Mother used to say that God, the Christian God, is marvelous, a supernatural being capable of everything and nothing all at once. A human brain can’t comprehend the benevolence and power of the God above, mother said. To be a God is to have responsibility for all the things you created and what they created in consequence; To be a God is to have a divine plan for the whole humanity. But how can such being exist with this seemingly infinite burden? Because if I was God, I’d kill myself.
“Sabine?”
I blinked the dryness off my eyes. “Yes?”
“You were out for a minute there.” Sophie tilted her head. It was a Wednesday and my shift ended early.
“Out? I was just right here.”
“I meant you spaced out, zoned out.”
“Oh. I was just thinking of–” Seeing the tissue rack near her, I reached out to take one, when I accidentally nudged the camera lying on the table. Before I could even comprehend what happened, a thud, followed by a crack made me pause. There was no need to glance down and confirm.
My hands felt cold and slimy. I should probably get another bottle of iron supplements.
The camera. Where would I get it fixed and if it’s beyond repair, how much would a brand new one cost? It shouldn’t be much of a problem now since I have $100,000 in the bank now.
“–okay? Are you having a panic attack?” Sophie’s voice seemed to gradually reach my ears, louder and louder until the end of the sentence. Her eyes was wide and searching with her eyebrows drawn together.
“No. Why would I when I’m not panicking.”
“You are! You were literally zoning off for a minute with your hands trembling and you couldn’t hear me.”
“I’m not.” How she could reach that conclusion was beyond me. My heart might be beating a little bit faster than normal but that’s to be expected after having two shots of espresso.
“Shit. Okay.” If someone was panicking, it would be her. “Sabine, listen to me.”
“I am listening.”
“Look.” The camera came into my view as the screen glowed after Sophie pressed a button. “It’s still working. The lens may be cracked a little, but I have like, dozens of extra lenses so this is nothing. I can just replace it when I get home. So it’s okay.”
It looked like she meant it, but facial expressions can be deceiving. Aunt layla, who I don’t know if she’s still alive, told me not to worry when I broke her favorite mug and that it was okay but then she did not talk to me for days following that day. I saw how her hands would clench when her eyes landed on me. “You’re not angry?”
“Nope.” Sophie placed down the camera on the table, sliding it to the side as she shook her head. With her hands clasped, she leaned forward with a serious look, pursed lips and all. “But since I’m sure you’re feeling really guilty right now, you can give me a kiss and then we can forget about this.”
A kiss is nothing compared to her thousand dollars camera and so I leaned in to her right, carefully letting my lips touch and linger her cheek. It was as soft as a baby’s and I bet it will feel like poking a slime if I did.
I sat back on my seat and watched as with dazed eyes, Sophie lightly grazed her fingertips on her right cheek that was now red. I did not wear a lip tint.
“I..I was kidding but…hmph.” Her head fell on the table, her forehead hitting the surface with a thud but it did not seem to hurt her. Her arms folded under her head, obstructing her face from my view. What is wrong with her?
On my way to the beach just by the edge of the town, I came across a stationery store that had a pink glittery door. Curious as to whether that was the theme of the shop, I entered and was disappointed that there were no glittery furniture. As I had time to spend, I decided to browse through the assortment of stuff they sold.
One particular tiny object caught my eyes- a coffee mug charm with a blushing penguin floating inside. The green-eyed blonde popped in my mind with her goofy smile.
I bought the charm.
The beach was quite populated when I arrived, which is expected considering it was still warm. We were nearly entering the rainy season and so the people are probably trying to get the most out of the sun when it’s out.
By the left of a huge rock, I spotted Sophie photographing the little girl who was wearing a bucket on her head while she ate her melting popsicle. She wore a red spaghetti strap tank top tucked in a black gather shorts. Her sunglasses laid on top of her blonde hair that was tied with a printed bandana.
“I got this for you. I thought you could tie it on your camera.” I dangled the charm on my fingers as I joined her on the blanket that prevented the sand from burning our legs. The sun was really high up today and I thanked myself for choosing to wear a plaid over my tank top, otherwise my arm will be in a different shade than the rest of me.
Sophie took the charm from my fingers, carefully observing it on her palm. “Thank you. I love it!” That cheeky smile of hers appeared once again and it was even more blinding the sun. “I hope you don’t feel bad about the lens anymore.”
“I don’t.” I shook my head, leaning backwards with my arms behind me. It’s a great day today.
“Good.”
Inserting the string on the hook of the camera, Sophie tied it tightly with her dainty fingers. “I’m gonna brag about it.” She grinned, taking out her phone and taking a picture of it.
After having lunch at one of the restaurants by the beach, we continued to lounge on the sand until the light blue sky faded to a dark blue. Sophie and I asked questions back and forth, she called it 21 questions although I’m pretty sure we exceeded 25.
Nighttime at the beach was a stark contrast during daytime. Vast darkness of water seemed endless and the crashing of the waves sounded much harsher. The warm atmosphere was replaced with a cool breeze that the girl beside me was already shivering and rubbing her arms. I suggested that we drive back already but Sophie insisted on staying just a little bit longer and so I lent her my plaid.
Eventually, after minutes of staring into nothing, Sophie leaned her head on my shoulder, snuggling a little closer.
A sigh escaped from her lips as she embraced herself. “I might be falling for you, is that okay?” It was a whisper that almost got drowned by the waves but I heard.
Falling? As in falling in love? “How come? You’ve only known me for a month.”
Sophie pulled away, her green eyes darker with the dim lights behind us. “Well, you’re quite easy to like.”
To claim that you’re falling in love with someone whom you’ve barely known is a bold move. Shouldn’t you make sure that you are before you unload the burden to the receiving end? But really, is it possible to fall in love within a short span of time?
“You don’t believe me.” Sophie’s eyebrows met in the middle and her lips tugged downwards. I recognized the accusing tone of her voice.
“You don’t need me to validate your feelings. If you think you’re falling for me, then that’s that.”
“But you’re not acknowledging it.”
“Thank you.”
“What?”
“I acknowledged your feelings.”
The silence that followed made me shift on the blanket. Sophie’s eye bored into mine and before I could try to guess what she was feeling, tears fell down her cheeks. She was still scowling and glaring through the tears, making it difficult for me to assess her feelings.
Did she not want me to be grateful?
“You’re so frustrating sometimes!” Sophie continued to sob as she stood up and started walking away. I watched her back, lost and confused. Was she just going to walk away like that? Be like everybody else who leaves without letting me know what I did wrong? I only wish for someone to stay long enough to help me understand them better. The thought that Sophie might not be that someone made me feel as if someone was sitting on my chest. When did I start to expect more from other people?
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