Pain in its physical form was manageable. It would go away with time and until then, you could just pop a pain reliever. Emotional pain was much more complex. There was no real cure. You either got over it or you didn’t. The emotional pain I felt wasn’t just from the events earlier in the day but from months of bottled up emotions that have finally come to the surface to suffocate me. I didn’t feel like I was breathing but I knew that I was.
A dull throb ached in my ankle as I limped down the sidewalk away from my house. I obviously wasn’t very experienced in sneaking out my window, stumbling on the way out and rolling my ankle in the process.
Tears furiously fell down my cheeks, my hand roughly swiping them away as I stormed down the sidewalk. It was like all of the feelings I kept inside were pouring out and there was no way I could stop it.
My chest heaved and my ankle throbbed while my feet carried me wherever they wanted without the permission of my mind. The only thing on my mind was the feeling of true loneliness.
I didn’t know how long I had been walking, but it must have been a while because eventually my hair and clothes were damp with rain and my feet took me to the last place I wanted to be.
The church.
I stood in front of it for a few moments, flashbacks of when I used to come here with my friends rushing through my head. I looked at the stone steps in front of the door and remembered when one of my old teammates, Landon, was messing around with Micah and ended up sending him tumbling down the steps. Micah scratched up his leg pretty badly, but we all laughed it off.
I looked past the church and toward the empty parking lot and remembered sitting there in Micah’s car and telling him that I was gay. I remember the stoic look on his face and the way he said nothing as he put the car in drive and drove me home.
The memories haunted me.
My feet had a mind of their own as they dragged me up the stone steps and past the heavy wooden doors into the church. No one had come by to lock the doors yet. They used to leave at least one door unlocked all the time for anyone who wanted to pray but someone had come in and vandalized the church, so members had arranged for people to come lock all the doors every night.
It had felt like ages since I had stepped foot in here. The red carpet looked brighter than I remembered it but the wooden pews looked just as hard and uncomfortable as ever. I glanced up at the second level, remembering the Sundays I had sat up there with my friends while my mother and Dave sat below with the other parents.
I slowly walked down the aisle and stopped at the end. The altar still looked beautiful, decorated for Christmas. I slid into the front pew, taking a deep breath.
It was too overwhelming to be here. Memories from my past whirled around in my head, mixing with my emotions. I choked out a sob and the waterworks I hadn’t even noticed had stopped, continued again. I slid further into the pew and positioned myself flat on my back, staring up at the high ceiling as tears poured out of the corner of my eyes.
I was pathetic. I wished I could just allow myself to open up and truly integrate into my new life, but it was so hard. And I was so tired. I was scared of getting too comfortable and caring too much. My fears and anxieties only burdened everyone around me.
Josh didn’t deserve my shit. Dad didn’t deserve my shit. Fox deserved to have someone who could be what he needed. All I did was complicate things for everyone.
“Elijah?” an astonished voice called out. I didn’t have to look to know it was Micah. He was my best friend at one point, I would know his voice from anywhere.
“Elijah,” he said again, standing over me and looking down at my tearful, blotchy face. “Are you okay?”
I couldn’t help but start laughing, which only caused him to look more concerned. Tears continued to leak from my eyes in a constant stream while I laughed. Sobs ripped through my throat in between my laughter. I didn’t know what this was, but it felt so unnatural.
“No,” I said once my laughter stopped and my cries continued. “I’m not okay.”
“What’s wrong?” Micah asked in a gentle tone, sitting down beside me as I sat up and stared straight ahead.
“My life is fucked up and it’s my fault,” I answered in a raspy tone. “Not that it matters that much to you.”
“Yes it does,” he instantly replied.
I didn’t respond.
“What are you doing here?” he asked after a few moments of silence.
“What are you doing here?” I still didn’t look at him.
“Locking the church,” he said. “It was my parents’ night to do it but they’re gone for the weekend.”
“I don’t actually care,” I told him with an eye roll, swiping my hands across my cheeks to wipe my tears.
“We can’t stay here,” Micah said, ignoring my comment. “If you want we can—”
“I’m not going to your house,” I abruptly cut him off.
“I was going to say we could go get something to eat,” he countered. “You’re obviously worked up and don’t have anywhere else to go. If you did, you wouldn’t be here.”
I hated that he knew me and I despised that I actually agreed to go with him.
“So…” Micah trailed as he pulled out of the church parking lot, “You walked all the way here?”
I rested my head on the window, staring straight ahead. My eyes still stung from the tears I cried. I didn’t want to even look at myself and see how swollen they would be.
“I don’t have a car,” I said in a bland tone. “The one I had got taken from me when I got kicked out of my house.”
I saw Micah wince out of the corner of my eye.
“Your dad didn’t get you one?” he wondered.
“I technically share with Josh.”
“Oh, right. I forgot he’s the same age as us.”
We didn’t speak for the rest of the ride and for that, I was grateful. Speaking to Micah felt so wrong . He may be able to act like nothing happened with us, but I couldn’t.
I didn’t pay attention to where we were going until Micah pulled into the parking lot of a restaurant. I had never been here, but I assumed it was somewhere he was familiar with.
I followed Micah into the restaurant and we were seated right away. There was barely anyone in there, but then again, it was quite late. The staff probably hated us for coming in this late.
As soon as we were sitting, I picked up my menu to avoid having to speak to Micah. I could feel his stare on me like it was burning into my skin, but I paid him no mind.
“Hi, my name is Ian, I’ll be your server,” the waiter said when he walked up to the table. My eyes instantly shot up to meet Ian’s, who looked completely miserable as he stared back down at me.
“Ian? What are you doing here?” I stupidly asked.
He rolled his eyes. “I work here, dipshit. What do you want to drink?”
Ian did not seem like the type that would make a good waiter, but I didn’t say that to him.
“A beer,” I answered.
“I’m not getting fired for you and I’ve seen you drunk, it’s not a good look and I’m not dealing with you,” Ian said, rolling his eyes again and shifting his stance as he looked increasingly annoyed.
“You got drunk?” Micah questioned with a confused tone. I had almost forgotten he was here. I wished I could forget that.
“Who the hell is this?” Ian asked me, motioning his hand toward Micah. “Wait, why aren’t you at Ryan’s?”
“Too many questions. Get me a water,” I replied.
“You look like you’ve been crying,” Ian pointed out, ignoring my order.
“Thanks for noticing,” I sarcastically responded, glancing back down at my menu.
“Um,” Micah said, clearing his throat. “I’ll have a water too.”
Ian didn’t say anything as he walked away from the table to get our drinks.
“How do you know him?” Micah asked.
I sighed, turning the page on my menu. “He’s on my hockey team.”
Ian was back quicker than I expected. He placed the waters down in front of us and pulled out his notepad.
“What do you want to eat?” Ian asked in a hard tone, staring down at me.
“You’re a bad waiter,” I told him, glancing up from the menu. “You’re so rude.”
“Only because it’s you,” he answered with a sarcastic smile. “Also, who the hell is this?” he asked me again.
“I’m Micah, one of Elijah’s old friends,” Micah spoke up.
Ian just stared at him for a few moments before turning back to me.
“If he messes with you or anything…” Ian trailed in a low tone so only I could hear.
“It’s fine. He won’t,” I assured him.
Ian nodded. “Just get me if you need me.”
“Okay.”
“Do you know what you want?”
“Burger,” I muttered. “Medium well.”
He nodded again before looking over to Micah.
“I’ll do the same,” Micah said with a slight smile.
Ian obviously didn’t return the smile and just walked away.
“He seems… pleasant,” Micah said with a strange look on his face.
I snorted a laugh. “Right.”
“So…”
“Do we have to do this?” I interrupted in a sharp tone.
“Do what?” he wondered, quirking his head to the side.
“Talk. I’d rather we just didn’t.”
“Elijah,” Micah started with a sigh. “I just– I want to talk.”
“I don’t care.”
“I’m sorry,” he said in a pleading tone. “I’m sorry for everything.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. He looked at me like I was crazy.
“It doesn’t matter,” I told him, taking a sip of my water. “It changes nothing and I’m not going to accept your apology just so you can feel better about yourself.”
“That’s not–”
“It is though,” I cut him off. “You feel guilty so you want to talk it out so you can feel like you made things better and you can sleep better at night.”
He didn’t say anything.
“But it doesn’t fucking matter,” I snapped. “You outed me to the team when I trusted you and then I had to come out to my mother because if I didn’t, she would’ve found out from one of them!”
I was testing the waters with Micah when I came out to him. I wanted to have at least him on my side when I came out to my mother, but that didn’t happen.
“Not only that, but you were my best friend and you didn’t do anything to stop them from bullying me and you didn’t do anything to support me when I came out,” I continued.
“I didn’t know what to do,” Micah sadly admitted. “I just told Landon because I didn’t know what to do.”
“You told him in the locker room full of the team,” I hissed. “And you didn’t need to do anything.”
He was about to speak again but I cut him off.
“And you’re such a sheep. You can’t think for yourself so you needed to tell someone else so they could tell you how to think.”
“I should have supported you,” he said. “I wanted to.”
“But you didn’t,” I finished for him.
“I wish I did.”
“I don’t care, Micah,” I said, glaring at him. “It’s too late now.”
“My dad told me he talked to Dave,” Micah changed the subject.
“So?”
“Dave was saying how him and your mom wanted you to move back in and go back to church,” Micah started. “My dad told him they should let you stay with your dad. Dave wasn’t happy about that.”
“Why does this matter to me?”
Micah sighed. “There are people in the church who care about you and want what’s best for you. My family is included in that.”
Ian came over with our food before I could say anything, not that I had anything to say. I didn’t care about Micah’s lame attempts to seem like he was the good guy.
Micah thanked Ian for the food, but Ian stayed at the table looking at me.
“You’re my last table and then my shift is over. I can drive you home if you want,” Ian offered, though it seemed more like he was just telling me that he was driving me home.
“Sure,” I said with a nod.
Ian left us and Micah and I ate our meal in silence. Once we were done, Ian brought the check and that was when I realized how much of an idiot I was.
“Fuck,” I muttered, patting my empty pockets.
“What?” Micah asked as he opened his wallet.
“I don’t have my wallet,” I told him. “Or my phone.”
Micah just waved me off. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll pay.”
As much as I didn’t want Micah doing anything for me, I really had no other choice but to let him pay. Ian came back to grab the card and then Micah and I were left in an awkward silence once again.
“I really am sorry for everything,” Micah said, causing me to roll my eyes. “I know it doesn’t mean anything, but I want to say it.”
“You know what you can do?” I asked as a thought occurred to me.
“What?”
“Get the team to leave me alone. They’ve been messaging me nonstop and I’m sick of it,” I said, raising my eyebrows.
“They have?”
I just nodded.
“Yeah,” Micah said, clearing his throat. “I’ll talk to them.”
Ian came back to the table with the receipt and placed it in front of Micah.
“Give me a few minutes, Ellis,” Ian said before walking away.
“I’m happy I got to see you, Elijah,” Micah told me after signing the receipt and leaving a generous tip.
“Okay.”
“Ian is taking you home?” Micah asked.
“Yes.”
“Okay,” he said, standing from his seat. “I hope everything ends up okay with you.”
I just nodded and Micah made his way out of the restaurant.
I stared blankly down at the table until Ian came back and shook my shoulder.
“I just have to help close up,” he informed me.
“That’s fine.”
I waited a little while for Ian. We didn’t speak as he cleaned up the table but we really didn’t need to. He knew I wasn’t in a good state of mind and he definitely wouldn’t know what to say to me.
Once he was finished at the restaurant, he led me out to his car.
“You drive a mini van?” I asked as we got into the vehicle.
“It’s my mom’s,” he muttered. “I don’t have a car.”
“Do you work a lot?”
“Whenever I can,” he answered in a bored tone as he pulled out of the parking lot. “Why were you out with that guy?”
“I just ran into him,” I said with a sigh. “Didn’t wanna go home and he suggested dinner.”
“Was it a date?”
I scoffed and gave him a disgusted look. “Absolutely not.”
“Okay…”
“What?” I snapped.
“It’s just weird you were out with someone from your old school,” Ian said.
I didn’t even know how to respond to that. I knew it was weird but it wasn’t like it was planned.
“Did something happen?” Ian asked. If I didn’t know any better, I would say he sounded concerned.
“I just needed to get away for a little bit,” I told him with a sigh.
“Did something happen with Fox?” he questioned further.
I lifted my head up to face him.
“Let’s just say he doesn’t like me anymore,” I said. “He could do better anyway.”
Ian scoffed, shaking his head. “There is no way that’s true.”
“Well you weren’t there so…”
Ian just shook his head again.
The two of us didn’t speak much for the rest of the ride to my house. Once we got there, I thanked Ian and hopped out of his car, noticing the lights on at the house. I didn’t even get to the door before Dad had thrown it opened with a panicked look on his face.
“Elijah!” he exclaimed when I reached him, pulling me inside. “Where the hell were you? I was worried sick about you!”
His words confused me. I didn’t think my absence would have been noticed by my family.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was a big deal…”
Dad shook his head at me. “When you go somewhere you tell me and you bring your phone.”
“I didn’t realize I didn’t have my phone until right before I came home,” I told him.
“You need to pay more attention,” Dad said in a stern tone. He had never been this way with me, but I couldn’t really blame him. I made him worried, and made him wait up for me. He deserved to be pissed.
“Dan,” Mindy interjected, coming to stand next to him and putting her hand on his shoulder. “Let’s talk about this in the morning and just be glad he’s home.”
Dad visibly relaxed at her touch and nodded, placing his hand over her’s.
“Go to sleep, Elijah,” he said. “We’ll talk in the morning.”
Mindy gave me a reassuring look and motioned her head toward the stairs. I turned and immediately ran up to my room. Seeing Dad like that caused a pit in my stomach to grow. I had worried him and disappointed him. He had been nothing but good to me since I got here and I was awarding him by being a shitty son.
I couldn’t hold the tears back once I was in my bedroom with the door closed, lying face first on my bed.
I was too fucking emotional.
**
Hi everyone thanks for reading!
What did you think about Elijah going to the church and seeing Micah? Was that what you expected? What about seeing Ian? Let me know!
Also, I hope everyone is continuing to stay safe during this time. Please participate in social distancing and stay home as much as you can!
Also also, I want to thank @Nestea_Official for making this amazing cover! Please check it out!
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