Not love him? That would be hilarious. She does love him, achingly so. That’s why everything was so confusing and she was so contemplative of her own actions towards him.
” No, no…” Claude cupped her face, a pained frown on his face, she couldn’t help but let her tears escape as she realized that look….even that isn’t real.
One of these days, these very eyes that she adored so much will look at her coldly, and treat her like she’s a stranger.
” Please don’t…” He kissed her tears away tenderly, ” Please don’t feel that way. I’m sorry for making you feel that way, darling. You’re…so precious to me. Just as precious as Diana and Athanasia. I cannot live without you. “
He held her comfortingly too.
But why wasn’t any of this real when she desperately wanted it to be?
” N/n, I love you. I really love you. ” Claude begged, “…please don’t feel that way. “
She cried as she nodded slowly, resting her head against chest to listen to his hammering and uneasy heart, “…I love you. I love you, Claude..” she whispered, clutching onto him, “…I really love you too. “
‘…I really love you….I will continue to fall for you deeper even when I know your “I love youâ€Â comes from a fabricated emotion…’
” I’m sorry. “
‘ I’m sorry for doing all of this. I’m sorry for being so shameless and taking advantage of this pathetic situation. I’m sorry for letting you believe you love me when you love someone else. I’m really sorry for being so selfish… ‘
Had a year passed already?
This dream was a little too beautiful and surreal.
As each day passed, Y/n couldn’t help but become more wary. The moment she would wake up, she would feel Claude’s warmth and think, ‘Â it’s fake.’
The dinner they would have every evening, he would coddle her and order the chef to make all her favorite dishes. ‘..this affection and care is not real. ‘
Every time she spent hours with him and Athanasia, the joyous time filled with laughter and giggles, her heart would swell with love but then ache beautifully, ‘...this is all…fake too. ‘
Every lazy evening they spend cuddled up together, reading letters and invitations that arrive, she thinks, ‘...this won’t last very long. I shouldn’t get used to this. ‘
She sighed, rubbing her temples.
” What’s wrong? “
She flinched, smiling tiredly at Claude, “…there’s some issue with the construction of the portal…I will need to go there. “
“…ugh, that man again? ” Claude slumped, “…does he write to you every other day? “
She hummed softly, ” We keep in touch because of the construction—”
” No way! ” Claude laughed dryly, ” He writes to you because he’s still smitten with you. Don’t you recall? He quite bravely asked you to make him your concubine. “
She blinked, nodding slowly. ” That can’t be though. His letters are very professional and respectful. “
” No, ” Claude pushed the letter away,
” I’m not a jerk. I won’t read it. ” He huffed, “….I just meant to say you should be careful of his advances…”
He held her tighter, “…I mean..I can’t stop you from bringing in a concubine…since you’re the Empress and you have all the rights to. ” He pouts through all the words, “…just…don’t ignore me if you do. “
She chuckled, “…Claude, I’m not bringing any concubine. ” She mumbled, ” I’m only going there for business and just so you know, Grand Duke of North is not my type at all. “
Claude grinned at her, ” Oh, yeah? Then who’s your type, my Empress? “
She pursed her lips, “…there’s just someone…” She trailed off, scoffing ad Claude laughed and brought her face to face him,
” Come on, tell me. “
She scowled, cheeks turning red as he teased her. “…my idiot husband, of course. ” She mumbled softly,
“…anyway, I’ll be leaving soon—”
She blinked, freezing as she felt his lips on hers before she could complete her sentence. Her heart hammered as she fumbled to gather herself, while the gentle press of his lips remained unmoving.
He was waiting…he was waiting for her.
She shakily held his face, stomach giddy as she felt his smile the moment she kissed back.
Though she has given up on pushing him away and avoiding him all the time, there were still times like these where the difference between was obvious.
But it didn’t seem like it hindered Claude’s affections towards her.
The first time after that conversation he kissed her, he noticed her uneasiness..and after that, all he ever did was peck on her cheeks and nothing else.
It remains unspoken, but she felt absolutely absolutely terrible yet grateful at the same time.
” I love you so much. ” He mumbled with a smile, he seemed happy that she accepted his kiss, that she kissed him back. She has no clue..how she was right now.
Was she staring at him lovesick? Was she the same as him? Was her face giving it away that her heart was literally hanging by a thread?
She cupped his face, capturing his lips again in a slow kiss, ignoring the joyfully surprised look on his face. It doesn’t take him long to reciprocate, he leans closer and closer, arm snaking around her waist while the other guides her chin.
She felt her heart race and thrum in happiness and content, but then it all shatters as a thought crashes upon her conscience.
‘…this…is wrong. This is not real at all. He doesn’t love me…he’ll hate me once he realizes what I’ve just done. ‘
Her hands trembled, ‘ what have I done? I gave in yet once again—‘
“…hey. “
She stared, as tears rolled down her wide eyes, Claude’s horrified expression made it ten times worse. She was trembling, her whole body was trembling.
‘ No…that’s not it. ‘ She reached out shakily, ‘ don’t misunderstand...’
Claude moved away, stumbling on his feet as he remained seated on the ground instead.
“…I…” He gulped, “…why…again..”
” No, no! Wait! ” She sat up, reaching out to him, ” Claude, that’s not it! You misunderstood—”
” You’re trembling! ” He snapped, looking at her with a pained glare as he escaped her attempts to hold him, “…just…what have you been putting up with? “
” No! Listen to me! ” She followed after him, tripping over who knows what with a flinch, ” Claude, for fuck’s sake! “
He froze, immediately rushing back to her to hold her, healing her bleeding knee as tears streamed down his face. She gripped on his arm, not letting him move at all.
” You misunderstood. That’s not it. ” Her tone full of desperation, she tried to make him understand this the best she could. “…I wasn’t forcing myself to. I…I promise! I really wasn’t. ” her voice cracked, she couldn’t do this anymore. “…it’s not real. None of this…is real. “
Claude stared at her, looking just as hurt as her, “…what isn’t real? ” He breathed out, wiping her cheeks away,
” what are you saying? “
“…I…” She gulped harshly, looking away, “…you don’t love me, Claude. “
“…just…what does that mean? ” He frowned softly, “…why would I lie to you of all people? About my feelings? You think I’m messing around with you? “
” No, no…” She held onto him, “…I’m not saying that. Wait…please don’t go. Listen to me. “
He stares blankly into a space for a few seconds before picking her up, setting her on the bed and sitting beside her. There’s patience in his every action, even when she has messed up so many times now.
She understood why he didn’t love her. She didn’t deserve this kind of love and care after harboring such selfish thoughts…of wanting him all for herself even when she knows he hasn’t even mourned for his lover properly.
After what seems like hours, she finally finds her voice again.
“…the curse…you used. ” She gulped, “…it’s because of the curse that you think you’re in love with me. “
“…are you really going to give me that bullshit right now? “
She flinched, looking at him wide eyed. “…no, I…I’m not lying. ” She fiddled with her sleeve anxiously, a sad smile on her lips, “…the memories you have of us are not the real memories, Claude. We never—”
” That’s enough. ” He stood up, ” I’ve had enough of this. “
” Claude…”
” Who the hell are you to decide whether my feelings are real or not?! “
” Please, listen to me—”
” Ha, I must be lacking somewhere….” He races towards the door, “….don’t you dare question my feelings for you when you don’t even feel the same. “
Slam!
She slumped to the ground, covering her face with a shaky sigh. ‘..it was all good when Diana was here. Everything has gone downhill ever since she died. ‘
She cried silently, ‘...what do I do? How did we get here, Claude? ‘
end.
pain is my weapon.
anyway, I am genuinely sorry for disappearing! I will try updating more often. But senior year has been so busy.
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