Head Over Heels Âœ“ 26 / beside the seaside

september, age 19

Lucas sat on his bedroom floor with his little brother on his lap, his packing slowed by the seventeen-month-old boy who had proved to be the most demanding of the triplets, though he was fairly easy to handle: Julian craved attention from his family but he was easily pleased just by being with someone, whereas Freddie was a bit of a flight risk with a fancy for shiny things. The youngest, Harvey, was the easiest. He could never run away when every single thing in his path captured his attention, stopping every few seconds to pick up a leaf or to examine a beetle on the pavement. Not yet two, he had the same curiosity that Lucas had possessed at that age, craving the answer to every why he asked.

Lucas was quite content to hold Julian on his lap as he folded a week’s worth of clothes into his bag, chatting to him as he worked. When the triplets had arrived, he had been terrified about having three new siblings – three brothers, to be precise, which had scared him even more – but in the months since their birth, he had found himself intrigued by their growth, how each of the boys developed into a completely different person despite having identical upbringings, all born within ten minutes of each other.

Sarah stepped through the open door with a smile on her face and a laundry basket clutched against her hip that she rested on top of Lucas’s chest of drawers. “What’re you boys up to?” she asked as she put the clothes away, keeping out the pair of jeans that Lucas wanted to pack.

“Just making sure I’ve got everything,” Lucas said. He took the jeans that his mother passed him when she sat down opposite, grinning and waving at her baby.

“And you have?” she asked, though the question was fairly pointless when Lucas always made sure he had absolutely everything that he needed.

“Yup.” He looked down at his bag over the top of his brother’s head, confident that he had everything he needed from his toothbrush to his underwear; his laptop to his book. In approximately one hour, he would accompany Asher down to Brighton to move into university and he was staying with him until Friday, almost a whole week. The first week was nothing but nights out and exploring the new city: Asher had no interest in the former and the latter was something he only wanted to do with his boyfriend.

Julian slipped off his Lucas and reached out for his mother, one hand pointing at the ceiling. “Up,” he said. She hauled him onto her lap and kissed his cheeks, snuggling him close. He had picked up the most sign language so far, as though being a couple of minutes older than his brothers had given him some kind of developmental advantage.

“What time do you want to go, hun?” Sarah asked, bouncing her legs to make Julian chuckle.

“We’re leaving Asher’s house at eight, so I want to be there for quarter to at the latest. It takes twenty minutes to get there so … within the next ten minutes. Is that ok?”

“No problem,” she said, her features soft as she cuddled Julian as though he was a teddy bear and said to him, “And you’re going to have a fun morning with Daddy, aren’t you?”

“All morning?” Lucas asked. His mother nodded.

“Audrie and I are going to the spa today,” she said. “A little R and R before she starts her PhD.”

“And you’re leaving Truman alone with six kids?” He raised his eyebrows, wondering if his ever-competent stepfather had ever been completely in charge of his six youngest children.

“Oh, no. Cooper’s coming over when Audrie and I go out,” she said, playing with Julian’s feet. “He’s so great with the kids. He and Audrie will be such wonderful parents some day. You like Cooper, don’t you, Jules? You boys will get another brother soon.”

Lucas’s eyebrows shot up at the insinuation and Sarah laughed when she realised that he had misinterpreted what she had said.

“I mean Cooper,” she clarified. “When he and Audrie get married, he’ll be your brother-in-law.”

“Oh, yeah.” Lucas chuckled to himself. He was excited for Audrie’s wedding, planned for next summer – once she had completed her first year of her doctorate – with him as a pageboy. It was bound to be a busy wedding with so many bridesmaids, pageboys and flower girls from Audrie’s side of the family alone.

He zipped up his bag. He had packed lightly, calculating exactly what he would need for six days with his boyfriend and in the unlikely case that he had forgotten something, he could always borrow it. There were some things that Asher always provided: he took care of everything they needed for a fun evening in. There were too many small prying eyes for Lucas to feel comfortable keeping anything in his bedroom.

“Done,” he said with a triumphant smile, adjusting his glasses and getting to his feet. Sarah moved Julian to the floor and did the same, brushing down her skirt. Her outfits had grown looser and more flowing since having the triplets, who had permanently changed her body. There were times that she had considered having surgery, which her sister-in-law Martha had done after her triplet pregnancy: the only thing holding her back was the inability to justify spending thousands just to feel better in her own skin.

“Want to head off?” she asked, hoisting Julian onto her hip when he reached up his arms to her. Lucas lifted his bag onto his shoulder and nodded.

“Let’s go.”

*

Asher’s house was in a state of disarray, his things sprawled out in the hall as they made their way to the car. He was haphazardly trying to stuff a duvet and a couple of pillows into a bag while Ishaana hauled one of his cases into the boot. She spotted Lucas first, waving and grinning at him and Sarah.

“Hey guys!” she called out, using all of her energy to shove the bag into the car. “Sorry it’s a bit chaotic – you know us.”

Lucas was well acquainted with the homely mess of the Knight household. Even with only four of them living in a huge house, they still managed to produce an awful lot of clutter. Paintings leant against walls, yet to be hung or stored away, and the hallway was a sea of shoes in all sizes and styles.

“Hey, Ishy,” Sarah said when she got out, waving with her keys in her hand. “I won’t intrude for long, just dropping Lucas off. How’s it going?”

Ishaana leant back with her hands on her hips and sighed. “Busy,” she said with a laugh, wicking sweat from her forehead with a swipe of her hand. “Everything’s been so hectic recently and you know us, a bunch of procrastinators. You’d have thought I’d get even more done when I’m not at work but you don’t want to see the kitchen.”

After Bishop’s diagnosis, Ishaana had taken an indefinite leave of absence from work. If she wanted, neither of them would ever have to work another day in their life: her job was just a hobby by now, something she did because she loved doing it, but home called louder than her company. She had the freedom to be around for Sadie, whose attachment issues were fading in favour of taking up every extra-curricular activity possible.

In the three weeks since she had started Year One, she had joined three different after-school clubs – football on a Monday; gardening on a Wednesday and dance on a Friday – and on Tuesdays and Thursdays, she went swimming with her mother after school. She couldn’t bear to see her father so ill. She idolised Bishop, the only man she had ever known as her dad.

“Asher’s inside, hun,” Ishaana said to Lucas, giving him half a hug when he passed her by. “Hey, want me to put this in the car?”

“Oh, yeah, thanks,” he said, handing her his bag. “Thanks, Ishy.”

“No problemo,” she said. “Oh, can you make sure Sadie’s got her bag?”

“Is she coming?” he asked, looking into the car. It was a big car but Asher had a lot of stuff; it would be a squeeze.

“Yeah,” Ishaana said with a sigh. “I don’t want to cramp you boys’ style but Bishop’s having a pretty shitty day so the last thing he needs is a five-year-old dancing around the house making noise.”

Lucas’s face fell a little. He was sure his heart broke a little more each time he visited Asher only to see Bishop passed out or throwing up. Chemotherapy had hit him hard, stealing his hair and his mood. In five months, he had shed more weight than he had ever needed to and the drugs that coursed through his veins to save his life had crushed his spirit, but his family had only seen his tears once: the day his wife had helped him shave his head.

Ishaana saw the look on Lucas’s face and gave him a soft smile, squeezing his shoulder. “He’ll be ok,” she said. “He’s just in week one of a cycle right now. Aaron’s home today to look after him while we’re out. Don’t worry.”

The three week cycles were rough. The first week was misery, rendering him virtually bedbound. The second was an improvement; by the third there were times he felt back to normal. Then it started over again.

Lucas left the two to talk, heading inside. “Asher?”

Sadie bolted down the hallway towards Lucas, wrapping him in a tight hug. “Hi Luca!”

“Hey, Sadie,” he said, hugging her back. “Do you know where Asher is?”

“In his room,” she said.

“Have you packed your bag?”

She nodded and swivelled around to show off the little blue backpack she was wearing, covered in rockets and stars. “Come on.” She took his hand and pulled him over to the stairs, leading him up to her brother’s room. Inside, Asher was getting changed. He stood in front of his dresser in a t-shirt and his underwear, looking for a pair of trousers.

“Hey,” Lucas said. He didn’t hear. “Asher?”

“Ashie!” Sadie cried out. That got her brother’s attention. He swung around, surprised at the sudden noise before elation took over his features.

“Hey,” he said with that smile that could melt Lucas’s heart and reduce his knees to jelly. He rested a hand on Lucas’s waist as he greeted him with a soft kiss that stole his breath. “How long have you been there?”

“Only a few seconds,” Lucas said, his smile spreading as though Asher’s had infected his lips. “Things seem a little crazy round here.”

Asher snorted a laugh and ran his hand through his hair. He had let it grow out a little more than normal, almost meeting the level of Lucas’s flop over his forehead. “You don’t say. I’m pretty much done. Just need to find my bloody jeans.”

“Asher!” Sadie cried out with a gasp. “Don’t swear!”

He chuckled and sprung one of her curls. “Sorry, stinky.”

“You need to put a pound in the jar.”

He couldn’t protest when he had told his mother the same thing when he was Sadie’s age. Even now he made her add a pound to the jar any time she swore in front of him. Her language had been a little worse recently, though she didn’t know he had heard her late night expostulations when she had curled up in the conservatory and ranted over the phone to her best friend.

“I will,” he said. “When we go downstairs. Are you ready, smellybutt?”

Sadie wrinkled her nose at him. “I’m not smelly. I had a bath with Mummy this morning!”

Asher rolled his eyes with a laugh. “Ok, but are you ready? Cause we gotta go pretty soon.”

She nodded and then shook her head. “I don’t wanna go. Can I stay?”

“Nope,” Asher said. He found his jeans, almost falling over when he tugged them on.

“Why?”

“Cause Dad’s sick. He needs to rest, so he needs peace and quiet,” he said, “but we’ll go to the beach. It’ll be fun. We’ll just dump my stuff in my room and go down to the beach. Maybe we’ll go to the pier.” He smiled and held out his fist for her to bump. “It’ll be fun, I promise.”

“Ok.” She sounded a little unsure.

“Go give Mum your bag. We’ll be down in a sec.”

Sadie skipped off downstairs, quietening her footsteps when she reached the ground floor so as not to disturb her father. Once the boys were alone, Asher smiled and reached for Lucas’s hand.

“Hey,” he said again, pulling him over for a soft hug, their bodies tangled together for longer this time. They held each other, a thousand words spoken by their embrace. “Thanks for coming today.” His words brushed against Lucas’s cheek before their noses bumped together, their lips clumsily meeting.

“I wouldn’t miss it.”

“Thank you,” Asher murmured, his words so low that he could hardly hear himself speak them, though he could feel the vibration of his vocal chords as though he was in a deafening concert, too loud to hear himself think. But the room was silent.

“Are you ready?” Lucas asked.

“Mmhmm. We need to go,” he said. “I just need to say goodbye to Dad. He was really bummed that he couldn’t come today.”

“I’m sorry,” Lucas said.

Asher shrugged. “It’s ok,” he said. It was anything but. “He said he’ll try to come down next week if he’s feeling up for it. Maybe the week after. We’ll see how it goes.” With a confident smile, he squeezed Lucas’s hand. “Let’s go.”

The conservatory had become a bit of a recovery room over the past few months. Bishop lay on the sofa beneath a blanket, wearing a jumper with the hood up to hide the baldness he hated. After decades of wearing his hair long, it had been a shock to lose it all. His dry lips were chapped, his cheeks sunken, and there was a greyish hue to his dark skin. Each breath was laboured, trying to control the nausea that ruled him for half of each cycle.

“Hey, Dad,” Asher said quietly. “We’re about to head off. I just wanted to say bye before we go.”

Bishop gave him a tired smile. “I hope you have a great time, Ash,” he said. His voice was hoarse. “I’m sorry I can’t come down today.”

“Hey, no, it’s fine. You just chill out,” Asher said with a smile. “Aaron’s got you covered. We’ll send you pics later.”

“Mmm, do.” His heavy eyelids closed, laden breaths slowly filling and emptying his lungs. “I love you, Ash.”

“I love you too, Dad. I’ll see you soon.” He squeezed his father’s hand and bent down to hug him. “Don’t go too crazy without us.”

Bishop let out a dry, pained laugh. “I’ll try.”

The car was packed. Everyone was ready with a whole minute to spare. Ishaana left one of her cards for Aaron, just in case, and made sure Sadie was clipped into her car seat. She sat in the back with her daughter, letting Asher drive so he and Lucas could sit together in the front. Asher wrapped his hands around the wheel, running his fingers over the thick stitches.

“Well,” he said as he pulled out of the drive. “Here goes.”

*

After a morning of chaos, it didn’t take too long to unload everything from the car into Asher’s new flat. Most of the time was wasted lugging bags and boxes up two flights of stairs to his second floor flat, the three adults doing all the heavy lifting while Sadie took it upon herself to introduce herself to as many of her brother’s new flatmates as she could find. Considering he would be living on a floor with eighteen bedrooms, there were quite a few people for her to meet and greet.

In less than an hour, after taking four hours to drive down, his room was a virtual replica of his room at home – though this one was tidier, as Lucas had made sure. He had thrown away rubbish as it was made, packages and wrappings that Asher discarded, and he had organised the clothes in his wardrobe, much to Ishaana’s amusement.

It was just about one o’clock when the four of them left to head down to the shore. Asher’s flat was ideally located just a few streets away, hardly a five minute walk down to the promenade with the pier at the end, the bright lights of the fairground-type rides flashing at the far end, suspended over the sea that lazily rolled over the stony beach.

“Can I have a piggy back?” Sadie asked no-one in particular. Asher crouched down and she grinned as she climbed onto his back, her arms around his neck and her knees around her waist.

“You alright back there?”

“Yes!” she cried out, giddy with glee. The sea air had put a smile on all their faces. Farnleigh was almost as far as it was possible to get from a beach in England: it was something of a novelty to have the salty breeze pushing lazy fingers through their hair. Ishaana’s flip-flops clacked against the pavement, her hair blowing behind her as the warm September sun glossed their faces.

Lucas had changed into shorts, pairing the beige bermudas with a polo shirt in his favourite shade of purple. He walked hand in hand with Asher, who used his other hand to hold his sister’s feet.

“I’ve got a question for you two,” Ishaana said. Lucas automatically felt guilty as though there was anything he could possibly have done.

“Shoot,” Asher said.

“D’you know if Aaron’s seeing anyone?” she asked. “Not that it matters either way, it’s just that he’s twenty-four and he’s never brought a girl home and I was wondering if that’s because there aren’t any or he just doesn’t bring them home.”

“I don’t think there are any girls,” Asher said. “None that I know about, anyway.” He shrugged. “Maybe there’s a boy.”

Ishaana raised her eyebrows. “Ooh,” she said. “Now there’s an idea. You think he’s gay?”

Asher snorted. “I don’t know, Mum. I was kidding. I’ve got no idea.”

“What does your gaydar tell you?”

He laughed; Lucas cringed. “Nothing,” he said. “But mine’s not very reliable – it didn’t tell me I was bi for nineteen years, so I wouldn’t trust it on anyone else.”

Ishaana glanced over at Lucas and wiggled her eyebrows at him. “Got any intel?”

He blushed. “Um, no,” he said. “I have no idea. Why?”

“Oh, no reason really,” she said. “Whatever floats his boat and all that. I was just interested. But if you do have any idea, let me know.”

“You’re terrible, Mum.”

“I just want the odds!” she said, as though that made it any better. “It’s about time your dad and I made a bet.”

Lucas suppressed a smile. “Do you guys bet on everything?” he asked.

“Everything,” Asher said, his voice severe.

She chuckled but she shook her head. “Not quite,” she said, swatting her son’s arm. “Dad tried to bet me that he’d kick cancer but I wouldn’t take that one because there’s no way in hell I’d ever bet against that,” she said. “I know he will.” Then she shrugged. “And if he doesn’t, I’ll get everything anyway.”

Lucas sucked in a sharp breath. He would never quite get used to Ishaana’s dark humour, one that Bishop shared when he was feeling well. Their approach to dealing with tragedy had been to make light of it.

“Mum,” Asher said, tutting. “You’re so bad, oh my God.”

“Hey!” she cried out. “Your dad’s the one who pulls the cancer card any time he doesn’t want to do something!”

Asher raised one eyebrow at her. Sadie looked over at her too.

“You do that too, Mummy,” she said. Ishaana let out a slightly awkward laugh. She had grown so used to her sons being so grown up now that even after three years as Sadie’s mother, she forgot sometimes how much little ears could pick up.

“I repeat – you’re terrible, Mum.”

*

The beach was quiet on that late September Saturday, plenty of space for Ishaana to spread out the blanket she had brought down with them. Although summer was over, the last of the sun remained, warm enough for them to lie down and enjoy it without the breeze getting too cold. Asher carried Sadie all the way down to the uneven pebbles that made up the shore, almost dropping her when he stumbled over a rock and she jumped down to save herself.

“You guys get settled,” Ishaana said, “and I’ll go and get fish and chips for four.”

“Ooh,” Asher said. “Living out the cliche, huh? Fish and chips on the beach?”

Ishaana grinned. “Living out the dream, aren’t we?” she said as she left. Fish and chips was a treat that Asher had hardly ever had when he was growing up thanks to his father’s fish allergy: he’d never had fish until Sarah had once made him a tuna jacket potato when he’d gone over to Lucas’s for a sleepover.

“I wanna come,” Sadie said, jumping up to take her mother’s hand.

“You can be my little donkey, honey,” Ishaana said, swinging her daughter’s hand as they headed off to find fish and chips. It wasn’t hard when the promenade was packed with restaurants, takeaways and kitsch little beach shops that sold jars of shells and cheesy canvas prints.

Asher and Lucas lay down side by side on the blanket, staring up at the blue sky. There was hardly a cloud in sight, the horizon a pale powder blue that darkened to cornflower right above them. When Lucas put his hand over Asher’s, Asher turned his over so their palms met, their fingers slowly lacing together.

“I love it here,” Lucas said. He liked the clean, stony beach where no sand could get between his toes; he liked the eccentric people all around him who gave the city its liberal reputation; he loved that he now had an excuse to come back over and over again.

“Me too,” Asher said. “I’m excited.”

Lucas turned his cheek against the blanket. “Me too.”

“I can’t wait to taste uni life.” He took a deep breath, slowly letting it out. “I thought that moving to uni would make me appreciate my family more but the cancer’s taken care of that.”

“Asher.”

“I mean it. I’m not being flippant – I really mean that. I know it’s horrible but there’s that positive side, at least. Aaron’s been home more; Dylan’s come over more too. We’ve got closer since Dad’s been sick. I’m not sure how much he likes it – he said it makes him feel like he’s dying when we’re all home.”

Lucas unconsciously tightened his grip on Asher’s hand, trying not to let his emotions get the better of him when it wasn’t his own father they were talking about. He didn’t know how Asher was so calm in the face of his father’s mortality: he was sure he would be a permanent mess if he found out that Floyd was suffering from the same disease.

“I love you,” Asher said, so casually. “I know I say that all the time but I know it so deeply and I’ve only realised it more and more, seeing how shit things can get. I don’t want to wait until things are shit to tell you how much I love you. I want to tell you that every day because I do and I will.”

Lucas shifted to rest his cheek on Asher’s chest, his eyes closed. He listened to the beat of his heart. “I love you too,” he said. “I always have. That will never change.” He tipped his head back a little to kiss his boyfriend’s chin. The tickle made Asher laugh. He wrapped his arm around Lucas, holding him close.

“This year’s going to be so weird, isn’t it?” he mused. “I’ve had such a chilled year and now I’m going to be so busy all of a sudden. I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“You are. Of course you are,” Lucas said. He had to make a conscious effort not to murmur his words, part of him wishing Asher would just accept that he needed help with his hearing. “And I’m just a train ride away.”

“Did you know London’s halfway between us now?” He idly ran his hand over Lucas’s back, soft fingers tracing patterns over his shirt. “I was looking up the route and to get to here, you’d have to change in London.”

“Maybe that’ll become our new favourite city,” Lucas said. “I can see you in half the time if we both go to London.”

Asher smiled, the sun on his lips. “My thoughts exactly.”

When Ishaana came back with fish and chips, the boys had to untangle themselves from the lazy, comfortable embrace to sit up and eat. Sadie sat between her mother’s knees, her head against her chest as she munched on the thick, crispy chips with her hands while Lucas took the opposite approach, using a plastic knife and fork to cut up his fish in its packet to avoid getting the grease on his fingers.

Asher laughed as he watched him. “I love how you eat your chips with a fork,” he said. “You’re so cute.”

“Adorable,” Ishaana added, stealing one of her daughter’s chips when she wasn’t looking. The two of them were sharing a portion when she knew Sadie would barely finish a quarter of the huge slab of fish and the mountain of chips, though Sadie had taken ownership of the food.

“So, stinky,” Asher said, “was I right? Is today fun?”

She nodded, her mouth full of masticated potato. “I like the sea,” she said. Her feet were wet; so were her mother’s. They had got sidetracked by the ocean on their way back from the chippy, splashing in the gentle waves that lapped their toes. Lucas wished he could bring himself to like it. He loved the idea of paddling in the shallows with his boyfriend, walking barefoot along the shore and as much as he had grown and as far as he had come, he wasn’t there yet.

*

While Ishaana and Sadie wandered off to explore the quirky shops down North Laine, Asher and Lucas headed off in their own direction with their hands laced together. In Brighton, they didn’t stand out like a sore thumb the way they did back home. Nobody cared what they did or what they looked like and without a single piercing, tattoo or brush of hair dye between them, they were positively ordinary against the canvas of bright splashes and jewels.

“You should get one of those for your bed,” Lucas joked, nodding his head at a huge pride flag in one shop window, each of the rainbow stripes as wide as the length of his forearm. “It’d make a nice throw.”

“Why get one of those,” Asher murmured, “when I could just throw you on my bed?” He nuzzled Lucas’s cheek, kissing his jaw. Nobody batted an eye. Lucas grinned, no trace of a blush on his cheeks. No-one cared. No-one stared. He kissed him back, his confidence growing.

“Be my guest.”

They walked for what felt like hours, trailing up and down the streets as they lost themselves in the city that welcomed them with open arms, curling them into its warm embrace like a mother cradling a long lost child. Lucas felt free, as though he belonged right there and right then, Asher’s hand in his as they walked with no aim. They didn’t need a goal; they had nowhere to be, no deadline clawing at their backs.

After another thirty minutes, they wound their way back to the North Laine and found Ishaana sitting outside a cafe with a very weary Sadie slumped on her lap.

“Hey, boys,” she said with a smile, stroking Sadie’s hair as she sipped a coffee. “I think someone’s a little sleepy.”

“I’m not tired,” Sadie mumbled, though it was far from convincing. While Asher and Lucas had sunbathed, she had splashed in the sea for almost an hour after they had eaten and now as the time closed in on five o’clock in the afternoon and the sun began its slow descent towards the horizon, she was waning.

“No, of course not,” Ishaana said with a laugh. The little girl was practically asleep on her. “I think Sades and I are going to head home. It’d be nice to get back for nine, make sure your dad’s doing alright.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Asher said. “Thanks so much for bringing us down, Mum.”

“Of course, babes. It’s been so nice to come down. I’m very excited you’re going to be here for the next three years – like I need an excuse to want to come down to Brighton!” She set down her mug, beckoning for Asher to come over so she could hug him and kiss his cheek. “I’ll be back with Dad as soon as we can make it down. I know how much he wants to see your place.”

“Whenever, really,” Asher said, hugging her over Sadie. “Don’t worry about it.”

“We’ll be down,” she said. “Sleepybutt and I are going to go back to the car.” She set Sadie down and stood, though it was only a few seconds before she realised she would be carrying her little girl back to the car. She heaved a sigh as she lifted her up onto her hip. “Love you, Ash. You too, Lucas.” She hugged him as well. “I hope you two have a fab weekend. Let me know if you need anything and I’ll bring it when Dad and I come down.”

“Thanks. Bye, Mum. Love you.”

“Love you more,” she said, waving the boys off as she shifted Sadie on her waist and adjusted her bag on her shoulder. “Bye!”

“Bye, Ishy. Bye, Sadie,” Lucas said, waving goodbye. When they were gone, he turned to Asher who took his hand. “Let’s see what we can find.”

*

They found a quiet spot in a quiet park, an oasis amongst the busy city life. Couples lay around on the grass or sloped together on benches; a guitarist played impressive tunes. Lucas and Asher found a secluded bench, semi-shaded by an elegant willow tree. Asher rustled in his pocket and took out two mini bags of Haribo. Lucas laughed.

“How do you always have those?”

“My mum filled an entire drawer with them,” Asher said. “You didn’t see that? The bottom drawer of my nightstand is entirely mini bags of Haribos.”

“What’s the top drawer?”

Asher winked. “I took care of the top drawer myself.”

Lucas felt a flower blossom in his belly. He nestled closer to Asher and kissed him, unashamed to display his affection in public when everyone else was doing it too. Asher tipped his head at one couple lying on the grass together.

“We might be about to witness a felony,” he joked. The two had been getting a little frisky for a while now, the man’s hand slowly riding higher and higher up his girlfriend’s thigh. Lucas turned away, his cheeks going pink. Asher put his arm around his shoulders and kissed his forehead.

“I love this city,” he said. “I know we’ve only been here for a day but God, I love it so much.” He gazed out over the garden, casting his eyes around the last of the summer flowers, the first of the autumn colours beginning to show. “Maybe we’ll live here someday.”

Lucas looked up at him, his heart bubbling. “Do you think about that kind of stuff?”

“The future?” Asher asked, and he nodded. “Yeah. All the time.”

“Really?” His smile grew like an unfurling petal.

“Of course. Don’t you?”

“I do,” Lucas said. “I just didn’t realise you did too. What do you think about?”

Asher shrugged. “I think about graduating from uni and moving in with you. I think about you working for my mum’s company someday; I think about what I want to do. I just, I don’t know, I like to think about the future sometimes, about what our lives are going to look like in a year or five, or ten.”

“So do I,” Lucas said. He had been thinking about the future since he was four. He was living in the future of his past, playing out the dream he’d had for so many years.

“But forget all that,” Asher said. “Future us can deal with that. You want to know what I’m thinking about right now?”

Lucas nodded. Asher smiled, his cheek pushing against Lucas’s temple.

“You.”

+ – + – +

i hope you liked this chapter! not quite as heavy as the last one! i hope to get a couple of updates out this weekend – sorry for the delay with the last couple. i’m hanging out in london tomorrow so i hope to get one written, and on sunday i have 11 hours of trains to meet my family in wales – ideally that’ll be chapter time, and it is also my block party post day so i’ll be very active! however, my block party teaser is for AYK which has now been pushed back a little. my next book after HOH is Little Spoon. After that is now Turning Point! 

have another lucas gif – i just can’t get enough of him (lee jong suk, if you didn’t catch the cast update a couple of weeks ago!) i’m not entirely sure what the gif is but … we can imagine, eh? ;)