Before I came out, going out with my hockey team was an every weekend occurrence. We would spend Friday and Saturday night together and then go out together again after church on Sundays. At the time it was great, since they were all my close friends, but once I was cast out I didn’t know if I would ever feel that sense of belonging again.
Sitting in the burger shop with my new hockey team wasn’t exactly a comfortable experience. These guys had been friends since they had been on the team together, and all of a sudden and new comer was intruding on their get together.
I was that new comer. And I definitely felt like an outcast.
Ryan and Jude did their best to help me feel included, but I was practically being ignored by the rest of them. Part of me wondered if Fox told them to keep away from me. That would explain why his friend, Ian, was already being so cold to me without even knowing me. Either that, or he was a homophobe.
“So Elijah,” Ryan started as I took a sip of my shake. All eyes were on me for the first time this afternoon and I didn’t know whether I was happy with the attention, or if it made me want to crawl in a hole and die.
“How was your night with Trevor?” Ryan asked suggestively, moving his eyebrows.
My face heat up as I hear Josh chuckle from beside me. I didn’t dare look at Fox, knowing there was a scowl being directed at me.
“It was, uh, it was fine,” I stammered, looking down at my plate.
“Just fine?” Jude asked smugly, sharing a look with Ryan.
I nodded, not knowing what else to say. Quite frankly, I didn’t want to say anything else at all.
“I’m confused,” Alex stated with his mouth full of veggie burger. “Are you and Trevor goin’ out or somethin’?”
I groaned aloud to which Josh started laughing at my expense along with Ryan and Jude. Alex continued looking as confused as ever, looking to Ian and Fox as if they would explain the situation to him.
“We’re just messing with you, Ellis,” Ryan laughed, shaking his head playfully. “Lighten up a bit.”
I sent him a closed lip smile and looked back down at my plate. I knew I should take Ryan’s advice and lighten up a bit, but I couldn’t help but struggle with feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere at my new school. Not only did I feel out of place with the GSA kids, but I felt like an outsider on my own hockey team. My team was supposed to be my family, but it felt as though I connected with no one at this school, despite being welcomed by quite a few people.
“I’m still confused,” Alex interjected, his face looking lost.
I looked over to Fox and noticed him roll his eyes out of annoyance before taking a small sip of his shake in front of him.
“You’re an idiot,” Fox told Alex pointedly.
Alex just waved him off and took a bite of his veggie burger, completely unbothered by Fox’s insult.
“You ready for real practice to start next week, Ellis?” Jude asked, changing the subject, which I was grateful for.
I nodded. “I’m sure I’ll manage.”
My response elicited a scoff from Fox and I shot him an offended look. Surely he wouldn’t have let me on the team if he thought I couldn’t handle it, but at this moment he was acting as if he knew I couldn’t. Maybe he was just hoping I would fail.
“What?” I asked, directing my offense at Fox. “You think I can’t handle it?”
Fox looked surprised that I had called him out, but he quickly recovered and sent me a cold look with his eyes dark and stormy, void of any recognizable emotion.
“I think you’re about to see just how hard it’s going to be,” he told me in an arrogant tone. “It’s not the same as prep school hockey, Ellis.”
I rolled my eyes at that. He obviously had no idea what “prep school” hockey entailed. I was sure it was just as difficult as any other highly competitive team. This team would be no different and I would prove Fox wrong. He thought so low of me, but I wouldn’t let him think lowly of my skills on the ice. That was what I took most pride in about myself.
“I’m sure he’ll be fine, Fox,” Josh defended me, shrugging toward his friend, though Fox never took his eyes off of me.
The two of us were caught in a stare down, making it obvious that there was some bad blood between us. If the other guys didn’t know we didn’t like each other before, they sure knew about it now. I could practically feel Josh’s eyes burning holes in the side of my face, wondering what exactly was going on with Fox and me.
I was the first to look away, cursing myself as I glanced down at my plate once again. When I briefly looked back up, I saw Fox with a snide smirk on his face as if he had just won a game. I suppose he had, if he considered our brief argument a game.
“It’ll be all good,” Ryan agreed with Josh, looking between Fox and I. “Kid’s got mad skills, I know you saw it, Fox.”
I couldn’t help but send a snide smirk of my own toward Fox while he fumed quietly in his seat. As long as I had a few guys on the team on my side, Fox wouldn’t be able to get to me. At least someone thought good enough of me to compliment me on my hockey skills.
“Whatever,” Fox finally responded after sharing his glare with Ryan. “I’m just saying, don’t think it’s going to be all fun and games. We’re serious about winning this year. Don’t make me regret putting you on the team.”
The look on Fox’s face as he spoke to me in a condescending irritated me beyond belief. He thought he was so much better than I was, but the truth was, the two of us were more similar than either of us would be proud to admit.
“I think you’re forgetting that I won last year,” I shot back in an angry tone. “As in, I beat you. I have that championship ring and you don’t.”
The guys all looked at me with shocked expressions, even Fox for a few moments before his normal, stoic face was back in order. He crossed his arms over his chest, raising his eyebrows at me. I couldn’t tell if he was impressed that I had held my own against him, or if he was plotting some way to sabotage me. Either way, I mirrored his expression and the two of us were stuck in a stare off once again.
“He kinda got you there, bro,” Ian spoke up for the first time, nudging Fox with his elbow.
“Here’s to hoping you play like a champion then,” Fox replied with an almost sinister expression.
Without letting my strong front falter, I replied, “I do.”
Before any other words could be said, I let my eyes trail past Fox and toward the door of the burger shop. The last people I ever wanted to see came into my vision and I instantly pressed my head to the table, hoping to shield myself from them.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Fox asked, turning around to try and figure out what I had seen.
I didn’t say anything as all of the guys followed Fox’s eyes and looked toward the front of the shop at my old teammates. I was sure they would be able to put two and two together to figure out who they were.
“You think we could hurry up and get out of here?” I asked desperately, keeping my head down.
Fox nodded and the other guys followed, not even hesitating. I was grateful that none of them had asked questions about my sudden wish for departure. Ryan and Josh even walked beside me to keep me shielded as we made our way out of the shop, being sure I wouldn’t be spotted.
I didn’t feel secure until I was in Josh’s car and he had pulled out of the parking lot of the burger shop. He didn’t say anything as he drove behind Fox to get to Ryan’s house, and for that I was thankful. I didn’t have anything to say about my old teammates, and there was no use rehashing old wounds. They were nothing to me, but competitors, and I wanted to keep it that way.
Josh messed with the radio a bit when we were stopped at a traffic light, but still didn’t say anything. I could tell he was curious, but Josh was perceptive enough to know how I felt about the situation. He knew I didn’t want to talk about it, and therefore, he wouldn’t say anything. Not that Josh would say anything even if I did want to talk about it. We had been stepbrothers for years, but we were never close enough to have a heart-to-heart and I didn’t want to start that now.
Soon enough, we pulled up to what I could only assume was Ryan’s house. The house was big, bigger than any I had seen around here, but not as big as the houses of my old friends. Most of the Catholic School kids, especially the ones on the hockey team, were children of rich parents, meaning they basically lived in mansions.
Although it wasn’t a mansion, Ryan’s house was nice. It was an eggshell color with a porch that wrapped around. It appeared to have a nice, well kept yard and the driveway was big enough for about ten cars.
“This is Ryan’s place?” I asked Josh as we stepped out of his car onto the driveway.
Josh nodded. “His dad’s a contractor, he built it.”
I didn’t say anything else as we walked toward the house behind the rest of the guys. Again, I felt oddly out of place. This was the place they hung out together on the weekends and here I was, intruding on their time together. Part of me felt like I should have just stuck with the GSA kids, but I knew I needed to have some type of relationship with my team if we even had a chance of playing well together on the ice.
When we got inside, I followed Josh along with the rest of the guys through the hallway, into the kitchen, and to a set of descending stairs that I assumed led to the basement. Josh wasn’t kidding when he told me that Ryan had a killer finished basement. There was a giant flat screen TV hanging on the wall in front of a large, leather sectional. Beyond that, there was a pool table, an air hockey table, and a foosball table over in an open area of the basement. Tall glass doors led out to a stone patio with a fire pit and in ground pool. Needless to say, I was impressed.
“So, Ellis,” Ryan started, walking closer to me, “This is where the magic happens.”
Alex let out a disgusted scoff. “You’re makin’ it sound like we have gay orgies down here.”
Ryan shot him a dirty look and Alex’s eyes immediately widened as he looked over at me with a panicked expression.
“Not that there’s anything wrong with gay!” he exclaimed quickly. “We just definitely don’t do gay orgies down here.”
I laughed at his words and shook my head playfully.
“Yeah, so don’t get your hopes up, Ellis,” Ian muttered, walking past me to take a seat on the sectional.
I just ignored him. Ian, along with Fox, was someone I decided I would never get to like me, so I wasn’t even going to try. He wasn’t worth the energy.
Alex scoffed aloud at Ian. “Please, he wouldn’t want to have a gay orgy if you were involved. I’m obviously the most attractive one to gay guys. Right Elijah?”
Alex looked at me expectantly along with the rest of the guys and I had no idea what to say. It wasn’t that Alex was unattractive, but I had a feeling if I said that he was, I would only be giving more ammunition to Ian to try and insult me with.
“Alex, stop,” Josh said after looking at me briefly. I must have looked uncomfortable because that was definitely how I felt at that moment.
“He can’t get girls to call him attractive so he’s trying the other team,” Ian snickered, elbowing Fox to get him to laugh along. Fox let out one forced laugh before pulling a straight face and looking over at me.
“You can’t get called attractive by either,” Alex shot back.
“Apparently neither can you,” Ian retorted, crossing his arms over his chest.
Fox rolled his eyes and made his way over to the couches in front of the TV. Josh was soon to follow and I trailer behind him like a lost puppy. At that point, I would do anything to get away from the awkward conversation between Alex and Ian.
Ryan and Jude also left the other two to bicker by the stairs and joined the rest of us at the couches. Ryan picked up the remote for the TV and began scrolling through his Netflix to find something to watch.
“You watch Queer Eye?” I asked him quizzically after seeing it in his recently watched section.
“I was watching it with my sister,” he explained with a smile. “She loves it. Jonathan is her favorite.”
My mood instantly brightened. “I love Jonathan.”
“I’m more of a Karamo guy,” Ryan admitted with a shrug. “He’s cool but he’s also one handsome dude.”
I laughed. “He is.”
“Put on Big Mouth,” Ian interrupted, sitting beside me on the couch.
Ryan rolled his eyes but complied anyway and no one objected. I had never seen the show, but I found it hard to even pay attention to it so I didn’t. Instead of watching with the rest of the guys, I pulled out my phone to see that I had a text from Trevor.
Hope your day with the team is going well 🙂
I never understood where I stood with Trevor. Most of the time I felt as though he only talked to me because he was being nice, but then sometimes he would go out of his way to speak to me and that confused me. He was never necessarily flirty with me, but Josh and my dad seemed to think that he had a crush on me or something. I felt as the the two of us were in this sort of in-between friendship that didn’t seem like it was going to amount to anything more than that.
I decided I should reply to him, considering I was bored out of my mind.
It’s goin good
His reply was almost instant.
I’m glad! I hope they’re making you feel included
I pondered on that for a moment. The only reason I didn’t feel included was because of my own insecurities, not because the hockey guys were doing anything to exclude me. I couldn’t blame them for that, it was my own fault.
They are mostly. still feel a little out of place
That’ll get better with time 🙂
Ya, i’m sure it will
I spent the rest of the night casually texting back and forth with Trevor until Josh decided he was ready to head home. When we bid goodbye to the rest of the guys, I let my eyes linger on Fox for an extra second. He stared back, but this time it wasn’t a look of hatred.
I couldn’t tell what it was, but it was an improvement and I would take what I could get.
**
Hello everyone! Thank you for reading. And thank you for 10k reads!
I decided to update a day early because I decided to write instead of doing my school work lmao. Also, I’m trying to get the reads up on this so there might be an update sooner than next Friday so look out for that.
What do you think about the group of hockey guys? Who’s your favorite of the group besides Elijah?
Comment! Vote! Let me know what you think!
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