Sugar Baby Âœ”ϸ eighteenth: unsaid

Sometimes, the comments touch my soul. I appreciate each and every one of you who read this far. Thank you for giving Xavier’s story a chance. This chapter is dedicated to one such person who’s words have meant more to me than I could possibly express. .

My heart was full.

For the first time since I had lost my pathetic excuse of a home.

He was my home now.

I gazed at our intertwined fingers, almost expecting his to slip out. But he remained still. Holding me as tightly as I wanted him to. He breathed quietly into my ear, the mellow sound making my heart flutter.

I turned to face him, kissing his jaw as he gazed at me, his eyes glittering gently. My chest seemed to burst. How was it possible to love someone with an intensity so consuming that he was suddenly my entire being?

“Xavier,” he began as I snuggled into him. “Maybe, after all this is over-“

I sucked in a breath, my stomach clenching nervously.

He fell silent at once, as if rethinking his words.

“Yeah?” I prompted, leaning back to look at him. He shook his head and disentangled himself from me. My heart screamed at the separation. I almost reached for him. I almost pulled him back.

My heart raced as he started picking his scattered clothes. After he was done dressing in silence, he turned to me and spoke softly, “I have to go.”

Don’t go.

I took a shuddering breath and nodded. I rose to my feet. I didn’t want to push him any further.

I was feeling much more confident in my naked body around him. Like his touch had washed away everyone else’s. I placed my hand on his face and lifted my lips towards his, kissing him. I kissed him eagerly. Trying to tell him what I wanted him to know through my actions. The kiss lasted for mere seconds before he held my hand firmly and gently pushed it away from his face. I gazed at him, cold dread suddenly filling my chest.

“I…have to go,” he repeated, his voice hard.

I stared at him, my heart wrenching. I couldn’t understand why he was suddenly rejecting me. There was only one rational reason and I was praying I was mistaken.

“Do you regret it?”

His eyes flashed. He tore his gaze away from me without another word. My blood ran cold. “Gray?” I followed him to the exit. “Gray, you…regret it?”

The thought felt like a white-hot knife plunged into my chest. Anguish unlike I thought I was capable of feeling ravaged me. Burying me under an avalanche of distress. 

He sighed deeply and turned around to face me. “Xavier…I…this isn’t right. We work together. This kind of thing isn’t good for either of us.”

Liar. 

“And…that is the only reason?” I scoffed. “HR?”

He was quiet for a while, biting his lip nervously before he spoke, ”I’m just saying that…this kind of thing is going to weaken us both. It’s going to impact-“

“Can you for once-” I spoke, my voice trembling with suppressed rage, “not whine about your fucking work?” 

His face was impassive when he replied. “You know what is at stake here, Xavier. You know how critical-“

I sighed, my chest felt tight, “Yeah. Alright. Then just fucking say yes. Just say that you regret it.”

And for a few dreaded seconds, I was sure he would. 

His lips parted slightly as if he was about to speak. Then they pressed in a thin line and he shut his eyes, sighing. As if he was on the verge of saying something but unable to. He opened his eyes and gazed at me for several seconds before he walked over to me and kissed me. Hungrily. Eagerly. Pulling my naked body close to his as my heart hammered, my stomach clenching in the beautiful anticipation. His tongue met mine, entangling hotly together as fire raged in the pit of my stomach. After a few minutes, he released me, breathing hard. He touched his forehead to mine as my heart fluttered hopefully. 

“I don’t regret it, Xavier,” he whispered. I bit my lip, trying to catch my breath. Agony and shock ripped through me when I saw his eyes so catatonically dark. As if they had never been the emerald I was so in love with. Or was it a mere trick of the light?

“Gray-” I began, but shut up when kissed me again. Desperately. I let my tongue enter his mouth again, exploring it. Trying to wrest the unsaid words. Words he was hiding in his beautiful heart. Words he couldn’t utter from his enticing lips.

“There’s just…some…” he sighed, “-thing.”

“What thing?” I whispered. 

He was quiet, shutting his eyes again as if in pain. “Just…” He shook his head. He leaned towards me and kissed me again. Again. Again. Like he was drowning and I was air. I was bewildered by his intense passion. He cradled my face gently in his hand. I leaned slightly into his touch, gazing at him. Waiting for his answer. Patiently.

“Do you promise…you won’t hate me, Xavier?” 

A thousand volts of electricity rattled my heart.

Hate him. How could I ever hate him? When he was a part of my own damn heart.

The world seemed to stop as he gazed into my eyes. I couldn’t fathom the depths of his chasmic irises. What avalanche of agony, what sea of sorrow was he hiding? He didn’t deserve anything apart from joy. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Tell me, Gray.”

He bit his lip. The naked anguish in his eyes like flames to my very skin.

“I have to go,” he whispered. I was shocked to see his eyes glaze over for a second, glistening.

“Gray?”

He leaned backwards, nodding at me. My heart mourned at the loss of his hand against my face when he turned around and started walking towards the door. My heart was hammering painfully. What was he hiding? What could he possibly have done which would make me hate him?

Nothing. Not a single fucking thing could make me not love him. I glanced at the floor where the phone I had heaved hours ago was vibrating with an incoming call. It took me a few seconds to gain enough rationality to walk over to it. I placed the phone against my ear, my chest brimming with some unsaid emotion. 

“Hey, Scarlett.”

“Could you come over? I’m so bored I could die.”

I gazed at the empty door, imagining Grayson walking in. Picturing his smile. Hearing his laugh. Reliving his touch.

‘Maybe after all this is over-‘

What then Grayson? Would we be together? I was terrified of the hope it granted me. Maybe it was best if I didn’t think about it. If I didn’t think about waking to his angelic face every morning. If I didn’t think about his warm body. His smile. His laugh. His eyes. His heart. Him.

I was terrified of hope. It had always found means to destroy my soul.

I took a deep breath as I answered, “I’ll be there.”

*

“Thanks for coming over. I was really bored.”

I gave Scarlett a polite smile as I stepped into her home. She led me to the living room and sat on the couch. I went over and sat at the far end. Under normal circumstances, I would have sat closer to her. But the memories of him were tormenting me. Maybe Grayson was right. It was distracting me. But I didn’t care. He had made love to me. He hadn’t been repulsed by me. I couldn’t get over how amazing it had felt.

“Congratulations again on the test thing,” I commented, shooting her a sideways glance as she leaned back and pointed the remote at the television. 

She grinned, glancing at me. “Thanks. I’m just kinda worried how mom will react. Maybe I shouldn’t tell her.”

I gazed around the living room and noticed the many awards and trophies on shelves that I hadn’t noticed earlier. “She’s returning today right?”

She nodded as the theme song of a vaguely familiar show started playing. “You okay with Friends?”

I gazed at the screen and shrugged. “Sure,” I glanced at the trophies again. “So, all of these are yours? Or Rosalie’s?”

Her gaze followed mine and she shook her head. “Both.” She pointed at a particularly large shield as she spoke. “That is the Entrepreneur of The Year. Mom got it last year. That one-” she pointed at a massive, shining cup, “-is mine. When I won the state championships in badminton.”

In the year two thousand seventeen. Of course, I already knew that about. Maybe some physical activity would effectively take my mind away from Grayson’s unsaid words. I smiled at her, “Would you like a match?”

Her eyes widened slightly. “You play badminton?”

“Sure,” I shrugged.

She grinned and rose to her feet, her eyes shining. “Alright, come on. I’ll show you something.”

She led me to the living room and along the corridor opposite the kitchen. She opened a door on the left, her hand clasping mine as we climbed downstairs. We reached another hallway and she flashed me a smile. “Let me show you my favourite part of the building.”

She led me a little further and opened a large, wooden door on her left. She stepped inside and switched the lights on. 

“Fuck,” I swore under my breath, gazing in amazement. 

A massive hall, the size of the building above greeted me. It was divided into sections by tall walls. In front of me was a large lawn (artificial, I assumed) with a few exercise equipment. At the farther end were what looked like areas for many different kinds of sports. I noticed a large swimming pool at the far right corner. A massive wall separating it from what looked like a tennis lawn. The room on its left was simply a lawn of grass which I presumed was for football. A basketball court stood to my left and a massive badminton court at the centre.

She left my hand and turned around, grinning.

“This is incredible!” I shook my head. “Reminds me of the damn Olympics.”

She laughed and clasped my hand in hers again, leading me towards the badminton court. 

“Wait,” she ordered and she walked over to a large closet, opening it. I saw that it contained tonnes of sports equipment. Even a hockey stick and swimming costumes. She extracted two rackets and a shuttle and walked over to me. She handed me the black, sturdy one. “There.”

I rotated the racket slowly in my hand, feeling the soft, firm grip. “I have to admit I am a little intimidated now.”

She smirked cockily, “I’ll try to go easy on you, Waters.”

I smirked back at her. “That’s mighty generous of you, Atkinson.”

She walked over to the other side of the court and started hopping on the spot slowly. “Whenever you’re ready!”

I had taken badminton classes from a professional trainer for a few years in middle school, at the time that life was still good. But I wasn’t going to tell her that. I took a deep breath and sent the shuttle sailing back at her. If she underestimated me, then I would have the upper hand.

It seemed like she didn’t however. Her focus was admirable. For someone who hadn’t touched a racket for almost a decade, I was still pretty good. We engaged in a few friendly battles. I gazed at her, studying her out of habit. She had a tell, her eyes narrowing slightly when she was aiming for a smash, widening ever so slightly when she was about to hit a drop. The match ended with me almost winning one set. She flattened me in another set. The others were respectable victories for her and gracious losses for me.

I collapsed on the ground and lay flat on my back, gazing at the high ceiling. I heard her laugh as she sauntered over to me, her face floating into my vision. “You’re not that bad, Waters.”

I laughed. “Would you believe me if I told you that I let you win?”

She giggled. “Sure. That’s mighty generous of you.”

She sat cross-legged beside me as I struggled to catch my breath. There was a loud ringing noise from her phone as she groaned. I saw the screen of the familiar numerology app from Rosalie’s phone on hers.

“You’re into numerology as well?”

She sighed and shook her head. “My mom makes me keep this app. I don’t even know why it matters. We’re the same zodiac so it’s the same numbers and it’s apparently auspicious and everything.” She rolled her eyes.

She opened her mouth as if to say something again before the muffled sound of the doorbell rang and I started.

She sighed, “Probably Martin.”

I turned so I was facing her and asked, “Who?”

She rose to her feet. “He’s the supply manager. Mom is really paranoid about new launches and everything so he personally delivers them to the warehouse.”

I nodded, rising to my feet. I needed to check out the new launches of whatever it was that she was talking of. Maybe it wouldn’t have anything, maybe it would. I had to make sure. 

“Hey…how do you feel about breaking into a warehouse?”

She gaped at me. “Like…my mom’s?”

I nodded. “Aren’t you a little curious as to what’s in it?”

She shrugged. “Probably some new lipstick or clothes and stuff.”

I walked closer to her, clasping her hand in mine. “Only one way to find out.”