That night, when everyone had retreated to their rooms, I took a lot of time to think. At first, when we had gotten, I had planned to spend the night with Lord Evenus on his own bed, but when I saw him after the ball my eyes had whirled up, and I felt like I was going to cry. So, I decided not to be around him. I was afraid I would break down and be made to explain myself. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to come off as selfish and demanding that Lord Evenus left Sawyer in the past for me. We’d been together for months, and the Lord had loved him for years. I had no right to demand that from Lord Evenus, but good God I couldn’t deny that was what I wanted from him.
I heard a knock on my door, and I looked up, noticing that it was the door that joined my room to Evenus’. I stared at the door, hugging my legs to my chest as I thought of what to do. I was in a nightgown and sitting in bed. I had come up a bit early, not wanting Lord Evenus to stick to me after he had been set free by his friends.
It didn’t help that I saw men openly flirt with him. It didn’t help that he didn’t push back and went along with it. I knew it was not cheating per se. We were sharing a bed, but Lord Evenus had never made it clear to me that we were lovers with proper obligations to each other. Also, even if we were, I didn’t think I would be so angry about the situation if I hadn’t broken down in tears about Sawyer just before.
“Manfred,” he called me when I didn’t answer the door. “I know you’re in there,” he added, and I looked down at my feet, feeling my chest squeezed with pain. He was speaking so softly to me, but I wanted to be angry at him now. I wanted to have some time to myself to think.
“Can I come in?” he asked, and I remained quiet, looking over to the door. “I promise that I won’t say anything,” he said, and I squared my shoulders, licking my bottom lip as unshed tears burned my eyes again. If he walked in, he would see me crying, and I would have to explain myself, but he promised not to say anything, so I wonder…
“Manfred.” The Lord’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “Manfred, please give me permission to come in.”
I wasn’t sure why he was doing this. He could walk in without my permission. I was his servant, and me ignoring him was rude and tasteless, but here he was begging me to let him in.
“You can come in,” I let out, swallowing spit when I noticed how dry my throat was from choking on sobs I didn’t want to let out.
The door to the bedroom I was in creaked open, and I watched as Lord Evenus stepped into the room before closing the door behind him. He stared at me, with his brow furrowed and his lips drawn thin. He was wearing a cream nightshirt and loose black breeches. His feet were bare, and his hair was an uncombed mess.
He didn’t talk for a bit, but his promise not to say anything didn’t last long.
“Manfred…” he trailed, looking at me before taking steps forward. He was soon by the bed, and before I knew it, he had climbed in with me, sitting by my side. I held on to my legs, tightening my grip as I attempted to hold myself together. “Is something the matter?” he asked, and I just looked down at my feet, not talking.
“Did someone say something to you?” Lord Evenus asked, taking a hold of my shoulder.
“No,” I let out before the Lord took a hold of my chin before making me look at him.
“Then why…?” he trailed, knowing that I understood what he meant. Why was I upset? Why was I like this? Why did I look so hurt? I understood all the questions he was asking me with his eyes, but I couldn’t find a way to express them to him without giving away the jealousy I had for Sawyer and my uncertainty about our relationship.
“I saw you flirt with those men,” I muttered, deciding that telling him that got to me was understandable, and not enough to turn the tables. “I don’t know. It upset me,” I added, sucking in my lips as my eyes watered.
The Lord stared at me, before moving his hands to my back and pulling me into a hug. He smelled like beer and grapes. There was also a hint of smoke. I had noticed the group of people smoking pipes out on the balcony upstairs. He must have been one of them.
“You know that didn’t mean anything,” he said as I blinked back tears, staring at the moon through the open window.
“I know, I’ve been very sensitive lately,” I said. It was all because of Sawyer, of course, but I couldn’t say that. Not now, and not ever.
“You’re the man I love, don’t let your confidence deter,” he muttered into my hair before kissing my temple. I felt my heart pound loudly against my lips, and my face grew warm as the words I had always wanted to hear directly got processed in my mind. “I want you, not anyone else,” he went on, pulling me away from me so that he could smile at me. I noticed that his eyes were glossy too, and my eyes widened in alarm.
“Why—?” I paused, not finishing my words.
The Lord blinked, chuckling a bit before shaking his head. “It’s nothing,” he sighed. “I was just a bit afraid someone might have told you something that upset you,” he said, smiling at me. I stared at him, wondering if he meant things about him and Sawyer, or things about his flings with other men after him. “Also, I was upset you didn’t say until the end of the song,” The Lord muttered, making me look down at the space between us.
So, the song had been for me.
He was singing in public again because of me.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, moving to hug him again. “I just felt a bit overwhelmed.” That wasn’t a lie. I had been, but for different reasons than what Lord Evenus comprehended.
“Manfred,” the Lord called my name, and I pulled away from the Lord, looking at him.
“What is it, sir?” I asked, watching as he sighed and rested his head on my chest.
“There’s a lot I want to say, but first of all why don’t you call me Bennett like I’ve asked you to?” His voice was firm, and it was pushing me for a sincere answer.
“I don’t just…” I trailed, not even sure what my own reasons were. “I guess I just feel like I should call you Lord Evenus?” I said, watching him raise his head to give me a small smile.
“I like Bennett better, thank you,” he said. “It makes me feel closer to you. We’re lovers, are we not?” he asked, and my face warmed up again, cataloging his free admission of the face.
“Okay,” I muttered. “Lord Bennett,” I said, and I watched as the Lord grinned at me.
“You don’t know how much that means to me,” he said, taking my face in his hands. “I worry a lot about us, and I worry that you don’t love me as much as I love you…” he trailed, making me swallow back my spit. Lord Evneus didn’t know half of how much I loved him. I’ve loved him for years, and I yearned for him even more with every passing day.
“Sometimes I think you’ll decide your soul was worth saving for heaven, instead of rolling in sin with me,” he said, and I felt my throat clog up. He was right. I did fight with that a lot. I fought with that, and the memories of what I had happened to Alistair because I had been too afraid.
“I love you,” I said, shaking as the words left my mouth. “I love you so much. I wouldn’t leave you for anything,” I added, feeling my whole body shake now.
“That makes me feel better,” Lord Evenus said, hugging me to himself. “Manfred, one day I’ll tell you everything. I promise.” I felt my lips tremble at his words, but I let out a small ‘okay’, deciding it was fine to let him go at his own pace. He had been through so much, and I knew that it would be hard to open up to someone new.
Lord Evenus pulled away from me before cupping my cheek and leaning in to press his lips against mine. We kissed, reaching under each other’s garments as the warmth from our mouths traveled down our chests and pooled at our stomachs.
I was gently pushed down until I was lying flat on my back and the lord was hovering over me. We kissed until our mouths felt numb and we couldn’t anymore. The lord pulled me to his chest, cradling me as we both drifted off to sleep.
Lord Evenus had night terrors that night. He called out Sawyers name a series of times, but he would say my name as he relaxed his grip on me. His facial expression would soften, and his breathing would go back to normal.
I held on to his face, giving him a sad smile. I didn’t think the night terrors would ever go away, but I promised myself that I would do my best to see them through with him.
I managed to get a bit of sleep with Lord Evenus had stopped shaking and tossing. My sleep wasn’t dreamless like I had wished. It had been a jumble of scenes and thoughts. There was a part where I stood next to Sawyer and we were asking Lord Evenus to choose, and there was a part where I saw Alistair’s back turned to me in the woods, but no matter how fast I chased after him I wasn’t able to catch up. It’s true to say that I woke up cranky, but I didn’t let my bad mood damper Evenus’ cheery one.
Lord Evenus and I ate breakfast in the dining room with Lady Agnes and Count Alan. We had woken up early, making it just us having breakfast. The rest of the guests that hadn’t left yesterday were sure to leave later in the day, or even early the next morning. Lord Evenus and I were leaving immediately after breakfast.
“I hope you enjoyed yourselves. I didn’t have much time to talk to you yesterday,” Lady Agnes said, looking at me with a smile as we all ate. I looked away, feeling uncomfortable about the fixation she was giving me. I wasn’t sure if Lord Evenus had told her something the day before, but that was my guess.
When breakfast was over Lord Evenus went out to have a chat with the count, leaving me along with Lady Agnes.
“He cares about you so much,” she said, looking down at the cloth that covered the dining table. “Don’t break his heart,” she said, and I nodded, but I was sure that if anyone’s heart was going to be broken it would be mine.
We bid the Count and his daughter farewell soon after that before getting into our carriage and starting our journey. Lord Evenus slept for most of it, resting his head on my shoulder through the journey. When we got back, we were greeted by Troy and Marie before we went inside.
As I changed out of my clothes that evening of our return a thought lingered in my mind. I shut my eyes, covering my face with my hands as I let out a sigh.
I had talked to Lord Evenus. We had poured our hearts out to each other, but I was still itching to know was in the drawing-room.
I felt terrible.
Comment