The sun was already setting. The skies had turned gradually to pinkish-orange and the pigeons were up above the skyline, flying home for the night. In just an hour, the clock would tick another space and the pinkish skies would turn to gray; the dark cape of the night would cover the whole world and Cate was thinking that for sure, she would be back latching on her own loneliness like a worm. Sandra would be gone, she knew.
Instead of going downstairs, she opted to just stay in her room and watched the setting of the sun through her glass wall. Her heart could not take seeing the brunette walk away again as if nothing had happened, so staying in the confinement of that space was a smart move. Her room still smelled like vanilla and sex and the blonde honestly did not know if she wanted it to smell that way.
Feeling an immense self-pity, Cate shook her head slyly, “You’re making me so damn crazy.” She mumbled, pertaining to the brunette on the living room, who she was sure, was preparing to go home.
Heaving a deep sigh, she reached for her cigarette and her lighter on her bedside table. She was planning to clean her whole room later that night, after Sandra would go home. With such a suave move, the blonde opened the glass wall leading up to her balcony before she lit up her cigarette. She did not take a drag. Instead, she let the smoke lingered and danced through the air like a soul that just escaped from the closed fist of hell. The I love you she still wanted to say somehow died on her throat and she knew there was no way of reliving it. Her own self had become a bed full of all the letters she never got to send her, she had lost her courage. The static humming of hopelessness was all Cate could hear and she knew, that in her lifetime, she would forever be deep in saudade over Sandra.
“That cigarette will kill you one day.”
Cate turned back. Shock and bliss were both plastered on her face as she looked back. On her room’s door, there Sandra was, wearing the same oversized shirt that Cate peeled off her body just a few hours ago. Her voice sounded like a homey declaration, like a wife to wife telling her a task to do.
“You’re not afraid to die?” Thinking Cate wouldn’t answer, Sandra stepped into the room and started to walk towards the blonde on the balcony, “Dying of a lung cancer is not very legendary.”
Cate froze on her spot. She’s not going home? As she tried to sew the words on her tongue, Sandra approached her and took her cigarette off from her slender fingers. The act was so sleek and Cate watched as Sandra slowly took a drag of the cigarette before she walked out on the balcony.
“What happened to your tongue? Got cut?” Sandra asked as she eventually leaned her back on the balcony’s railing; the smoke of the cigarette went out of her lips and danced away through the air.
“You can’t smoke.” Cate finally spoke, “You are not… You don’t.” She shook her head in disbelief as she looked at the smoking brunette on the balcony, “You don’t smoke.” She rushed to where Sandra was before snatching the cigarette away from her, “You don’t smoke, Annette.” Cate then brushed the cigarette against the railing, its embers flew as it died before she turned to face the brunette seriously, “Don’t do that.”
“I see.” Sandra looked at the cigarette on the floor before she turned to look at Cate, “So now you know how I feel.” She mumbled softly before caressing the side of Cate’s lips with her thumb, “Don’t do that.”
The moment embedded between them was a glass of vulnerability. Cate closed her eyes as she allowed herself to feel the warmth of Sandra’s hand on her cheek. She knew it would not last, so she savored it. Savored every bit of it.
“Don’t do this too.”
The brunette was taken aback as the blonde spoke. Her voice was low and soft that it almost come out as a whisper. Cate backed away and Sandra looked at her.
“Do what?”
Cate backed away even more, Sandra’s hand slipped away from her and she stood in front of her, bravely, “Do this.” She paused, “This. Whatever you’re doing because in all honestly, I feel like this is love. I have been homeless, out of love for so long that I no longer know if you’re just concern because I’m sick or that, you’re just doing this because you love me still. But I know better. You told me you’ve moved on so I am well aware that in a few hours or in the morning when you’re done with me, you would walk out of my door again.”
“Then don’t.”
Cate squinted her eyes as the reply reached her system, “What?”
Sandra did not reply. Instead, she walked towards the blonde and closed the gap between them by cupping Cate’s face so gently. The fragility between them was so loud that Cate froze, afraid that she might break it. Like a recently bloomed daisy, Sandra cracked. Her tears slowly trudged their way out of her eyes like lonely refugees trying to find a new home.
“Then don’t.” Sandra leaned her forehead against the blonde, “Don’t make me leave.”
The battle was there, but no blood did spill. Instead, tears came out and flowed like exiled rivers. Cate could not really believe what she just heard that she backed away.
“Stop. Stop, okay?” Cate shook her head and when she did, it was when her tears finally came out, “Stop playing pretend. You’ve told me you no longer want me anymore and now what? I… I can’t let you love me out of pity.”
“I’m not.”
“Then what the hell are you doing?!”
This time, Sandra shook her head as her tears spilled even harder, “I don’t know. I don’t know, Cate.” She cried, “All I know is that despite me not wanting to get hurt again, I just want to stay here with you.”
The milliseconds dipped into the moment turned to seconds of waiting. No one dared to speak. Cate watched as Sandra broke down across her. Their situation was a rotten piece of pomegranate and Cate felt so crushed by their withered skin. Was that how love supposed to be felt by her? Despite being confused, her heart was not able to take the event happening in front of her.
Cate took a step, testing waters, “Then stay.” With those words, Sandra looked at her with those eyes Cate could no longer read, “Stay here with me.”
With tears on her face, Sandra ran towards the blonde to which Cate welcomed her with opened arms. As the brunette landed in between Cate’s arms, their long-held yearning crumbled down.
“Stay, Annette. Stay.”
In another universe, they never parted. In another universe, they were childhood sweethearts sharing cookies and a kiss under a blanket fort. Like saving an expensive wine, they too had saved their love in however way they can. For all that and more, in another universe, breaking each other’s hearts never happened.
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