Falling | Mxm (Completed) Chapter 9

Edited

‘And then I found myself at that place again with the person inside me who wanted to tear through my skin and free itself. I haven’t figured out if it’s a he or a she but whatever it is, it’s not satisfied with being locked inside my body, or mind? You know how everyone has a name, an ID and some family members? I have them too, but I don’t feel like any of them are mine. I don’t feel at home living with the people I grew up with, I don’t get the point of all the labels, be it a country name, religion title, or other stuff that are printed on my ID, and I most definitely don’t feel like my name is actually mine. During one of my breakdowns, I told my parents I felt alone, that I didn’t belong, and they just didn’t get it. No one does. Am I really crazy? Uh… I don’t know anything anymore. I’m not even sure if I’m really alive or I died some four years ago, and it’s all been a punishment for the suicide? Is there really a punishment, though? Isn’t living in this world enough misery? I guess we’ll never know until we die the final death.’

Aiden looked at his watch. It was around 4 AM again. He was getting ready to go back to his room when he saw Lili coming. She sat beside him and looked briefly at the book in his hands. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes shortly.

“The weather is starting to get cold. I like it. It’s refreshing.” She said with a smile.

“It’s freezing and makes your mouth and nose dry!” Aiden disagreed.

Lili giggled. “That’s the complexity of human nature. Or, as they call it, the ‘beauty’ of it.”

“You don’t think it’s nice to be different?”

“Everybody loves being different. Like you. You have that unique hair color because you wanna be different. Am I wrong?” She nodded toward his red tips.

“Then that implies to you as well.” Aiden pointed at Lili’s hair.

“Of course it does. I hate being like the brainless. I’m not sure what or who I am, but… I just have to change the things I’m able to change. Otherwise, I’ll lose my mind.”

“How can you not know who you are? Everybody and everything has a status to itself.”

“There are no certain facts in this world. There are just examined statements. This or that, truth or lie, you can never truly tell. You can never be a hundred percent sure.”

Aiden tried to repeat her words in his mind to try to catch up. He understood what she was saying, but sometimes it was hard to imply it to himself. Like now. He thought he’d always known who he was and what he wanted and, therefore, went for it until he achieved his goal.

“Lili, why are you here? You’re a very intelligent person.”

“I’m not intelligent. I don’t know anything about anything. I just tend to think, well, ‘overthink’ as Chad and other doctors put it. I just don’t get the point of the world running as it does, and that’s why I’m here.”

“Overthinking?! Then two-third of the population should be in the psychiatric hospital!”

Lili laughed. “They should! But most people think so highly of life that they don’t want to waste their precious lifetime in a place like this. You know, I asked to be here. Wanna know something funny?”

Aiden nodded.

“My last psychiatrist put a schizophrenia label on me. Said it could only be that because I told him about how I think the world should be. When I came here, they said it was just severe depression, mainly caused by my own DNA or something. My body wasn’t my friend from the very start.” She laughed bitterly.

“Huh? DNA is able to carry depression genes?!” Aiden was surprised to hear it.

“Don’t know. Didn’t care enough to look it up.” Lili shrugged.

Aiden looked at her. She was really beautiful and unique. Inside and out. He wondered if she knew how beautiful she was. If anyone had ever told her that.

“Lili, have you ever been in love?”

She seemed to be surprised by the sudden question. “Yeah, I loved my dog. I love Kurt and Edwin. I’m even starting to love you.”

Aiden wasn’t sure if she knew what he really meant. But then he understood he had been looking at her weirdly, and she laughed out loud.

“No Aiden, I haven’t loved anyone like that because I don’t even love myself.”

Lili stood up, stretched her limbs, and took another deep breath before turning the other way. After a few steps, she turned to Aiden again.

“By the way, you’re wasting your time on that book.” She said.

“Why? The author has a distinctive way of thinking. I like it.”

“The author is a mess and doesn’t even know what’s what herself.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because I’m the author. And take it from me when I tell you to throw that into the garbage can.”

Aiden had been thinking about what Lili said the whole day. Kurt and he had both kissed her. There was clearly more than just kissing going on between her and Kurt. And then she mentioned Edwin. Had they kissed too? He didn’t know why it was somehow important to him in the first place. He was playing with his food, not really eating anything when a tray was put in front of him on the other side of the small table. He looked up, and it was the doctor in all his beautiful glory. His black hair had grown longer during Aiden’s stay, and it gave him a softer look.

“What are you thinking so deeply about, genius?” Edwin asked him with a smile on his face.

Aiden raised an eyebrow, not sure if it was an insult.

“I’m not sure how I should feel about the nickname.”

“You’re a genius! What’s there to not be sure about?”

“Eh, whatever.” Aiden knew that he had achieved more things in the short years he had lived than many other people. If that implied him being a ‘genius’, then so be it. But he wasn’t going to be cocky about it.

“So? Penny for your thoughts?” Edwin insisted.

“Did you just come here to get information outta me, pretty boy?” He narrowed his eyes at the other as he pulled his lips into his mouth.

“Oh my god, was it THAT obvious?!” Edwin overreacted, putting one of his hands on his chest and the other on his cheek.

Aiden giggled at the doctor’s goofiness.

“Edwin, can I ask you something personal?” He said after a moment of hesitance.

“Hmm, go on.” The other replied while chewing on his food.

“What’s your relationship with Lili?”

Edwin seemed taken aback by the question, but tried to act nonchalant.

“Why do you ask?” The doctor said, looking down and stabbing the steak with the fork in his hand.

“Just curious. She has mentioned you a few times, and you came to her room that time… and… forget it. I’m just being nosy.” Aiden waved his hands to show he didn’t need to answer.

“She’s my sister.” Edwin replied, looking at his food tray and still chewing.

“Huh? But she’s..”

“Black? I know. She was adopted.” Edwin cut him off.

“Oh…” Aiden felt wrong for asking in the first place.

“It’s okay. It’s better to not bring the adoption thing up in front of her, though.”

“I won’t. Promise.”

Edwin nodded. Aiden looked at him while he separated all the vegetables from his food.

“What kind of doctor doesn’t eat vegetables seriously?” Aiden asked teasingly.

“The kind that hates the mentioned species with all his guts?”

Aiden couldn’t help but laugh at the disgusted look on Edwin’s face.

“You’re like Ian. He would kill you if you even mentioned the word ‘tomato’ in front of him.” He said without realizing it himself.

“Ian? Well, he is a very intellectual being then.”

“He is.” Aiden gulped down a glass of water and started stuffing his mouth with food.