Afterward they lay together in each others’ arms and Hua Cheng trails lazy kisses over his god’s body, over his lover’s body, and everything is perfect. Xie Lian is limp and pliant in his arms, not a sleep, just utterly relaxed and its marvel just to feel him like that, tired and at peace and utterly trusting, letting Hua Cheng handle him however he wants without complaint.
So Hua Cheng indulges himself, leaving soft teasing kisses on each of his fingers, on his palms, the backs of his hands, up his arm, over his shoulder, pausing to admire the crimson marks blooming there, and then to his neck. …His neck.
Hua Cheng caresses the soft skin, his fingers running teasingly over some the makes which cover it and Xie Lian makes a delicious little sound that touch and Hua Cheng drinks it in greedily but his eyes linker on the that hideous black band, that disgusting cursed blot on his god’s perfect skin.
“Gege, what happened?” The question is out before he can stop himself. He knows he shouldn’t ask, shouldn’t disturb his god’s rest with what must be painful memories. But he’s wanted to know for so damn long. Ever since he stepped out of that damned volcano and set began gathering information on his god’s whereabouts he’s wondered.
“Hum?” Xie Lian blinks his eyes open, his gaze still a little unfocused. Fuck but he looks good like that.
Xie Lian’s eyes travel downward, taking the location of Hua Cheng’s hand. “Ah…” Some of the haze clears from his eyes as he seems to guess what Hua Cheng is really asking. Much as he loves having his god’s alert attention on him, Hua Cheng finds that he’s sorry to see it go.
Xie Lian considers him for a moment then looks away and Hua Cheng thinks he glimpses a flicker of guilt in those beautiful golden eyes.
“It’s nothing San Lang needs to worry about.”
Hua Cheng frowns slightly and is quick to say, “If gege doesn’t want to tell me about it that’s fine.” He follows the words up by pressing a quick apologetic kiss at the center of Xie Lian’s throat.
Xie Lian’s expression softens at the kiss but there’s still something too dark in his eyes and he tightens his arms around Hua Cheng as though still afraid that his lover might vanish at any moment. Hua Cheng knows the feeling so he tightens his arms around Xie Lian as well, hand running soothing caresses down his back. Xie Lian gives him a small smile, leaning into the touch.
“It’s alright. Besides I think you have right to know. I just don’t want you to feel guilty for choices I made, that’s all.”
“Guilty?” Hua Cheng’s brows furrow, his tone darkening. “Gege did those heavenly pieces of trash blame you for what I did with those spirits?”
It doesn’t seem likely, even for those heavenly bastards but it’s the only thing he can think of that makes sense of Xie Lian’s words.
“They didn’t…”
Hua Cheng’s tensed shoulders begin to relax but his relief is short lived.
“…but I did.”
“What?” The word leaves Hua Cheng’s mouth in a soft gasp, his eyes widening with horror as he stares, disbelieving, at his god.
Xie Lian takes a quick breath then plunges onward as though, now that he’s decided to tell this story, he feels the need to get it all out at once and so he plunges onward and maybe that’s good thing because Hua Cheng is no longer sure if he can form words.
“After you… After you were gone Jun Wu descended and defeated White No Face. Afterward he told me that I was supposed to ascend again and I… I refused. I couldn’t do it. I knew I didn’t deserve it after what I’d done to you. Heaven might have been willing to overlook it because you were a ghost but I couldn’t. No, more than that, I refused to. I refused to pretend that your suffering didn’t matter. I refused to benefit from it. So I asked for the shackles and Jun Wu and I staged the fight so that I could descend. So you see it was all my own choice and don’t regret it.”
As Xie Lian talks, Hua Cheng’s hands still on his body and for a few moments all he can do is stare at his god in growing horror. Not for the first time that day he feels his world splintering and reforming around him but this is a far less welcome revelation. Part of his mind is furious with himself. All Xie Lian’s suffering, 800 years of fighting his bad luck, struggling to feed himself, dying over and over again, Yong’an, Banyue, and so many more, it’s all his fault.
The other half of his mind is filled with mingled shock and wonder as he tries to wrap his head around the truth behind the words.
For Xie Lian to have been so effected by his death…
For him to care so much even back then…
For him to have carried his memory for one of these past 800 years…
‘Beloved’ Xie Lian had called him. ‘My beloved. My Wu Ming.’
And of course he believed him. How could he ever doubt his god? But hearing it is one thing and realizing the depths of the proof… That’s something else, something which shocks Hua Cheng to his core.
“Your highness…” The words come out soft and slightly shaky. “I would have been happy to have you ascend again in that way. I would have been honored to have you use me as a stepping stone in your path. So long as you are happy and well, that is all that I have ever wanted for you.”
Xie Lian’s breath catches softly and then he’s untangling his arms from around Hua Cheng so that he can cup his cheeks, slender fingers warm against the ghost’s cool skin, tilting his head so that their eyes meet and Hua Cheng hates the sorrow he sees in his god’s eyes.
“I would never use you that way, not then and not now, but I think that you may be forgetting something.” Xie Lian’s tone is gentle but still that sorrow lingers in his eyes.
“What’s that?”
“You spoke about what you want for me, but have you ever thought about what I might want for you?”
Hua Cheng just stares at Xie Lian. He’s done that a lot today but truly it’s all he can do. The honest answer is of course no, no he’s never thought, never once though that his god might have wishes or desires specifically for him. No one has ever desired anything for him before.
…But Xie Lian has always been different hasn’t he?
‘I refused to pretend that your suffering didn’t matter. I refused to benefit from it.’
No one else has ever have given him such consideration.
No one else has ever looked at him and seen something worth caring for, something worth grieving for.
No one else sheltered him and comforted him and told him over again that he is worth something, that’s not a curse, he matters.
No one but his god, his beloved, his Xie Lian…
Hua Cheng’s vision blurs and when he blinks he’s surprised to feel dampness on his cheek.
“Beloved…” Xie Lian runs his thumb gently over that cheek and just hearing Xie Lian call him that is still such a shock and…
Hua Cheng leans forward and kisses his beloved, passionately, desperately, with all the force 800 hundred years of devotion and all the things he can’t find the words to say, and even after all they’ve done together, when Xie Lian kisses him back, it still feels like miracle.
When at last they break apart Hua Cheng ducks his head to kiss the side of Xie Lian’s neck and speaks his words onto his god’s skin. “I’m going to figure out how to remove that shackle.” He says it firmly, an oath to his god which leaves no room for debate.
“Alright.” Xie Lian’s voice sounds still a bit breathy from their kiss and fuck Hua Cheng loves it.
“If your highness wants something to remember me by I can give you something better.”
“I don’t need any help remembering you, but already have given me something better.”
Hua Cheng’s lips curve at that and runs his tongue lightly over one of the crimson marks blooming against the pale skin of Xie Lian’s throat.
Xie Lian shudders at the touch, his cheeks turning pink. “I meant the ring!”
One of his hands drops curl around it where it hangs on its chain, a possessive, protective, gesture which sends warmth flooding through him.
“The ring…” Xie Lian says it again and then his eyes widen. “San Lang what you told me the day we met again, these are your ashes aren’t they?”
“En.” Hua Cheng nods and if he is surprised Xie Lian figured it out when he did then he knows he shouldn’t be. His god is very smart after all.
“And you gave them to me…”
Xie Lian’s voice is slightly wondering, as though he too is still having trouble believing that all this is real. Hua Cheng raises his head so that he can meet his god’s eyes.
“Beloved, their yours, just as I am, just as I always have been.”
This time it’s Xie Lian who pulls him into a kiss, softer than the last on but no less loving. When they part Xie Lian speaks softly onto his lips, words that write themselves into Hua Cheng’s undead soul, becoming a part of him just as Xie Lian himself is a part of him.
“And I’m yours, Wu Ming, my San Lang, my beloved. I always have been, and I always will be.”
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