Nico looked around the sea of black for his husband. Bianca bounced on his hip as he realized where he most likely was. He found Kayla’s shock of ginger hair amidst the charcoal, and weaved his way toward her.
“Kay, could you take Bia? I have to go find Will,” Nico said. Kayla made a slight smile, pressing her lips into a line. She nodded and took the baby from Nico.
Nico immediately turned to the staircase, and climbed to the second floor of the old Texan ranch house. He immediately heard faint cries from the door that stood partly opened. At the top of the stairs, he closed his eyes and breathed deeply, biting his lip to keep himself from crying. He hated this whole situation, why did she have to be gone now?
Nico pushed the door open to see Will, his black jacket discarded beside him on the bed and his shirt unbuttoned at the collar. Head in his hands, he was crying quietly. Nico moved the jacket behind him and sat beside Will. He rubbed his back slowly and Will leaned into his touch, putting his head on his shoulder. Will removed his hands from his face and bit his lip. His eyes were red and his cheeks stained.
“I still…haven’t fully processed it. I haven’t processed that she’s gone, and there’s no coming back. My brain is coping with the sudden traumatic event, and is blocking it out, causing me to not be able to realize that my mother has…” Will shakily drew a breath.Â
“You don’t have to say it. It’s alright,” Nico whispered softly.
“I can’t…why can’t I just say it!” Will shouted, getting up. He wrapped his arms around himself and paced. Nico blinked away tears.
“Will, come here-“
“No! She’s…she’s gone, she’s…she’s gone, gone, my mother is gone and I can’t do anything, I can’t save her!” Tears streamed down Will’s cheeks, and his body trembled. “Why does she have to be gone, Nico? Why?” He fell to his knees, and rocked. Nico brushed away the tears on his own face before kneeling next to Will and wiping his.
“Will…I’m so sorry. I know how you feel, more than anyone else. I know there’s nothing I can do to fix this. But I want to do what you’ve always done for me. So please…let me be your Will.” Will’s eyes held nothing but pain and suffering as he looked up at Nico. His bottom lip trembled and his breath wheezed slightly in his lungs.
“Nico…” Will collapsed into Nico’s open arms, and Nico stroked his hair as he whispered to him. Will’s arms were tight around Nico’s waist but he barely noticed. He couldn’t stop his tears from slowly sliding down his face and he couldn’t feel anything but pain. But that was nothing compared to Will’s.
Grief is hard to explain.
It’s being torn apart,
and forgetting that you’re in pieces
until you go to move
and you cannot.
It’s your world ending over and over again
each time you realize
that it’s really ended.
You can’t stop it
the waves
the tsunami
coming back, again and again,
reminding you each day
that they are gone,
and you are utterly alone.
It’s being in complete pain
that nothing can fix.
And you know it cannot be fixed,
which makes it more unbearable.
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