He didn’t know how much time had passed since that moment.
It seemed as if though everything blended in together.
He couldn’t figure out if he was there for hours, days or weeks…
_
Inoichi had come a couple of times already, each time raking through his mind, searching through his memories.
Each time making him remember things he had long since buried in the deepest and darkest parts of himself.
He wished to forget everything.
_
His head throbbed with each second that passed. Constant flashes of pain ran through it and they wouldn’t stop.
Just how much longer is he going to be kept here?
In this room?
In this chair?
_
Time just kept on going without him.
Inoichi no longer talked with him, he just touched his forehead and everything turned dark.
Each time he woke up, he remembered more and more.
Inoichi was no longer there when he opened his eyes.
_
That man couldn’t even look him in the eye any more.
He ignored every little taunt that was thrown at him and continued on with his memory seeking.
Not caring about the damage he was doing.
_
Everything hurt.
His head. His heart. His mind.
He was in so much pain, but could do nothing to stop it.
_
Inoichi kept coming less and less.
Not that he minded that, in fact, it was better that way.
At least he won’t have to remember anything any more.
_
He was wrong.
Inoichi had come back.
And this time, he didn’t hold back.
_
The pain was numbing.
Inoichi blankly stared at him as he did the job.
His eyes were blank… but why did they look so sad?
_
His body burned.
He hadn’t eaten since he was locked in there.
They only gave him little amounts of water.
_
He stared at the pale ceiling above his head.
Why were they still keeping him here?
Just how many times has he had to relieve every memory?
_
It felt like he had lived through that moment a hundred times already.
The pain. The anger. The sadness.
The blade in his hands.
The blood on his hands.
_
Shinya’s pale eyes were stuck in his mind.
His lifeless corpse.
The blood on his chest.
_
He screamed and he screamed.
There was no answer.
Only echoes.
_
Inoichi no longer came.
The seals on his body hurt.
Breathing hurt.
_
Is anyone there? He would ask.
Can you let me go? He would ask.
Please let me go… He would beg.
_
His throat hurt.
So did his body.
He still hadn’t eaten.
_
He thrashed inside the chair.
It didn’t move.
He screamed out with tears sliding down his face.
_
Let me go! He screamed.
Release me! He screamed.
… Still no answer in return.
_
His eyes opened as the door did the same.
He glanced ahead of himself, sensitive eyes attacked by the bright lights behind the door.
Blond hair, honey-brown eyes.
She had come.
“So you’ve finally come, eh? How nice…”. He bit out, words coming out hoarse. Of course they did. The only thing he did was scream.
She gave no reply as her form approached him. Her heels clicked on the ground as she came closer. “No reply? I, at the least, expected an explanation… Am I not even going to get that?” She remained silent. The chair released no sound when he surged forward. His eyes lit ablaze as he stared at her. “Come on! Speak!” He urged, body shifting and twitching in struggle. “Tell me something! Anything!” It almost sounded like he was begging.
Tsunade felt sorry for the boy, but at the same time… She blamed herself for his state.
If only she had been more careful… More mindful of the state he was in… But no, she didn’t think things through at all. When he came to her, on that day, asking to join the ANBU, how could she say yes? How could she let a little boy join an organisation like that? What was she thinking?! And now! Look at him now! Red hair in knots! Sunken in cheeks! Dark bags under his lifeless violet eyes! How could she have done something like that?!
How could she have done that to him?!
“Is that pity I see in your eyes? For what? For me?” She watched as he tilted his head to the side. “Or… For yourself, maybe?” Her body froze and his eyes widened in realisation, before his lips curled up in a smile. “Are you serious? Do you really feel pity for yourself? How sad…”. He leaned his head back, suddenly interested in the ceiling. Silence filled the air around them. “Hey… Let me out, will you?” He asked, looking back at her. “Would you please let me out?” She wants to… Oh, just how she wants to… But she can’t.
“I can’t… We still aren’t done with you”. Her heart throbbed at the broken look on his face.
“Aren’t done? … Aren’t done?! How much longer do I have to sit here?!” He yelled out, trying to replace his sorrow with anger. It didn’t do much to conceal how he was feeling. “How much longer do I have to go through the pain of reliving every single memory I have?! Every single death I saw! Every single person I killed!” He whipped around, but the seals stood in place. “Every single person I lost!” Tsunade took a step back. “What more do you want of me?! Have I not suffered enough?! Have I not paid the price?!” Her back hit the door.
“Am I not broken enough for you yet?!” Her hand wrapped around the knob and she stumbled out of the door. “How much more of me do you want to destroy?! Huh?! All mighty Fifth Ho-!” His screams were blocked when she closed the door. Nothing escaped the sound-proof room. Nothing.
She leaned her forehead against the door and closed her eyes.
What had she done?
_
He screamed and screamed until his throat felt raw.
He screamed and screamed until his throat turned bloody.
He screamed and screamed… Until he could scream no more.
_
Inoichi had come once more, but he received no acknowledgement from the boy.
So he did his part.
His palm settled on the boy’s forehead and he prepared himself for the onslaughter of memories.
_
Time passed again.
Again?
Again…? It never even stopped passing.
_
His thoughts turned blank.
He hadn’t even glanced at the man when he came again.
He just closed his eyes and waited for the memories to come.
_
The fox had tried to speak to him, but all he heard was static.
The seals didn’t let it through.
He found it better that way.
_
He felt empty.
He felt full.
He felt…?
_
It felt painful.
It felt liberating.
It felt…?
_
He saw black.
He saw white.
He saw…?
_
He heard silence.
He heard sound.
He heard…?
_
His mind was like a broken record.
It kept repeating everything.
Everything…
_
The man had come again.
But… Somehow…
It didn’t hurt this time…
_
The door opened and he didn’t have the strength to look up.
“Akashi…”. He heard the familiar voice and weekly raised his head.
Kakashi… “Why are you here?” He asked the man and dropped his head back down. Everything felt numb.
“I’m here to take you to the hospital”. Laughter bubbled out of his throat, but it soon turned into harsh coughing. Something splashed against the inside of his mouth. He couldn’t even taste the blood between his lips.
“Take me out? I’m allowed to go out?” The older man winced at his question.
“Of course you’re allowed to go out! That’s why I’m here!” He took a step forward, but found himself frozen in place at the sight of the boy. Now… That he had come closer, his body no longer blocking the light, he could see the state he was in. His skin was as pale as a sheet of paper. The bags under his eyes as dark as death itself. He looked nothing like the last time he saw him… He looked nothing like the strong boy he was… Nothing like the Akashi from before…
“Really?” He heard him ask, heart painfully clenching at the hopeful tone of his voice.
“Really…”. He confirmed and crouched in front of him, hands reaching for the seals around his body. He slowly took them off and was forced to catch the boy as he fell forward.
“I’m free… Finally free…”. Kakashi felt the boy relax in his arms. Alarmed, he leaned back to look at him, before he breathed out in relief. He had only passed out from exertion. Seems like he hadn’t slept for a moment while here. Then, preparing himself to stand up with the boy in his arms, he found himself surprised at how light he was. His eyes clenched shut as they started to burn. This was not fair. To treat him like this. He hadn’t done anything wrong… But they did this to him…
With a heavy heart, he left the room with the boy safely tucked in his arms.
_
Violet eyes fluttered open and were met with the white ceiling of the hospital room. He blinked a couple of times so the blurriness would go away. A light breeze washed over his body and it felt like a lifetime had passed since the last time he had felt it. Breathing in, he let the clear air flood through his lungs. It felt like he could finally breathe again. The covers felt soft around his skin… Comfortable… So unlike the chair he was strapped in for so long.
Slowly leaning forward, he glanced at the open window and watched as the curtains flew around. Light had pierced through the glass, casting a warm glow on everything it touched.
“I see you’re awake”. He turned to the side and his eyes followed. Kakashi was sitting on a chair at the end of the room, the book he always carried was nowhere in sight. The man stood up and walked over to him. A hand settled on the bed, before a body followed right after it. “Are you feeling alright?” The question surprised him for a moment and the scrunching of his brows had given it away, judging by the look on the silver-haired man’s face.
“I feel fine”. The reply felt truthful, but Kakashi’s reaction showed otherwise.
The man sighed and reached a hand forward. Akashi’s pupils dilated and he slapped his hand away. The loud sound echoed through the white hospital room and Akashi’s eyes widened. “You’re not fine”. Kakashi pulled his hand back and let it drop atop the white covers of the bed.
“I am fine”. Kakashi didn’t believe a word he said.
“I wasn’t expecting you to be… After all of that…”. The redhead closed his eyes for a moment, before he opened them.
“I said I am fine!” He urged the man to accept that as an answer, but he didn’t agree with it… Not at all…
Hands clamped on the boy’s shoulder before he could react. His struggles proved futile as Kakashi leaned forward. “You’re not fine!” He forced the words out and Akashi froze under his narrowed eyes. “You’re not fine…”. The man repeated and released him, sitting up after a brief moment of silence. “I’m sorry…”. He said and walked away, disappeared out of the door.
Akashi was left laying in the bed, no thoughts running through his mind.
None at all.
_
Later on, he had finally come to see him.
Naruto.
The door opened and he walked in, slowly closing the door behind himself. He glanced at the laying boy and came closer to him, before he sat down on the bed. “What did they do to you?” His expression twisted in pain as he trailed his eyes over his brother’s body. He looked so frail… So weak… So unlike himself…
It hurt seeing him like that.
“You do not want to know”. Was what he got as a reply. Even his voice sounded weak. Hoarse, even. Like he spent his time screaming… That immediate thought sent a shiver down the blond’s spine. He watched him in silence… Watched him look out the window… At the already setting sun. “You can ask me what you wish to know… I’ll answer if I can”. He hadn’t noticed the redhead had looked back at him.
He didn’t know what to ask. That was the problem now. Up until this point, he had so many questions… So many of them… And now, his mind was robbed of them all. In that moment, he had no questions so ask.
There was only one thing he could say.
“I’m sorry”. The words escaped his lips without a second thought. His brother gave no reaction to them. “I’m sorry”. He repeated, intensively looking at the other boy. At his other half.
“Are you?” Was his reply. “Are you sorry? If you could go back in time, would you make a different decision?” Naruto didn’t know what to say to that. “Or…”, Akashi trailed off, pale violet eyes staring at him, “… would you still leave me, just like Sasuke?” He didn’t expect him to mention that name. He didn’t expect the blank look on his face, as if none of this was even bothering him. Was it? Was it bothering him? Or did he just not care?
“I don’t know”. He answered with that, because that was the only answer he could give. He didn’t know. The question was too sudden and he wasn’t sure about anything any more.
“You don’t know… How… Nice”. Their eyes broke away from one another as they looked away. “Sasuke gave the same answer to a question I asked the last time we met him”. The breath was knocked out of Naruto at his words.
“What did you ask him?” Naruto found himself asking. When he came to, neither of them were there… They had just disappeared.
“I asked him why he knocked the blade out of my hands when I wanted to stab myself with it”. Out of all the answers he thought he would get, this one was not the one he was expecting.
“You what…?” He sounded as confused as he looked. Akashi gave no reaction to his own words.
“I wanted to stab myself”. He replied, that blank look still on his face.
“You… I don’t… Why?” Naruto spluttered, leaning closer to the redhead. What was even going on any more? Things made no sense! They just kept getting worse and worse!
“Because, sometimes, it hurts to breathe”. Was the confession he got. He didn’t know what to think of it… Hurts to breathe? For how long had his brother felt like that? It hurt him to breathe… and Naruto never noticed anything… Who was he kidding… Who knew what happened while he was gone on his ‘I’m going to get stronger so I can save Sasuke!’ journey.
“I’m sorry”. He didn’t know what to say, except repeat his words for the third time.
“Why do people say sorry so much? I do not understand… Why do they say it, but do not mean it?” Naruto whipped back as it burnt. And it burned. His hear burned at those words. Did Akashi think he wasn’t sorry? Did Akashi think he didn’t mean it?
“I mean it! I’m sorry I left you! I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you! I’m sorry you had to spend these two and a half years alone!” The words echoed through the hospital room, but Akashi’s reaction didn’t change… Not one bit.
“Stop throwing the word around so lightly… Just stop”. His apologise were pushed aside as if they were nothing. As if they meant nothing to the boy in front of him.
“If I’m sorry, I will say I’m sorry!” He argued back, not letting Akashi just ignore his words. He needed him to know that he meant it! He needed him to understand that he was sorry!
“But you are not sorry, so stop saying you are sorry”. The redhead calmly replied and glanced out the window. Naruto grit his teeth as his words were, once again, pushed aside.
“You need to understand! I’m so-!” He couldn’t even get the word out.
“Stop it!” His back hit the soft bed covers as frenzied eyes bore into his. “Stop saying that word! It sounds like static to my ears! So stop saying it!” This was the first time he had seen his brother look so…
So lost…
Those eyes of his wildly trailed over his face and he looked like he didn’t know where to look any more.
“I won’t”. Defiance shone brightly in his baby-blue eyes as he forced the words out. He will never stop saying it. He won’t stop until they are believed. He won’t stop until he is forgiven. The grip on his shoulders turned painfully harsh and he bit back a wince. Akashi glared at him, violet eyes flashing crimson for a second, before he released Naruto and leaned back.
“Leave me”. He didn’t want to do that. “Leave me and go”. He didn’t want to do that. “Leave me and go, just like before”. He didn’t want to do that. “I told you to leave!” Akashi unexpectedly raised his voice and Naruto had flinched back, wide eyes staring at the lost ones of his brother.
So, without another word, he got off the bed and turned his back to the other boy. What was he supposed to do now? Leave? Stay? Not do anything? But… As he peered at the redhead, he knew he had only one choice…
… To listen to him and leave…
“I’m sorry”. The door closed behind him.
Akashi dropped back onto the bed and curled into himself.
He felt cold… So, so cold.
“Liar…”. The whisper went unheard in the dead of night.
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