Behind The Limelight Epilogue

“Are you sure about this?” Ryker asked. The two of them were in the limo, seconds away from walking on the red carpet.

Ashton hadn’t felt this nervous in a long time. He was sweating, he wiped his palms on his pants as he tried to take in long, deep breaths. Ryker kept his hand on Ashton’s thigh, squeezing it reassuringly.

“Seriously, Ash, you don’t have to do anything. I really am fine with things the way that they are right now,” Ryker said, meaning every word. Ashton shook his head rapidly, but he couldn’t get any words out of his lips. His mouth was dry and his throat felt constricted.

All Ashton could think about was the blinding lights and flashes that were going to bombard them the moment they step out of the car. The screaming, the questions, the comments… People chanting their names, reporters yelling out their ridiculous theories in order to find some new gossip, posing for pictures and smiling even when their jaw starts to ache.

Normally, all of this didn’t bother Ashton. The red carpet was his second home. But then again, he never had to make such a big reveal before. He had walked with past girlfriends, it came so naturally to keep his hand on their waist and kiss their cheek affectionately for pictures. But he didn’t have any clue about what to do with Ryker. It was so new, so foreign even though they had been dating each other for a while now.

Fuck. Ashton’s therapist had hinted that Ashton may not be ready for the public scrutiny yet, but he was so convinced. He really wanted to make Ryker proud, to show him that he loved him and wasn’t ashamed of what they had.

But he couldn’t.

“I’m sorry,” Ashton whispered. He couldn’t look at Ryker. He couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on his face. He had been so excited the night before, and even while they were getting ready just an hour ago. But Ashton had to ruin it all again, just like he ruined everything.

“Baby,” Ryker said softly. “I can already tell that you’re beating yourself over this. I swear that it’s okay, you don’t have to shout your feelings for me from the rooftops to prove that you love me. I know that you do. You show me that every day and I’ve never doubted you.”

“But I… I told you that I would… but I can’t… fuck! I just can’t stop fucking things up no matter what—”

“Sh,” Ryker leant forward to kiss Ashton. Thank fuck for the dark, tinted windows. “I’m not holding this against you. Coming out to the entire world when you’re someone with millions of people following what you do…that is not easy, Ash. I understand, trust me I do.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Ashton repeated over and over again.

“Say you’re sorry again and I’ll actually get mad, okay?” Ryker threatened, though he didn’t really mean it. He knew Ashton tended to apologize a lot whenever he was anxious, and he would never punish Ashton for it.

“Yeah,” Ashton nodded. He closed his eyes shut, focused on his breathing as he held Ryker’s hand. “Let’s go.”

“You good?” Ryker asked, making Ashton nod again.

He wasn’t okay, both the men knew it. But they had no other option but to suck it up, put a smile on their faces, walk out the car and wave at the fans.

So that’s exactly what they did.

The premiere was a success.

Tabby didn’t waste a single opportunity to show off her wedding ring. She and Lee looked like such a power couple, both dressed to the nines as they walked with their heads held high. Ashton couldn’t help but feel jealous. He could only wish that he had the guts to be out like them. He knew how hard it was for Tabby, with people constantly making fun of Lee’s identity online. But Tabby handled it all with grace, and so did Lee.

There were times when Ashton felt like saying ‘fuck it’ and kissing Ryker in front of everyone. But he couldn’t. He simply couldn’t. His hands would start trembling whenever he thought like that, and his mind would end up going to the dark place where he had to tried to protect himself from for so long. It felt like all the progress he had made was for nothing.

Everyone seemed to love the movie, people shook Ashton’s hand, congratulated him, and by the end of the event he lost count of how many people praised him. All of this meant nothing, though. His success didn’t mean shit because he couldn’t share it with Ryker. Ironically, Ryker was beside him the entire time, yet he felt like they were too far away.

Ashton cried himself to sleep. Ryker held him all night. He rubbed Ashton’s back and he kept whispering how much he loved him and how proud he was of him. The reassurances did little to make Ashton feel better.

He was feeling like a failure once again.

~~~

Things became tense between the two men ever since the premiere. Ashton felt like he had built up walls around himself again. As both of them grew more busy, they started spending less and less time together. Ryker tried to bridge the gap, he tried his best, but there was something keeping Ashton away.

They didn’t fight. They didn’t argue. But there was an unavoidable strain on their relationship that neither of them knew how to overcome.

Until Ryker had enough.

“—I don’t know what to do here, Ash,” Ryker spoke, sounding desperate as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m trying so damn hard to keep you close but you continue pulling away from me and I’m at a loss now. Just tell me if you want to end this.”

“I don’t,” Ashton shook his head, his voice breaking. “I really don’t, Ry, please.”

“Are you sure?” Ryker asked. “Because whenever I ask you to come over, you always have some excuse ready. When I call you’re too busy and when I— what more should I do? I feel like I’m the only one trying to make this relationship work.”

“I’m going to do better, I swear I will,” Ashton said.

“You said this the last time too,” Ryker sighed tiredly as sat down on the couch. “I’m exhausted, Ash. I’m just… I think I need some space.”

“Ryker,” Ashton whispered, pleading with the man as he sat down on the floor next to his legs. “One last chance, please baby just give me one last chance. I’m not going to let you down again.”

“That’s what you don’t get, Ash,” Ryker paused. “You’re so fucking terrified of feeling like you’re letting someone down that it makes you shut off completely. First it was your parents, your family and now it’s me. I can’t keep stressing again and again that you’re enough for me. I don’t want you doing more or less, I just…I just want you to be with me the way that you are.”

Ryker was right. Ashton knew that. He felt like he had disappointed Ryker the night of the premiere, and ever since then he hadn’t been himself. He felt like he was on edge all the damn time, afraid to make mistakes because what if…what if Ryker started seeing Ashton for the fuck up that he was? What if he saw him like his family did?

But Ryker wasn’t like his parents. Ryker never put him down or insulted and demeaned him. Ryker actually loved and cared for him. And now it was Ashton’s time to show that he did too.

Ashton rested his head on Ryker’s lap as both of them sat there in silence. Ryker eventually kept his hand on Ashton’s hair, running his fingers through the strands gently. They remained like that for hours, until Ryker asked Ashton to get up. He grabbed his hand, taking him to their bedroom. They held each other until the sun came up.

Over the course of the next few months, Ashton had vowed to himself that he was going to work harder on his problems. He was getting better, and then he had a relapse. That was it. This didn’t mean that he couldn’t get back on track. Which he was going to, because there was no way in hell that he was going to lose Ryker.

Or himself. Because that’s what Ashton had been feeling. He was slowly beginning to lose sight of who he was again. And he knew that he had to pull himself out of that darkness.

~~~

Ashton could almost hear the sound of his own heart beating. Like drums in his ear, his chest felt like it was pounding and he kept shifting uncomfortable on his chair.

This was it. This was the moment everyone had been waiting for.

“—and the award for the Best Actor of The Year goes to…” Silence, as the singer opened the envelope. A smile spread across as her face as she faced the mic again. Ashton was gripping the edge of his seat so tightly that he knew his knuckles would be going white.

“Ashton Archer for Perks of Dating Your Best Friend!”

“Holy fuck…” Ashton whispered. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe his ears or his eyes. Was this really happening? Did he finally win a best actor award?

“Ash,” Ryker spoke, squeezing Ashton’s arm with a proud grin on his face. “The stage is yours.”

All Ashton could do was nod as he stood up. The audience applaused, people patted his shoulder as he made his way to the podium. The singer handed him his award, and Ashton stared at it in awe. He looked at the thousands sitting in front of him. The audience was quiet now, waiting for him to say something.

“Uh,” Ashton blinked, suddenly at a loss for words. He had been preparing for this moment his entire life but now that it was here…he didn’t know what to do. “I want to thank, uh, I want to thank Erick for his wonderful guidance. Ryker and Tabby for being the greatest co-actors anybody could ask. The entire cast and crew that made this movie possible, and of course Kitty, my make-up artist for making me look presentable—”

The audience laughed.

“—a huge freaking thanks to the fans for all the love they’ve shown me. I’d be nowhere without them. Thank you everyone and have a goodnight!”

Ashton was about to walk away. He had already taken a couple steps when he stopped.

No. This wasn’t it.

Ashton backtracked to the mic again, surprising the host and everyone else as he continued.

“Actually—” Ashton spoke, “—there is one other person without whom I’d be nowhere. The person who has been with me since day one, who has been my biggest supporter and who has shown me what unconditional love means.

“I was lost. I was fading away and I didn’t have the first clue of how to find myself again. And maybe I wouldn’t have been able to do it had it not been for them. Maybe this confession is a bit over the top and cliché, but I’ve done way too many rom-coms to not do atleast one grand gesture in my life.

“And if there is anybody that deserves me screaming my love for them from the rooftops…then it’s him.”

Ashton grinned as he got off the stage, he jogged all the way to the man that wasn’t just a part, but was his whole fucking heart. Ryker was beyond shocked, which was evident by his expression and his watery eyes. Ashton didn’t take his gaze off of him as he rushed towards him, finally feeling like he had the courage to do what he had wanted to for so goddamn long.

Ashton grabbed Ryker’s arm, pulling him up as he kept one hand on his cheek and the other that was holding the award on his waist. Ashton connected their lips, and Ryker kissed back instantly.

Neither of them cared about the loud gasps of surprise in the audience, or the momentary silence until Tabby yelled “fuck yeah!” and started clapping. The applause that filled the room was louder than ever before, but Ashton was deaf to it all.

He felt so good. So free. He never wanted to part away from Ryker, but the two finally pulled away so that they could breathe. Ryker rested his forehead against Ashton as he chuckled, the grins on their faces were so wide and their happiness so contagious it spread across the entire hall.

“I should’ve done this ages ago,” Ashton whispered.

“Just shut up and kiss me again, you idiot.”

***

and that’s a wrap!

as you all know, I love full circle endings.

well. it’s over. can’t believe I started BTL less than 5 months ago and now here we are…

I’m always open for critique and feedback, so feel free to share what you thought and don’t hold back.

there will be bonus chapters, let me know if you have any requests/ideas!

thank you all for the immense support, it means the world to me.

all the love,
kara