I can’t do it…
Damn it! I tried but I can’t.
In two strides I was beside Ruari with my arms wrapped tightly around him.
“Stop. I’m sorry.” I murmured desperately by his ear. “I’m sorry…”
His hands fisted on my shirt and I hugged him closer, tighter.
After everything that Jean told me, I was determined to keep Ruari with me. Everyone seems to want him but I was confident no one could take him away. I won’t let them!
But that was all hot air…
After I calmed down and after thinking about the situation on another perspective, I realized I was being a fool.
What have I ever done for Ruari?
From the moment we met up to this day all my actions have been governed by my need to have him. All my decisions were based on nothing but the intense desire to monopolize him. He’s my mate. Â He is mine. I kept telling myself that it’s warranted, that all my actions have a just cause.
But the fact remains that above everyone I’m the one who hurts him most. That I am the greatest threat to Ruari’s wellbeing and existence. And after everything I’ve done, all the pain and trouble I caused, I thought it would be better if I let him go.
Being mated to me Ruari has to deal with people who would heedlessly use him just to get to me. For years I made him suffer by my careless words and actions. I brought him nothing but grief from the day we first met and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to stop hurting him.
Ruari ran away once. He broke free. He was thriving admirably without me and instead of letting him be I chose to clip his wings. I took away his freedom, dragged him back to a place where he has nothing but foul memories. I imprisoned and chained him to my side just to make him watch the people he cares for die in senseless ways.
What have I given him aside from pain? Am I even capable of giving him anything else?
It’s well and good for me to hope, to dream that I could make him happy in the future. But if things stay the way they are now, will we even get to see the future?
Perhaps it is better to let him go. To let his family take him or to ask Jean to whisk him away. To let him run far away to a place where I wouldn’t be able to reach and hurt him.
Perhaps the prudent thing to do now is to back off and remove myself from his life. Maybe if I’m out of the picture he’d finally find the security and happiness he deserves.
It was a rude awakening but after realizing the things I lack and would not be able to provide for him, I resigned myself to protecting him from afar. I decided to let him go. I know it would be the death of me but I promised myself I would do it for his sake.
But Ruari ruined my new found resolve.
He sought me out here, in the middle of nowhere, far from everything and everyone who could protect him from me. He found out the truth, learned about everything I’ve been trying to hide from him.
He followed me all the way out here to talk, to fix everything that’s wrong between us.
At first I was surprised then I was angry. I wanted to punish him for being so thoughtless. For being too selfless. He was reaching out, chasing after me when he should be running as far away as he possibly could.
I wanted to hurt him to the point that he’d despise the very thought of me. I hoped that in doing so it’d be easier for me to set him free.
But watching him cry, practically beg in tears in front me, I couldn’t do it. I can’t let Ruari go. I don’t have the heart for it.
After everything, all my selfless pronouncements, in the end, I proved myself to be selfish through and through.
“It’s kinder to let you go, to give you back your freedom and allow you to run away from me.” I said hoarsely and instead of pushing away Ruari held on tighter. He buried his face on my chest. His whole body shook from wracking sobs.
I pried his hands off my shirt and kissed his knuckles soundly.
I twined our fingers together and brought our joined hands over my heart.
“I can’t do it Ruari. I’m sorry but I can’t let you go.” I whispered by his ear, repeating the words I said to him the first day I brought him back to Moonscape. “I’m keeping you here because I’m selfish and arrogant enough to think I could protect you. So please, stay.”
Ruari looked at me before letting out another painful sob. He let go of my hands and wrapped his arms tightly around my neck. I pulled him closer as he cried on my shoulder.
I admit I’m not confident with my abilities to protect him but I know I’d rather die than let anything or anyone harm him. I can’t promise I wouldn’t hurt him in the future but I vow to do my best not to. I’d strive hard to make amends for all my shortcomings, to do anything within my power to keep him safe and happy.
I know I can’t give him everything. I can’t even guarantee that our future would be better than today. If I feel any less for him than I do now, it would probably be best if I release him. But there’s no point in deceiving him and myself.
This is it, the turning point.
No more lying.
No more excuses.
No more turning back.
I’ve known all along there’s nowhere Ruari could run that I wouldn’t chase after him. That no matter how hard I push him away Ruari would never leave me. We’re in this together and it’s time for us to stop fighting the pull.
“I told you before I don’t need you to protect me Ciaran.” He cried still clinging on to me. “I don’t need anything aside from you, damn it!” He caught me off guard, tilting his head towards mine and slamming our lips together.
I tasted salty tears on his lips and something more primal, elementally ‘Ruari’. And just like that all my uncertainties and insecurities disappeared.
Ruari kissed me with everything he’s got. He devoured my whole being with all the pent up emotions he’d been storing inside of him. I didn’t know what else to do but answer him in kind aside from trying to surpass his feelings. I kissed him back with everything I had and more. Silently praying for my feelings to finally reach him. For everything in me to connect with everything in him.
I love him.
I love the man with an uncertain and unknown origin. The runt of the pack that no one wanted or cared about. I love the insecure boy he was at sixteen before he left me and the confident young man who came back to me after all our years apart.
I love Ruari Lyall, my one true mate.
I was stupid to think I could let him go. I didn’t even last a day with that half-hearted resolve.
I pushed him up against the wall and took over the kiss. I ran my tongue seductively against his lips, begging for entry. Ruari moaned and opened for me. Tangling his sweet tongue with mine as I boldly dart forward to explore the caverns of his mouth.
I don’t know how I survived this long. How I lasted days, weeks even, of having him close and not daring to touch him in such an intimate way. After our first time together a lot of things happened and I had no opportunity to hold him, to touch him. I must have been insane to hold myself back because this is damn addictive. It’s explosive!
Five years…
I spent five, long, miserable years yearning for Ruari.
I longed for a touch, a taste. I spent hours and days fantasizing about him, about us. And now that I have him in my arms I don’t think I’d be able to stop with just a kiss.
I don’t think I’d want to.
Ruari broke away, swiftly discarding his shirt and mine. I trailed open-mouthed kisses on the base of his neck and shoulder, craving the connection between our bodies like a drug. His hands roamed freely across my body, his lips kissing every part of me he could reach. I tangled my fingers through his hair and pulled his head to one side to grant me full access to his bare skin. I sucked hard on his neck, on the spot where my mark would be, and was rewarded with Ruari’s lustful moans.
“Mark me,” he said breathlessly tracing the shell of my ear with the tip of his moist tongue.
I pulled away far enough to look him in the eye, to make sure he understands what he’s saying. That he’s fully aware of the consequences. And to see if he was serious.
“If I mark you there’d be no more running away Ruari,” I answered framing his face in between my suddenly trembling hands. “You’d be mine completely. No matter how much you beg or cry I would never release you. You’d belong solely to me. Do you understand?”
Ruari smiled and touched his lips gently to mine. Lingering. Savoring.
“You’re so silly Ciaran,” he whispered placing small kisses on the line of my jaw and neck. “I’ve been yours from the moment I was born. Why are you hesitating now?”
Ruari didn’t give me time to respond or maybe I was too slow to react. All I saw was a flash of his eyes glowing brightly before I felt his canines scrape the side of my neck. And for me, that was invitation enough. I didn’t think twice and bit him on the same spot.
The moment my fangs sank into his skin my essence seeped and mixed with his and his with mine. His blood filled my mouth and I growled deep in my chest when I felt him clamp harder on my neck.
Slowly, surely, our erratic breathing started to synchronize with each other. My pulse thundered behind my ears as his heart started to beat in tune with mine.
Keiron howled in joy as he connected with Rothe spiritually for the first time. I felt them rub and circle happily around each other, finally able to touch and link freely.
Ruari groaned when his knees buckled from under him. I had to use my weight and shoulder to keep him upright against the wall.
I felt him let go of my neck and lap the blood off my newly formed mark, cleaning and closing the wound. His scent was now mixed with mine and I could already scent myself on him.
But I didn’t want to let him go. I couldn’t…
I closed my eyes tightly blocking off my visions. My jaws locked firmly on his neck and my arms encircled his waist like steel bands. Ruari didn’t seem to be put out by my actions. Instead of flipping me off he murmured soothing words by my ear and pulled my head closer, harder, towards his neck.
I don’t know why I’m suddenly afraid to let go but I can’t seem to help myself.
I am deathly terrified.
I’m scared that this could be nothing but a dream. That I’d have to go through another torturous night, drink a potion laced with monkshood to dull all my senses so I could ignore the call of the moon. That I’d spend another full moon alone and wake up on the cabin isolated from everyone, like I’ve been doing for the past five years. I was terrified that I’d spend another endless night staring at nothing, wondering where my mate was and wishing he was safe in my arms.
“Ciaran, love, you’d have to carry me to the room.” Ruari breathed out. His arms growing lax and his head lolling to one side. “I’m tired. Can we finish our talk later?” He managed to lift his hand and run his fingers through my hair before he slumped, unconscious, against me.
I breathed in deeply, trying not to panic, still unwilling to let him go.
Calm down moron! Keiron scolded. He’s exhausted. They’ve been tracking our scent for hours and after the marking they’re thoroughly spent. It’s a wonder how they managed to stay conscious for this long. Let go, he’s not going anywhere!
If I weren’t worried about Ruari I’d be laughing right now. Usually, when it comes to our mate, it’s me who’s telling Keiron to calm down and not the other way around. But he’s right. I have to settle down. Ruari is not going anywhere, not without me.
I slowly detached my canines from his neck and licked him thoroughly to close the wound.
I gathered his sleeping form in my arms and carried him to sleep comfortably on the bed. He scowled when I moved him and murmured something under his breath.
I couldn’t help trailing my fingers on the lock of hair resting over his forehead. I lightly traced the line of his handsome face and the puncture marks I left on his skin.
They were nothing but discolored skin now. No more than scars that would never heal or fade. But it’s the most precious gift Ruari could ever grant to me. With this mark on him and its twin branded on my skin, everyone would know he’s mine and I am his.
“I love you…” I whispered by his ear as I slid on the bed beside him.
Ruari scrunched his nose, turned on his side and held my arm tightly.
“Mine!” He mumbled.
I laughed out loud and molded his pliant body to mine. I almost forgot that Ruari talks in his sleep. He sighed when I placed a protective arm around his waist and purred when I buried my face behind his neck.
I closed my eyes and savored the warm feel of him in my arms. I fell asleep with the sound of our hearts finally beating as one.Â
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