There are things the mind knows but the heart would never understand, that the heart could easily comprehend but the mind would never make out. Desiring something you shouldn’t and wanting what you cannot have are two different things, the line in between is so blurred it’s often misconstrued.
Love. Happiness. Only people like my brother are lucky enough to find and have those in a lifetime. For the rest of us, those are nothing but tragedies waiting to happen.
Pain is inevitable. I learned that lesson the hard way and I would not allow myself to be placed on such a vulnerable position again.
I never meant to go back. When I left Moonscape to help smoothen out Ruari’s accession to the throne I was determined to stay away, to forget. There’d be nothing but heartache in the end of all this so why bother and set myself up for pain?
They all leave, eventually. No matter what they say or do when it comes down to choosing between shackling themselves with a baggage or freedom to do what they will, everyone always choose to shed the unwanted weight. And my so-called ‘mate’ would be no different. I don’t just think so, I know so.
It’s been three days since we arrived, two more and I’m home free. I don’t know how Ruari talked me into staying this long. We agreed that I’d escort him to Moonscape and then I’d travel back to court and see to everything while he’s away. But for some unexplainable reason my brother managed to con me into staying for his and Ciaran’s official mating ceremony. The ritual will be held this coming full moon.
The high council have been busy working together with the pack for the ritual. No one wants to be left out in all the preparations and no detail is too small. Everyone wants this mating ritual to be memorable for both the alpha and the alpha king.
Next month Ciaran would be coming to court and Ruari would officially proclaim him as the royal consort. There’d be preparations for that ceremony as well and since I’d be acting as my brother’s stewards while he’s away, the responsibilities fall upon my shoulders to make sure the announcement goes on without a hitch.
Replacing the members of the high council was a good move on Ruari’s part. Now there’s no more confusion on how the high council functions and why it was originally founded. And I have to say, the new members now sitting on the council are more than worthy of the trust given to them by the new alpha king.
At first I was afraid Ruari would balk at pressure but he proved himself more than reliable. And in just a short time he amassed a huge amount of support not just from the royals but from the packs as well. Although sometimes I feel like he’s taking on too much. He’s been through a lot in his life and what I want for him right now would be a happy and peaceful life. Perhaps a few weeks for himself, just to enjoy the scenery, to be free. I think Ciaran could give him that.
Ciaran and I have come to standstill. I still haven’t fully forgiven him for what he and his pack did to my brother but I even a cynic like me could easily see that Ruari is only truly happy when he’s around Ciaran.
“Kevan, do you know where Sorell is?” Bran asked while I’m on my way to my room. “He was supposed to come with me to the city to get some supplies but I can’t seem to find anywhere.”
“He’s probably hiding out in Ciaran’s workshop. They brought in another junk yesterday so I’m sure he’d be there trying to ply off the rust from that garbage.”
Sorell had always been passionate about cars and was ecstatic when he found out that Ciaran restores them. Coincidently, some of the council members have the same hobby so the lot of them have been having secret meetings in Ciaran’s workshop to talk about cars, engines and stuff. Personally, I don’t see anything fun about trying to revive an already dying engine and getting yourself covered in grease and grime. But hey, we all have quirks.Â
“I saw some council members sneaking in there as well so would you mind reminding them there’s still much to be done?” Bran nodded and went on his way to hunt for Sorell.
Honestly, I was hoping I’d be back to court by now but two more days wouldn’t make that much of a difference any way. I just have to make sure that I stay out of the way and try not to caught alone with my ‘mate’.
I heaved a sigh at the thought.
Lorcan and I haven’t exactly talked on what our current status is. We never had the time to acknowledge the mating bond since a lot of things had happened from then until now.
We realized the first time we saw each other that we’re mates. I choose to keep quiet and not acknowledge our connection due some complicated circumstances. And he, well, I don’t really know why he kept his mouth shut. And truthfully, I don’t care. I just hope he keeps it that way until I’m well and away from him.
The people around us caught on fast. My brother for one, realized it right away. He tried to ask me a couple of times on what I intended to do but I kept on giving him the sly since I know it’d hurt him if I tell him the truth. Ciaran was a bit slower on the uptake but he guessed it too. Harkin and Sorell realized it at some point but choose not to get involved. They know my situation and standing is a bit complicated. And as long as I’m trapped on it, the circumstance would never allow me to claim a mate. Their silence doesn’t mean they approve of my decision to cut Lorcan off my life. In fact, Sorell voiced his opinion once when he found me huddled in my room bawling my eyes out. It was out of character for him to chide me for something, for anything actually, but that day he made his opinion known loud and clear.
I still don’t know exactly how I feel about finding my true mate. But my feelings and what I want or desire have no weight on this matter. Lorcan would be better off without me and the sooner he distance himself from me, the better he would be.
I was reaching for the knob of my door when someone reached behind me and pushed me inside the room before slamming the door shut behind him. From the instant sparks that shot through my back and the sudden elevation of my heartbeat, there’s no need to guess on who dared to assault me in my room.
“What are you doing here?” I asked facing Lorcan, trying hard to stare at him.
I’ve seen him up close after we arrived but I made it a point not to go near him. After that I’ve spied him a couple of times from a far doing his pack duties and helping with the preparations for the ritual. He didn’t seek me out or try to get my attention in any way. His attitude was always normal whenever we find ourselves on the same room and for that I’m glad. I don’t really want more people to know we’re true mates. That is the reason why I’m wondering, why is he bothering with me now?
“You haven’t spoken a single word to me since you came back.” Lorcan said staring at me intently.
“I didn’t think there was something I needed to say.” I answered warily.
At over six feet tall of pure, hard muscle Lorcan towers over me by a head and some. He may act easy going at times but I saw first hand how dangerous he could be. He lost his left eye when the raiders attacked Moonscape half a year ago. And the injury should have lessened his charm and ruggedly good looks but instead it added to his air of danger and mystery. I’ve seen how unmated females from the pack shamelessly drool and moon over him whenever he’s in sight.
“Why haven’t you claimed me?” He asked taking me completely off guard. “I get that you’re busy with helping Ruari but you could at least acknowledge that we’re true mates.”
Shit! I’m not mentally prepared to have this conversation. This is a damn ambush!
“You were keeping quiet as well,” I pointed out for lack of sane argument.
“I thought there was a reason why you wanted to wait.” He answered. “But it’s been six months Kevan, don’t you think it’s time to step up?”
A delicious shiver ran up my spine and spread all over my body when he called out my name. My wolf, Ennis, is whimpering inside me as I try to hold him down. He’s been so crazy excited since Lorcan pushed us in the room and lock us in together. I don’t know how long I’d be able to keep him away.
“There’s no special reason why I chose not to acknowledge our bond.” I said slowly, carefully calculating my words. “Honestly, I never meant to acknowledge it all.”
I made sure I created an illusion of a good front. My face remained passive, I acted unconcerned and nonchalant even when Ennis is wildly clawing at my insides and I could feel the painful stab in my chest as those words flew out my mouth.
“So you’re telling me you intended to leave me hanging?” He growled angrily advancing a step towards me and I unconsciously stepped back to maintain the distance.
“We haven’t acknowledged the bond and we barely know each other. There would be no lasting attachment between us.” I answered looking at him for the first time, which was a huge mistake. Meeting his angry gaze with my own, I could feel all my defenses cracking. “I’d be gone in two days, after that you could chose from your wide array of admirers and mark a female of your choice.”
I didn’t mean to sound like a begrudged lover but I think that’s what I accomplished. I mentally slapped and cursed myself, thinking of a way to fix my sudden slip.
But Lorcan didn’t seem to notice my mistake when said, “I guess what you said should explain this.” He threw a scandal sheet by me feet and I winced when I caught sight of the headline.
“How did you know it was me?” I asked still staring at the floor.
When I’m appearing as Ruari’s body double no one could literally tell us apart. So how could he?
“Contrary to what you all believe, you and Ruari are nothing alike.” Lorcan said, on a mater-of-fact tone. “I’m sure Ciaran would have noticed the difference if he weren’t so consumed with jealousy at the time.”
It still boggles my mind that he was able to tell it was me from that simple print out. But that’s the least of my worries at the moment. I’m losing control of Ennis and I have to get Lorcan out here right now before I do something I’d regret.
“Care to explain that further?” He said when I looked up motioning towards the paper at the floor.
“What is there to say? It is what is it.” I shrugged, frantically thinking of something harsh to say so he’d go away. “Look, I know we’re true mates but we’d be fine as long as we stay away from each other and mark another. Personally, I’d rather claim a pliant and silent woman who’d do whatever I tell her to than…”
“Why are you so determined to fight this?” Lorcan asked angrily grabbing my arm and pulling me against him. “To fight us?”
I could feel his warm breath fanning my cheeks as he lower his head down to look me in the eye. And I had to close them and turn away so I wouldn’t forget what I set out to do.
“Because we’re not supposed to happen!” I answered struggling against his hold, trying hard to ignore the sparks that shot up my arm and body. I can’t maintain this façade any longer. If he doesn’t let go of me now I’d break and that’s the last thing I need.
“Why?” He growled. “Because you said so?”
“Yes, damn it!” I snarled shrugging his hand off.
If he keeps touching me and pulling me close to him like he just did I don’t know how long I’d be able to hold back.
I took more cautious steps back before adding, “Trust me, I’m doing you a favor. You’d be better off without me.”
“Do you think it’s that easy?” He said in a deadly low tone. “If the mating bond could easily be broken by just wanting it then no wolf would suffer when their mates reject them. Tell me Kevan, how did you cope being away from me for the past six months?”
My head snapped towards him before I could stop myself. I quickly turned away and bit my lip. I don’t trust myself to say anything right now.
To be brutally honest, the past six months had been hell. It was scary how sometimes I’d have nightmares of seeing him hurt or worse. There were days when I was sure I was dying from loneliness and longing. There were times when I couldn’t bring myself to eat or drink or even get off from bed. Sometimes I could trick myself into thinking it was okay, when I could ignore the pain and the tightness in my chest. But on worse days I’d hide away in my room and cry myself dry.
Ennis, my wolf, doesn’t make anything better by continuously snarling and clawing at me to go back and claim our mate. He doesn’t understand why I continuously ignore the bond.
The longer this conversation goes on, the weaker my control gets. Soon all my carefully crafted defenses would be broken into nothing and he’d see. Lorcan would find out the truth and I have to put a stop to all this madness before that happens.
“Why don’t you just let me go?” I hissed currently out of ideas to make him leave me. “Do you want me to formally reject you? You do realize a formal rejection that would be harder for both us than by simply marking someone else.”
Lorcan looked at closely and I tried not to shiver under his scrutinizing gaze. I clenched and unclenched my fists, trying hard to calm my breathing. There’s no point in showing any weakness now. I just have to weather through this and after I leave Moonscape I swear I would not go back no matter what Ruari or anyone say.
“Tell me the truth Kevan,” he asked. “Are you really going to marry that woman? Claim her as your own? Mark her as your life mate?”
I could see the pain in his eyes as he asked me this question. My gut twisted painfully because I know I’m the one who’s caused the pain. I know it’s important to him, he’s trying to figure me out and to give me another chance to take back my lies. But I’d rather hurt him and suffer the consequences than drag him through the muck with me.
“Yes,” I answered before turning away from him.
This is for the best. Lorcan would be better off without me. He doesn’t know what I’d done and it’s better if we part ways now before he finds out.
Lorcan would find another a mate, someone who deserves him much more than I do. Someone who’d love him completely, someone who’d make him happy. I’m too broken, too screwed up to give him any of that.
I know he won’t let me go unless I do something drastic. He won’t give up until I shove it in his face that I don’t want him. And the only way I could make him release me is by marking and claiming another. That’s why I’m going to mate with someone else. I don’t care what happens anymore, I just want him safely away from me and my poison.
“Really?” He said dangerously.
I didn’t even realize he moved close to where I was. And before I figured out what he intended to do, Lorcan grabbed the side of my head and pulled harshly, exposing my neck to him.
I felt his canine sink into my skin and my knees buckled when his essence started streaming into me. I could smell his scent mixing with mine. Our breathing slowly synchronized and in a matter of seconds our hearts started beating as one.
“What have you done?” I whispered tiredly as I fall on my knees.
“Let me see you claim someone else now that you’re bearing my mark.” He said looking down at me. “I’m giving you six months to retract your decision and mark me. If you don’t come to me by then, I’d take your advice and claim someone else.” And with that parting statement he was gone.
Comment