Xiao Jin slept in a dazed state for a long time. Sleeping on soft bedding, she rarely had any dreams.
However, in the middle of the night, she was gently embraced by a pair of hands, and lips and nose pressed against her, touching her neck.
It was like a dragonfly skimming over water before she was lifted up and placed into a steaming hot bath.
Delicate and warm fingers lightly washed her, smoothing out her furrowed brows. A peaceful night’s sleep.
After a few more days, Xiao Jin was in the palace watching the young palace maids sweeping the snow when suddenly a series of footsteps sounded outside.
Fragments of snow fluttered into the hall as someone in a pristine white robe, with billowing sleeves, rushed in like a cloud.
Xiao Jin stared at the person with an elaborate coiled bun on her head and a faint expression of sorrow between her eyebrows.
She touched the jade ring on her finger and called out, “Aunt.”
Princess Zhao Hua stood by the threshold and walked over with hesitant steps.
When she reached Xiao Jin, she raised her trembling hand but didn’t know where to place it.
In the end, she could only hold Xiao Jin’s face and muttered, “Jin’er, don’t be afraid, Aunt is here, Aunt is here.”
Xiao Jin felt somewhat helpless being held by Princess Zhao Hua, who was almost the same age as her.
Looking at the tears welling up in the person’s eyes in front of her, who then lowered her head, struggling not to let the tears fall, Xiao Jin couldn’t help but feel a mix of laughter and tears in her heart.
Who was comforting whom in the end? With this thought in her mind, she smiled and said, “Aunt, don’t cry, I’m fine.”
Just as she called her aunt, Xiao Jin inevitably thought of another aunt.
Lost in her thoughts for a moment, she didn’t know what Princess Zhao Hua was saying anymore.
When she came back to her senses, a few more people had arrived at the threshold.
Behind Bai Zheng stood Old Zhang and Bai Zhu, standing in the snowy landscape and smiling at her.
The once desolate hall suddenly became filled with the presence of many people.
Sitting in a wheelchair, Xiao Jin received everyone’s condolences one by one, suddenly feeling like she was some kind of mascot or heavyweight leader. Familiar faces appeared before her, which should have been a good thing.
Unfortunately, Xiao Jin hadn’t spoken so much in a long time, and for a moment, it felt a bit taxing on her throat to converse with people.
She picked up a cup of tea to moisten her throat and glanced out the window, catching a glimpse of a black sleeve floating under the pagoda tree.
In an instant, it disappeared.
A month passed, and the hall underwent some changes. Bai Zheng, accompanied by Bai Qin and the girls from Yanyu Building, often played some silk and bamboo music.
Sometimes it was Han Palace Autumn Moon, and other times it was Spring Snow.
As an ordinary person, Xiao Jin naturally couldn’t discern the difference between the two.
Bai Zhu and Old Zhang took their seats on the side, knowing nothing about music, but simply acting as emotionless applause machines.
After the girls playing the pipa put down their instruments, they became lively and unrestrained, surrounding Xiao Jin and giggling, “Your Highness, Your Highness, which piece do you like?”
Xiao Jin was at a loss for words and casually replied, “I like them all.”
But when she saw the Empress walking straight into the hall, she instantly changed her words without changing her expression, “I like Chang xiang si (Longing for You).”
That night, between the curtains of the bed, Chu Shao picked up a flute and played Chang xiang si for a long time.
The tune was the same as before, but the person playing the flute had become more skilled, using a jade flute to tease Xiao Jin, making her slightly annoyed.
She couldn’t even pretend to gasp for mercy, raising her hand to grab Chu Shao’s moist fingertips. “That’s enough, Shao’er.”
“Are you going to court tomorrow?”
Chu Shao pushed away Xiao Jin’s hand, held the flute, and inserted it a few inches further, smiling as she said, “Your Highness, I don’t plan on attending court tomorrow.”
“What about the day after tomorrow?”
“Neither will I attend.”
Xiao Jin’s vision went dark, and she advised Chu Shao, “Your Majesty, you should be diligent. If you continue to be absent-minded like this, I’m afraid the country won’t perish, but I will perish first.”
Hearing Xiao Jin’s joking words, Chu Shao was willing to play along and said softly, “You must not die. If you die, I will have no choice but to follow you.”
Observing Chu Shao’s expression, Xiao Jin couldn’t help but feel that she wasn’t joking.
She said seriously, “Alright, Your Majesty.”
“Don’t follow me in death. I fear that when I descend into the Yellow Springs, the people of Yao Country will block me at the Naihe Bridge and curse me as a calamity to the country, preventing me from crossing the river.”
At night, there were occasional sounds of falling snow.
Xiao Jin woke up from her dream and opened her eyes, only to find Chu Shao leaning on the bed, looking at her by the moonlight.
It dawned on her that perhaps many times, Chu Shao hadn’t been sleeping.
Xiao Jin understood without asking for the reasons behind it.
A smile appeared in Chu Shao’s eyes as she raised her hand to wipe the sweat from her forehead.
She was the first to speak, asking, “What did Your Highness dream about?”
After a moment’s pause, Xiao Jin said, “I dreamt of a snow-covered mountain and a cliff.”
“A cliff?”
Chu Shao smiled and said, “It’s just a mountain peak and a cliff. Your Highness, why are you frowning?”
Xiao Jin touched her brow and said frankly, “I don’t know either.”
She just felt that everything was like a dream, and she believed that one day, when she could no longer continue the dream, she would find that cliff where she could jump and wake up from the dream.
Another year passed, and summer arrived quickly.
The pagoda trees in the courtyard bloomed, and Chu Shao pushed Xiao Jin in a wheelchair to see them.
Xiao Jin raised her hand, and her fingertips brushed over the soft white flowers.
If it rained at this moment, it would resemble the chaotic and enchanting night at the mountain villa.
Old Zhang carried a large bamboo basket with a lid and kept moving back and forth, busy collecting the pagoda flowers that Xiao Jin and Chu Shao shook down.
He shouted, “Your Highness, Your Majesty… that’s enough, it’s already enough… there are so many, enough to make several barrels of wine.”
“Hey! Your Highness, why are you still shaking? This basket is only so big, it can’t hold much more.”
The wine made from pagoda flowers had a refreshing taste.
Although the wine was good, the two of them made too much and couldn’t possibly finish it. Chu Shao, who rarely displayed generosity, unexpectedly set up a banquet in the palace, allowing everyone to enjoy it.
Princess Zhao Hua drank the wine, and tears appeared on her usually proud face. Her voice trembled as she spoke about Fengxuan and Zhao Yang.
Ye Juege lowered her eyes, drinking silently.
Even after enduring all the bitterness in her heart and having it twisted and squeezed, she still managed to squeeze out a smile.
She pointed to the full moon in the sky and said to Xiao Jin, “Your Highness, look, we have beautiful moonlight tonight.”
Bai Zhu and Old Zhang sat on the steps, drinking wine and seemingly gazing towards the direction of Qi Country.
Finally, Bai Zheng stood up, wiped away the tears at the corner of her eyes, and smiled at Xiao Jin, saying, “Your Highness, I raise a glass to you.”
Xiao Jin asked, “What are you toasting to me for?”
Bai Zheng thought for a moment and said a playful phrase to liven up the atmosphere, “Toasting to each passing year, year after year.”
Xiao Jin raised her glass and drank it all.
She said, “Thank you, Miss Bai.”
The banquet dispersed, and only Chu Shao remained by Xiao Jin’s side. It had always been like this, and it would always be like this.
Moonlight shone on the bamboo leaves, casting flickering and mottled shadows.
The night wind was calm, and the surface of the pond shimmered with a faint light.
Chu Shao pushed the wheelchair, and her voice melted into the fragrance of flowers.
She said, “There are lotus flowers in the pond. They were sent from Dongling and were just planted.”
Xiao Jin looked towards the floating moonlight on the water’s surface and nodded, saying, “Not only lotus flowers, but there is also the moon.”
As she said that, she picked up a stone from the ground and threw it towards the center of the lake.
The moon in the pond shattered into fragments.
Xiao Jin watched the broken brightness in the water and said to Chu Shao, “Shao’er, the lotus flowers in the pond are real, but the moon in the water is actually fake.”
Chu Shao stopped in her tracks.
Xiao Jin looked up at Chu Shao, her eyes filled with a calmness devoid of ripples, and said, “You brought these people here to keep me attached to Yao Country, to make me want to stay.”
“But Shao’er, if I wanted to leave, they would not be enough reason for me to stay here.”
Chu Shao met Xiao Jin’s gaze.
After a long time, She asked softly, “Your Highness, if they cannot make you stay, then what about me?”
“Would you want to accompany me?”
Xiao Jin fell silent for a moment and replied, “I want to accompany you, but I cannot stay here forever.”
“Why?” asked Chu Shao.
“Because this is not my hometown. My home is in a distant place. There, I have my family, friends, and a world that I am familiar with and deeply love.”
“Love?” Chu Shao heard that detestable word again.
“What is love?”
Xiao Jin pondered for a moment and replied, “The meaning of love is too broad, and I cannot give a definitive answer.”
Chu Shao asked, “If you cannot even answer that, how can you be sure that you truly love your hometown?”
“Because I don’t need to think or confirm it. I just know that I love my hometown very much.”
Chu Shao understood.
So, love was a stubborn and unreasonable thing.
It didn’t require thinking or confirmation.
Chu Shao didn’t need love, but at this moment, she wanted to be the person whom Xiao Jin didn’t need to confirm.
So, she asked a question that she wouldn’t normally ask.
“Do you love me?”
Xiao Jin looked into Chu Shao’s eyes and said, “I love you.”
Without hesitation.
Chu Shao paused for a moment and once again betrayed herself, asking the question that disgusted her, “How much do you love me?”
“More than anyone else in this world.”
Although she only mentioned this world and not Chu Shao’s hometown.
But Chu Shao couldn’t help but admit that when those words were spoken by the other person, they were still moving.
Even though Xiao Jin’s next words were, “But I still have to go home.”
Chu Shao was puzzled, “Why?”
Why did Xiao Jin keep saying that she loved her but then wanted to leave her?
“Because this is not my home.”
When she said those words, Xiao Jin didn’t hesitate at all.
“To me, this world is like a dream. And I am like a passerby in this place.”
“I reside here as a guest, and besides you, I have no other attachments in my heart.”
The water in the pond became still.
Chu Shao let go of the wheelchair and supported herself on the railing surrounding the pond until she saw the moon in the water become round again. Then she asked softly, “Your Highness, what about now?”
“Do you still have any attachments to me?”
Xiao Jin sat in the wheelchair, lowered her eyes, and looked at her legs that couldn’t walk, this body that didn’t belong to her, and this unfamiliar world.
Countless thoughts condensed into a sentence, “I can’t bear to part with you, but now, I want to go home.”
“Because I want freedom.”
“I don’t have freedom here.”
The edge of the pond was quiet, and in the night, the sound of the wind could faintly be heard.
Chu Shao held onto the railing with her hand, staring at the moon in the lake.
She didn’t speak until ripples appeared on the water’s surface again.
Many moments of intoxicating fragrance floated in the air.
Xiao Jin suddenly felt some regret for speaking those words just now.
Looking at Chu Shao’s hand resting on the railing, she had an inexplicable feeling that the piece of lacquered wood would soon crack between those slender fingers.
Wood chips would also scatter and splash, shattering the moon in the pond.
But in the end, it didn’t happen.
Chu Shao released her hand from the railing, turned around, and her delicate features and cold expression were reflected gently in the moonlight.
She said, “Alright.”
“Xiao Jin, whatever you want, I will give it to you. I will kill you to give you the freedom you desire.”
Xiao Jin looked into Chu Shao’s eyes.
After a while, she slowly said, “Shao’er, if you don’t want to kill me, you don’t have to force yourself. There are still other ways for me to leave this world.”
It sounded like a lie, but it was actually the truth.
Xiao Jin had long made plans.
If Chu Shao didn’t want to kill her, she had another way to leave this world.
Chu Shao asked softly, “What other way do you have?”
Xiao Jin remained silent for a long time and replied, “I can end myself. At that time, I would also have left this world.”
“But if you do that, you won’t be able to go home.”
Xiao Jin nodded, “But compared to going home, I don’t want to become the person I despise.”
“To become someone who forces others in order to fulfill my own wishes.”
Chu Shao smiled gently, “Is that so? But aren’t many people like that in the world? In the end, humans are too weak. They cannot even save themselves, let alone save others.”
Moonlight shone down, and the person in the wheelchair furrowed their brows and said, “I don’t want it, even if it’s from gods or Buddhas. They cannot save me.”
Chu Shao was momentarily stunned.
Xiao Jin looked at Chu Shao and said, “It is not humans who are weak, but the gods. Gods can save ten, a hundred, a thousand, even countless people, but they have no time to save themselves.”
“That’s why I don’t want gods or Buddhas to save me. It’s all meaningless.”
“What I want, I will get it myself. What I refuse to compromise, even if it’s the wish of thousands, cannot shake me.”
“If my life is not in my own hands, I would rather die and save myself.”
“I will save myself.”
Chu Shao gazed at Xiao Jin sitting in the wheelchair.
After a moment, her brows and eyes softened, and she smiled in the shimmering light and shadows.
“No, Your Highness, I am willing.”
“Please let me save you.”
“Killing you would be the most blissful memory of my life.”
….
Winter arrived, and it started snowing in Yao Country once again.
The world was covered in a vast expanse of white.
Xiao Jin held a warm hand warmer and watched the falling snow in the courtyard.
Beside her, that person had clear and bright eyes, also watching the snow.
After watching for a while, they softly asked, “Your Highness, when do you plan to end your life?”
Xiao Jin remembered a past wish and smiled, “One more year, and it will be the day I end my life.”
“Why?” asked Chu Shao.
“Your Majesty, because a year has four seasons. In spring, we can admire the flowers; in summer, we can gaze at the stars and enjoy the night; in autumn, when we raise our heads, there are full moons everywhere. And in harsh winter, the snow falls from the sky.”
Hearing the title “Your Majesty,” Chu Shao laughed heartily, “It seems you love the four seasons.”
Xiao Jin raised an eyebrow slightly, “Your Majesty, you’re mistaken. I don’t love the four seasons. I only love you.”
At this moment, Xiao Jin professed her deep love for her, but a year later, she would leave her again.
Thinking about this, Chu Shao laughed even more joyfully.
“My wife is unfeeling, but I love her even more.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Translator’s note: Wuwuwuwu… Why do you need to go home? Can’t you just stay by Chu Shao’s side?! 😠She’s pitiful. 😔ðŸ˜
TO BE CONTINUE…Â
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