Behind The Limelight 34: Terrible Roads

Ashton found himself sitting on the porch late at night. Everyone had already gone to bed. Ryker was confused when Ashton told him he’d join him in a few, but he didn’t question Ashton too much about it, giving him his space.

Ashton hated how anxiety had become his natural state. He’d always suffered from being nervous, but over the last few years it had gotten progressively worse. He had to cancel so many interviews and events last year because every time he would try to leave the house, fear would grip him hard, leaving him immobile. It definitely played a role in how his career started to deteriorate too.

All Ashton could do was curse himself for being stupid. For being weak.

It did get better, though. His panic attacks, which he would never admit were panic attacks, became less frequent and he was able to focus on work again. But the possibility that he could go back to that phase, that time when everything left him terrified and alone was sufficient to break Ashton down.

“Ash?” Called out a soft, sleepy voice. Ashton turned around to see Helena standing there, rubbing her eyes with a glass of water in her hand.

“Oh, hey. I didn’t wake you, did I?” Ashton asked. Helena shook her head lightly as she came and sat down next to the actor.

“No, I got up to fetch some water and saw the porch light on,” Helena answered. “Can’t sleep? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Ashton said. He was lying. He tilted his head to look at Helena, who was frowning at him, clearly not buying it.

“I’m not going to force you to talk, but I hope you know that you can say anything if you want to,” Helena replied. “You, Ryker, Abi…all three of you are my kids. And a mother knows when her children aren’t fine.”

Ashton stared at her, almost speechless for a brief period of time. The corner of his eyes were starting to water, but he closed them shut as he rested his head on Helena’s shoulder. She kept her hand on his hair, caressing it soothingly.

“I think I have feelings for someone,” Ashton admitted, his voice low and scared. “Someone I’m not supposed to like.”

“And?”

“And it’s terrifying. It’s going to change everything and I… I’m not good with change,” Ashton said.

“Oh, filho,” Helena sighed. “You know, when I met Jim, his entire family was against him being with me.”

“Really? Why?”

“They thought I was playing him. Trying to trap him into marrying me for a green card,” Helena scoffed. “And when my family got to know this, they were livid. They didn’t want me marrying into a family that thought so low of me.”

“What happened then?” Ashton asked, curious. He didn’t know Helena and Jim’s story.

“Jim and I said fuck you to them all, what else?” Helena said with a light chuckle. “We knew our love was true. That was all that mattered to us. We told our families that if they didn’t want to support us, then they weren’t invited to the wedding. We drove to a court the next day and got married. Just us and a couple of our close friends.”

“That’s epic,” Ashton smiled, making Helena nod.

“They came around in the end. My point here is that love isn’t always easy,” Helena paused. “And I know in your case it hasn’t always been kind either. But do not give up on it, Ash. It is the most amazing thing in the world if you let it grow.”

“But it’s complicated,” Ashton argued. “My life…when you’re a public figure then your life isn’t just your own. I know I signed up for it and everything, but I have millions of people criticizing my every move. For fuck’s sake even if I wear the same hoodie outside twice then I have people judging me for not knowing shit about fashion. It’s exhausting, and with this person…I know it’s not going to be a smooth ride.”

“Terrible roads lead to beautiful destinations,” Helena retorted. “I understand it’s hard always being under public scrutiny. But if you think the person you have feelings for would make you happy then…won’t it be easier to deal with all the crap with them by your side? You don’t have to take on the weight of everything alone. That’s not what a relationship is.”

“I suppose,” Ashton mumbled, still unsure.

“All I’m saying is that you deserve love, you deserve somebody that treats you right and if you find a person like that then you’d be a fool to let them go,” Helena said. “It’s going to be hard and it’s going to be scary, but you need to open your heart, Ash. You need to let someone in.”

Ashton and Helena sat on the porch for a while more, mostly in silence as Ashton thought about what she said. Eventually, Helena kissed Ashton’s forehead before getting up and returning to her room. Ashton stared at the moon, finding some clarity in his thoughts for the first time in forever.

Ashton went back to Ryker’s room. Ryker was on the bed, the pillow still in the middle, dividing the two men.

Ashton threw the pillow on the floor.

“What are you—”

“Shut up.” Ashton did so by leaning forward and connecting their lips. Ryker was taken aback, but he replied instantly by placing his hand at the nape of Ashton’s neck and kissing him back.

That’s all they did. They just kissed. Until they were breathless.

Ashton hadn’t realized before this how right this felt. He wasn’t kissing Ryker because he was horny and wanted to get laid, but because he wanted to be close to the other man. Because his body was beginning to ache for Ryker. Ashton had never felt this need inside of him before.

This almost animalistic need to be one with somebody else.

He had been in all kinds of relationships before. From one night stands and casual dating to having a long term girlfriend that he was contemplating proposing to. He’d been with a lot of girls, lasting from two hours to two years. But never had he felt so strongly, and moreover so purely for someone.

Never had he been so blind to his feelings either. He was clueless until the very moment when his emotions had already grown so intense that there was no ignoring them now. No pretending that he didn’t want Ryker.

Ashton and Ryker lay facing each other. Ryker’s expression held an innocent confusion, as if he couldn’t comprehend what was going on in Ashton’s head.

Well, that made two of them. Ashton didn’t know what the fuck he was doing either. He couldn’t even tell whether his feelings were real or not. Maybe it was all a dream. It sure as hell felt like one.

Their bodies were close, their legs entwined as Ryker brought his hand upwards to touch Ashton’s face. His fingers caressed Ashton’s cheek, so tenderly that the hair on Ashton’s body stood in attention. There was an unspoken intensity in the way they were staring at each other, but the air around them was calm. It was soothing.

It was safe.

Ashton’s heart fluttered, he could feel it vibrate in his body, the sound beating like a drum in his ears. There was vulnerability on his face, an emotion so raw that Ryker mirrored it too. They were thinking and feeling the same thing, but they were both hesitant in voicing it out loud.

Acknowledging it would make it real. The boundaries that had kept them away for so long, the walls that Ashton had built and Ryker had cemented were slowly fading away. But neither of them were willing to accept it. The fear of rejection clouded the possibility of anything else.

Ryker’s touch was electric. The warmth wasn’t just physical, it was something that Ashton was feeling within him. Ryker was lighting him up from the inside. Igniting a fire that had never been ablaze.

Ashton had words at the tip of his tongue. But he didn’t have the courage to say them out loud. So he did not. What he did, was shift closer to Ryker, resting his head on the other man’s chest as he wrapped an arm around his waist.

That night, Ashton fell asleep to the sound of Ryker’s heartbeat.

~~~

Ashton had never felt this cozy and comfortable before. He woke up to Ryker holding him from behind, his face in the crook of Ashton’s neck and his hands underneath Ashton’s shirt, keeping him in place. His grip was strong, as if even unconsciously, Ryker was afraid of letting him go.

Ashton must’ve been fucking crazy because he couldn’t help the smile that found its way to his face. He tried to go back to sleep, he was in the half awake state when Ryker finally woke up as well. He yawned softly, pulling Ashton even closer as he cuddled with him.

Ryker kissed Ashton’s neck. Not in a seductive way, but in a rather gentle and affectionate manner. Ashton tilted his head back, pecking Ryker’s lips. Ryker smiled with his eyes still closed.

When he finally did open his eyes, he looked at Ashton as if he was somebody to cherish. Like he was a treasure of some sort, and maybe, just maybe Ashton understood what Parker was going on about when he talked about the way Ashton and Ryker stared at each other.

There was a brief flash of uncertainty and worry on Ryker’s face too, but Ashton stifled it by connecting their lips once again, a longer yet still tender kiss.

“I don’t understand,” Ryker finally spoke, his voice low.

“I don’t either Ry,” Ashton replied softly.

“Then let’s not think,” Ryker said, keeping his palm on Ashton’s cheeks. “Let’s just be.”

“Be what?”

“Whatever we are in this moment,” Ryker elaborated. “No titles or labels. Let’s just be us.”

“Okay,” Ashton agreed. He didn’t know who was more shocked by his answer, him or Ryker.

Ashton knew it wasn’t going to be easy. He and Ryker still had a lot of issues that they needed to air out, they needed to work on their communication and they had to figure out how to go about everything.

But that was a worry for the future. In that moment, all they cared about was being in each other’s arms. That was the only thing that mattered.

***

probably one of the most emo chapters I’ve ever written