The fresh breeze of dawn crept in like an unwelcomed ghost – its presence almost sneaking. How the drapes danced as the breeze flew in shuddered Lou awake. The sun hasn’t’t risen up, but the skies had gone a little bluer already. She gradually fluttered her eyes open, the breeze slowly kissing her nakedness that she sleepily pulled the covers up to her naked chest. The other space of the bed was no longer occupied by Sandra, it had gone cold already as Lou caressed the empty space beside her.
Deciding on knowing where the brunette was, Lou got up. Her clothes that were scattered on the bedroom floor last night were neatly folded on the bedside table and despite those being just a reach away, she opted to walk towards the brunette’s closet, trying to find a shirt she could slip on.
“Interesting…” Lou muttered, opening Sandra’s closet only to find different kind of satin lingeries hanging, “This is definitely a Victoria Secret’s store.” She added, walking up to another closet hoping to find just a simple shirt and luckily she did, “Gotcha.”
It was a worn band shirt that Lou didn’t recognize. She wore the shirt, before she trudged her way towards the bathroom to freshen up. She knew Sandra didn’t leave yet; she might be somewhere in the house, might be cooking breakfast or sipping a cup of coffee in the living room. Lou had appointments to tend to for the day, but she needed to see her before she leaves.
Right after freshing up, the blonde started to walkout of the brunette’s bedroom. It’s almost as if she had lived there, that homey feeling had sunk into her skin so deep that she wanted to ask Sandra to let her move in with her. But before Lou could even touch the door, the bedroom opened, revealing the brunette with a tray of food on hand.
“Oh…” Lou chuckled, suprised to stand in front of the brunette, even more suprised to see the fact that she prepared food, “Good morning?” She muttered in a questioning manner, “We’re playing wives, aren’t we?”
Her quirky question didn’t pull Sandra out of her reverie – standing there, the brunette looked so shocked to see her; as if she didn’t know that Lou stayed the night. The brunette gazed at her, as if she was questioning herself if Lou was real or not. It didn’t take a minute before Sandra was able to bring herself back to reality as she walked past Lou, putting the tray of food on bed.
“Breakfast’s ready.” Sandra spoke, glancing back at the stunned blonde by the door.
“Are you wife-ing me up?” Lou asked, walking back towards the bed, “I hope you don’t mind, I wore this shirt.”
Sandra smiled at her, “I don’t mind. It suits you.”
“What? The wife part or the shirt?” Lou countered, taking a full bite of the bacon sandwich Sandra prepared.
The brunette cackled lightly, her featherlight voice seemed to have been crafted from the voices of goddesses that Lou stopped eating to look at her as she laughed. There was something odd and ephemeral that morning, Lou knew, but she wanted to bask in the brunette’s glory and was hoping it won’t fade away.
“So which part? Stop laughing like you want me to fall for you because I have already.” Lou groaned, standing up to hug Sandra by her waist, “So which part suits me?”
“I’m going home.” Sandra mumbled, her eyes taking Lou in like she was a preserved photo in a museum.
“What do you mean home?”
“New York.” And suddenly, all the weight in the world came landing down on Lou, “So this? Whatever we are doing right now, should stop. It must end.” The brunette added, freeing herself from Lou’s arms before she started to pace around in the room, a little frantic, but obviously shattered too, “There’s no us, Lou.”
And who says paper cuts deeper? Sandra’s words did. The mirth that was just floating around the air seconds ago disappeared like smoke and all of a sudden, the world became a rotten piece of nightmare. In her quite aching, Lou slowly sat back on the bed, trying to digest what Sandra had told her. Home? Denmark wasn’t home, was it? She felt powerless as she felt the cozy bed underneath her, limbless and godless as she looked up, only to get in contact with Sandra’s eyes that were screaming her a goodbye.
“You loved her so much.” Lou started, acknowledging the fact that she could never be the love of her life.
“I love her so much. After all these years, I still do.”
She corrected her. It was not a past tense, but a damn present and Lou knew how shattered her heart was as she bent her head down, trying to decipher how this brunette woman could make her feel this way.
“Damn.” The blonde wasn’t able to restrain herself from spilling out a curse anymore, she let her fingers run through her hair in frustration, trying to mask the tears wanting to spill, “Can I beg you to stay?” And when she asked her, it was when the blonde’s tears fell like a blazing rain, “I can pretend to be her and you can pretend to love me, please?”
“I wish I could. I wish I could just stay and have my peace and forget about her so I could start anew. I came to this place wanting to be reborn and fuck it…” Sandra almost pulls her hair out of frustration as she sat on the floor, perhaps too weak to know she had just broke Lou’s heart, “…I wish I could just stay here and be my happiest with you, but every time I look at you since the night you stood naked in front of me or any woman I’ve met, my heart yells at me, frustratingly and stubbornly, yelling at me that you’re not her. I wish I could just bury this damn yearning inside because honestly? Damn that fucking Cate Blanchett, but what can I do? This heart of mine is just so stubborn that if only I could replace this, I would. I wish you were her so I could be my happiest now, but you aren’t.”Â
“Can’t you just forget about her?”
“Can you really forget someone who has become so well-tangled with your heart?”
“Damn her.” Lou cussed, standing up from the bed before she walked towards the window, “So this is it? What about us?”
Sandra’s tears fell, but she was so quick to wipe it away, “There’s no us, Louise. There was never an ‘us’ to begin with.”Â
A loud thud broke the stillness of the room as Lou kicked the wall with her bare foot, “Damn it.”
“I’m sorry.”
Lou looked at her, her eyes already red from crying, but beneath it, was the immense sorrow peeking at the brunette. The blonde never said a thing, but for Sandra, her dejected stare was enough to portray how hurt she was.
“I’m sorry…” Sandra uttered once more, her head bent down at the floor, too ashamed to look at the blonde by the window.
Lou never replied. Instead, she walked back to the bedside table and started dressing herself up. Sandra just watched as the blonde wore the clothes she had yesterday.
“I’m flying back home tomorrow.”
The brunette knew it was a futile thing to say because what for? It could only break Lou’s heart even more, but for Sandra, she just felt like it was something she needed her to know. She watched as Lou fixed herself, not saying anything and she was not expecting a reply too because she knew she didn’t deserve one. Just as Lou was about to walk out of the bedroom door, she stopped, glancing back at Sandra.
“I love you.” A pause, the seconds felt like an hour of burial as Lou’s eyes welled with tears once more, “You take care, Sandy. You take care.” And just like that, Lou walked out, closing the door softly as if she had never walked in on it.
As Sandra heard the door closed, why did it feel like Cate was the one leaving and not Lou?
***
Comment