Reject (Mxm) Chapter Nine: Ruari

“Would you at least let me buy you dinner?” Ciaran asked and I could feel the walls I’ve been tirelessly building for the past week crumble into nothing, again.

Who could say no to this guy when he looks like that? Tall, perfectly built with chiseled features that could make a sculptor weep. And now his midnight blue eyes are looking at me like I’m the answer to all his prayers. Like my answer to his simple question would either save him or doom him for life. Seriously, his puppy dog look should be illegal. It’s criminal!

Its just dinner… Rothe commented trying to sound casual, too casual in my opinion.

He’s been covering up what he’s feeling for the past week, blocking me out every time we’re in Ciaran’s presence or whenever he’s mentioned. But I could feel his happiness flowing every time Ciaran is near us. I also felt how ecstatic he was when I asked Ciaran to take me to the city this afternoon.

Rothe loves him and I know the situation is tough for him because his allegiance is to me first. What he’s feeling for Ciaran is something he cannot control and I understand it. The wolf inside Ciaran is Rothe’s other half, his soul mate. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one holding us back from being complete.

Sooner or later I’d have to decide whether I’d stay or not but it won’t be tonight. I need more time to think, to adjust. I don’t want to jump into a relationship with Ciaran unless I trust him. This time I want us to be together because we both choose to be together, because we love and trust each other.

I do love him. I can feel that I love him and it’s not just because of Rothe. But I don’t trust him. I know he’s trying and I’m willing to give him a chance. I just don’t want to rush into anything.

“Pick the place.” I answered and immediately Rothe’s light mood was overflowing and I could feel blissful relief from Ciaran. He was grinning so widely it looked almost creepy.

I lightly shook my head as Ciaran took my hand and led us to the car. He’s making a habit out of holding my hand while we’re walking. I’m not complaining but the attention we’re attracting is almost astronomical. Who could blame them really. A guy like me, who has no presence to speak of whatsoever, is being lead and held on to by a guy like Ciaran, a man who’s very presence commands respect and attention. We must look like an odd pair and a novelty to look at.  

I can feel he’s trying to hold himself back to do more and I’m glad for it.

I was surprised when he took me to a very quaint French restaurant. I can tell that Ciaran is a regular here by the way the staff is treating him. He urged me to choose the wine so I selected one of my favorites and ordered an appetizer to go with it. We gave the waiter our dinner selection and after that he left us alone.

The place is quiet and since the maître d’ placed us on a table away from the other diners the atmosphere feels exclusive, intimate, like we’re dining on the restaurant alone.  

Ciaran have been staring at me for a while now and it’s getting on my nerves. I don’t think he even realize he’s doing it.

“What?” I asked blatantly showing my irritation so he’d get the hint and stop staring.

“Sorry,” he smirked finally snapping in attention. “It’s just that you’re full of surprises. And I can’t wait to uncover more of your secrets.”

I glared at him but he just stared back happily, oblivious of how he was making me feel. I could feel a blush coming on so I gave up trying to intimidate him and brought the wine glass to my lips.

“I have no secrets Ciaran.” I answered trying hard not to stutter.

“I beg to differ,” the look on his midnight blue eyes changed and his voice sounded deeper, huskier. “Your thoughts, your movements; everything about you is a secret to me and I intend to unravel you Ruari. I intend to know all of you.”

My eyes met his, held. I could drown in his eyes forever. I was surprised by the sudden jolt of electricity on my hand as he took it in his. It wasn’t unpleasant, far from it. He held it gently, drawing circles on my wrist. I wanted to pull back but I couldn’t. His touch was magic and to be honest I was enjoying it too much to even attempt to stop him.

I could feel his arousal and I know he could feel mine. I could smell his scent and it was overpowering my common sense. Even Rothe was too gone to care that this was the man who rejected us. He was purring at the slight touch and I could feel him craving for more.

We’re going too fast for comfort. I have to stop this now or I’d agree to do something I might regret later.

“Ruari, I…” he started but I cut him off.

“I have to make a call.” I couldn’t think of another excuse. My mind’s has gone blank. I could feel Rothe growling at me as I pulled my hand away from Ciaran’s.

“Now?” He asked.

I’m hurting him but what I’m doing right now is hurting me too. I can’t do this. I want to take it slow and this, whatever this is that’s happening between us right now, is a bit fast for me.

I don’t want him to think I’m weak. Well, technically I am when it’s about him but that’s beside the point. Everything about him drives me crazy. I can’t decide whether this is a good or a bad thing. It’s all so confusing and terrifying. I don’t want to get hurt again and Ciaran, he could easily hurt me if I don’t take care of myself.

I love him but I don’t trust him. I don’t think he loves me back and frankly, at this point, I don’t expect him to. In the future, maybe, but right now those sort of feelings from him would probably overwhelm me. There’re too many issues in between us that needs we have to deal with before we can move forward and be together. And I’m not ready to make that step with him.

“Yes, now.” I answered as I stood up to leave the table.

I walked across the restaurant to a corridor just outside the restrooms. When I was sure I was in a safe enough distance I slumped on the wall and ran a shaking hand through my hair.

You’re making a mistake. Rothe said quietly after a while.

Maybe. I answered harshly pulling on my hair. But I’m not ready. I’m sorry…

He didn’t answer but I could feel his disappointment.

Damn! This is so messed up.

I reached for my phone and started dialing a number I know by heart. I know someone who can pull me out of this slump.

“Hey it’s me,” was all I managed to say before I was harangued about my sudden disappearance, lack of thought for communication and my insensitivity. Leave it Jean to make me feel guilty about not telling where I went and why.

“I’m fine.” I answered when asked if I was doing okay. “Yes, I’m sorry,” is my answer when I’m reminded again and again that I have to call and didn’t.

“When are you coming back?” Jean asked and I stiffened because I honestly don’t know.

If I were smart I’d leave right now while I’m not too invested. True there are people trying to get me but so far I’ve done a great job at evading them. Ciaran and the pack wouldn’t have had the chance to get to me if I hadn’t walked into a trap willingly. I can still do it, leave, turn around and pretend none of this ever happened. So why aren’t I going when there’s nothing keeping me here?

“There’s some complication.” I answered truthfully. There is nothing but there is someone. “My business here is taking longer than I thought.”

I don’t know where to begin or how to explain my situation, about Moonscape and about Ciaran. I don’t like lying to Jean but I can’t tell the whole truth either, not now at least. Even if I do find the right words, I’m not sure I should tell Jean right now. I don’t want Jean to worry too much about me when we’re far away from each other.

Jean breathed out harshly before changing the subject telling me about what’s happening back there. I listened intently wishing I didn’t have to come back to Moonscape, that I didn’t have to see Ciaran again.

“I’m only mad because I’m worried, you know that right?” Jean said after a while. “I miss you Ruari.”

“I know and I miss you too.” I replied closing my eyes and lightly hitting my head on the wall.

I shouldn’t have come here. If I didn’t go back then I wouldn’t be feeling confused. I wouldn’t have these conflicting emotions towards Ciaran. If I didn’t come back I wouldn’t be wondering about what ifs and Rothe wouldn’t be mad at me right now. Jean wouldn’t be worried about where I am, what or how I am doing and who I’m with.

“You know I love you right?” Jean said quietly.

I swallowed the lump on my throat tightly closing my eyes before answering, “I love you too Jean.”

I went inside the restroom after the phone call and splashed cold water on my face. Rothe felt a bit better after our conversation with Jean but he was still bit distant. I think he’s pouting which would make this the first time.

When I walked back at our table I could feel Ciaran’s dark mood. All through dinner he was silent and there were times when I feared he’d just flip out. I decided to ignore him and focus on my food, which was absolutely delicious. I doubt Ciaran enjoyed any of his.

The drive back was more quiet and awkward. We broke some speed limits on the way but Ciaran didn’t seem to care. He parked the car at an odd angle on the garage and I jumped on my seat when he slammed the car door after he got off.

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked as I hurried after him.

My only guess is he’s still pissed about earlier when I ruined ‘the moment’. But from the way he’s acting it has to be something else.

“Who the fuck is Jean?” He snarled looking back at me.

I looked down at the ground, confused.

“The one you were talking to on the phone.” He enunciated. “Who the hell is he?”

Jean is not a part of my world here. How did Ciaran know about…

My head snapped up and my eyes searched his.

“You were listening?”

“It was easy to hear!” He growled.

Damn! How could he! He was spying on me. Of all the stupid things to do he had to do that! It just shows how much he trusts me. I can’t believe he’d do this to me.

“You have no right to listen to my calls.” I snapped advancing at him.

I was so angry and disappointed. How could he resort to something so low as spying? Just when I was considering giving him another chance he goes and do this shit! Now I know I cannot trust him because it’s plain to see that he doesn’t trust me!  

“It was a private conversation!”

“TELL ME WHO IS JEAN!” He yelled and this time the voice was not his but his wolf’s. He was using his alpha tone and that didn’t sit well with me. We may be mated but I am not part of his pack. He can’t order me around like some lackey and he cannot intimidate me, not anymore!

I could feel we’re being watched but at the moment I don’t care. I don’t think Ciaran does either. We were standing so close glaring at each other. Any more and we’d be exchanging blows for sure.

How could something so innocent as going out and having dinner turn into something vulgar and complicated?

“No one you know!” I spat, lacing my tone with all the anger and malice I was feeling before I turned and walked away from him.

“Ruari!” He called after me and I just soldiered on.

The conversation is not over, far from it. But if I come back we’d only fight more and I think we’d fought enough for one night. We made a spectacle of ourselves in front of the pack and I say for now, we’re through.

I went up to my room and cried. I could hear Ciaran howling in the forest and Rothe was begging me to go to him, to explain who Jean really is.

I ignored them both.

I still can’t believe Ciaran would do that to me and I can’t believe Rothe wants me to apologize when I’ve done nothing wrong.

Ciaran came back hours later. I know because I heard him come in.

Rothe kept on urging me to talk to him. He kept telling me it’s not right to leave him with a misunderstanding. Again, I ignored him.

Why should I be the one to apologize? I wasn’t the one who spied and jumped into conclusions. Serves him right for eavesdropping on a private conversation!

“I’m sorry,” Ciaran said from the other room. “I’m sorry for what happened tonight.”

I bit the inside of my mouth to keep myself from answering.

I know he’s sorry and he should be. But that doesn’t change the fact that once again, because of his carelessness, he hurt me. And tonight I don’t think I’m in a forgiving mood.