Chapter 28: GO WITH THE FLOW
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Alex’s POV:
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I basically ran out of that room like it was on fire. The last words I spoke echoed in my mind. Did I really say that to him? That was so unlike me, what possessed me to be so blunt?
Sam was already waiting in the car as I exited the building, I quickly got in the passenger seat and strapped in.
My smile seemed to be a permanent fixture on my lips, I couldn’t get rid of it.
I replayed the night’s events in my mind, especially that conversation with Jensen, he said he wanted to date me, he almost kissed me. I grinned like a silly teenager.
When did I really make up my mind about us? Deep down I knew what we felt for each other was rare and after all Jensen had said and done, I really wanted to give us a chance.
Kate was going to lose her mind when I would tell her what happened tonight. I didn’t know if I was excited for her reaction or frightened, maybe she’ll just brush it off with a not so enthusiastic ‘I told you so.’ I would rather prefer that.
The scene outside the tainted car window changed as we drove away from the event venue and more into the busier parts of the city.
The night was quiet and beautiful, full moon and clearer skies tonight. Anna was right, the lake looked ethereal and a lot of guests appreciated the view.
I realised something then, the journey was awfully quiet. Sam and I are never quiet, mostly because we were both quite outspoken and found comfort in each other’s company, so being honestly loud about opinions was as natural as breathing. But something seemed off.
Sam didn’t start a conversation, he just drove me home, I wasn’t exactly drunk just a little bit buzzed from the cocktails and champagne that I shouldn’t have consumed, but I still decided that driving myself wasn’t exactly smart.
It was past midnight, and I was looking forward to my bed and a peaceful night of sleep.
No wait… I had work tomorrow, an early meeting. Damn it!
I noticed a change in Sam’s mood, he was quite the whole ride back. He didn’t even play music, the car was filled with silence and he seemed to be entangled in deep thought.
He definitely saw Jensen and I together, I expected him to ask me about him, tease me maybe but his complete lack of interest was a little bit concerning.
Usually Sam made jokes all the way home, making me laugh to the point that my cheeks hurt but tonight there was a frown on his face, and he seemed unaware of it.
When we arrived at my place Sam opened the door for me, even if I hated it and I stepped out into the cold breeze that you only breathed at late nights.
“Tonight was so much fun, I didn’t realise how much I needed it.” I smiled up at him as he steadied me by holding me up by my elbow when I lost my footing in my high heels.
I chuckled “alcohol, heels and me….not a good combination.”
Sam looked at me without a word, and I suddenly realised how weirdly silent he was.
When I looked up to meet his gaze I was surprised by the intensity in his deep blue eyes that seemed darker under the pearly moonlight.
There was a war going on in his head that was blatant on his face. He looked troubled, torn, conflicted and resolute all at the same time.
He looked nervous for the first time tonight, his anxious eyes held mine, like I had all the answers he sought.
I frowned at him with a questioning gaze. What’s up? I wanted to ask.
He took a step closer to me and hugged me tenderly. I was surprised for a moment but recovered quickly and wrapped my arms around him, not shying away stiffly like I usually do and relaxed against him, feeling his desperation in that embrace.
“Hey what’s wrong?” I mumbled the words against his lapel, they came out muffled but he still could understand me.
A moment passed in silence, but his rapidly beating heart under my cheek didn’t go unnoticed, he finally spoke, “Nothing… everything… I don’t know.”
“Are you gonna let go and tell me what’s up with you.” I joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
“I don’t know… if this is the last time you’re hugging me so pleasantly, I kinda want to make the most of it.” He joked, but the meaning wasn’t lost on me and I grew wary. Why would he say that?
“Shut up.” I said, for lack of a better comeback as he pulled away and stepped back, but not too far.
“What is it?” He was really scaring me now and I sincerely hoped it was nothing bad.
“I need to talk to you about something.” He said, his voice barely above a whisper. “But you have to promise me, after what I’m about to tell you nothing will change between us, at least not for the worse, can you promise me that?”
That made me frown. He looked me in the eye while both his hands rested on my shoulders, he held my full attention.
“I promise.” I was suddenly cold and absolutely sober as I awaited his next words.
Silence dragged on, only to be shattered with his quiet words, “god, I thought I had more time… ” He mumbled softly.
“Sam, what is it, you can tell me-” I tried to reassure.
“Lexi I-I’m in love with you.” He confessed, his sincere eyes expressed a vulnerability that I’ve never associated with him. He was so earnest, so entirely genuine, it stirred something deep within me.
I froze, my veins turned to ice at his words. I didn’t anticipate he would say that…it agitated me to my core that he just came right out and said it. There was no doubt what he meant and I was robbed off of my words, my breath and my ability to think.
“I know this might come as a shock to you, heck I-I don’t even know how it happened or when, but I can’t keep this to myself any more…you know how I get and I’m not good at hiding anything, especially from you… I’ve-…I’ve held back long enough and it’s killing me…” He said quietly.
It was too real, to the point that I had no idea how to process it, he didn’t exactly ambush me with his feelings, but he caught me off guard.
I didn’t know how to respond, was there anyway to react or any words to say that wouldn’t break his heart?
“Can you say something…. please?” He urged, looking down at his feet for a moment and then at me.
Guilt weighed me down and pained me, my throat was suddenly heavy while I tried to speak through the void that resided in my throat. “Sam I-I don’t know…”
He was looking at me so expectantly and longingly like I held his world….I couldn’t imagine the courage he must have gathered to say this to me and I hated myself in that moment but I had to say something, even if I had no idea what…
And so I just told him the truth, “I don’t know what to say…”
I could see my harmless words cut him deeply. His face was a reflection of his thoughts and emotions, displaying every detail of his torment.
“All I know is that you mean so much-“
“Don’t- don’t do that, I don’t wanna hear it…” He said sounding absolutely dejected.
Something told me he was breaking his own heart with this confession and I couldn’t take it, I didn’t wanna upset him, but seemed like it was too late. “I’m so sorry…”
“I needed you to know, I had to tell you…I just, I wish you would…” He trailed off, not finishing his thought as his blue eyes turned glassy with a sheen of tears as he looked away to hide them from me.
“Sam I can’t-” I whispered. My own eyes glazed over with moisture as I looked at how he was struggling.
“So there’s nothing….? Not even a little something?” He seemed so defenseless, exposed and out of his element, not at all like the confident fun loving Sammy he always was, and I knew I was seeing a rare and a very real side of him.
“You’re my best friend-” I began to say and he cut me off mid sentence.
“Nothing more?” He asked, pleading with his ocean blue eyes.
“No.” I mumbled, hating how cruel it was.
He looked away as a tear fell and his hand quickly came up to wipe it away, it clawed at my heart, I have known him my entire life and this was only the second time I’ve seen him cry, the first time was two years ago in the hospital, when I was barely conscious. I remember he sat in a chair next to me and wept, I couldn’t even speak then… say something to make him feel better and I realized I wasn’t any better now.
I wished I could take away the pain I unknowingly caused but there was no way… I felt absolutely hopeless.
“Is it because-….. there’s someone else, it’s him isn’t it?” He asked, catching me off-guard. It was obvious who he implied.
Jensen’s familiar face flashed in front of my mind’s eye, and it stunned me momentarily how much he has come to mean to me in such a short time.
My silence was probably enough of an answer. “It is…” He mumbled.
“Sam I-I hate that I’m hurting you, I never would-…..” I mumbled into the quiet night willing my own tears from falling.
He chuckled, it was pained and came from somewhere deep inside of his wounded heart, “I know Lexi.” He whispered, his voice heavy with all the emotions, anxious and worrying thoughts he was holding at bay.
“I’m sorry.” I told him, sincerely meaning it more than I ever did.
“Don’t be…” He looked away, staring somewhere far behind me, his eyes still shone with tears, “It’s not your fault, it’s just that…. I-I need some time… To come to terms with-“
“Yeah… “
“But Lexi I-I don’t wanna lose you after this, I don’t want anything to change….just give me some time.” He voiced his fears. I wanted to sob my heart out.
Was he serious? I could never hold this against him and I was terrified of not having him in my life, at first he was my brother’s best friend, but somehow, somewhere he became one of my best friends too, he made a soft spot in my heart and there were some things I could only share with him.
But even as I thought that, I knew everything had just changed, everything was suddenly different now and had multiple meanings and I was already overthinking every small thing.
He was a constant throughout my life and his absence would create a void that no one else could fill. “You won’t. I promise…” I said, feeling selfish as hell for doing this to him, and also feeling like I was lying as I promised, even though I wanted to mean what I said.
“Is there a chance you’ll forget all about this tomorrow?” He jokingly asked.
“I’m not that drunk.” I mumbled, as he took a step away.
“I’ll get going…” He said after a small pause.
“Yeah, it’s getting late.” I agreed.
He suddenly stepped closer, catching me off-guard and pressed an unexpected but sweet kiss to my forehead. “Thanks for inviting me tonight….”
I stopped and stared at him, my heart was pounding and bleeding for him, he had no idea how sorry I was, how worried I was.
“Go on now, get some rest…” He was still concerned about me, even after everything, it just made me feel worse.
“I’ll see you later?” I asked.
“You will.” He smiled a bittersweet smile at me, one that didn’t reach his eyes. I hated that, but there was nothing I could do.
I nodded, “You take care.”
“Good night.” He mumbled.
I murmured it back and turned to walk away, feeling his stare on my back. Soon I heard the rumble of his car’s engine coming to life and he drove away as I stepped inside the building.
Absently I walked into my apartment, changed into comfortable clothes, brushed my teeth and tucked myself in.
After everything that happened today, numerous thoughts swirled in my mind, I tried justifying my decisions to myself….
At least I didn’t lead him on and make him believe something that doesn’t actually exist. He deserves someone who would actually love him in ways that I don’t.
But it still weighed down on my conscience.
I was completely sober and awake, and felt emotionally drained as I waited for sleep to consume me, but guilt and concern kept me awake.
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This was one of the most difficult chapters I had to write…. I hope I did the scene justice.
What did you think of it?
Thank you for reading…
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