Atlas Toren -34-

Atlas POV

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The drive back in the car was dark. Ok well… maybe lit up because of all the lights. But we had stayed much longer than I thought we had, and night had fallen by the time we left. 

But the trip was very… noisy. I think that’s all I’ll use to describe it. Maybe the others were all just… very happy about the shops today.

I didn’t even know what Magnus and them had done while Rif, Ever and I were out. They wouldn’t shut up about some coffee shop and a park outside the shops though.

I yawned a little as Niko nudged my shoulder.

“Ah- sorry- Cyrus pushed me!” I watched as he sent a playful glare at Cyr, before shoving him back.

I blinked sleepily as I yawned again, which caught Magnus’s attention in the mirror.

“You tired kitten?”

I raised my eyebrows.

He raised his hands in defence, and I rolled my eyes.

I glanced out the front window from where I was sitting, and a content feeling came over me as I saw the car pull up into the driveway.

Magnus clapped a little, and the car fell silent.

Just like that.

I should really take some tips from him.

“Alright. It’s been a long day. Anyone who wants dinner- I know some of us ate while we were there, but if you want something to it, I’ll be heating up pasta. Yeah? Okay. Otherwise, just go to bed. I can already see a couple of you a tired.”

He made a point of looking at me, and I glared at him when the others turned too.

“Aww, is the little kitten tired after a big day?” Colten’s eyes were taunting, and I sent him a look, before leaving the car.

I turned to head up the stairs once a made it inside, but a hand stopped me.

Tensing a little, I turned to look at Magnus.

“Hey,” he murmured softly.

“You- are you going to come and eat?”

I glanced away from him, hesitating.

“I’m… I’m not hungry right now.”

“Mhm.” He raised his head a little, and I glanced back up at him. “Are you sure?”

“Uh… yeah?”

“hm okay. You’ll need to eat all of your breakfast tomorrow then.”

“Wha-“

“No arguing.”

I sent him an icy look, which he shook his head at in amusement, before heading towards the kitchen. Following the stairs up to my room, I opened the door to find my room dark, I hadn’t opened the curtains in the morning.

Pricking my ears, I made my way slowly across the room, and my gaze didn’t leave the room as I moved the curtains out of the way.

I let out a small sigh of relief when I saw no one hiding in my room, and then let my sight wander. The moonlight was streaming into my room, and the books and decorations I rearranged on my walls and bookshelf gleamed with a cool, blue glow.

 Feeling a soft breeze ruffle my hair, I sat on my bed, staring out the window a little. Just… thinking.

I never thought my life would be like this. I thought I’d just be bouncing from institutions and foster homes now and then. Nothing like this.

I felt… happy, when I thought about what life was like now. There weren’t as many problems as I had anticipated, and maybe the others didn’t mind my being here as much as I thought they did.

It was confusing when the warm feeling in my chest came around though. I knew- I mean, I had some kind of idea as to what it meant. But I was never the best at identifying emotions. Or…why they meant what they did.

I mean, I think I like the guys. Well… maybe a little more than like.

But- do they- ok. They do… like me. That- that was obvious. I think.

Maybe it would help if I started pointing things out to myself. Like… signs? Ways to prove they did?

I’ll end up figuring it out later. Like I always do.

I let out another contented sigh as I lay my head back on the pillow and began staring at the ceiling.

Small pictures and posters I had stared back at me, doused in moonlight.

I always thought that moonlight was better than sunlight. Or night was better than day. Maybe because it was quiet. Because nobody was there to watch you cry, or… smile.

You didn’t have to worry about anything, really.

It was silent.

The only noises would be the cars driving past.

It was like nothing in the world could bother you.

It always made me feel small.

Like I didn’t really matter. I mean- I didn’t. Nothing I said or did would make any difference to the world. Sure, it might affect a couple of people. And that’s it. Earth in general- it doesn’t matter how many wars, or popstars we have- we really don’t matter. We already seem to be so isolated from anyone else.

So- what’s the point of saying things, or doing things, if they won’t make a difference in someone’s life. It just seems like… a waste of time. Space. Energy.

That was how I used to think.

And I think I still do.

A small part of me still wants to.

Because- in my eyes, it was true, at least it was then.

And- it still seems true.

I mean, it all just seems a little… pointless.

Useless.

Wasteful.

To put all this time and energy into things that don’t really matter.

Ah.

I think- I think I understand now.

Sad numb, what Ever was talking about it.

This is probably it.

But- it makes sense.

I can understand why people would think like this.

But- Ever told me to go see Mags.

And- I… wanted to.

I sighed a little at my small realisation, before glancing at the clock on my wall.

Ah. I scratched my head a little at the late time- he’d probably be asleep by now.

Even so-

I picked myself up, heaving my tired limbs across the floor.

Thinking- or deciding things for myself always took so long. I rubbed my eyes sleepily as I saw the warm light of Magnus’s study still on. My steps were silent as I moved over to it, and I raised my hands to knock. Before hesitating. Did I really….?

Yes.

Yes? Really? No… after thought? Alright then.

My breath hitched as my fist sounded against the cold wood. My stomach began to turn, and I began biting the inside of my lip once I heard the noise.

This was a bad idea. He wouldn’t be awake anyways. And why would I bother him? He would want to sleep. And now that I’ve knocked- I’ll have to talk to him. Engage in conversation. Tell him. 

Fucking fuck. This was a terrible idea. I bit my tongue, and turned to leave, taking fast steps away from the door, my heart thumping loudly. I didn’t want to do this anymore.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

I almost froze. Almost. Instead, I bit my the inside of my bottom lip and turned around.

Magnus must have noticed.

“Hey- come here.” His voice was soft, and welcoming.

I didn’t move. His shoulder heaved a little, before he took a step towards me.

“Come on. I’d enjoy the company,” he murmured quietly, taking my hand, and pulling me into the room.

“You… you’re not-“

“Mad? Annoyed?”

I didn’t need to nod. The conflict in my eyes showed it all.

He gave me a gentle smile, before motioning for me to come at sit down.

There was one chair.

My eyes narrowed as he sat down, and then looked up at me with a smile that must have come down from heaven.

“Come. Sit.”

I didn’t move. He patted his lap a little, almost invitingly, and I saw a smug glint in his eye.

“Or… you can sit on the floor? Uh- you might not want to though, because- uh- Riftyn and Colten uh- did some… things… there.”

I blinked, before nodding a little. I kept my gaze on him as I propped my arms up on his desk, and watched his eyes narrow a little. I yawned again, and his eyes flickered towards me, before landing in his lap.

“Sorry- I- you’re probably tired- I just- sorry-” I began, cursing myself from breaking sentence, and firmly planting my gaze on the floor.

“You apologise too much.”

His voice was soft, and his eyes were gentle as he looked at me, a peaceful look on his face.

That sentence- I think it held more than I realised.

My head snapped up as he moved over to me. He tilted my head to look up at him, and I became aware of the silence that surrounded the area.

Sadness flickered in his eyes as he looked at me, and I clenched my jaw.

“It’s not your fault.”

His voice was a whisper, and I barely registered the words.

“I know.” Mine was a whisper to, and I didn’t look at him.

“No. Look at me. It’s not your fault.”

I didn’t look. “I… know.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Why- I know!”

“Then say it.”

“What?”

“Say it. Tell me that it’s not your fault.”

“No- I-“

“I thought you said you knew,”

I huffed loudly.

“Listen Atlas. None of this is your fault. Not your past. Not the present. Not your family. Not your feelings. Not this numb emotion that always seems to be around you. None of it.”

I cocked my head a little.

“Stop blaming yourself. You’re no burden. We’re here. Through everything. You don’t have to be sad anymore, or hide away. It’s not your fault.”

“I- I know,” My voice cracked a little, and Mags leaned in a little.

“So tell me.”

“I- its not…”

I trailed off at the end, not really realising what I was saying. It wasn’t my fault? That didn’t sound right. I was the one who couldn’t comply.

Who wasn’t strong enough. Who burned them. Who killed them. Who doesn’t know how to love. Who’ll never be loved. I have only myself to blame.

“Hey- stop- look at me-“

Blinking slowly, I raised my eyes to meet Magnus’s. His eyebrows were furrowed, and messy hair fell across his forehead.

“It’s not your fault. So stop hiding away from us- you’re allowed to be happy-“

“I- I know, I just- I can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

“Be… happy? I just- I don’t know-“

“That’s okay. I’ll show you. We’ll show you.”

“Show me?”

“How to be happy. How to be loved. How to live.”

“Mhm.”

He yawned a little himself, in turn making me yawn, and he chuckled a little. Settling himself back in the large chair, he patted his lap again. “Come. We can just sleep here.”

I moved this time. I think the silence had gotten to me. Or maybe the moonlight. Maybe the whole melancholy feeling the few words we exchanged held. Maybe things mattered a little bit more than I thought. Just a little.

I nuzzled my head into the crook of his chest, and he chuckled again. Poking him in the chest, I felt it heave with a sigh, before he sank into the chair, and I relaxed into the chair.

Closing my eyes sleepily, I feel asleep to the warm rhythm of his breaths against the top of my head.

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A/N

woo i finally updated

so it’s kinda hard to explain when i’ll update- because i usually take around an hour to write a chapter like this, sometimes more if it’s something like smut or smth but this kind of stuff i find easy to write- because its kinda relatable for me, and i  just write from my thoughts 🙂

so if i don’t have too much time- like today, i’ll end up posting smth like this- but thats okay <3

tysm to all of you for reading- i really can’t tell you guys how happy it makes me- i’ll look at my phone or smth, and find all your comments, reads and votes, and i swear i can’t stop smiling, and it literally brings up my whole day

it might not be a lot compared to other stories on wattpad, but the fact that all of you have taken the time to read my story and enjoyed it-

i’m not really the kind of person to smile or idk- people would probably wonder why i was so quiet or if i was sad if they saw me, if that makes any sense at all, but when i see you guys commenting and even reading, asdgjklf it makes me so goddam happy-

 idk its like yk- moment by vierra cloud? or out of my league by the fitz and the tantrums? ok well you might not- but its like that.

if that didnt make sense- its alr i dont think it made a lot of sense to me either😭

you’re all amazing, heres some tea 🍵 

Kasumi <3