Behind The Limelight 12: Deja Vu

“Jesus, I don’t think I can do this,” Ashton muttered, shifting uncomfortably on the couch.

“Ash,” Ryker sighed. “You’re an actor, for fuck’s sake. It’s not really that big of a deal, just pretend that I’m a…hot chick or something.”

“Yeah, right, easier said than done,” Ashton scoffed. “But fine.”

“Good. It’s your line.”

Ashton cleared his throat, looking at the script again to read the dialogue that he was supposed to say.

“How can you be in love with me? We’ve never been anything more than friends,” Ashton read out, his tone monotonous as he was not even looking at the other man.

“Come on, Ash. You can do better than this,” Ryker said, pressing his lips in a thin line. Ashton groaned, but nodded. He turned towards Ryker, looking him right into his eyes as he gave it another shot.

“How can you be in love with me?” Ashton whispered. “We’ve never… we’ve never been anything more than friends.”

“I’ve loved you ever since I first laid eyes on you. I know you see me as nothing more than a friend but I can’t keep this to myself any longer,” Ryker spoke. His expression serious with a clear look of pain on it.

Damn, he’s a good actor, Ashton thought.

“But why?” Ashton asked, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“It’s everything about you,” Ryker answered, a soft smile on his lips. “Every single thing about you drives me crazy. You’re all I think about no matter the time of the day or night. You’re… you’re the one for me.”

Ashton gulped. Ryker was staring at him so intensly that for a moment he forgot that they were acting. He glanced down at the script on his lap before looking back up at Ryker. Ryker’s gaze hadn’t moved from Ashton’s eyes, making him almost freeze for a second.

“I can’t do this,” Ashton whispered. “You know that I love you. But only as a friend. I’m with somebody else and I… he’s the one I’m in love with.”

Ryker frowned, closing his eyes shut as he took in a deep breath. He kept his hand on top of Ashton’s, holding it firmly before looking at him once again, this time with determination.

“I know,” Ryker’s voice was gentle. “I know you love someone else. But even if you’re never mine… I’ll keep on loving you because I cannot imagine a world without you. Be it just as your friend.”

“And you’d be okay with that? Okay with seeing me be with someone else for the rest of your life?” Ashton questioned. “That’s not fair to you.”

His hand was burning from Ryker’s touch, he wanted to move it away, but he also didn’t. He reminded himself that they were just acting. They were in the role. That’s it.

“I’m not going to lie and say that I’ll be completely okay with that, but as long as he treats you right and you are happy… I’m going to be fine,” Ryker said. “That’s all I care about. Your happiness.”

Ashton looked down at the script again, even though it was hard to turn his eyes away from Ryker. The emotions in his voice and his face felt so goddamn real that Ashton was having a hard time pretending that they were just rehearsing.

Ashton bit his lower lip, not meeting Ryker’s gaze again as he pulled his hand away from his hold and shifted back.

“So, uh, that was it,” Ashton spoke. “You did good. You don’t need to rehearse more.”

“Right,” Ryker nodded. “You really think so?”

“Yeah,” Ashton answered. “You’ve got this scene down. It felt very, uh, realistic.”

“Good. That’s good.”

“Yeah. It is.”

“Thank you,” Ryker said.

“Yeah, no worries,” Ashton paused for a moment before continuing. “If this is it then I’d really like to take that nap now.”

“Oh, yeah sure. I’ll get out of your hair—”

Ryker was about to get up when Ashton’s phone rang. It was on the counter next to Ryker, making the man turn around to grab it. He glanced at the screen, looking at the name calling Ashton before handing him the phone.

Maria.

A smile found its way on Ashton’s face as soon as he read her name.

They met two nights ago when Ashton was out having dinner with Malcolm. They spoke for the first time in years, and Ashton couldn’t deny that he felt something inside of him again. They hadn’t talked about dating again, but they did decide on reconnecting. He was quite surprised that she was calling, but glad about it nonetheless.

He turned towards Ryker, who was looking away with the same blank expression that Ashton hadn’t seen in quite a while. The unreadable one that always left Ashton wondering about what was going on in the other man’s head.

“Can you—”

“Actually I wanted to rehearse my next scene with you too,” Ryker said. “The one where we’re at the football game.”

“Oh,” Ashton frowned, looking at his phone and then back at Ryker. “Can’t we do that later?”

“I don’t think we’re gonna be able to find the time,” Ryker shrugged nonchalantly.

“Right…” Ashton muttered, keeping his phone to the side. He made a mental note to text Maria later to let her know that he was busy.

The two rehearsed for the next hour, going over the same scene quite a few times as Ryker kept messing up and forgetting his lines. Ashton was starting to get a bit frustrated, but he said nothing about it.

Once they were finally done, he sighed tiredly as he sat back down on his couch. He thought Ryker would leave, but instead he sat next to him. They stayed quiet for a few minutes, just relaxing, until Ryker spoke up.

“So,” Ryker began. “Maria, huh? I didn’t know you guys were back together.”

“We’re not,” Ashton grunted.

“Then why was she calling you?”

“How is it any of your business?” Ashton snapped. “Why do you care? Do you plan on hitting her up again now that we’re back in touch?”

“I’m not going to do that,” Ryker muttered. “I just… I was just making small talk.”

“Don’t,” Ashton said. “I don’t trust you when it comes to this and for very good reason, so please, keep it in your pants this time.”

“I will,” Ryker replied, making Ashton scoff, clearly not buying whatever Ryker was trying to sell. “I swear, Ash. I know I’ve acted like an asshole in this past. Especially in this regard but I promise it’s behind me now and I’m not going to stoop to that level again.”

“Yeah, sue me but I don’t believe you,” Ashton retorted. “You’ve done nothing for me to have any trust in you.”

“I know I’ve messed up,” Ryker sighed. “More times than one but I’m trying to do better. I really am.”

“Time will tell,” Ashton said. “But I’m not holding my breath on it.”

“I’ll prove it to you. I’ll prove that I’m a changed man now,” Ryker promised once again. “Even if you want to date Maria again then I’m not going to come in between you both.”

“Thank you so much,” Ashton’s tone was reeking of sarcasm. “What would I ever do without your blessing?”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Ryker replied. “I just meant that I…that I will leave the two of you alone.”

“That’s all I’ve ever asked of you. To leave me the fuck alone,” Ashton said.

Ryker looked away, Ashton could see him from the corner of his eyes even though he didn’t want to face him. Ryker did seem sincere, but Ashton knew better than to trust him. Especially with this. He wouldn’t be surprised if Ryker slides into Maria’s dms right after he leaves Ashton’s trailer.

“Is that what you really want?” Ryker asked, his voice soft. “For me to leave you alone?”

Ashton frowned, he had said this to Ryker a billion times, but he had never reacted in such a way. If anything, Ryker would go out of his way not to leave Ashton. The way he had asked this question… it made Ashton reconsider what he had said.

Ashton gulped. The air was tense before, but now it was something else. Something more. It was suffocating Ashton, making him question everything.

Why was he even thinking so much about this? He had begged and sworn at Ryker to leave him be, so why was he contemplating it now? Nothing had changed in the past few days. Absolutely nothing.

“Yes,” Ashton finally answered, though he did not sound as confident as he usually did. “I want you to leave me alone.”

“Okay,” Ryker said as he stood up, not sparing the other man a single glance. “You don’t have to talk to me out of work anymore. I’m done.”

Ashton didn’t know what to say as he watched Ryker walk out of his trailer. He couldn’t help but frown at his fellow actor’s retreating figure, his heart has sped up too for reasons unknown to him. It felt like deja vu. It reminded him of the first time Ryker left him, the time when Ashton wasn’t sure he would ever come back.

It brought back some of that pain too. The pain of losing someone you care about. But Ashton didn’t give a single shit about Ryker anymore, so why was he feeling this way?

He didn’t know how long he sat there at the exact same spot, staring a hole at the door, until his alarm rang to remind him that his shoot was going to start soon.

Ashton grabbed his phone, the missed call from Maria was at the top of his notifications. Even though he had been excited before about hearing from her, now he just couldn’t care less about it. He turned his screen off, keeping his phone aside without replying to her before standing up to go get ready for his next shoot.

***

I have exams from Monday so I might not post for a week or so, pls bear with me