A blue fairy figurine. A bowl of fruit-shaped erasers. A collection of colored pebbles on the counter and tiny mugs hanging on a rack. A book shelf that hadn’t been touched. Too many books that were left unread. A chipped metal figurine of two sapphic lovers. An old jacket that was never hers. A blanket. A house that will never feel like home again.
“Then what do you want to do?” Jen asked, her irritation visibly painted on her face as she sat on the sofa, Sandra eventually handing her a half-finished box of pizza, “Stay here? Goodness. You’ve been on leave for almost a week. Aren’t you tired of crying?”
“Please.” The brunette groaned as she let herself fell on the couch, “I didn’t take a leave just to cry.”
“Tsk. It’s 11 in the evening. I just got off from work and now I came here to see you and…” She took a bite of the pizza before she rolled her eyes over her friend, “And I see you with your nose puffy and your eyes so red. Then you tell me you weren’t crying?” She put down the pizza on the table in front before she turned to properly look at the brunette beside her, “Look, I’m not here to give you litany, okay? I’m here because I’m worried about you.”
With her arms crossed against her chest and a frown too thick, Sandra sighed, “I know.”
“Good. And I don’t understand why you’re here crying, when the solution of your problem is just a call away. She loves you still and it is obvious that you do, because if you do not anymore, then you wouldn’t take a leave off from work and then cry your ass off here. Please, will you pull yourself together? Take her back so that you won’t suffer here like a damn teenager going through her first break-up.”
“You know I can’t.” Her reply sounded so weak as Sandra closed her eyes and leaned the back of her head against the couch’s headrest.
“Yes, you can.”
Sandra didn’t reply and Jennifer didn’t talk either. Instead, Jen just looked at her friend who had her eyes closed. She knew Sandra was in pain and as a friend, she wanted to shower her all the remedy in the world, but unfortunately, doctors couldn’t treat a brokenheart. Jennifer silently shook her head and turned her face towards the television set in front as she noticed that despite the brunette closing her eyes, there were still tears escaping.
“I can’t go back anymore. I can’t let myself be lost again.” The silence shattered as the brunette spoke in between the tears escaping out of her, “She hurt me so badly, tore my heart into millions of pieces that even after two years, I am still looking over the many pieces I still haven’t found. But you know what?” The brunette chuckled as she wiped her tears, “Despite her breaking my heart, my heart still couldn’t seem to forget her. It beats for her and I hate it. I hate the fact that even if I fuck too many different people, it is still her.”
The look on Jennifer’s eyes was so solemn and quite. Lost for words to reply, the other woman only gave her friend a tiny smile, hoping that somehow, it would ease all the pain inside the brunette’s heart.
“I’m sorry you’re feeling that way.” Jen stated, “And goodness, I hate your goddamn ex. Hate her to bits for what she did to –”
“Sandra! Sandy! Annette! Open the gate!”
The yelling from the outside ruined the solemnity of the space that Jennifer and Sandra were in. They couldn’t be wrong. They knew whose voice that was. Jennifer’s mouth hung in shock as the realization of who was making the commotion outside hit her. Sandra looked at her friend, a bit startled and hugely shocked as she didn’t know what to do.
“Stay here.” Jennifer answered as she stood up from the couch, “Don’t come out.”
“No! I need to see her.”
Jennifer stopped by the door and gave the brunette a raised brow, “And then what? What’s the point of…” She rolled her eyes as the blonde outside shouted for the brunette’s name again along with the rattling of the gate, “Fucking stop it, Blanchett!” She angrily shouted back before she turned to look back at her friend, “Let me handle this.” And with that, she took her way out.
Sandra bit her lip as she watched her friend going out. Judging from the sound of her ex-girlfriend outside, she knew she was drunk.
Jennifer opened the gate to a Cate Blanchett with a bouquet of flowers and a birthday cake. She was wearing a disheveled suit and by the looks of it, Jennifer could tell she was drunk.
“Where is she?”
Jennifer sighed, “What are you doing here?”
Cate looked back even further, trying to catch a glimpse of her ex, “I need to see her. Sandra! Sandra, talk to me! Talk to me, please!”
“Cate, please…” Jennifer cut her off as she pushed the blonde off, eager to not let her get in, “Go home. You’re drunk.”
“No. I won’t.” She mumbled, “And you fucking stay out of this.” She added before shouting again, “Sandra! Sandra!”
“She doesn’t want to see you!” Jennifer countered back, “Go home. Please!”
“Doesn’t want to see me? Of course she does!” Cate shoved her off as she tried to get in the gate, “Sandra! Sandra, please!” She added but just before she could get in, Jennifer was so quick to push her slightly aside and despite Jennifer not wanting to push her on the ground, the unintentional act ensued and Cate fell on the ground, the cake kissing the ground as well, and the bouquet crushed between the blonde’s arm.
“God. I’m sorry.” Jen apologized as she quickly tried to help the blonde stand but Cate pushed her back angrily in return.
“Stay the fuck out of this.” The blonde mumbled before standing up and walking in the gate leaving Jennifer outside, “Annette! Annette, talk to me!”
Sandra couldn’t bear watching the scene unfolding from the inside and so, despite her mind yelling at her not to, she opened the door, “What do you want?” A sigh escaped out of her lips tragically, “You’re drunk.”
And when the blonde saw the brunette just outside her door, all the chaos in her seemed to have been washed away by the wind. Her feet started to shake and she could feel all her veins wanting to melt against the floor. The blonde was yearning in the most disgusting form. She could feel her longing coming out of her skin like smoke; her soul just could not jail it anymore.
“I just…” Her tears started to fall one by one, but Cate was determined to not let her tears stop her from talking, “…just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the things I didn’t do and for failing to celebrate your birthdays with you.” She mumbled and when she did, it was when Sandra saw the cake by the gate that had kissed the ground, “I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend you deserve to have and I’m so sorry.
“It’s done. All we need to do now is to move on.” Sandra answered, “Goodnight, Cate.” She added and was about to go back inside, but the blonde was so quick to run to her, held her hand and stopped her from going in.
“I’m determined to correct all the mistakes I did.” The way those words came out of the blonde sounded so desperate along with the breaking of her voice, “I’m sorry I don’t have the heart to unlove you, baby, so please…” She squeezed Sandra’s hand before looking back at her, “Take me back.” She choked as her sobs started coming out, “Take me back, please…”
The way Cate held her hand evoked so much nostalgia and it would be a lie for Sandra to say that she hadn’t missed the warmth of the blonde’s palm. But despite the wanting and the longing, she knew too well that walking into the aisle of the ruined eden with a broken heart could never heal her pain. The blonde broke her and going back to the same place where she got broken could never heal her back. With a gentle shook of her head, Sandra bit her lips as she tried to swallow the sobs wanting to come out of her. And Cate waited – waited for the unfortunate verdict she knew would come out of the brunette’s lips.
“I held onto your promise that you would give me your entire soul, but while you were pursuing fame and dreams, you were giving strangers pieces of yourself…” Sandra’s tears started falling out as she withdrew her hand from the blonde, “…and there I was, standing in the darkest corner, with your broken vow, looking at you covered in spotlight.”
“I’m sor –”
“No, Cate. Your sorry could never bring back the happiness and peace you, yourself, pushed me to bury. Do you know what it feels like to be reminded that you were not enough? That despite me giving my all to you, I never was enough.”
“Please. I’m just so so –”
“You’re lucky.” The brunette cut her off as she wiped her tears, “You’re lucky I never hurt you the same way you did to me. And you’re even luckier,..” This time, her words died on the bridge of her throat as her tears fell even harder and she wept, “…even luckier because despite you murdering my heart, it beats for you and I don’t know how to stop it.”
***
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