Dianthus Caryophyllus; A Soonhoon Fic 10

“Hey ji,” I heard jeonghan hyung call out softly to me while gently rocking me awake. I usually hated being woken up but I was worried about soonyoung and could not sleep well anyways, so my eyes snapped open quite quickly. 

“hey hyung. How’s soonyoung…”

“Come on, we’re going to visit him now.”

“Thank you hyung.” I whispered as he helped to get my IV drip onto the wheelable IV stand and helped me get off the bed and slowly walk to his room.

Coincidentally, we were on the same floor.

As I walked in, I was shocked. There was this bandage wrapped around his head above his eye, a cast on his leg and cuts and bruises littered his skin. The heart monitor beeping and the rise and fall of his chest the only thing stopping me from panicking right there and then thinking he was dead.

“hey ji”

“hey shua hyung, where are the others?”

“They had to discuss with the managers and do a press conference about the rumours regarding your absence.” I heard jeonghan hyung say next to me.

“How about you two?”

“We are supposed to take care of you two today. We made a routine schedule.”

“You guys are doing so much for us…”

“Ji, we are family remember, don’t feel sorry.”

I merely nodded.

~~~

(later that day)

Knock. Knock.

“Come in.”

Jeonghan hyung and dino came in. Their schedules must have finished for the day. They only stood there awkwardly in front of my bed, without the usual greeting or talking.

I heard them mummering to each other. My eyes stared at the two figures, trying to figure out what they were talking about.

“ji, this is a letter from soonyoung 6 years ago. He wrote it to you but asked us to keep it safe and pass to you only if he had died but since the situation is like that now… we thought we should pass it to you. The other one he recently wrote it for you and passed it to me yesterday, telling me to pass it to you together.”

“Hyung, sorry for keeping the secret of his illness 6 years ago from everyone. It was his wish s-so we could not tell.”

I only nodded with understanding.

“The letters should explain enough. Here, we will leave now. Take your time to read the letters and rest well.”

They closed the door as they walked out. I look at the two letters. Both were in a white envelope with “To Jihoon” written in front. I should probably start from the one 6 years ago. It was clearly older, as the white paper started to have yellow spots and his handwriting was not as nice. A picture of us as trainees fell out when I opened the envelope. I chuckled at the picture of him waking me up in the morning for practice.(the picture is above btw)

I carefully took out the letter and unfolded it.

To jihoon,

When you receive this, I’m probably gone. I mean that’s what I told Jeonghan hyung and chan at least, to give you when I was gone. Anyways, if this is to far in the future jihoon, have I been a bitch for the past few years? Or a very annoying asshole? I’m sure I must have been one.  To the jihoon reading this, you must be wondering when I wrote this. I wrote it just before I left. I’m prolly gonna be gone for around 6 months. I’ll miss all of you guys so much. 

Why did you leave for 6 months you may ask. I have hanahaki and I’m getting the surgery if I do not improve my condition. 

Hoonie ah- You are the only one who received such a letter because you brighten up my day. Your small eyes, chubby cheeks and every single action you do never fail to make me blush. Every time I hang out with you, the butterflies always fly around in my stomach. I know you dislike being called cute, but you are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! Your personality is the direct opposite of mine but I love it. How you go straight to the point and how you are so savage. How you know what to say and act when we are alone, never making conversations with you boring.

I cherish the bond we have, but I always wanted it to be more than that even though I knew it would not happen. You are probably not even gay or bi and we are never meant to be. Then I got the illness. I did not want to get the surgery but I had no choice. If I had a choice I would want to die loving you but I’m scared ji, scared that I would die now, at 19 years old. I need to stay alive so you guys could debut. Everyone’s debut is already delayed, I cannot be selfish and delay it even more just because of love.

After the surgery, I wouldn’t be able to feel anything romantic anymore. But always remember I love you. Loving you was an emotional rollercoaster, but I would always want to go through it again if I was given the choice. 

My best friend. My younger brother. 

I love you.

~Soonyoung 

I could not stop the tears that fell. To think I did not find out. To think that I did not realise anything. To think that he suffered alone. To think that I shouted at him when he was trying to stop me from suffering from a sad fate like him. With shaky hands, I ripped open the other envelope.

Jihoon ah-

Whenever I see blood and petals surrounding you, I cannot stop wanting to be in your place and suffer instead. Get the surgery please. You will only suffer because of this damn disease. I must have been annoying you recently by telling you this right?

I know that day when I told you to do it and scolded you, you grew so annoyed and angry with me. I’m sorry… I just want to help you. You don’t deserve to go through what I been through ji… I don’t want you to suffer…

I don’t think you will ever get this letter. But please, if you ever get it and I’m gone, please get the surgery and save yourself. Live on and continue creating great music that so many people love.

I know this can only be platonic now but

Love,

soonyoung 

The papers had tear marks, from me and soonyoung, who was also probably crying while writing these letters. 

You pabo. I thought. But now, if he can’t feel anything, I can only get the surgery. But I don’t want to… 

I need to talk to him, after he wakes up.