The blaring music made its way to my ears so beautifully. How could one find such tranquility in chaos? I thrived in it, I’ve lived in it. It’s the only thing that ever made sense to me. Chaos called me like a moth to a flame, sanity was the ground i trampled upon. I sighed and took it all in. The contrast of the lit house stood out against all the sleeping ones waiting to be woken up. This made sense, i could work with it. My fingers twitched at the stench of alcohol. People just as messed up as i was without a cure, i smiled at the thought.
I found Jessica dancing in the middle of the crowd. Four drinks in and i could barely make out the color of the clothing she wore. It wasn’t enough, i needed to forget i lived. I smirked lazily at her, the edges of my lips pulled upwards on their own accords. “I need whatever you’re having.” She chuckled as her hands found their way around my waist.
“It’s misery.” The sarcasm didn’t quite match my tone, it sounded foreign on my lips as if they were pulled out of me. I brought my head to her ear just for her to hear.
“It’s always been easy.” I slurred. Her eyebrows furrowed up in confusion before she asked what i was talking about. I threw my head back and chuckled lightly, “getting over someone, I’ve never needed to get over anyone.” The cockiness laced in my words never left, even when i was drunk.
“What changed?” She asked so softly i heard the pity and understanding behind it. “Everything.” I sighed and slumped my head down. She ran her hand through my hair and i was grateful for it. It was better to reveal something so personal to someone I didn’t have close relations with than someone who would care. “When I’m with him jess nothing exists its like- i struggled to gain my words-its like its just me and him and all i can think about is how wonderful he is even though he tries not to be.” The truth.
“So whats stopping you?” She asked me as if it was the easiest thing in the world. “I don’t want to ruin him.” My own words stung even as i was the one who confessed them. My whole life all I’ve ever done is run, Alystair was right i was a coward at heart. “In the end I’ll ruin everything and I’ll hate myself for it.”
The ghost of a smile laid on my lips, “his soul is so pure i do not wish to ruin it with the likes of my own. He deserves far better.” It hurt to think about it, to think of him with someone else but if his happiness lies with someone else i will gladly let down my own. There’s a blade in my heart and he is at the end of it.
My phone rang in my pocket just as i was consumed by self pity.
Alystair.
A/n
This is a very short chapter in just wanted to give an insight into romens mind, my boy deserves happiness shame but I WILL BE PUTTING OUT LONGER CHAPTERS THS WEEK!!! 😉
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