Loving The Lost Chapter 25

Asher’s POV:

I’m in a dark abyss. It’s just black all around me, just nothing. No floor or walls, just endless black all around. I feel a numb pain well…everywhere. Like its old pain, and ache that covers my entire body, every muscle and bone. I don’t feel like I’m breathing exactly. It’s not like in choking or suffocating, just not breathing. Were am I? What happened? why am I in pain again? Well that’s obvious, either Justin or dad no doubt. Am I sleeping? Did they finally beat me to death? Is that were I am, dead? If it is it sucks.

I strain my mind to remember why I’m like this. At first I see Jays face, he’s crying. Then I see dad and I remember all he did to me. But Jay was there right? He came back for me I swear, god please tell me it wasn’t a dream. Did he really come back? I see flash’s of him. He’s crying and begging but I can’t understand what he’s saying, his lips are moving but I cant hear it. I want to know what hes saying, I have to know what happened!

Suddenly the darkness because suffocating, I feel like it closing around me and trapping me in like a prison. I panic feeling incredibly claustrophobic. I have to get out! Come on stupid mind let me out!! I calm to conclusion I’m in some sort of sleep or something, so all I have to do is wake up right? Easy enough.

It’s not easy.

Eventually I just want to scream and shout out my frustration until my throat burns, but even that I cant do. After what feels like and eternity my eye finally slip open to the burning light. There’s a steady beeping sound that I can’t pinpoint and I have a mask on my face, why do I have and oxygen mask on my face?

AND WHY DOES MY THROAT FEEL LIKE IT WAS RIPPED APART!!!

Everything feels foreign.

The room is foreign.

The strange feeling of lightness is foreign.

I look down at my hands and I see Jay, hes laying on my bed holding my hand. But the hands is rapped in white bandages around the wrist, the skin a strange ale colour.

My hand is foreign. It isn’t mine.

The body feels foreign, like I’m trapped in someone else’s body.

The skin, the heart, the pain, the air.

It’s not mine.

It’s not mine.

It’s not me.

The weight on the bed moves, jay is up on his feet beside me in a an instant. He’s staring at me, he’s saying something. I cant hear it. It’s drowned out, like I’m under water. Then i realise that I can breath, its stuck, theres a mask on my face but it feels like theres no air.

No air.

No space.

No life.

Jay is shouting, I can tell. He’s holding my face in his hands, he’s shouting but I still can hear. My skin tingles, then it burns. Everywhere burns, everywhere they touched burns. I can’t get out, I need to get out, I need the skin to get off me, I need to breath.

But I can’t.

I don’t know what I’m doing, this body that isn’t mine is moving and thrashing. It’s scratching my skin, its trying to get their hands off me, trying to get them off me. Theres more people in the room now. To many people in the room. My chest hurts from how hard my heart is thumping. And I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything. I don’t know what happening, what I’m doing, where I am, who these people are. I don’t understand and I cant think. Because I’m trying and trying but its to hard, I can think, its like a fog and I’m trying to see whats in it but its too thick, too white, too blurred.

I feel something in my arm, I’m not sure what it was, bit soon the fog thins out and the limbs that arn’t mine fall limp and lifeless. I can breath again, and my heart slows down.

Soon I can hear again too. The still-too-fast heart monitor beating, and the utter silence of everyone in the room as they all stare at me, waiting for me. I realise there are a lot of people in the room. Two nurses, Jay, Lily and their mom. But thats still too much, too small. My chest feels stuffy, the room feels stuff, I just feel trapped.

I look at Jay, and try to ignore or everyone else. Seeing his face calms me a bit, but his eyes threaten to rip my heart from my chest in a way my father never could. He looks scared. He stares at me from the thousand miles that seem between us, and he’s terrified. I don’t know if he’s terrified of me, and I’m praying he isn’t. Slowly, very slowly, he steps forward whilst everyone else stays where they are. Far away from me.

Jay hasn’t torn his eyes from me yet whilst mine flicks around the room, taking in every detail. he stops right at my bed, and his eyes soften as he looks at me now, asking for permission. And as I look back its like I’m being drawn back to earth, back to life, back to this very room that just didn’t feel real before. And suddenly the small distance between us is to big. It’s a chasm, large and dark and deep, and he’s too far away on the other side. I realise that I need him here, on this side. I try to speak but I know before I open my mouth that I can’t. I ty to move, but I’m too weak to lift a finger. So I just stare right back at him, and I beg and I plead that he understands that I need him.

He does.

he comes closer and his hand hovers over he, his touch ghosting my skin, but hes not daring to touch. He scared to touch me.

“Is it ok,”he asks “if I touch you.” And I can feel the tears burning my eyes, and one escapes and scorches a hot trail down my face. My head pounds, it feels like its abut to explode if I move an inch, but I manage the smallest nod, and he sees it, and with in the second his hand closes the gap and strokes that lone hot tear from my cheek. I can stop it, cant block it, can do anything because I have no control over this body anymore and the tears come out as a flood, never ending, never stopping. A steady flow as a sob claw up my throat, its painful for any form of sound to come up, and it hurts more then it ever has before, but its comes out over and over, and I’m sobbing and my body is shaking. Jay moves to wrap his arms around me, and he hold this body together when it feels like its being ripped apart.

The contact of his skin on mine doesn’t burn like the others, but I know it feels uncomfortable. It’s a sensation this body is trying to reject but I wont let it, I wont let anything take him away from me. So I’m left feeling this tingling sensation, teetering on the edge of comfort and pain, like this body didn’t know if it hated or loved it. But he held on to me and I cried and sobbed and trembled to hard I felt in in my bones. I couldn’t hug him back, I still couldn’t move my arms, weather from the drugs or my mind, they couldn’t move.

He whispers to me things I want to believe. Things like ‘it’s going to be okay’ and ‘it’s over now’ but I don’t think I can really believe them.

The nurses left the room to get the doctor and Jay reluctantly untangled his limbs from me, although I really didn’t want him too. Because in his arms I didn’t think of anything but him, now I actually have to think, I can think. And thats the last thing I want to do, the last thing I let myself do. So I still look at him and try to soak up his presence to numb everything else out.

I don’t notice the doctor walk in until I feel another presence beside my bed. My body instantly stiffens, which causes more pain as the drugs slowly fade and the aching of my…well everything, comes flooding back. I dont look at him, I stare at Jay for as long a I can get away with. He takes my hand and smiles before the doctor starts and I have to look at him.

“Are in a lot of pain? If so any ware specific?”he asks. I go to reply but as soon as a sound leaves my mouth my throat burned and felt like it was being torn out.

“Its ok if you can’t talk just yet. We had to Intubate because you were unable to breath on our own, your throat and vocal cords was extremely soar in the first place as well so it will take time for it to heal….Thankfully you stared breathing on your own again so we removed the tube, you vitals show your stable enough the remove the mask as well. “he explains and I just nod my head, but when he makes a move to take off the mask panic suddenly consumes me like a wave of fear. I flinch back with with fearful eyes and grasps desperately onto Jays hand. The doctor looks a bit taken back but doesn’t come any closer. He send he a sad smile full of pity then turns to Jay who takes up the silent command to removed the mask from my face. The cool air hits my lips and face that was covered and I feel like I was inhaling fresh air for the first time.

The silence that looms over us in broken by the doctor who held a grim expression he tried to cover up as best possible.

“I would like to speak with Asher here, ask a few questions, nothing serious. Of course when he was admitted the police and child protective services where called due to the nature of his injuries and you all will be asked if you would like to answer some questions. But for now, I need to check on him and see the condition then the police will be let in shortly. If you dont mind I have to ask everyone except the guardian – which is you Miss Walker as his god mother.” He firmly states. Lily leaves with out a second though, thankfully leaving the door open, and I’m not sure why I’m so relived about that. But as Jay gets up to leave I refuse to let his hand go, my anxiety and fear spiking once again to the point were I slightly tremble and squeezing the life out of his hand. I feel like if he left I would lose this battle I can even see. It seems a bit pathetic but I cant care less right now. Jay glances between me and the doctor as I plead with desperate eyes like a child.

“Uh….well I guess you can stay if it causes Asher that much discomfort. But I must inform you that due to doctor patient confidentiality, the information shard in this room is not to be shared with out his consent.”

“Yes, yh totally I get it.”Jay hastily reply while sitting back down beside me. I relax a bit as he rubs his thumb over my knuckle awaiting the doctors words.

“I do apologise for having to do this now seen as you have just woken up, but it’s protocol. The injures are quite severe but should heal completely over time; broken ribs, fractured wrist, we managed to re-inflate you left lung that was punctured. There are many bruises around your ankles and wrists mostly . Your have malnutrition and severe blood loss on top of that which cause weak bones and increase the healing time, but you will get better.” He explains and I feel Jay shift uncomfortably and Cathrin gasp from the corner her of the room.

“But its your other injury I would like to speak about.” He continues “Your body has older bruising and a considerable amount of scarred tissue, these indicate to abuse to a sever degree….and you have torn. I dont need to know what happened, that is not my job. But you are required to go to mandatory therapy being a victim to abuse and rape…”I froze at the word. No one has ever called it that, I’ve never called it that. Admitted tat to myself. I know thats what they did to me but hearing someone else slap it in my face just makes it so real, it makes my feel like I’ve been used, and broken even more. It shoves all the pain I’ve had over the years in my face, and I hate it, because I know I didn’t deserve it, I know that, so now that I’ve accepted it why does it still hurt? Why do I still feel like I’m suffocating and trapped? why do I still feel disgusting, dirty, like a ‘slut’ if I know its not my fault. Why did he have to do this to me? Why did he have to hurt me even know that he’s gone? I’m safe now. I’m free and I have Jay…so why am I still afraid to be left alone in a room with the doctor, why do I still hate to be touched? Why am I still broken?

My eyes burn as my mind runs with the reality that I lived. I don’t realise that I’m now in Jays arms, or that my breathing is short and shallow now. I snap back to reality and out of my head with Jays arms around me, telling me to calm down and that its ok now. Even crying hurts but I do it anyway, I cry and sob into Jays until I have nothing left to cry, until I feel weak and light, until I calm down enough he could let go.

The doctor left to speak with Cathrin privately about the therapy and treatments. Ive been told I have to stay at the hospital for a while until they clear me as stable, minimum a week depending on how it goes. They told me I cant be transported to the hospital in Jays town right now, but after the week is up and we go there, thats where I will go for check ups and stuff. But I don’t really care where I am, its a hospital either way, because I’m bent and broken and I cant even fucking close my eyes with out fear, can’t close the door or be left in a room alone or with too many people. I literally can’t do anything. And as the seconds tick by, that turn into minutes and hours, I can feel all the hope of a normal life, of just being able to be free, slip away like a leaf in the wind. Carried away never to be seen again.

Jay refuses to leave. Its almost 9 in the evening and Cathrin got a hotel near the hospital for them to stay but Jay refused to go, much to the annoyance of the hospital security. The only reason he’s still allowed here is because my doctor who I’ve come to know as Dr Kent, told security to basically leave us alone, which I’m entirely great full for. I don’t think I would have managed even a single night on my own, in some plain room in a building full of strangers. The nurse came in with a second bed, but as soon as she left he came over to mine. Minding the wires, tubes and other stuff I have no idea what, and as gently as he can with my pained body, he slips under the covers and lets me lay across his chest as best I can, even with pain killers pumping into me like a damn river I can still barely move.

We lay in silence, in the dark. Im afraid to sleep, I cant. I cant go through it again, I cant survive my mind relaying every second of pain I felt, every time I didn’t fight back, couldn’t fight back, then I just lay limp on the floor bleeding out when no one came for me. Before I fell asleep from exhaustion, just blank plain and peaceful sleep, but know I’m not going to be that luck this time. I know Jays isn’t asleep either, I cant feel his peaceful smooth breaths on my skin, his muscles weren’t relaxed around me. no, he held me tightly almost suffocating, but I needed it. And his breathing was shallow too, so I knew he wasn’t asleep.

Soon I couldn’t handle it, the darkness of the room consuming me as it closed in. I kept feeling it, alone in the stupid dumb basement, kept smelling the mold and blood, kept hearing the slow drops of water from a leaky pipe. Jay notices my change into panic and holds me tighter but its not calming me down, not taking me away from it all. I have to get out, get free of it. I shoot up causing my ribs more steering pain, and switch on the small bedside lamp. It provided little light, just enough for my to see my hands, but it wasn’t dark anymore. Jay helps me sit up and doesn’t let go of me.

“Its ok now, your safe now and I’m right here.”he kept repeating words of comfort, but as much as he tried to hide it I could here the pain in his voice. I know he’s in pain seeing me like this. Since the ‘chat’ with Dr Kent he’s been quiet, distant. I know why, at least I think I do, either he’s upset I didn’t tell him, or hurt that it happened to me in the first place and he didn’t know.

I eventually calm down and he reaches for his phone. At first I’m confused, but then Sleeping At Last starts playing out the speakers and filling the room, casing away the darkness that was left. With his soothing arms around me and the music playing I somehow felt the room get a bit brighter, a bit warmer. No longer in the basement but I was in his arms. I felt tear begin to roll down my cheek as the eventually hit his skin. He takes my face in his hands and gently wipes the liquid from my skin

“Hey, hey it’s alright. I’m right here and I ain’t leaving anytime soon.” his voice is so calm, so full of love and sincerity. I still can’t speak, wont even try, but I need him to know. So I take his phone and type it as my fingers shake over the letters.

“Thank you.“I simply type. I have so much to say as the nerves build in side me.

“you don’t have to thank me, I was just keeping a promise.”he reply’s with that smile that graces his face. The smile I love. I love his smile, his caring heart, his soothing voices and his strong, safe arms. I love that he has a funny side, and that he may appear big and strong but he would hurt a fly. I love the way he cares for me, I love that he’s trying to help me read, that he’s still by my side, that he saved my from my father with out hesitation. I love his eyes and his lips, his laugh and how he always seemed to understand me even if I don’t speak.

“I love you“I type onto the glowing screen. He reads it and instantly tear fall from his perfect green orbs.

“I love you too, I love you so so so SO so much, I, I cant even describe.”He stutters on his words as his face lights up the room more than the lamp. He’s millimetres from my face, and he hesitates for a second, even I hesitate. There’s still fear before he kisses me, I don’t think fear will ever leave me, but I reassure myself that this is Jayson Francisco Walker. The boy how moved to his mothers old town, and by pure coincidence or destiny – what ever you like to believe – walked straight into my life. The boy who talked to me and became my friend, the boy who sat with my on the roof top and held me at night and kissed me in the morning.

The boy who changed his life for me.

Who sacrificed so much for me.

Who saved me.

The kiss was not harsh, it didn’t hold lust or desire.  It was gentle, full of the love we hold for one another. Suddenly I don’t feel afraid right now, I don’t feel suffocated or drowned. I wasn’t free just yet, but I could breath and that was more then I could dream for.

Jay knew exactly what to do to help me even though I didn’t. He’s my anchor to this world, my tether and guide, with him I’m not lost anymore, I’m not empty inside and hollow. I was drowning before he came and he pulled my out, helped me breath again, helped me become a person again instead of the shell I was before.

He found me….because he was willing to love me even though I was lost.

Oh. My. Fucking. GOD!!!! I just finishes loving the lost! I finished a book AND I FEEL SO HYPED RN. This is the first book I’ve finished omfg.

Well technically I haven’t finished it yet, you haven’t seen the last of Asher and Jay, trust me. They still have a long ways to go, and long journey to healing from the past and facing new struggles, even revisiting some old demons. This story is not yet over folks…its just beginning.

Thank you so much if you managed to read to the end of my story. I rly hope you enjoyed it and it brought some light into your day/however long it took you to read it. Well its sort of a depressing book….and it ended really depressingly….and there more depressing shit to come. So I guess it would exactly bring ‘light’ into your day, eh who cares Asher and Jay are fucking cute sooooo. Anyway thx for reading and I hope to see you again in another one of my stories. Byeeeeeee.