The first ting! of the day from the cashier register put me at ease. Of the five years that I’ve worked here, not once had it failed to remind me of my role as an employee. It provided me with an identity, a sense of belongingness in a society that values putting people in a box to label.
The conflict between wanting to conform yet wanting to escape brewed inside of me as I am unable to renounce society. It felt nice to belong, to not be a mere spectator outside the box. But, it is tiring- keeping track of my actions, words, making sure that the spotlight does not shine on me. I did not want to be placed under scrutiny of the watchful gaze of society else they would know that I was the odd one out.
The bell rang, signaling the opening of the door. My attention was brought to the blonde whose jade eyes swept the store, widening when it stopped on me.
I smiled, reminded of the $200,000 waiting for me in one year or earlier. The possibility of Sophie Astor dying earlier than a year seemed far fetched as I analyzed her well kept physical appearance. Her dark blonde hair glowed despite of the unpleasant light produced by the shop’s bulb. I wouldn’t have guessed she would be dead in a year if she didn’t say.
“Hi,” she greeted breathlessly with a smile, a pink tint dusting her cheeks. I took note of the first symptom of her illness- the shortness of breath caused by physical exertion.
Regardless of the fact that it hasn’t even been 24 hours since I last saw her, I greeted her back a little friendlier than I would for a customer.
Sophie opened her mouth to reply, only to be cut off by the crashing noise near the bookshelves to my right. A stout woman dressed in overalls stood in the middle of the scattered books which came from the small bookstand that is now tipped to the side, leaning on the wall.
“Are you planning to stare at it forever? The books aren’t going to pick itself, will it?” The woman scowled, shaking her head at me. “The service here is really bad.” Taking her phone from her handbag, she pointed it towards me, typing furiously after a couple of seconds.
“Hey! Delete that!” Sophie shouted, making me flinch. Stomping towards the woman, she placed her hand on her hips. It reminded me of how mom stood whenever she caught me stealing sweets for our house guests.
I walked over and picked up the books scattered on the floor one by one, noticing how the floor needed a good mopping. I would have to remind Norm to do so.
The sudden warmth of a grip on my wrist made me let go of the books I’ve already collected, but I could only watch and hope that they didn’t dent the edges of the covers.
“Don’t pick that up.” Sophie gritted her teeth and I felt her hold on me tighten. It could mean that she’s mad. But what was the cause of it? The woman accidentally tipped over a shelf and it’s my duty to help customers. I couldn’t see why she’d get mad.
“You’re not even angry!” She whispered harshly as she tugged me closer. “You know what? It’s okay. I’ll get angry for you.”
There was no heat that crept up to my face, nor my hands wanted to curl into a fist. Even if I did, displaying unnecessary anger would take away the bit of energy I have for other people. After all, anger is the punishment you give to yourself for what others did.
Sophie’s movements were quick. Before I knew it, I was behind her as she acted as my shield from the frowning customer. The loud reprimanding voice of Sophie caught the attention of other customers. My face heat up as I thought of how the manager will hear about this and would give me the look he gives Norm whenever he comes late for his shift. I did not want that look.
Sophie barked at the lady but I couldn’t register what she was saying. There was some pointing, raising of voice, crossing of arms, and so many glares.
Whether it was the words that spewed out of Sophie’s mouth or the glares she directed to the woman, I wasn’t sure, but it worked. With lots of groaning and mumbled curses, the lady picked up the books and shoved it back on the shelf.
The loud bang of the door after the “You’ve just lost a customer. I’m gonna tell my friends about this.” shook the windows slightly and I feared that a crack would appear. This is another reason why I don’t like anger- It can unnecessarily destroy and hurt people who otherwise doesn’t have anything to do with the source.
Sophie turned towards me with a smirk. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.” She seemed so sure of herself that I almost forgot how tiny she is. I highly doubt such a tiny woman could protect me. She’s a chihuahua who’s all bark.
Sophie squinted. “I know what you’re thinking.” She crossed her arms. “I’m not short, you’re just tall!”
That’s what a short person would say.
“From now on, I’ll shadow you.” She nodded to herself. “Not literally, of course. I prefer walking beside you.”
“Don’t you have anything better to do?”
Instead of answering, the blonde placed her head on the palm of her hands by the counter, blinking at me with a goofy smile.
I was not familiar with the kind of expression her face was showing and this made it difficult for me to assess the appropriate expression for myself.
Before I can even deliberate on whether to smile or laugh, a customer came in, prompting Sophie to make way. “I’m taking you somewhere once you’re finished. I’ll wait,” she notified quickly, dashing to the bookshelves without giving me the chance to tell her that I still had one and a half hour left for work.
True to her words, Sophie waited for my shift to finish, dragging me out of the shop the second I clocked out my employee card.
The sun shone brightly while wisps of clouds scattered along the baby blue sky. I could hear the birds singing nearby but before I could glance around and locate the group of birds, Sophie pulled me away from the busy streets and into a rock paved road leading somewhere I’ve never been before.
The summer heat seemed to disappear once we entered the dome provided by the leaves at what I think is a forest. I did not know specifically what characterizes a forest as a forest. Regardless, I’ve always felt good when I’m surrounded by greens, feeling one with nature.
After four minutes or so of walking, Sophie instructed me to turn around and walk backwards as she guided me to the destination she had in mind.
I could only stare at the girl in front of me and trust that she’s watching we’re I’m stepping. Her eyes mimicked the trees and the rich earth beneath my feet. I briefly wondered whether it was this fact that gave me solace when she intertwined our hands. I did not like anyone touching me but somehow, this is okay.
Sophie came into a halt. “I’ll show you something very pretty.” All I could see was the trees that we passed by earlier before she turned slowly turned us around. My eyes zoned in on the short girl in front of me, who now had her arms wide up. “Tada!”
Her smile rivaled that of the brightness of the sun, but instead of instinctively squinting and looking away, it invited me to stare and nod. “You are very pretty.”
Sophie’s eyebrows drew together. “Huh?” Jade eyes widened after a couple of seconds before her pale face turned a light shade of red. Her left ear peeking from her tucked blonde hair shared the same shade. “Oh. Umm… Flowers.”
“Yes, like a flower.”
Quickly, Sophie turned away from me, a muffled shriek suddenly disturbed the singing of the birds and chirps of crickets. Just as fast as she turned away, Sophie faced me like I just hallucinated the whole thing.
Letting my eyes roam the place, I noticed that we stood in the middle of a circle clearing surrounded by the tall trees. The grass seemed mowed and healthy with a wide diversity of flowers sprouting from the ground.
“I thought you’d like it here. You’re a very calm person so I thought you’d appreciate the peace even for just an hour.”
“Thank you.” I offered a smile to the bashful woman in front of me. Having been lived here for years, I have not known of this safe haven and I truly am grateful for the knowledge. I might come here when the city gets too much.
Sophie sat down on the grass, patting beside her for me to follow and I did.
“Earth is so beautiful, isn’t it? If everybody just stopped and observe their surroundings they would see how wonderful it is to be alive. There’s just so much to be thankful for. I mean look at the sun rays. It travelled miles away through space just to reach you. The trees- they’ve been here for ages, providing shelter and food to those who need it. And those bees over there- look at how cute they are!
“Beauty is everywhere if you believe that everything is beautiful. It’s easy to spot a yellow car when you’re searching for one after all.”
Taking out her camera from her bag, Sophie took pictures of the surroundings: the trees, sky, flowers, and the passing bees before lying down on the grass.
“I used to take things for granted. It’s funny how we think so far ahead like we’re immortal.” The camera pointed towards me and I stared directly at the lens. “I used to treat life as a race. But it doesn’t make sense now. What’s the rush to reach the end about? Do you get me?” Having been done taking a picture, Sophie lowered her camera on her tummy. “Like, we were not born to just die. Yes, dying is natural and inevitable, but that isn’t the focal point of our existence.”
“What is it then?”
“Whatever it is that you want.”
Whatever it is I want? “That’s quite romantic, but we are bound by forces beyond our control that limits our opportunity to have the things we want.” In most cases, when people say Freedom, they mean Freedom but to an extent. I don’t believe it’s possible to be truly free. There will always be something that will stop me from achieving whatever it is that I want. But…”Actually, I take what I said back. Perhaps there is a need to shift our mindset- we should want what we already have instead of the things we don’t have.”
“Seems impossible.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Impossible for me, at least. I want a lot of things I don’t have.” Sophie sighed, a frown forming on her face. It seemed out of place.
“Fair enough. “Don’t have” is not the same as “can’t have” anyway.” I shrugged, lying down beside the dying girl. I closed my eyes and let the earth hold me while the grass tickled my arms. With the stray sunlight hitting my face not too harshly thanks to the clouds, I felt the cool breeze on my skin and I let myself to just be. To merely exist.
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