Asher’s POV:
I just kissed Jay!
He just kissed me back!
We just kissed!!!!
Thoughts threatened to run through my mind, the negative ones, the ones that cut up and bury every once of happiness I feel, trying to infect me with their spews of nonsense I always give into, because some part of me always believes them. But not this time, this time I shoved them to the deepest depths of my subconscious praying they never resurfaced.
I stared into his mesmerising emerald eyes, I could see the happiness and Ecstasy pouring out of them matching the grin the spread across his face. I still can’t believe I kissed him. I made the first move, he let me make the first move, he gave me that decision and I loved every second of it. It was nerve racking at first, but as soon as my lips touched his It felt like I just melted. All the pain I felt, and the fear and angst just slipped away, something I had been praying for since that day. Since my mother died I have been in pain, I have suffered and hurt and I’m tired of it. And now? It just vanished, the weight I have been carrying for three years just dropped into thin air, I can finally breath.
“That just happened,”Jay breathes out, but his smile I love so much never wavers the slightest.
“Y-yeah.”I all I can conjure up to say. But then his face falls slightly and fear and regret take place, however his eyes stay in that state of euphoria.
“Look, I know this it going to be hard,”he starts, peaking my curiosity, but also my fear.
“You can’t stand in the shower with your ankle, I know your still scared, and I hate it. I hate that your afraid because just seeing you like that hurts me.” I instantly tense at the mention of the subject as the fear slowly crawls its way into me, But my heart also swells at that thought that he cares that much about me, that he cared at all.
“So were going to figure this out, you need a bath before you get sick, that and the water is getting cold. Today you’re facing you’re fear head on, and I’m going to be right here by you’re side. I promise.”He vows. The fear slowly enclosing me, but this time I fight it off. He eyes soften with care after his words, I know he’s right, that I have to get over this and finally stop cowering behind it. The thought it’s self is terrifying, but I trust Jay. With him, with a simple touch I feel safer, so if I’m ever going to get over this now would be the best time. I slowly, timidly nod my head, I don’t think he could even notice it, but he did and his eyes lit up ever so slightly.
He told me he’s going to stay with me the whole time, that he was always going to be there to help me through it, and he wasn’t joking. At first I was skeptical about it, my usual self consciousness taking over, but I push through it anyway. I take of all my clothes apart from my boxers, now being completely exposed to him. The first thing he does is frown, he glares at my broken and bruised body with pure hatred. I’m about to cry out in pain, the pain that he hated what I looked like, how I was so damaged and ugly, how I was littered with vile scars and unnatural colours from bruises that covers my ghost pale skin, how my bones stuck out in almost all places making me look like a skeleton from the bio class. I shake like a leaf as my arms subconsciously wrap around my upper body in attempts to shield myself. But I’m wrong, I’m proven wrong when his body crashes Ito mine, his arms wrap so tightly and protectively around me, sending all my thoughts out the window, but I still trembled in his embrace despite how he made me feel sheltered and secure.
“It’s ok….I think you’re beautiful, honestly I do no doubt about it.”His words send heat to the tips of my ears and across my cheeks, curse me and blushing.
“I’m not mad at you, I’m mad that you didn’t tell my mom you were still hurt when she asked you, why did you hide it?”He questions, but I truly had no answer. Ive gotten so use to hiding my pain, gotten used to everyone just ignoring my injuries that it seemed for foreign to let some else care for me, I just took care of myself.
“I-I d-don’t know.”I reply truthfully. He sighs but lets it go as we pull apart. I could tell he had a thousand questions swimming around in his head, I could tell he was itching to ask them too, but he didn’t.
Taking my hand he slowly leads me to the edge of the bath tub, my terror and panic skyrocketing at just the sight of the clear, still liquid. Jay takes my other hand that are now seating like crazy, and allows me to keep hold of them. I need to hold his hands, I didn’t realise it but that was the only thing keeping my from dashing out the door, him, his touch that sent waves of calmness to battle my irrational fear.
He encouraged he with his words as I slowly step straight into my biggest phobia. The warm water touched my skin, I wanted it to feel nice, to feel the least bit gratifying like it used to, but it didn’t. All I felt was the cold, bitter, numbing and unforgiving sea.
once I had both legs in the water Jay was still holding me, his face lit up ever so slightly with pride when I managed to slowly sit down, swallowing the angst. But it didn’t last long.
It happens to suddenly, like all the courage I built up till this point just crumble with in the second. I feel how my lungs felt like they were going to explode as I desperately attempt to get air into them, but its helpless. I feel the suffocation, I feel how my life was slipping through my fingers, how I was battered around by the monstrous force os the currents, how I just kept sinking, kept falling further and further away from the light that shone through in majestic rays and into the dark depths below.
My arms shoot around Jay, clinging to him like he was my life support, trying to escape it all, to be free of the pain as he holds me as tightly as possible. I still couldn’t breath, I still couldn’t get air to fill my lungs as they began to burn.
“Asher! Come on ok, you can do this, you just have to breath.”He try’s to comfort but It’s dosen’t break me free from the flashes of my past.
“Asher please!! You have to breath!!!”he pleaded, his grip around me tightening significantly, but I wanted him to hold me closer.
“BREATH AHSER!!”I try, I try so hard. I feel his tears touch my back, I hear his sobs and pleas. And the painful lump in my throat it suddenly broken, allowing air to flood my lungs, reliving them from the burning torture.
“Oh thank god!!”Jay breaths out, his body letting out a breath he too had been holding.
I stay in his arms, half my body in the water while my top half is enclosed in Jay. He dosen’t move, he just slowly rocks us and rubs soothing curls on my back, whispering how proud he was of me and how It’s going to be ok, and I believed him.
When I finally control my breathing and clam down just enough he pulls away from me, I instantly miss his warmth as I suddenly feel empty.
“Come on, lets wash that gorgeous hair of yours.”He says with a smile that contradicts his slightly red eyes. I don’t reply, not having the strength to talk, but he understands.
He never lets go of my hand as he goes to get the shampoos and soaps from the edge of the tub, but he eventually has to let go of me to squeeze it into his hands. I miss his feeling of safety, I have to remind my self that he’s right there, that I’m still safe with him sitting right next to me, my mind still bombarding me with terrors I’m just barley holding at bay.
He starts to message the shampoo into my hair and scalp, being carful around my scar. It should feel amazing and soothing, and in some small form it does, but I don’t have that luxury to experience that bliss, my mind still torturing me and my heart still pounding against my chest as I hug my knees to my chest.
I don’t realise when he finishes my hair and helping my soap, still stuck in a some what daze. But when he gets up to leave I feel that panic instantly rises all over again.
Why is he leaving? Did I do something wrong? Please don’t leave me!!
I silently beg. He returns less than a minute later, yet it felt like an eternity. He has a large grey towel in hand and comes back over to me to help me out of the tub of nightmares. As soon as my feet touch the bath mat he wraps the soft, fluffy towel around my entire body, almost drowning me in it, the pulls me into his arms once more.
“See, that wasn’t so hard was it?”he chuckles, almost completely eradicating all my uneasiness at once. And I almost smile back at him, almost.
“You’re truly the strongest person I have ever met.”I give his s skeptical look, all I did was take a bath, something normal people do every day because they aren’t as useless and pathetic as I am.
“I’m serious mister!” He laughs, the sound of it sends shivers down my spine in delight, and then I smile. He garbs another towel and starts drying my hair, and for some reason I feel this glee spread through me, completely erasing the last of my pain and I let a small giggle slip my lips.
“DID YOU JUST LAUGH!!!”
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