window was full and bright, and with their skin touching, they knew whatever may come, it would be as bright as the moon.
“You still awake?” She asked Cate.
Cate looked down at the pair of chocolate eyes looking up at her from her chest, “Yes.”
“Are you nervous?”
Cate wanted to lie, but she couldn’t. In an attempt to hide her answer, she closed her eyes and chose to not speak.
“Hey…” She jested and moved on top of the blonde, “Baby…” She chimed, trying hard to catch the blonde’s attention, “Why are you nervous?” She asked.
“Because I know I am not the best. Many aspiring actors will audition and I know I am not, in any way, as good as they all are. I know that –”
She kissed her lips to stop her from babbling before she caressed her chin, “And I will rephrase what you said.” She started softly as she gave the blonde a smile, “I know you are the best. Many aspiring actors will audition and I know that they are not, in any way, as great, as brilliant and as magnificent as Catherine Elise Blanchett.” She smiled before she bent down to kiss the blonde’s nose, “Don’t be nervous, baby. I know you can do it.”
“You think so?”
“Break up with if me if you have found out I’m lying.”
Cate laughed as she rolled her eyes, “Goodness, you’re a jerk.”
“I love you.”
The blonde gave her a smirk, “Thanks.”
She groaned, “Ugh fuck you.”
“Baby, you just did a little while ago.”
She flashed her a death glare and Cate rewarded it with a genuine laugh. That night, they made love while whispering all the things that made the blonde’s heart calm.
The blonde smiled. Oh, how good they both fitted. They looked so great, but now as she drove through the place, she began to ask herself where did it all go wrong. Were they that weak that they chose to end it to avoid casualties? Cate looked around. The lamppost was still there, and still the light still flickered creepily. Why hadn’t no one insisted to fix it? On the corner of the place, there was the bench still and she remembered how they used to sit on it after an early morning walk.
She missed the place as much as how she missed the woman living in that place. She was cognizant that she should not drive there again, but what could she do? Her heart was too stubborn. She stopped the car just a block away from her house. Cate opened her car, got the bottle of wine along with her as she went out. The night was not that young anymore and nobody was outside. The houses on the area had turned their lights off, and she wondered what time it was already. Midnight? Dawn? The blonde shook her head and trudged to the same house in hopes of seeing her again. Her heart throbbed against her chest as she stood outside her door. Cate knew that she looked stupid – messy make-up, a bottle of wine on her hand, tear-stained face and a body still clothed in gown. But she was already there and so, in her most dauntless move, she rang the doorbell.
It didn’t take a minute when the door opened. And there she was, looking beautiful as ever. Her eyes widened upon seeing Cate standing outside her door. Her lips hung in shock, but before she could even react, Cate’s tears spilled again.
“Can we just pretend that we didn’t break each other’s hearts,..” Cate tried to hold back a sob, but she failed “…can’t we?”
***
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