The taxicabs lining up at the airport lane, the cruise of people walking with different baggage on their shoulders, the smell of airport coffee and the peaceful chaotic noise the airport innately had. It was a hand-me-down life. Sandra knew that as she sat there, heartbroken at the boarding area – she knew she was not the first woman to be feeling that way. Despite that achy feeling deep inside her, she tried her best not to shed a single tear. Why would she cry when it was her decision all along? It was her discretion to leave a love that could potentially be hers – a love that could end all the wars in her head because she chose to chase for Cate’s love, that she, herself knew was long dead. Sandra was letting love destroy the tiniest sanity she had left in her, and although she was utterly aware, she still hadn’t acknowledged the fact that while she was letting it do so, she could also be ruining someone else’s.
Pulling up her brave facade, like a five year old kid composing herself up for a dental appointment, the brunette held onto her phone a little tighter. Lou’s figure walking out of her room kept on replaying in her mind and deep down, she had wished for her phone to ring; she had wished for Lou’s number to show up, wished to hear her voice on the line and beg her not to go.
Amongst the apparition of strangers in the airport, a tiniest speck of hope flickered into Sandra, she wished Lou would show up with her shoulders ragged and down, eyes bluer than usual, and would tell her to stay. It was a fuck up thinking because Sandra knew that even if the blonde would come running down the airport for her, ready to give her the world, she knew it in herself that she would still choose to chase Cate’s ghost.
“Attention passengers for Flight 0306 to New York City, JFK International Airport. Your flight is now boarding at Gate 7. Please have your boarding pass and identification ready for inspection. Please note: all carry-on baggage must fit under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. Any items that do not meet these requirements will need to be checked. Thank you for choosing Qatar Airways. We wish you a safe and enjoyable flight.”
As the boarding announcement roared, the people started to trudge their way, ready to leave, but the brunette stayed seated. Sandra wanted to leave, she knew, but she was also wishing for a text coming from Lou. She roamed her eyes around, wishing for a pair of familiar blue eyes in the sea of strangers, but there was none.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your final call for flight 0306 to New York City. Please proceed to Gate 7. All passengers must have their boarding passes and identification ready for inspection. We wish you a safe and pleasant journey.”
The brunette sighed. Her eyes started to dwell with so much tears, but she kept it all in. With a grieving heart, she opened her phone to text Lou goodbye.
To: That Bar Owner 💗
I’m afraid this message will be left unread by you, but this is me, gathering up my flickering courage to say I am deeply sorry for what I’ve put you through. Louise, you are a magnificent woman who deserves the best and I ain’t. You’ve made me feel all the things I thought I would never ever feel again, and for that, I thank you.
But you see, a woman made up of trauma will always feel homesick of the pain. I am sorry for leaving the “us” that could have emerged. But please understand you don’t deserve a broken woman – you don’t deserve to kiss pieces of me. At the moment, I am not whole yet hence I don’t want you scrambling for pieces of myself. I have some baggages I need to let go so let me do this first. If you and I are truly meant to be together, sooner or later, our paths will cross again and perhaps, that time I have finally let go of everything already.
For now, this is me saying my goodbye to you. Despite this, I want you to know that the shortest time I had with you will forever hold me the longest.
Take care always, Louise.
As the message sent, Sandra gathered all her things and started to walk through the boarding gate, ready to finally face New York once again.
—–
The loud ringtone of her phone jolted Sandra awake. As her eyes fluttered open, it was the glory of the New York sun that greeted her. That patriotic peacefulness that the chaos of the busy morning brings started to seep through her veins. As the brunette rolled on her bed, her eyes up on her ceiling, it was when the realization that she was back home hit her.
She didn’t know what will conspire on that day, but she sure knew she ought to meet Jennifer in her home, meet with Akira because apart from that fact that she missed them so much, she kinda needed to thank her best friend for keeping her house all clean and composed. Nothing has really changed in her home though; all the things that she had left were still in their places, like someone lived there – it was oddly clean for a house that had never been lived for almost seven years.
The brunette reached for her phone as she sat on her bed. The message she sent for Lou did not receive a reply, but what could she expect? She blocked her right after sending that. A tangible smack on her own head thud as Sandra realized how intense her stupidity was.
“Of course, you idiot. How could she reply when you blocked her number.” She muttered.
If Sandra would write the tragedy that struck her the most, it wouldn’t be the fact that Cate left in thin air because their story literally succumbed to its death and she knew that reviving a death like that would only kill them both. In the seabed of her regret, the tragedy she would pick would be Lou. Lou, who was a better version of Cate – who was ready to give everything Cate did not, that woman who was ready to give her the love Cate was not able to give. But the damn thing was, despite the fact that Lou was the better one, she couldn’t love her the way she deserves to because her heart was tied to someone already.
The what ifs and the what could have beens will kill her one day, Sandra knew. What she didn’t know was that as she sat on her bed, with the Manhattan sun fanning her face, Lou was in the airport, ready to chase her.
***
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