“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I said with my eyes on the ceiling.
“You have to, Scott it’s your best friend. You can’t hide this from him,” said Faye lying next to me on the bed, with her eyes on the ceiling as well.
“What if he… what if he doesn’t take it… I don’t know.”
“Come on, Riley, he’s your best friend. He’s just gonna thank you for confiding in him and he’ll support you. We both know that. Scott is a great guy.”
“I guess.”
It had been two months since Rosie and I had broken up and Faye had convinced me it was a good idea to tell Scott I’m gay. She didn’t really convince me, she just put the idea on the table and I considered it for a long time before accepting it had to be done. Scott and I know each other since we were nine. I couldn’t push him away like this simply because I am a coward that won’t publically admit her sexual orientation. Faye didn’t see it that way. She thought it was normal not wanting the world to know. It’s not like they take it well, is it? But she also thought I should trust in the people closest to me, that’s why I keep them around, because I trust them, even with this.
The next day at school, I told Scott we had to speak. And I used that word: ‘speak’, because I believed it would let him know this was important. I told him we could go to Juxcy after school. A small place with about ten tables that sells the best juices and shakes in the world.
We arrived at three PM, I asked for a blueberry, coconut and vanilla shake. Scott asked for a strawberry, ginger and cinnamon juice. We sat on the corner were we could be alone and no one would listen to our conversation.
“So, talk to me, Ry. What’s up?”
I took a sip of my shake “This is kind of serious.”
“Yeah, no shit. You’re shivering, man. Come on. Just tell me.”
I breathed in deep, trying to relax the muscles of my back and my arms. Okay, here goes nothing, “I’m gay.”
Scott stopped zipping his juice. His eyes looked up at me as if he was waiting for me to continue or say something else, maybe that it was a joke and he’d fallen right into it. But when I said nothing else, he stopped drinking, raised a brow and asked “That’s it?”
“Yeah… I guess.”
“Man, come on. I already knew that. I also knew about you and Rosie. And I’m guessing you guys broke up because I haven’t seen her or heard about her in a few months.”
“You knew?”
“Of course. Although, if I must be honest, I thought you would end up dating Faye.”
I felt a shock of electricity running up and down my spine. “Faye?”
“Yeah, I mean, you guys would make the cutest couple ever.”
I never thought about Faye that way. Perhaps not never, but our friendship was too important for me to risk losing it out of a whim. Whenever I looked at Faye changing into her pajamas and my legs started shaking, I ignored it. When she smiled at me and I felt a warm sensation in the pit of my chest, when she held my hand and my mouth went dry I ignored it, too.
“Nah, I love her but… we’re just friends.”
“No, I know but I’m just saying that if you weren’t, you would be great together.” I started playing with my hands on the table and Scott knows that is my sign of ‘I am nervous’, so he stopped and changed the direction of the conversation “If you want, I can hook you up with some girls I know.”
“What?”
“Come on. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the way some girls at school look at you. I can arrange something.”
I laughed and said “Fine. Whatever.”
I thought it was a joke, a joke Scott took too seriously. He recruited Faye to help him out. Two people who knew my likes and dislikes were better than one, right? Scott would find a pretty girl who had things in common with me and then Faye would give her the approval. Only one problem with that. Faye didn’t approve of any of them. Too loud, too quiet, too talkative, not talkative enough, too big, too thin, too funny, too serious. There seemed to always be something wrong with one of them, but I didn’t understand what was happening until Faye came to my place to work on a science project we had together.
We took a break and while I went downstairs to get us something to drink, she used my laptop to get into her Facebook.
When I came back, she closed the Facebook tab and said she had to go to the bathroom. I was curious, I know when she’s hiding something from me. I’m always able to tell. I placed the two glasses with Coke on my desk and opened another Facebook tab.
What Faye didn’t know is that I have Facebook set to not close automatically after you close the tab, so when I entered Facebook her profile opened up. Her profile pic was a selfie we had taken three weeks before that when we went to the beach. We were cheek to cheek while she laughed and I hugged her close. I couldn’t help but smile.
I forced myself to focus, I could see that picture anytime, I needed to know what she was hiding from me. And I found it on her messages. She had a full conversation with Scott about how to ruin the girls he was listing as possible hook ups or maybe even more.
Scott Keane: Man, just tell her the truth already! Grow a pair.
Faye Burton: Shut up! I can’t tell her. What if she… I don’t know.
Scott Keane: Faye, you need to stop playing the cowardly game where I find someone for her and then you tell her they all have unforgivable flaws instead of just being honest with her!
Faye Burton: Then what do I do?
Scott Keane: Tell her for God’s Sake!
I couldn’t read what Faye wrote next because she walked in and I looked at her in such a way she knew something was wrong.
“What?” she asked with her eyes on me. Then on the computer.
“You’re sabotaging me?” I asked. Before she had time to deny it, even though I really don’t think she would’ve, I flipped the laptop over so she could see I read the conversation.
“What are you doing in my Facebook? That’s private!”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m the worst. We’ll deal with that later. You’re sabotaging me?”
Faye’s angry expression melted, as if she was too ashamed to look at me. My felt my heart heavy inside my chest when I saw her tears streaming down her face. She remained silent with her eyes on the floor, hugging herself.
“I never said anything out of respect, you know?” she started “I thought if I said it maybe you would pull away from me. And then, when I found out you were gay I was so happy… until I found out you already had Rosie. So I swallowed it again, and now Scott wants to find you a new girlfriend and I can’t deal with that again.”
I took a step forward and she took a step backward. “What are you saying?” Looking back, that was a stupid question. I knew what she was saying but my brain was in shock, so that was the most intelligent thing it came up with.
Faye breathed in and let it out “I’ve been in love with you since I can remember.”
“You… you are?” I raised my voice, I didn’t mean to, but I did “Then why didn’t you say anything?”
“I was afraid, alright?” she rose her voice too and before we knew it, we were yelling “I was afraid I would lose you and… You think I don’t know? Yeah, I should’ve said something but I’m a coward! I’m sorry.”
Faye burst out of the house and my first impulse was to go after her, but to tell her what? I was confronted with the one thing I had been avoiding my whole life. My feelings for Faye.
We avoided each other at school for two weeks. The guys knew but they didn’t ask. I didn’t know how to speak to my best friend. Someone I had known my whole life, how was I going to fix this. I needed help, I needed advice, so I called the only person who could give me that advice.
“Hello?” I heard her voice and I couldn’t help but smiling.
“Hey, Rosie.”
“Riley Brenan,” she said, genuinely glad to talk to me “How are you?”
“Great… not so great. Well… Jesus, I don’t know.”
“It finally happened, didn’t it?”
“What’d you mean?”
“Faye told you.”
“You knew?”
“That was the reason I broke up with you. Actually, no, the reason I broke up with you it’s because you feel the same way.”
“No, I don’t.” It was a reflex, I didn’t stop to think if it was true.
“How many times have you said that to yourself? That it’s just a very deep friendship?”
I sighed “A lot.”
“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” I told her, everything, from the moment I told Scott, to the part where Faye said she was in love with me. “Riley, honey, there’s only one question that matters. Do you want to be with her? I mean, really be with her? Just imagine it. Imagine going to the movies holding hands, sharing one blanket on a picnic, kissing at the end of the night. Do you want that?”
I closed my eyes and imagine all of those situations. I imagined us taking a walk in the park while holding hands, I imagined us sitting on a bench while she leaned her head on my shoulder. I imagined us going on a picnic, feeding her strawberries with chocolate and laughing because she got chocolate all over her face. I imagined us, under the rain looking up, knowing we would get soaked but it didn’t matter because we were together. We would look at each other as the rain drops damped our hair. I imagined pulling her closer and kissing her, just a touch, a caress but it was enough, because we had all the time in the world to be together.
“Yes.” I answered.
“Then ask her out. A nice restaurant, or a night under the stars, or bowling. Whatever you two enjoy… go to her home and ask her out.”
I nodded to myself “Yeah, I’ll do that. Rosie? I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s fine. Good luck, Riley.”
She hung up and made a plan. I had three ideas in mind, three ideas that would drive her equally insane, but the main question was, would it be romantic enough for her to understand that I wanted to take the risk? The first idea was to go to Portland, probably the zoo, but I didn’t think it was romantic enough for a first date. The second idea was to go watch a movie and even though it had the potential to be romantic enough, I went with the third idea.
I didn’t speak to Faye in school the next day. I didn’t want to ruin it. Maybe I would get nervous and I would let it out without meaning to and I was working too hard to let my stupid impulsiveness get the better of me. But on lunch, I asked Scott to lend me his car on Saturday. He asked if it was about Faye, I nodded and he gave me the keys with a smile.
On Friday afternoon, at about six PM, I knocked on the Burton’s door.
“Riley,” Mrs. Burton commented “I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I know, I’ve been busy. Is Faye home?”
“Come on in. Faye’s in her bedroom. She’s been a little quiet lately.”
I didn’t make any comments about that. I went upstairs and knocked on her door.
“Busy, mom.”
“Uh, actually, it’s me.”
I couldn’t hear any movement inside her bedroom for a moment. Then I heard her stand up and slowly walk up to the door. “Hey…” she said with a soft and insecure voice when she opened.
“Hey… can I, uh, can I come in?” I had never asked if I could come in before, so this was off to a bad start.
She nodded and stepped aside. She closed the door behind her and stood still, not knowing what to do next. This is it.
“Listen… uh, well, I mean…” I had to get my shit together if I wanted to do it.
“What?”
“There’s a bonfire this Saturday on the beach. Drinks, music and the stars and I was wondering if… maybe you wanted to―”
“Yes,” she said so fast I think she didn’t even know she’d answer until the words had already left her mouth.
“Really?” The load on my shoulders was lifted. I felt as if I could finally catch my breath again.
“Yeah, I’d love to go on a date. Wait… It is a date, right?”
“Yeah, yeah.” I rushed to answer “It’s a date.”
She sighed with relief and smiled “Great.”
“Great.” I replied. I licked my lips nervously. I had to get going or I would have ruined it. “Okay so, I’ll pick you up on Saturday. How about six PM?”
“Sounds great.”
“Great.”
“Great.”
“Okay, I’ll see you on Saturday.”
“Yup.” She said nodded fast. Just as nervous as I was.
“Great.”
“Great.”
I walked out thinking I had never in my life had a more wonderfully awkward moment. I had also never being so happy. I got myself a date.
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