TWO MORE CHAPTERS GUYS!!! k”,)
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I can’t believe it. I can’t believe he forgot about me.
When Ciaran cautiously took a step away from me and asked who I was my whole body just ceased to function. My first thought was he must be kidding me. That he must be faking it just to mess me up. But there was too much confusion and suspicion in his eyes for his reactions to be a lie. I realized he could sense me. He could feel I was someone familiar but for some reason he can’t remember who I was.
Kevan was furious at how Ciaran reacted to my presence. He saw how it pained me to see my mate react to me like that but to be honest, I’m more shocked than angry. I’m sorry that this had to happen when everything was starting to go right between us.
The pack doctor told me Ciaran’s memory loss could be a caused by multiple things. For one he’s been on the verge of death before we rescued him. He lost an excessive amount of blood and suffered multiple injuries that could have felled a regular wolf. But he surmised the amnesia was probably because of the poison in his system. I knew there’d be side effects. You can’t induce that much silver on a werewolf without harming but I never thought, I never considered the possibility that it would affect his memory.
Still, I’m thankful Ciaran’s alive. And from the way he was growling and snarling, ordering me to go away, I’m betting he’s on his way to full recovery.
Rothe whined when I decided to leave the hospital. But I gather there’s really nothing we could do for now. Our presence seems to aggravate Ciaran and if removing myself from his view would calm him down then it’s fine with me. I want him to heal more than anything.
But I couldn’t go back and face the pack, not for now. I don’t want to be surrounded by people who’d look at me sadly or would try to console me with  empty words after they hear what happened at the hospital. I know they’d mean well but for now I want to be alone.
I decided to spend the night at the cabin not just to have some time away from everyone but to think of what I’d do tomorrow. I’ve decided I’d go to court and settle things with the high council and the royals.
Kevan was surprised by my sudden decision, which was odd considering he was the one who kept pushing me to go. He told me I could spare another day or two now that Ciaran is awake. But I reckon since Ciaran’s not comfortable around me right now it’d be best for him if I go now. I’m sure that by the time I come back he’d be fully healed and he might be more willing to listen to what I have to say and perhaps even try to remember who I was to him.
I tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable position but only managing to tangle the sheets on my legs. I groaned irritably and completely threw it off me before sitting up.
I give up. Everything in this place reminds me of him. Maybe it was a mistake to spend the night here. This place is ten times worse than our empty rooms at the pack house.
I walked out the room and continued out of the cabin. I traced the familiar path towards the waterfall, taking my time, savoring the feel of the forest surrounding me. I don’t know how long it’d take for me to come back here but I want to remember as much as I could of this place, of this land. I don’t want to miss anything while I am away.
I slowly stripped my clothes off before wading into the pool. The waterfall is still as beautiful as the first time I saw it but tonight it cannot give me the comfort I needed. It can’t grant me the peace of mind I sought when I decided to come here.
I looked up at the darkened sky with unrestrained tears following from my eyes.
I don’t know if I’d ever find comfort or peace again. I don’t know if I’d be able to feel anything other than pain. I know from now on I’d always feel hollow until Ciaran remembers who I am.
“Ruari…”
It was barely a whisper but I’m sure I heard it. Him. I turned and gasped when as I watched Ciaran, by the tree line, collapse on his knees. I immediately moved out the water and knelt beside him.
“What have you done now?” I asked.
He shouldn’t be here. Fuck! How did he even get here? He has new bruises and scratches and from the dirt covering his hospital gown, arms and legs, I think he fell numerous times before he found this place.
I immediately touched his forehead to check if he has a fever. There’s no other explanation as to why he’d risk hurting himself except if he’s running a very high fever that clouds his judgment. Or if remembered everything and he purposely came here to find me. But I highly doubt that. It’s impossible for him to regain his memories so soon because that would be too easy and nothing between us is ever easy.
Despite knowing that, my heart can’t seem to understand. A part of me still wishes it was true, that he finally remember, and at the same time another part of me is terrified that he’d shy away from me again.
When Ciaran slowly reached out I was sure he’d send me away but instead of pushing me he wiped away the tears that was still flowing freely down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” He whispered hoarsely cupping my face in between my large hands before gently touching his forehead to mine. “I’m so sorry I did that to you…”
I frantically shook my head and bit my lips to keep myself from crying out. I threw my arms around his neck and held him close, crying in relief to finally see recognition in his dark eyes.
“I remember,” he confirmed. “I remember everything…”
I cried harder and hugged tighter. I thought he wouldn’t remember me soon. I thought I’d have to fight tooth and nail to get him to recognize me again. I thought…
Ciaran successfully cut off all my unnecessary thoughts by simply wrapping his arms around me and burying his face on my hair.
He’s really here. He finally remembers me. And he’s holding me close just as tightly as I was holding him.
I thought the moment couldn’t get any better but Ciaran surprised me by saying, “I love you.”
I was afraid I just imagined him saying those words before or that he said it at the spur of the moment because he thought we were going to die. But now he said it again so clearly, with so much emotion burning in his eyes and I no longer have any room to doubt it’s true.
“I love you so much…”
Before I could answer, Ciaran lightly touched his lips to mine. The kiss he gave me was barely a scrape, a whisper, like he’s unsure of whether or not I’d receptive of the gesture. How could he be so blind when I could feel my whole body shaking with want and need for him? But I could see the uncertainty in his eyes, the lack of confidence and fear that I would reject him. Fool!
I don’t know how, why or what caused him to finally remember but he’d come this far to find me. Still, I don’t think he realize there’s no one else for me but him. And since he’s too unsure of his position in my life, I guess the last centimeters separating us right now should be crossed by me.
Ciaran’s surprise and indecision lasted for mere seconds after I molded our lips firmly together. After his slight hesitation he immediately took over the kiss and within minutes I was nothing but a mewling, moaning mess in his arms.
I miss this. We haven’t had much time alone together to enjoy each other or enjoy moments like the one we’re having now. Everything feels rushed and just when things start to get better something immediately fucks up and it seemed inappropriate to indulge ourselves with just this…
I don’t know when Ciaran managed to pull me over his lap but when he gave my butt a gentle squeeze I had no doubt in my mind he wants to consummate our mating now. He doesn’t want to wait for the mating ritual and frankly, neither do I.
But he’s still injured and I’m afraid what we’re about to do would be too much for his body.
“Ciaran, we can’t…” I breathed out as he trailed open-mouthed kisses on my shoulders and chest.
“Yes, we can…” He cooed gently tracing the line of my jaw with the tip of his tongue.
“You’re not fully healed yet…” Fuck! Why do I always have to be the sensible one?Â
“We waited long enough for this,” his warm breath tickled my ear, shooting a bolt of desire straight to my groin. Damn! “If we wait for the mating ritual to do this I feel like I’d never get to have you. Something always seems to fuck up so let’s do this now…”
I get what he’s saying and I want him too, so bad it fucking hurts, but I don’t want him to overtax himself. I hate seeing him at the hospital. I hate seeing him hurt and weak period.
“Ciaran…” My protests sounded weak even to my ears and damn, if he keeps touching me I’m sure I’m going to loose it.
“Please…” He begged and the was it, that sealed the deal for me. “Do you really want stop?”
No! Of course not. Is he crazy? But…
Oh damn, what the hell! Why am I even fighting this? He said so himself, it’s okay. And he could rest after we’re through. Besides, I can’t be held accountable for my actions since the man could probably seduce even a saint to sin if he puts his mind to it.
“Let’s go back to the cabin…” I whispered before taking his hands and leading the way back.
I’m glad it’s still dark because I’m pretty sure my whole body is flushed red by now. It suddenly dawned on me that we’re really going to do it. That tonight would be our first time, my first ever.
To be honest, I don’t know much about being intimate with someone. I was a hundred and ten percent truthful to Ciaran when I told him I’m a 21-year-old virgin. Before I realized he was my mate I never had any interest in other people, not in that way. And when I found out Ciaran was the one I’m fated to be with it’s like my whole system just shut off. It seemed wrong to desire anyone other than him and just thinking about another person touching me intimately makes my stomach feel queasy, in a very bad way.
I know Ciaran had prior experience before me. Actually, I can bet he has vast knowledge and experience when it comes to sexual relationships. Women have been flocking around him since he hit puberty and he’s not the type to turn down an invitation.
What if I disappoint him? What if I do something I’m not supposed to? Or what if I don’t measure up to his expectations? Does he have expectations?
I was too wrapped up in my thoughts I didn’t notice Ciaran and I had stopped walking. I don’t know how long we’ve been standing there and how long he’s been staring at me. But now that I’m quite aware, I feel a bit embarrassed.
“Do you want to wait?” He asked running his fingers on the side of my face. “We don’t need to do this now if you’re having second thoughts.”
“It’s not that…” I looked down to avoid his piercing gaze. How do you admit to someone that you’re afraid of disappointing them in bed without sounding and looking like a pathetic moron?
Ciaran surprised me by asking, “Ruari, forgive me if I’m wrong but are you hesitating because I’ve been with others before?”
I looked at him speechless because he hit the nail on the head and drove the point home in one solid hit. I opened and close my mouth to explain myself but my voice seemed to be caught in my throat. I stopped trying after some time because I know I must look stupid and an uncomfortable silence fell around us.
“I’m sorry.” He started running a hand through his hair. “I can’t undo my past Ruari. I was young and stupid but I know that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been with others before you. I want you to know that none of those people matter to me. That what I had with them is nothing but sex.”
Wait… He lost me there. What is he talking about?
“Shit! I’m not explaining myself well am I?” He said when he noticed my frown.
He dropped my hand and started pacing, biting his thumb and messing up his hair and murmuring profanities at himself. Frankly, I find this side of him really adorable.
“Ruari, I know its cliché but what we’re about to do is not sex but making love. You’d probably hate me and think I’m nothing but a horny bastard and yes, I was. But that was before I found out about you.” He explained holding both my hands and desperately pleading my to understand with his eyes. “I should have waited for my mate, for you, before exploring all those things but if it makes any difference I want you to know that since I found out you’re my mate I haven’t touched or even thought of doing it with anyone but you.”
I’m absolutely shocked. It’s been five years and for a guy like Ciaran that’s like forever. I’m not saying my mate is a manwhore but he’d known sexual pleasure before and he’s bound to have urges, I understand that and I was even prepared to find he’d had some affairs while I was away.
“Please, please tell me you forgive me.”
“I don’t care.” I choked out, feeling a fresh set of tears in my eyes.
He doesn’t understand. What he just told me is probably the best gift he could give me especially right now when I’m having doubts if I’d be able to satisfy him or was he really alright to settle with me. He clearly misunderstood the reason for my hesitation. And there’re no words to express how happy I feel right now because of him.
“Ruari…” Ciaran was crying now too and he looked devastated at my words.
I hate that I can’t explain myself properly to him so instead of trying for words that won’t come out the right way, I decided to try another route.
I grabbed the back of his neck and smashed our lips together. I didn’t wait for him to open his mouth for me, I forced my way in. I buried my fingers on his thick dark hair and kissed him with everything I had. I pulled him with me as I leaned on a tree for balance and wrapped one of my legs around his hip to mold his body to mine.
When I broke off the kiss one of Ciaran’s hand is supporting my leg, hiking it higher to his waist and the other is pulling my hip closer to his. He has a dazed look on his face like he’s just discovered something miraculously divine.
“I don’t care if there were others in your past Ciaran as long as it’s just me now.” I breathed out. “I was just worried that I won’t measure up since you’d be my first.”
He frowned for a moment until he got the meaning of what I was trying to say. Ciaran chuckled and leaned in to trace the line of my ear before biting down hard making me yelp in surprise.
“Sweetheart,” he whispered licking the spot he just bit. “If you had prior experience before me I think I’d go insane with jealousy. I would probably hunt down every person who dared to touch you. I love you just the way you are Ruari. And if it makes you feel any better I think you’re too good for me. I should be the one to worry that I won’t please you…”
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