The pack house was attacked. It happened not long after we left for the west border and engaged with the enemy’s advance. The haunting howls from the east border faintly reached our position but I instantly knew what it’s for.
We walked right into a trap.
I tried to send some of the warriors back to the pack house but the fight we were lured into was devised to keep us away. We had to stay and dispose of the enemies within our range before we could run back to help the others.
After we felled the enemies on the border we made our way back at full speed. No one dared to voice their fears but all of us were thinking the same thing, desperately hoping we’re not too late. It had been a couple of hours since we left, long grueling hours where anything could’ve happened.
I felt my gut clench at the thought of Ruari. I took all the warriors with me save for Bran. I didn’t think they’d divide their forces and launch two separate attacks. I should have though. If I haven’t been too distracted I would have foreseen this possibility and even If I couldn’t prevent it, I could have prepared better.
If something happens to Ruari…
I howled to signal the others to move faster and pounded my paws harder on forest floor. I pushed myself to the limits not caring if the wolves following me were wounded or needed time to catch their breaths. I have only one thought in my mind. To get back to Ruari!
The stench of blood was thick within the forest and near the training grounds. There were no disturbances or movements within the woods aside from the guards patrolling the area. Once I reached the tree line, I phased and snatched the pair of jeans Lorcan handed me before I scrambled towards the pack house shouting Ruari’s name.
I slammed the front door open and quickly scanned the tired and wary faces in the common room. Wounded people were everywhere receiving treatment from the pack doctors. The fighting had been near the compound and most of the members left to protect the house had been severely wounded.
Bile rose in my throat and I could feel a sliver of fear creeping up my spine. People died tonight. It’s a miracle the enemies who snuck from the east border didn’t reach the house with the level of security it was left with. My hands started to shake violently, I had to clench and unclench my fists a couple of times as I search for the familiar face of my mate.
“Ruari!” I yelled when I couldn’t find him or sense him anywhere in the room. I stood frozen by the doorway and felt like I’m going to loose my mind if I don’t see him soon.
Why isn’t he here? Where the fuck is he?
“He’s on one of the back rooms alpha,” Bran said.
My brain processed the information and my body finally deigned to move in order to seek him out. For a few seconds I was operating in autopilot. I just need to see him, to know he’s safe.
But Bran stepped in my way and Keiron didn’t take kindly to the action.
“Insolent pup!” He growled as he pushed me aside, grabbing Bran’s neck and easily lifting him off his feet. “Tell me why I should let you live!”
“There’s something you should know alpha,” Bran wheezed.
Keiron snarled but withdrew the hand from Bran’s neck. The younger man dropped on the floor holding his bruised neck, gasping for air.
“Tell me,” I commanded.
Bran didn’t waste time and proceeded to tell me everything that happened, from the moment they heard of the attack until the part when Ruari executed the prisoner they brought back for questioning.
I listened to him unable to believe everything he was telling me. The situation had been worse than I thought.
I left Ruari at the pack house so he’d be safe from the attack. So he wouldn’t have to fight. But not only did the fight found him here, unprepared and virtually unprotected, he had to lead and be the frontline of the defense to ensure the safety and survival of the others. And in doing so he was exposed to the horrors of the raids that in the end forced him to do something he would probably regret later.
This is exactly what I was afraid of.
Ruari is physically strong. When it comes to fighting abilities he’s on par with my best warriors, perhaps even better than most of them. What he lacks is the bloodlust, the intense need to rip an enemy apart and not feel the act chip at your soul. He doesn’t have the heart or mental strength to withstand the possibility of watching his comrades die. He may have lived a hard life but Ruari doesn’t know the true meaning of loss and death, not first hand. And I’ve been trying to shield him from all that. Maybe that was another mistake on my part. Instead of shielding him, I should have prepared him.
But its too late for regrets. The damage is done.
I slowly made my way towards the back rooms. I knocked twice on the last door before opening it.
Ruari didn’t stir from where he sat, staring at the lifeless body of Leanne Wyatt. The back of his shirt was a bloodied mess and Bran informed me he refused to get treated.
I walked into the room and closed the door behind me.
“Leave.” He said quietly as the latch clicked into place, still refusing to look at me.
I didn’t respond. I don’t really need to. I just stood there staring at him.
“I told you to leave!”
He moved so fast he knocked the chair over and all I saw from the movement was a blur. He shoved and pinned me against the wall beside the closed door. He pushed his forearm and elbow hard on my chest.
“I don’t want you here!” He raged. “Why won’t you listen?”
I grunted from the impact and felt the rush of air painfully leave my lungs. But if he was trying to get me to retaliate, he’d have to hurt me more than this.
I gently placed my hands on his stiff shoulders and squeezed lightly.
“Because no matter what you say,” I said staring at his confused and anguished eyes. “You need me to stay.”
Bran was right. Ruari is not himself. And I don’t know if he’ll ever be…
He growled viciously before pushing off me.
“I don’t need you. Go away!” He yelled turning away from me.
Instead of letting him walk back to continue his useless vigil, I snatched his body to me and wrapped my arms tightly around him. Instinctively, Ruari tried to throw me off and he would have succeeded since his anger made him stronger. But I held fast.
This isn’t good for him. He’s trying to torture himself by staying here, staring at the body of a dead girl he believed he couldn’t save. He shouldn’t be doing this to himself. I won’t let him!
“Let it go,” I whispered by his ear when he continued to struggle.
“Goddamn you!” He screamed maneuvering his body to a position where he could strike me. I matched the movement nullifying his attack. “What the fuck do you know?”
“You can’t save everyone…” I could say that because I’ve tried.
No matter how good you prepare there are outcomes that you will not be able to predict. Lives will be lost whether you’re prepared or not. And through the years I’ve learned that the only thing you could do after the loss is to honor the dead. You have to remember their sacrifice, atone for being weak and strive to get stronger so the same thing will not happen again.
I held him tighter as his whole body started to shake. I guess my words affected him more than I thought it would. And even in his muddled state he knows I’m right.
“Let her go Ruari.” I whispered tasting his pain and fears as if they were my own. “Leave her to be at peace…”
This moment could make or break him. The cracks are already starting to show and if I let him go now, he’d shatter. I don’t know if I have enough influence on him to piece him back together if I allow that to happen. Which is the reason why I’m going to hold on to him, take in all the anger in him because between him and me, I could live with it better.
“NO!” He growled as he broke free. He shouldered past me and ran out of the room like he could outrun his demons if he moved fast and far enough.
I shot after him afraid of what he’d do once I lose sight of him. I ordered everyone to stay back when I felt Lorcan and others follow. Ruari’s too unstable. He could snap at anyone he considers a threat. And in his current state, it meant everyone.
I chased him  through the woods and we ran for over an hour before we reached the place he wanted to go, the only place within the Moonscape pack lands where he feels safe.
“Ruari…”
He didn’t give me leave to finish what I was about to say. He launched himself at me. His leg shot out first missing the side of my head by mere centimeters after I managed to dodge it. His arms followed in a flurry of deadly movements. He aimed for parts of my body that would severely hurt and incapacitate me if he managed to land a solid hit.
If Ruari were on his right state of mind he’d have broken a bone or two by now. He’d have pinned me down a couple of times before I could even think of a proper strategy to stop him. I’m not weak and I outweigh and tower over him. But Ruari is fast and he’s well versed in martial arts. Fighting in our human form, he could fell me if he tried. But since he’s too frantic and distracted, his movements were not as smooth or as swift as they’re supposed to be. He’s too angry to focus on where he’s aiming or how his blow would hit my body.
He’s insistent and tireless on his attacks but I just kept on dodging. I held off and didn’t strike back, I blocked. Why? Because this isn’t a fight. It’s just a way to help Ruari vent. My whole focus is centered on finding an opening I could exploit. And my decision not to fight back seemed to have made him angrier because his movements became more reckless, sloppy, and in no time I had the chance I’ve been waiting for.
I quickly grabbed his wrist as he threw a wide punch, side stepped and pulled his arm behind his back. He managed to counter with his elbow that broke the skin inside my mouth. I spit the blood from my mouth and quickly used my foot to render him unstable. I pinned him on the ground with my hands and knee, careful not to hurt him more than necessary.
He thrashed blindly for a few minutes shouting profanities and all the insults he could probably think of. But once the fight was drained out of him, Ruari just cried. He was so focused on his grief he didn’t notice when I lifted him up. I moved to sit under a nearby tree and cradled his shaking body close to my chest.
“I watched her die.” He whispered after he quieted down.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered back.
It feels like ever since Ruari came back to me all I could do is apologize to him. He gains something only to lose it the next moment. How do I make up for that? How could I make him happy and keep him that way?
“It’s not fair…” he sobbed as fresh tears slide down his cheeks. “She was so young.”
“I know love,” I held him tighter. The worse had passed but I’m afraid he’d break down again. “Don’t think about it Ruari, not now.”
“How do you do it?” He asked.
I wanted to laugh but it isn’t funny is it?
How do I do it, he asked…
I know he didn’t mean anything by it. He probably didn’t realize it was a bit tactless to ask me something like that. And I wanted to tell him I’m not made of stone. That things won’t get any easier, if anything it would get harder from here.
But that’s not what he needs to hear right now. What he needs is for someone to tell him that it’s alright, that everything would be okay even if its partially a lie.
“I try to focus on the others,” I answered. It was the truth but not wholly and for now it would do. “I look at their families, the ones grieving the loss more than me. I look at those who still need me to protect them in the future. I can’t save everyone but I have to do my best for those I could save.”
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